Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues when they goad me into telling them why I quit
This happens in Germany.
Work culture doesn't fit my personality: I don't talk much, I keep to myself, I simply want to do my job and go home, I separate my personal life from work, my colleagues are full fledged gossips, ignore the duties that need to be done and then expect me to help them when they are late. I don't have patience for that crap anymore.
Due to internal regulations, I have to stay on the unit for 4 weeks after sending my notice. Answering honestly the question of why I'm quitting would ensure that they yell at me and bully me, and I don't want to experience that again. Even saying 'it's none of your business' ensures that they feel insulted and start yelling. I have decided I don't have patience for people like that anymore.
So, what do I say?
Exactly. There's a minimum 4 weeks that can be increased in the employment contract. Going up to 3 months is not rare, depending on the industry/type of job.
And it works both ways, so if the employer wants to fire you, the same notice period applies.
It’s the same in the Netherlands, but the notice period for the employer is always double that of the employee.
If its a contract with unlimited employment time, like most contracts in Germany are, he cant fire you anyway, at least not without a valid reason, which could include: stealing, not doing your job, always coming late when there are meetings, stuff like that. But you can only properly be fired for that, if you do it multiple times (depending on the severity), you will get written warnings beforehand.
Another reason is mass layoffs, but they have to have a valid reason too, which doesnt include "oops we hired too many people last year".
So under normal circumstances you will not get fired in Germany, its a different story if you only have a 2 year contract for example, then you might not get a renewal, but a company cannot indefinetly rehire you with a limited contract, they will have to give you an unlimited one, if they want to keep you for longer.