Hey Lumelore, it makes me extremely happy to know that you found yourself and are now happier than ever before! ❤ When I was little I had extremely low self esteem, for that reason (and bad eye-hand-coordination) I started Karate at 5 years, which gave me a significant boost in confidence in acting more like my usual weird me. So thankfully even when I was mocked for not being (or trying) to be especially masculine it didn't bother me too much. But maybe without 20 years of Karate lessons I would have reacted differently in the past.
Actually I did draw myself as women after a small (large) amount of loud sighs and nervosity (is that an english word?). And it made me feel really weird insight. When I was finished the feeling I got was a mixture of longing, confidence, warmth and a tiny bit of melancholy? Its hard to put in words.
Maybe I will share the picture with this community if am confident enough.
Thankfully I trust my friends to accept me even if I'm not cis. My family, even though they are all "boring" cishet people, is also very open and liberal in that matter, but it still makes me nervous especially when thinking about my brother which I have a good relationship with.
but for now:
- Step 1: figuring myself out
- Step 2: dealing with close people
Thank you for your thoughtful replay oNevia, reflecting on masculine situations is a great advice! Actually I do remember there were instances i felt quite uncomfortable putting on a "fake" masculine facade. Especially during school sport events and when in changing rooms with other men/boys. On one hand are these moments relatively rare for me, but on the other hand I also don't really feel accomplished when acting in a typical male behaviour. I think I will pay closer attention to that aspect now.
I think in the future I need to leave my comfort zone and experiment more often. For a while now, I have the feeling im living on autopilot, so that's hopefully something that can help me!