1 Post – 1896 Comments
Joined 1 years ago

it could be tang he's old enough and he has access to that sweet sweet astronaut money

lower those eyebrows young man

just because his sense of humor died doesn't mean comedy did

my what a savings

I do three things and mosquitos avoid me: I eat a ton of garlic, I take a ton of drugs, and I smoke a ton of weed. My blood is semisolid.

Did you know if you say Kamala three times while looking in the mirror you should probably find something better to do with your time

Maybe she'll eat arugula

I can't remember the one I saw that was the worst, it was like "you're gonna wish you bought butter" or "you'd hope for butter, but you'd be wrong"

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I had a profesor who collected tractors. He had something like 80 of them. When I asked about JD, all he would say was Fuck John Deere.

What you ain't got tubs

They sell these plastic ones at the grocery store where you just shove em down the drain and pull em right back down, all barbed and shit along the length of the snake thingy, and then it comes out looking like you snagged a R.O.U.S. and you realize you forgot to put on your nitrile gloves and fuck it just huck it in the can but they're a buck ninety nine the last I checked. Last time might have gotten a little hairy.

I'm not into pokemans

Oh neat Bong makes post holers now

oh gods what happens when the ai discovers the poop knife

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Senator Feinstein never backed away from a fight

especially when it was with schoolchildren

You gotta go low and slow. 12 hours (give or take) at 225°F until it gets to an internal temperature of 203°F and becomes fork tender. That way all the collagen and fat renders out.

Oh dude the shit I flipped when I figured out the cult I grew up in was a cult? It was not pretty. I get it.

We have robots. It's the future now. We should be retiring at 85 while the robots live in luxurious sky cities.

Oh I see we're on Projection

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Whatever you do, don't hold your poop for three days

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edit: seriously my dudes wtf is corn I have a job interview at a farm in five minutes

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I'm antivax because I sell tiny coffins and business was slow

Oh I thought we were talking kidnapping

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You're thinking lumens

"remember when cars rusted like shitballs? What if we sold trucks that did that?"

"people buy our cars and their panels have these gaps you wouldn't see in any other manufacturer. And our cars, they seem to have a taste for the blood of children. People keep buying the cars though. We're doing something right and it's sure as hell not making cars"

"yeah but look at the stock price"

"good point"

Money fight!

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I would like to solve your trolley problem with multi track drifting please

We still tease my mother about the time she discovered cumin and cooked everything with it for four years with it. Like, even pancakes. We call it the time of enchiladas.

It was good, just everything tasted like enchiladas. Coulda been worse.

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Some idiots think it means the government can't do anything to regulate churches. There a bunch of laws that disagree.

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There's gonna be three sides to the next civil war: secede, stay, and the swifties; and the swifties are going to have the largest army. I don't know why they think picking this fight is in any way intelligent.

Take it from me. You don't want to give up farting.

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That's one count of parking your bar in the way of a police cruiser and one count of being gay in st. louis. Bake 'em away, toys.

You know who would make a great speaker if the house? Liz Truss.

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I'll take a tank to pay my student debt

Please give me a tank to pay my student debt

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I remember the week after I saved a client forty five large in taxes, my boss gave me a ten dollar gift card to Walmart. I don't have many kind things to say about that boss.

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heh heh more water bugs for me

Campus cops never kept people safe. They keep the property safe.

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Really depends who you are.

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