I appreciate it! I still see it from this angle too and those were my exact intentions, even though it was a bold move. Reading everyone's input helps me feel less bad and consider new perspectives

It is definitely possible and I have spent much less time on social media overall these recent years. Societal expectations/norm, family asking, my own internal thoughts contribute surely contribute too. How does one look past all of these reminders?

I agree, thank you! I started doing that when he was harassing me about printing months ago. It was such a ridiculous question. He asked me where in the office the printers are. They are literally everywhere. And he has been there before. There is a huge map at the entrance. Also I was not even on the floor, nor am I Maintenance. I emailed back something like "I missed the text you had sent on the weekend. There are printers near each of the supplies areas on the floor."

That makes sense, thank you. I didn't think of that and consider how things looked from his side. I keep wondering though, was there anything that could have been done to fix the situation once it happened?

This helps, thank you. I can see how he would have no way of knowing that type of behavior is not the norm for me and that I'm not carrying something contagious. It's all very ironic because I myself tend to be mindful of germs but did that on a whim. I keep wondering though, was there anything that could have been done to fix this once it happened?

Thank you so much! I'm relieved to hear that you would have interpreted it as I had intended, an innocent flirty sign. It was really the first time I had done that and agree about the sanitation/safety factors. What should I have done to fix it after that happened, if any? For example, I keep wondering if it would've helped for me to apologize and clarify my intentions, and try to continue dancing with him. Or do you think he would see that as desperate? Do you think he thought I was an "easy" person without boundaries?

I will say while the harassment wasn't in the sense of bossman asking for a quickie in his office - the harassment was clear with sexual undertone. For more context, we went on a work trip where it was supposed to be all 3 of us there overnight. Ann bailed (no surprise there), so I was forced to be there with Ned. I wanted to go to a cheaper hotel and made it clear I was content staying there myself while he went elsewhere, and Ned kept pressuring me to get this fancy hotel, same one as him. He rented this bright colored trendy car (not the norm for business trips) and said he thought it would look better/more impressive. I instantly thought "Who cares? We are here for work." It clearly wasn't for the client because he purposefully parked far away so they wouldn't see (suspicious in and of itself). He wanted me to go to dinner (with his friend, but still) and randomly claimed he forgot to pack the most essential things and wanted me to go to not one, but two, stores with him. I was so pissed when he kept pressuring me to order a more expensive dish to share and got upset when I didn't. We got back to the hotel around 10:30pm or even later. Constantly cracking dumb jokes trying to make me laugh. So yes I think the look in his eye wasn't innocent warmth and longing. I sat in that car and went with his shenanigans because it was a work trip. Some people might be ok with this shit. I'm not some people. As for dramatic, I'll take it over keeping silent over this misogynistic treatment that has no place in any community.

Red flag parade lol! But yes very true, I think poor guy knows it too and is really trying to turn it around. I literally told him I'm not sure if it's my trust issues or he's a walking red flag, and he took it very well. That's also why I'm attracted I think, he is so sweet after all he's been through. But reading everyone's warnings was a wake-up call and made me feel bad and questioning myself for feeling attracted to him. Thank you so much

Thank you for the thoughtful comment and encouragement! Do you think there was anything that could be done to fix the situation once it happened? I'm a little worried how much it's been on my mind since it happened a few nights ago but it is definitely improving with time. I think I'm just feeling lonely romantically nowadays

Thank you! How should I phrase it to be professional yet assertive? I admittedly sometimes sound "nice" when I'm trying to set boundaries but clearly that hasn't been working with him and he does not seem to respect me.

I agree, thank you! That was the worst part of it all. I think it brought back some of my past trauma as well dealing with this other nasty mean pair ganging up on me. I was several years younger than that pair too. Some people just love to try exerting control when it isn't even about that. In this case, it was as if Ann kept trying to matchmake us and felt like I owed that to her, blatantly asking my age and stating that he is X years older, asking what my type is, blaming me for "creating distance" when I always take public transpo home and simply wanted to again - on a Saturday night at that. Do you think they might retaliate though, especially Ann? I don't know why I'm so afraid of that part

Thank you so much for the thoughtful insight! It's funny in a not so funny way how growing up I was like of course I will eventually settle down, get married, and procreate. Probably meet a "one" by 22, 23 and marry a few years later. Yeah that sounds like a great plan. And then reality hit, including a pandemic. Long story short, I'm not sure if I want kids and can't fathom all the work that comes with that but I'm also not closing the door on it.

8 billion humans yet the ones I've tried loving were either emotionally unavailable, looking for something different, or a narcissist (most recent and hurt the most even after all the other boys). It almost makes me wonder if I'm incompatible with a relationship.

I appreciate the safe space and validation to forget what I think I should do and prioritize what I want to do. I probably sound really dark about this topic but it helps having support from kind samaritans like you. We'll see what happens. If you don't mind me asking, did this all work out for you? Winding road or fairly easy?

I'm the same way unfortunately. I get emotionally attached and invested. I know many have said it is a good thing to be pure and trusting in romance, rather than jaded and give up, but I keep getting hurt by those who are not meant to be and feel like time goes by so fast. Sometimes I think it would be nice to not feel as much and be able to have a not so serious traditional long term relationship especially with these upcoming circumstances.

Thank you for your advice :) I know you're right, it's often easier said than done but I'll continue doing my best to trust the process. I'll try to remind myself that it'll be that much sweeter when the right person comes along at the right time, if that's what is meant to happen

Not the same person but I don't know if that makes this better or worse, girl. And I'm fully aware my dating record so far has potential for a pretty profitable heartbreak podcast :'( Narcissist, tortured bad boy, lovebombers, guy who dumps me right before my favorite holiday, middle aged coworker who almost kidnaps me (we weren't dating, but damn).

It helped so much to imagine everything without the sparkly tingly feels. Frightening. I agree it was moving way too fast from his side and I truly hope he finds the resources to heal. I told him he deserves happiness and hope he stays well. I'll think about him time to time from afar. Unable to be with him, unable to forget him. That's the way it goes. Thank you for your help, friend

So sorry for what you had to go through and thank you for sharing. I do think he needs some time and space to heal. I feel awful for what he had to endure. His PTSD is from serving as a veteran rather than family abuse as far as he knows. Does that change anything?

I agree, thank you. That could've been a good opportunity to actually speak to him for the first time. I keep wondering though, was there anything that could have been done to fix the situation once it happened?

Thank you so much! I really should and need to after investing a lot into my goals. I'm starting to feel bad for feeling attracted to him. More importantly, I was trying to understand why was I falling for him and what I can do to not keep going for the wrong guys.

Well said, I still have scars but at least they're not open wounds anymore. And I do believe the breakup helped him in his journey even if it didn't seem like it to either of us at that point in time. It shook him awake a bit and hopefully offered some new perspective.

Thank you for the reminder, friend. I sometimes am the hardest on myself.

Thank you so much for your input, a lot to think about. I think I will wonder about him from time to time and worry about his welfare. It'll have to be from a distance. Stay well!

Oh man they both didn't deserve you and another ounce of your energy! Thank you so much and will warmly welcome you to guest on my podcast haha, sending a big online hug back!

Thank you for the compliment! It made me smile :) Sorry for the delay after recently traveling. You're a cool bee too

Thank you for offering the more passionate support on this thread. I feel a lot better about it all after processing it some more. I totally agree it was the abrupt way he just dropped it that shocked me a little especially given how into our other interactions he seemed

Thank you so much! This is very true. You seem like a friendly bee too :)

I keep going back and forth unable to decide. It's a valid point. I'm just so afraid to open up too much only to have to walk away or one of us not wanting to do long distance. Maybe I should try putting effort into my appearance and sitting alone at a cafe/bar because there is a fatigue with dating apps. I was dating December 2023-Feb 2024 using 1 app and was exhausted so if anything I don’t think that app is working out

Thank you so much! That's exactly what I'm grappling with. If proactively going on dating apps takes so much energy and mindpower, maybe I should fully make the most of the free time now and see what could happen naturally in the new area. Because even though it's busy there, it would also be easier to keep up to date with one another, so to speak. But then again, back to the limited time frame to even find that person because nothing is guaranteed. Oy, it's tiring just thinking about it all. For context, I was dating December 2023-Feb 2024 using 1 app and was exhausted so if anything I don't think that app is working out

Thank you so much for your input. So sorry to hear what you've had to go through! It really puts everything into perspective and I hope you are doing better each day. You seem like a very strong person who can hold his own without feeling the need for a partner the way I feel due to societal pressures, and I respect that.

A lot to think about and reflect on, I appreciate it. For the question in your comment, is it essentially asking if I would date someone who asked me to do long distance in the event the roles were reversed? Or was it more like would I proceed with the long distance relationship if I convinced myself to try for it and asked the other person if they wanted to do that with me?

Thank you so much for taking the time to shed light onto a topic that can get dark. It really gives me hope. You seem like an incredibly wise and insightful person. I would've loved to be friends with you if we happened to initially connect in person but we can be online pals! I am glad to hear everything worked out for you and that you are happy in a strong relationship :)

Don't worry about it, thank you for sharing the perspective you gained from your experience. I am just now seeing the exchange below. It wasn't my intention to create a controversial discussion, but I appreciate you both taking time to offer input.

I agree, thank you!

Thank you so much, it means a lot to me! Sorry I'm just now returning and catching up on messages

Thanks for your input. Maybe it wasn't clear in the post: it was a fast food type coffee shop where you order in line and then sit down. The fact that I placed my order first, before he then ordered a coffee identical to mine, makes me wonder why it would be acceptable for him to abruptly grab the first one that was ready on the counter, without even so much as a word or a glance, and walk away to a different counter to do whatever while I was stunned, speechless, and just waiting for the next one. He clearly saw me waiting, didn't bother to say a word, and showed no remorse afterwards even if he somehow didn't hear my order from a few inches away (highly unlikely). First impression in person too. I get that there will be people who don't care about the coffee ordeal, however I wouldn't even think of doing that to someone else, regardless of gender or any other characteristic - especially on a 1st date. It's just weird and rude. At the very least, I would confirm what the other ordered (which he already asked before we actually ordered) and freaking let them have a chance to pick it up, as they ordered first. If at a restaurant, the party behind you was served first for the same exact order, wouldn't you feel at least it's a little unfair? And in this case, it was your date who intentionally made that happen, not the waiter/waitress? Anyway, I agree with everything else in your comment

Thanks for input. I know there's always room for self-work as we all can relate but I assure you it's not to that degree personally. Just for the big picture, I was very hungover when writing this after not going out for a very long time, but didn't want to postpone it more so it might sound a bit like I'm thinking out loud. Please be kind with me; when it comes to love or lack thereof, it can be a very grey area for all and I really am doing my best to process experiences. I do believe it's possible to better understand body/mind/heart while balancing a productive career as well.

Thank you for one of the more thorough responses addressing my questions. It really helps. One part though that I'm wondering relates to your 1st sentence: what are your thoughts on his behavior at the coffee shop? Do you think that's strange and rude? I added more context in my comment above as it may not have been clear in the post

I agree, thank you! This is one of the most helpful comments and covered all questions.

I see your point. I guess I value having explicit closure on both sides and especially considering his emotional conditions in this case. I don't want to be the reason he gains more of a dark thought process. I probably care too much and admittedly overthink at times. If we look at ghosting as a concept, I do all that I can not to generally. The main reason I delayed response this recent month is an overwhelming number of commitments to get through after being ill for some time, and it's not the norm for me at all. I always feel like I should reply even if it isn't to continue relations. I completely see your point though and know many see it that way too

Thank you, all the best to you too!

Thank you, and to you as well!

I do think that was likely what happened. And also true that it isn't good for dating and he might benefit from some more self-work. Thank you!

Well said, he is the type of guy who would change his behavior completely if I were a male. So in a word, misogynist as was mentioned above. It still makes me so angry, mainly the lack of respect. It also confuses me that someone I shared all this with, who is of a very different culture, said Ann/Ned didn't really do anything wrong (which no one has said on this thread). I know this person means well but I would really understand them better if they weren't always trying to see what I could do better from my side, and acknowledge that sometimes other people are the bad guy.