avenging_beatrice

Do not mess with Mrs. Liubov. She has friends. Who are snipers. In ghillie suits.

I am so sorry she took this opportunity and wasted it. Parents acting this way to their own children still angers and saddens me, even if it no longer surprises me. I gave up trying to understand a long time ago.

Instead, I am adopting you (in this virtual forum) and sharing the letter I sent to my own daughter when she sent us her letter. She still presents as male at the moment, but is in the process of transitioning.

Please take a very big virtual hug, too. You are bold; you are brilliant; you are beautiful.

Message me anytime.

Love, Adopted Mom

Dear [NAME],

Trusting your words, but not your voice (literally), you recently sent us a letter to come out as transgender, telling us you’ve known since your young, teenage years.

I read your words and was so proud of you. Your anxiety must have been immense, but you set down on paper who you are. I have always told you about the power of putting things in writing. The words, whatever they are, can’t be taken back — they’re out there. Sure, they can be clarified or explained, but never erased. And you sent them to us.

When I saw you next, part of me wanted to tell you that I’ve known about this part of you for a long time, maybe for longer than you acknowledged it yourself. But I didn’t because I didn’t want to take a chance on taking any part of this moment away from you. It takes a lot to gain self-awareness like this. It takes yet even more to tell someone, let alone your parents - let alone again to put it in writing.

And as to that, there is something else I’ve told you all your life, or a variation of it. You may no longer be a baby, but you will always be my baby. That’s not meant to infantilize you; it’s a promise. Transgender or not, you could change your name from the one I gave you, and you would still be my child. You can live with me or move 2,000 miles away, and I will be there for you, because you are my child. My sweet, funny, witty, smart, awesome child.

When I saw you next, I didn’t say any of that either, and then one of your siblings came into the room, and I couldn’t address any of it at all. In your letter, you asked that we not say anything. We would never have had intentions to do so; that’s your right, so that request is more than easy to honor. I look forward to the day when you can be authentic with them as well, but that will take some time, I think.

All I could do at that moment was give you a quick, tight hug and whisper to you, “I love you, and your father loves you, too.” I hope you read into that hug and words all that we feel, and that you know that we love and support you.

And we would also put that in writing, if you wished. 😊

You’re welcome. ❤️

Well, on Monday I was informed that I was not being moved to the next round of interviews for the “promotion” I had applied for. This is the third time I have put myself forward at this place - which practically has no paths for growth or career movement. I have been giving myself this week to grieve, then next week I start planning. I’m not desperate to leave, I still like my job, but I will be crafting my next steps. It will be a challenge, which for brevity’s sake I won’t expand on here, so that has me feeling a bit anxious, blue, and trapped, but this is the grieving week. It’s all part of the stew. On the positive side, my spouse is still my rock, and a friend surprised me with her level of support, and I feel closer to her. This is great because I have been wanting to be better friends.

Yep! I have been teaching this play in my classes and we watch the movie at the end. It is amazing what all my students have to say about the themes of this story. Even my “I’m not a writer” students will jump to start the assignments. I can’t say enough good things about it.

Steamdeck gaming and #Monsterdon

One of the issues at hand is this: employers now have things structured where there are only so many roles and only so many people in those roles, and so someone has to leave before you can level up in any way. And even if you can demonstrate that a new role is needed and how you are the natural candidate to get that new role going and grow with it, in order “to be fair”, they have to open interviews because they no longer promote people just on merit, you have to apply for everything. I think that for some roles that’s a perfect strategy, but I think that giving people opportunities to grow based on their performance should also be a thing. Otherwise, you end up in a position like I am in.

This is the third time I have interviewed for another internal role. My boss knows I am seeking to grow. I am kickass in my current role (boss’s words) - so is the other person I suspect was my competition (they tried to play it off as though there were several candidates, but I’m pretty sure it was just one other) - but instead of being rewarded or given a growth opportunity of any kind, I was left the option of competing for the chance to grow. It makes me kind of resent the extra I put in that I didn’t have to because what was the point? The other person did not put in that extra, and they either have the job or are at least going forward.

My boss has offered a feedback meeting if I want one, but I wonder if there’s a point. There is no guarantee of a timetable for another position like this opening up in the near future, and even if it does, my implementation of their feedback won’t make that much difference (I’ve tried that track twice already) because I will have to compete for it anyway, and twice already those efforts seem to have no influence on their decision.

Companies complain about talent leaving, but then restrict all growth to singular paths gated by competition with one’s coworkers instead of a person’s own drive and abilities, even if it was that person’s efforts that showed the need for the position.

As I said, I am grief-staging right now. Bitterness is one, right?

I should also add that I’m sorry your situation has caused an argument with your SO. You don’t have to give more details if you’d prefer not to, but I am curious, I confess, how that happened. If your current place has no paths for growth or change, then there is nothing wrong with looking elsewhere or finding out what you need to acquire to make that change - whether it’s elsewhere or at the same company. Life is to short to stay in unhappy jobs; I believe it’s what has caused a lot of health problems in our parents’ generations.

I have a friend who used to stuff dryer sheets in a paper towel roll and blow out through that. Believe it or not, it actually helped.

I’m not sure I have anything I can say, but I will offer a BIG INTERNET HUG.

Henry’s Hunan on Natoma St. is quite good.

I am proud of you for making the choice to ignore the accepted programming of “but faaaaamily” and judge whether to let these individuals into your life based on who they are as people. It is such a hard thing to do. I have nearly cut off all contact with my family - father included - because of such attitudes, and I’m not trans, either. As adults, making friends takes more purposeful action, and that means time in a lot of cases, but it’s worth it. (BIG INTERNET HUG)