Free speech absolutism is what ruined all the failed Reddit alternatives, including Voat. For the sake of growth or simple naive idealism, extreme voices inundated the moderate and saner opinions. Who wants to settle down on such places?

Google did some creative rewriting and killed half the joke. It actually says something like: "If you need mom[,] feed yourself you must. Covering! Thank you!"

The original spanglish also has a spelling and grammar mistake: cubieta -> 'cubierta' (fem. part. form of "cubrirse") which doesn't fit at all here.

My knowledge is a little dated and I remember messing around dyndns or noip to update my IP many years ago. I guess a simple script running on the router or the host should suffice?