Fwiw, I think using a self hosted home automation setup (shout out to home assistant) paired with smart devices that don't use internet (e.g. zigbee, zwave, or matter once it comes out) can allow you to have a smart home without these kinds of fears.
That said, I would definitely agree to using mechanical locks. Although a monitored smart security system is probably still a good idea - you're letting a company virtually enter your house, but you can't rely on a self hosted solution to notify you when your power goes out, for example.
I haven't gotten into vrchat personally, but I love that it's become well known as a good safe place for people to explore their gender identities