As a Latin American it is so surreal to see American politicians behave the same way as their counterparts in countries like Nicaragua and Venezuela, hopefully things are not going to go down this route

Yes definitely some of the things there are of the ones she've said to me. At the beginning I couldn't tell if I was right or wrong to be honest since (and I'll get a bit personal here) the first time we had an issue was over some random girl that she deemed less (she actually said she was a whore) told her that she dated me for a short while and she was trying to frame me as disgusting over that and that how I never told her I dated that girl, thanks to ADHD and being a bit of a neofite in relationships I assumed I was in the wrong for not being totally open over that, but now I know it is not normal to have to talk who I dated before hell I never asked who she dated previously cause I truly don't care.

I'm so scared that now I'm in for a ride since she'll be leaving to Europe for a beauty pageant and the thought that she might find someone "better" than me ticks my rejection fears and hypersensitivity the wrong way.

That sounds horrible really I'm sorry you had to go through that and I cannot even imagine how it should be to deal with someone in your family with those traits. But definitely I feel that once I manage to break the loop in my head I'll have a lot of development emotionally and psychologically.

Also thanks for your last words, I need to remind myself I'm a good person and have a lot going on for myself and as well it already happened as soon as I stopped beging her to talk she came back trying to catch me and the cycle repeated itself I need to cut her completely from my life and detox.

Thanks again and courage for you as well.

I mean she has a dog and she pays for his food and all, but her mom is actually the one taking care of it she won't feed him or shower him, she'll just be with him when she's going to sleep.

From what I gathered from her mom is that she has like a fear of expectations and compromises, like to give more context about her she's a quite accomplished make up artist she actually makes a pretty penny out of it and she supports her family and all so quite ok in that regard. Now, once she had this conversation with my mom (my family owns a few businesses so we have ok money) and she wanted to put money down to grow my partner's business since she was getting into the family in a serious way, she was flattered and told me the whole thing and I told her it sounded great and I was going to help her to set everything up tho it was going to envolve a few years for it to run by itself, to what she replied "oh I don't want the responsibility" and I mean maybe I'm overeaching but she's like that with anything that involves her sacrificing time or putting the effort since she knows she won't be able to drink everyday anymore or be all pretty all the time.

sometimes I feel that because she sae my family had a bit of wealth instantly she was going to get a house and a car for me and her and like we've been together for 8 months like it's kinda unrealistic at least in my books plus is my families money not only mine.

This is how it actually feels like being addicted to a drug and it's hard to run away since I got used to sleep with her and do things with her all the time plus the whole fact that I had this crush on her since I was a teen makes it worst cause I imagined I ended up idealizing a relationship with her but she's a broken glass and she'll never be happy with anyone cause she thinks everyone is disposable and she'll be looking for the next big thing really disgusting behaviour really

Yeah now I'm getting to that realization, I don't know how much the fact I had a crush on her and the persona she showed online and at the beginning stages of the relationship made me fall for the death trap, a year ago I had a big breakup with someone I was actually going to marry and all and left me on a really bad state and blocked my emotions until a met this girl like no joke the first date was so magical that made me want to feel love again but know I'm more fearful of any connection even tho I crave it so bad since I want to feel I have a partner that can see what I'm inside.

At the risk of being a bit harsh, I wonder if this song applies?

I know the the offspring hell long time no listening to that song I completely forgot it's existence used to be really into punk when I was a teen you brought me back in time, but yeah definitely I feel that way currently. I also think about this song when I ponder about the situation I'm in currently also a bit rough if you're down but gotta love it haha

Also thanks for your recommendations I'll give them a read or try to grab an audio book version to manage to go thru them, you mentioned self love and to be honest I really don't know if I have low self esteem like I used to when I was a teen I was always the odd one because of my preferences in music, movies or topics I liked in general tho I started wearing the weird title as a badge of honor and cultivated my knowledge and abilities more than my physique, now I made more of a compromise with my looks since I'm an adult and well I have to fit in society but still inside I love my brain and how it saved me from a lot off stuff in my whole life, but now I know I could be with someone that treats me properly and I'm charming in my own weird way it's just that somehow she played with my brain to the point I'm just running in circles for no reason and I feel so dumb that I cannot get out of this loop, hell I even remember at the very beginning telling her that I could see the walls she created around herself with her online persona and that I could see thru them and I knew she's actually fragile inside but didn't realize that fits into what narcissist actually do and couldn't see the red flag.

Overall I think me being a "weird" person growing up made me feel empathy for everyone since I suffered abuse from people most of my life and people usually exploit that trait for their benefit.

I have a friend with diagnosed BPD and she said it could be BPD but that she might have narcissistic traits, in hindsight she had a rough upbringing like you know she's transgender an she transitioned on the early 2010s when there was not a lot of acceptance and awareness of lbgtq people plus she was raised by a single mother so it could explain why she developed BPD.

I've asked her to talk out things when she's sober but she flat out avoids the confrontation like while drunk she'll tell me to go to her place and stay with her and only when I got fed up and popped in her place without asking again I was able to see her in person after weeks of no physical contact. I think she doesn't wants me to bring up uncomfortable situations to the table which I have a few, like people around her showing me that she was on a dating site for trans women for a while already, and I mean myself in willing to work out things if possible but it feels like I'm doing everything and destroying myself in the process (also I know 100% that was her cause she used a picture of her in my car and never posted that pic in social media)

Myself I definitely need to stop drinking every weekend since I'm fearful of becoming dependent to that I'll give the tea a try and try to manage my anxiety in a healthier way.