You too can be a Cracker

ಠ_ಠ

"I won't be pooping for the next three days"

Trying to constantly remind myself that none of us are immune to propaganda, and that it would be really easy for this scenario to be misrepresented as a clean-sweep against the Russian military. Wagner's def gonna cause serious problems but I'd frankly be shocked if this ended with a successful coup or any meaningful change (tho I hope I'm wrong)

Over in c/asklemmy, someone asked for advice on how to not poop for three days, and it seems to have officially become The First Lemmy Meme

$40,000 would pay off all debts for me and my wife, and allow us finally catch our breath. The monthly payments have been annihilating us for years, and neither of our careers have recovered since COVID.

It feels like an endless tunnel.

I have done two seven-day fasts and four three-day fasts. You'll want to prep with fasting practice and then watch your water intake to make sure you're not dehydrated.

I would pay $50 to know why the fuck you're doing this.

The rich get richer / The poor get poorer / When our time comes / No guilt for the horror

or maybe

The planet is burning / We die of starvation / Abolish the wealthy / And claim our salvation

or maybe

One, two, buckle my shoe / Three, four, overthrow the 1% and bring about a socialist utopia, etc

Maybe they could all try a submersible? Nice and compact, doesn't take up much space, will kill them, etc

This is gonna get so fucked up.

Honeybees moved into my backyard recently. I guess they somehow attract a lot of different wildlife in some mysterious way, because we now have cardinals, blue jays, possums, chipmunks, and marble lizards living back there too.

For context, I live in Ridgewood Queens, so this feels absolutely insane. Loving every second of it but god damn

Are you fucking insane?

I've had a cough for the last two months that's given me a hernia. Can't go to the doctor. It's fun here.

Life is only getting worse for pretty much everyone, all the time, so yeah, that makes sense.

Growing up homeschooled in a cult in the American South, escaping, and then moving to Brooklyn. Kind of a roundhouse-kick to the id, ego, and outlook on literally everything

I'm not sure my ass is powerful enough

Not knowing it was plant-based, I got a monstrous jumbo something-or-other burger from Monty's Good Burger in LA.

Honestly I almost freaked out at how good it was, and even went back to the place just to tell them it was the best burger I ever had.

It's the one thing pulling me west

Having never made a jam or a jelly of any kind, I'm hesitant to try this, but it might be a good option. Do you have a favorite plum jam recipe?

This is an absolute nightmare scenario

Any time you make any amount of money, put 5% of it into a savings account. If you don't have a savings account, make one. If you can't make one, put the money somewhere safe in your house.

5% doesn't sound like a lot, and for broke/poor people it can often mean the difference between eating that day or not, but if you're able to do it, really seriously do it. I recently calculated where I'd be right now if I had done that, and I would have saved over $20,000 in the last 15 years if I had listened to my own stupid advice.

Also, wear moisturizing sunscreen every single day.

It never even occurred to me to put a sign up advertising the bounty of the tree. This might be simplest. But on the off chance no one takes me up on that, I'll still have almost 300 plums. I'll check out that webzone, thanks

!listentothis@lemm.ee is popping off

Hell yeah, thanks

I'll do "so far" instead of "all time" because all time has not yet elapsed, but I'll shut up and list the current roster:

• Werckmeister Harmonies
• Fellowship of the Ring
• The Dreamers
• The Wind Rises
• L'eclisse

Honorable mentions go to Casino Royale, Ashes and Diamonds, The Empire Strikes Back, Paprika, and Vanilla Sky.

Lots of top-quality dumb news this week

Holy shit. This might be the winner

Yes.

I probably should have planned for this weeks ago. Things are gonna get sticky

It's nice to post in a place that has enthusiasm, rather than a place that's become a rote content-mill

I would immediately pay off all of my debts in my online banking/credit cards/student loan/utility accounts, send my Landlord my rent early via Zelle, login to my parent's mortgage and credit card accounts and pay them all off, pay off all of my wife's student loans and credit cards and business loans via her online accounts, and spend the rest on ebay gift cards.

Right here: I Made This

I swear If i'm about to be sucked into some looking-glass or magical shoe I'm gonna be pissed

Damn. I read "cash" as "liquid assets." and not necessarily, like, physical benjamins.

I guess I'd hustle over to the midtown and buy every single Rolex and Omega I could get my hands on at Watches of Switzerland, Bucherer, and Wempe. Probably would hit the half-million mark real fast and would then re-sell them at leisure

I'M A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY

She's really good at the whole Cartoon Villain thing

insulin

I don't expect anything. That's why I'm asking if anyone has any ideas I haven't thought of.

I wish i could qualify for a loan, or had rich relatives, or had something like that I could sell. Maybe I could sell a kidney

This is a pretty dogshit take, homie.

This can feel pretty daunting, but the wonderful thing about cooking is that its difficulty almost always scales with what you actually want.

If you have little foundational knowledge about nutrition and what a home-cooked meal actually, like, looks like, I would recommend taking a bit of a hybrid approach: pre-made meals from a service like Freshly, Factor, or Sunbasket, and home-cooking from scratch. Think of this like training wheels.

Freshly, Factor, and other companies like them offer really high-quality, healthy, tasty meals with fully accounted for nutritional and caloric details. If you did a 7 or 14 meal-weekly delivery, you could have at least one guaranteed meal per day that would be something you could study and easily replicate yourself.

Now, as for actual cooking:

Identify a few foods that you typically gravitate to. I don't mean something as broad as "japanese" or "mexican," but more specific, like "ramen" or "quesadillas." Believe it or not, you can make very healthy versions of both of those foods - you just wouldn't want to eat them every day.

Once you identify the foods that you love, you can start to plan what your week will look like. If you want to have, say, chicken with potatoes and some greens for dinner every night for a week, you could do the following:

• Make sure you have at least one cooking sheet like this
• Get some oven mitts
• Get a sharp cooking knife (you don't need to spend more than 20 bucks on this)
• Get a multipack of meal-size tupperware that seals tightly, like this
• Go to the grocery store and buy cold-pressed extra-virgin olive oil (seriously, don't cheap out on your cooking fats, it affects literally everything and can make you hate cooking if you buy cheap shit) sea salt, black pepper, umami seasoning, oregano flakes, and your favorite kind of hot-pepper like cayenne or red pepper flakes

You can buy a 5-pound pack of chicken thighs for between $8 and $17 bucks, depending on where you live. This will make 7 dinner's worth of chicken.

Buy your favorite kind of greens, whether its broccoli, asparagus, kale, etc.

Buy a bag of russet potatoes. Don't peel them!

Buy some parchment paper. Put a piece of it on the baking sheet so it covers the surface. Pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees.

Heat a skillet on your stovetop on medium heat, pour a little olive oil in, and wait until the oil starts to crackle a little bit. Put the chicken thighs a few at a time on the hot skillet and get them a little brown - we're talking two minutes either side. Do this for all the chicken thighs while the oven pre-heats.

Once the oven is fully heated, put the chicken thighs on the parchment paper on the baking sheet, lightly drizzle them with olive oil, and sprinkle some salt, pepper, and umami seasoning on them. Cook for 40 minutes at 375.

While this is happening, prep a second cooking sheet with potatoes and greens. Cut the potatoes into quarters, and mix them up with the broccoli or asparagus on another cooking sheet, also on parchment paper. Season them with olive oil salt, pepper, and whatever else you're feeling, and wait until the chicken is done.

Once it is, put the potatoes and broccoli in the hot oven and cook for 30 minutes at the same heat.

Let all of this food cool on the stove - do NOT put it in your fridge while it's hot - and then portion them out in the tupperware you bought. Eat that shit all week.

For breakfast, you're on your own. I've never mastered anything past protein bars and eggs, but that's a willpower thing.