Functional Programming vs. Object Oriented Programming

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Functional Programming vs. Object Oriented Programming — Monday Morning Haskell
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I propose a new paradigm:

Objectional programming

Functions don't return

Everything must be done by side effects

Global state mutation is inheritance

Every call is non blocking and spawns a new thread

???

Profit

Functions don't return... equals goto. Everything must be done by side effects... all variables are global. Global state mutation is inheritance... no grok. Every call is non-blocking and spawns a new thread... atomic bomb for junior software engineers.

??? ... shorting the stock of the company that adopts this.

Profit!

??? … shorting the stock of the company that adopts this.

Screw that I'm going to invest... how do you think Elon Musk got so rich? He did it with sloppy engineering.

To get a first mover advantage, you have to be first. You don't get there by being a perfectionist.

I am currently working on a game for the Atari 2600, and you just gave a good outline of my code. And I love it.