Parenting a Neurodivergent child

Autistic parent of an ADHD child here, hello! I believe that the kiddo's diagnosis immensely helped her mother get one as well. Stuff like that takes a while to sink in, but IMO, it's very liberating when you get to see a professional about your struggles & go, "oh, THAT'S what this is!" I also believe that my own diagnosis helped our child.

I actually wasn't diagnosed until I was already well into my 20's & from that POV, I couldn't be happier that offspring was diagnosed early. It's not all roses for her either, of course, but the constant blaming (self & otherwise) & crushing sense of isolation is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Ironically, due to my own upbringing, offspring's executive dysfunction can sometimes be a little challenging for me. Having been seen as dumb & lazy haunts me every day, but I'm doing my best. Our relationship is wonderful & we often laugh at neurodivergent memes together.

It's funny too, because offspring has been suspected of being on the spectrum, while I've been suspected of having an attention disorder. Unfortunately though, the quality of my care is currently such that it's impossible to be probing further.

Not a parent but here's my own personal advice as someone with ADHD and some autistic traits as well as someone who's worked with Neurodivergent youth and has received training for such work as well.

I would like to not only echo the weariness of ABA but also of note to be very weary of any medical professional who seems to focus more so on "normalizing" their behavior, specifically in the sense of trying push back against potential behavior and traits that aren't inherently harmful, and if they are harmful in some way they are trying to push back against it entirely instead of pushing for more healthy means. An example would be stimming, stimming is absolutely fine and healthy on its own, but if the kid is stimming in a potentially unhealthy way they shouldn't be directed against stimming entirely rather they should be figuring out ways to make their stimming behavior safe and healthy.

Another thing that applies not just to medical professionals of any kind but anyone in general, be VERY mindful of those who infantilize your child. In the sense of who seem to deny your child's own agency or autonomy from the language they use and the interactions they have with you and your child. A big example would be for instance talking as if your child is unable to comprehend what is being discussed with your child right next to you and clearly able to understand what is being said. Another example would be questioning their autonomy, and just generally treating them in a way that is inherently condescending as if they are toddler when they clearly aren't. Another would be in interactions when you know your child is clearly capable of independence, they try to insert themselves in ways to "help" as if they are completely helpless and it's an instance you clearly know it isn't a support need they have. Individuals who do this aren't always doing this as a means to be malicious, but those who do this are more often than not the ones to do so maliciously. It is a form of ableism, whether intentional or not and if they aren't receptive of correcting that behavior its likely problems with arise with them.

Familiarize yourself with your rights as a parent in regard to school and the rights your child has within your jurisdiction. As well as make sure to check in occasionally with your child as to how they are being treated in school and if they actually being provided any accommodations they are required to give your child. The above pops up quite a lot in schools, with quite an alarming amount of education professionals believing that due to their false perception that your child has a lack of autonomy that they can do whatever they really want to without your child telling anyone.

I'm the father of a son with Asperger's/High Functioning Autism. (He was diagnosed just before Asperger's was folded into Autism in general.) As I was reading up on Autism to see what my son was going through, I realized something weird. All these books on Autism were talking about me.

Now, once always known I was different, but I chalked this up to "stunted social growth due to excessive bullying in high school." Of course, this didn't explain why I did some things into my mid-30's.

I came to the realization that I'm Autistic. It was a tough realization to come to. My entire sense of self felt like it was destroyed. Everything I thought I knew about myself was wrong and I needed to rebuild my sense of self from scratch. Once I got over the shock, though, everything about my life made a lot more sense.

I never got a diagnosis, though, for various reasons. It would cost money when money was tight. It wouldn't have helped my son and I also had (unknowingly) developed coping mechanisms. So I'm undiagnosed, but 100% positive that I'm ND.

Obligatory "not a parent", but my parents worked their butts off to make sure I turned out okay so I think I can contribute a little. I wouldn't blame people for feeling like I was spoiled.

• I've been lucky enough to be in Massachusetts which is the home of the Aspergers / Autism Association.

• My parents took advantage of my early diagnosis to educate my teachers, at least in Elementary and early Middle School. A few teachers in particular became unofficial advocates for me, and they helped develop an IEP for me (Massachusetts has a SPED program that it actually funds).

• Practical things we did (that I can remember) outside of the IEP stuff mostly revolved around making sure I was "at my best", my personal best, rather than outright forcing me to be someone I wasn't. For instance:

• Make sure I drink enough water (Seriously dehydration + a 10 yo with autism not a good combo)

• Do a little meditation every day (it's a workout for your frontal lobe! Great for learning to manage sensory problems without being an awful ABA thing)

• Incorporate "exposure therapy" into my day in little, low-pressure ways. For instance I was a very picky eater, my mom made a deal with me that I always had to try whatever was on her plate but I could always spit it out into a paper towel or something if I couldn't deal with it.

• Literally had a period on some days in middle school (OK, this was an IEP thing but still) where the school stuck the antisocial kids in a room together to just hang out. There were three of us, the other two were almost certainly ND as well. We ended up being very good friends and I remained friends with one of them until the end of HS.

I guess my main point is that I believe I experienced a happy medium where my parents firmly made sure that I kept growing, but didn't always force me into situations I hated. They respected my boundaries as much as they could while still pushing me to have a good life. I won't claim that I was "fixed" but I went from a kid who bashed his head against concrete when he was upset and had mental breakdowns over someone breaking the rules in Monopoly to an adult who a lot of psychologists wouldn't diagnose with autism (because they're uninformed, not because I was cured). I'm still a barely functional adult, but I'd be an even less functional adult otherwise.