Do we have a gamerpals or LFG community here on Lemmy? This is a good plan and you're not the only one suggesting D&D.

I appreciate this, thank you, and it's not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I've been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it's bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.

I've never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That's on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She's been friends with most of them since they were children, I've known them for the last 20 years or so. It's complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they'd take me in, but they've notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she'll be there.

Not a stupid question! I am not a person who menstruates, however, so unlikely to be the issue for me personally. Still good info and always best to not make assumptions either way, thank you!

If I had the charisma and the sociopathy to start a cult, I wouldn't have this issue, lol.

This is clever, I also like book stores for the same reason.

Yeah, I've been on a few different things, Sertraline and Atomoxetine is the current cocktail. They always seem to help for a few months, but it never seems to take long to get back to the regular-scheduled programming. I was previously on Adderall but I think it made things worse, I was unusually angry and aggressive. My doc says I don't meet the qualifications for bipolar, as mentioned "cyclothymia" is the term she uses, basically bipolar-light, but definitely related.

For me, time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. See my comment in a thread elsewhere in this post. I really struggle with both measuring time and with my long-term memory. I am good with facts but bad with my own personal history, and have no ability to imagine or recall images in the way it seems most people can.

I like a movie (or a show or whatever) and dinner/drinks after, because then you by default have something to talk about.

That's not a bad idea, but how do you actually meet these people and offer to run a game?

I appreciate this advice, especially talking to the doc. I could probably stand to bring it up again, it's been a while. My biggest issue for sure is the guilt and frustration that comes with my unpredictable performance, but it's less an issue of disappointing others and more of an issue of self-worth. I have things I legitimately want to do with my life, and both the skill and the opportunity to do those things. I just... can't seem to do it. I rationally know why, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

It's nice, at least, that it's something we talk about nowadays.

It may help that I've never really "cold" dated. Every "first date" I've ever been on was with someone whom I was already at least decently friendly, so usually it's more like I found a movie or event or whatever that we were both interested in. It had not occurred to me that sitting in a dark theater with someone you weren't terribly familiar with could be something that needed vetting, but upon reflection I can see where that may cause problems. My naive ass just likes movies.

Oh yeah I remember very little, and what I do remember is a story I've been telling or have heard told enough that I know the story but have no real memory of the event. Whenever I'm in my home town I'm constantly getting people telling me we went to high school together and I always feel bad telling them I don't remember them. I also don't really have the ability to conjure or remember visual things, everything is sort of a nebulous mix of vague emotional memory and useless encyclopedic fact-lists. I can rattle off every phone number I've ever had, but I can't remember what my grandmother looked like. I've been told most people do not have this issue, lol.

Yeah I've gained some weight in the last couple years. I hurt my back pretty bad a while back, and that combined with a bunch of new meds since then have not done my figure any favors. I don't drink, though, haven't for years. I definitely don't crave sweets or foods in general, but I'm not nearly as active as I probably should be, given the back and the computer job and the 105 degree summer heat lately. I'm not thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I did just do a 4 day hike through the eastern Sierras so it's not like I do nothing.

I agree with you that the meds don't seem to help much. That said, I do trust my doc, and she has preached a slow and steady approach with good documentation, so I'll keep taking the meds for now.

if I don’t see a friend for a few months they’ll often just fall off my radar entirely…

I've lost a lot of friends, and messed up at least one serious relationship, because of this phenomenon. If someone isn't around, I just don't think about them. When they are around, I'm fully invested, but that's not enough for some people.