Transition anxiety
So I’m seemingly stuck wanting to medically transition, but perpetually fearful of doing so. I have the misfortune of living in Texas, as I have for most of my life, with no feasible way to leave any time soon, as well as having mostly unsupportive family - my parents especially…
As it currently stands, I can pass as cis with little to no effort. I fucking hate doing so, but I fear for my safety and treatment otherwise. This is the same reason - aside from money - that I have yet to pursue any HRT. I’m simply terrified of losing my ability to “blend in” and being targeted.
Has anyone else dealt with this, and if so, how have you managed/overcome it?
I can't really talk to the realities of transitioning in Texas, but I can say that HRT won't be changing anything right away. It's a slow process, and whilst you will eventually end up at a point you likely can't hide, that is months to years down the track, with lots of time to adjust your course.
You've got to do what is best for you, and first and foremost, that is your survival. But that doesn't mean transition (medical or othwerwise) has to be all or nothing.
You make a good point.. I guess I hadn’t really thought of that. Though I really haven’t figured out when or where I’m gonna go.. Honestly afraid nowhere in the US will be safe in a few years, with the way things have been going..
Speaking as someone who did the earlier half of their transition in Texas - I would recommend starting the process wholeheartedly if you can. You can hide many of the effects of transition well at least for the first 3-6 months in most cases (with the exception probably being voice changes if you are transmasc). I successfully hid taking estrogen from my unsupportive parents for 3 months, and could've gone longer if I hadn't come out to them intentionally.
If you have one local to you, Planned Parenthood is a good place to start as far as hormone providers go. My experiences weren't the best (mostly due to dosing issues), but many people swear by them. You might need to self-advocate for certain things, such as dosage increases or starting progesterone if you are transfemme and want to take that in the future. The positive mental effects of being on HRT cannot be understated.
Good luck!