Watching cool transfems and cis-fems online or in shows makes me sad now so I'll stop

Smorty [she/her]@lemmy.blahaj.zone to Transfem@lemmy.blahaj.zone – 53 points –

[Requesting Engagement from transfems]

(Blahaj lemmy told me to put this up top, so I did)

I did not expect this to happen. I followed FairyPrincessLucy for a long time, cuz she's real nice and seems cool.

Time passes and I noticed how I would feel very bad when watching her do stuff. I was like

damn, she so generally okay with her situation. Wish I was too lol

So I stopped watching her.

Just now I discovered another channel, Melody Nosurname , and I really, really like her videos! She seems very reasonable and her little character is super cute <3
But here too I noticed how watching the vids made me super uncomfortable.
The representation is nice, for sure, and her videos are of very high quality, I can only recommend them (as in - the videos).

I started by noticing

woah, her tshirt is super cute, I wanna have that too!

Then I continue with

heyo her friend here seems also super cool. Damn wish I had cool friends

And then eventually the classic

damn, I wish I were her

At that point, it's already over. I end up watching another video and, despite my genuine interest in the topic, I stop it in the middle, close the tab and open Lemmy (and here we are).

Finally I end up watching videos by cis men, like Scott the Woz. They are fine, and I end up not comparing myself to them (since I wouldn't necessarily want to be them). I also stopped watching feminine people in general online, as they tend to give me a very similar reaction. Just like

yeah, that's cool that you're mostly fine with yourself, I am genuinely happy for you that you got lucky during random character creation <3

I also watched The Owl House, which is a really good show (unfortunately owned by Disney) and I stopped watching when...

::: spoiler Spoiler for the Owl House it started getting gay <3 cuz I started feeling way too jealous of them just being fine with themselves and pretty and gay <3 and such ::: I wanted to see where the show was going, and I'm sure it's real good, but that is not worth risking my wellbeing, I thought.

So anyway...

have you had a period like that before?
How did you deal with it?
Do you watch transfem people? Please share your favs! <3
I also like watching SimplySnaps. Her videos are also really high quality, I just end up not being able to watch them for too long before sad hits :(

::: spoiler additional info about me, if anyone cares I currently don't take hrt, but I'm on my way. I'm attending psychological therapy with a really nice tharapist here in Germany.
I struggle to find good words to describe how I feel but slowly I find better words for it.
I'm currently 19 and present myself mostly masculine still, while trying to act very nice, generally acceptable and friendly. So kinda in a way which makes both super sweet queer people <3 <3 <3 <3 and hetero cis queerphobes accept me as just another character. (I work at a school with very mixed ideologies, so I kinda have to).
But oh boi do I have social anxiety, even at home with mother... :::

EDIT: Changed info about SimplySnaps
EDIT2: Added The Owl House example

18

I think ContraPoints has a video on this. From what I remember, we struggle to handle our feelings of Envy. We're socialized to see it as a bad thing, a moral failing, so we refuse to even label it as such.

In truth, envy is a natural human emotion that we should make space for so we can process it. It's not good to give in to your envy, but it's also not good to deny that it's a part of you.

Actually, I should have used the word "envy", you are totally right. Just looked up what it means, and yeah, that describes it way better (Not a native speaker).

I am aware that my feelings are largely envious, I just didn't know there was a difference between the words.

Thank you for commenting! <3

Oh hello, are you me?

I've been watching Elena Darlingg recently, and got a bad case of "wow, she's amazing. I'm never going to be as much of a woman as her. I'm not really trans anyway..." etc etc.

Mostly I just recognize this as an unhelpful thought pattern and go do something else for a while (and cuddle Blåhaj). Objectively, I know that these are thoughts that cis women have; it's just imposter syndrome; I should be comparing progress against my past self and so on, but that really doesn't help much when I'm feeling jealous.

Sometimes I do get euphoria though, and while I can't call it up on demand, I do try to remember those times and that I'm doing this to feel good!

Starting HRT made a big difference: I'm in the pipeline now and just sitting around is still working towards my goal. I hope your therapist will get you sorted soon.

<3

Do you mean in the pipeline as in taking it now, or more like I am now on the waitlist?

Taking it now! Feminize while you sleep <3

(Sorry to confuse you: "in the pipeline" does usually mean "coming soon")

woah that sounds so soothing. Knowing that less of that awful manly gunk, but instead pretty pink water is flowing you while u sleep!! <3 (>v<) Damn that sounds really nice.

I've had a lot of these experiences, and it's been pretty hard, I've even had the exact same experience with The Owl House actually.

Honestly I've been dealing with it by working on myself, I'm slowly becoming someone I like to be and feeling more confident, largely through diy fashion, but also just by getting involved in stuff I'm passionate about. Over time the envy has begun to fade because I'm feeling more and more like I have my own identity and I like who I am now.

I have no idea if it's even remotely the same for you, but once I stopped feeling generic, things got a lot better. These days I look in the mirror and I see the punk I am, instead of a struggling mess with no direction, and that makes me feel secure about myself. It's still really crazy to me that I feel more real than ever because of a pair of pants made of dental floss and dirt.

I used to have the same issue as well with being envious of how cute other people are and being socially anxious. I'm only 2 years old than you, and I've mostly gotten over it and I'm sure you will as well with time.

I think what helps a lot here is working on your self confidence and self love. Chances are, you're also really cute and awesome just like those people you mentioned above.

Hm you might have a good point with the self-acceptance. Currently I cover my mirrors and try to be as generally acceptable of a character as I can possibly be to try please most people.

That guy I puppetier around is last on that "most people" list though.

Yeah, I used to puppeteer a guy around so more people would like me as well, but I eventually accepted that some people are not going to like me no matter what. It's really important to be kind to yourself. Be who you want to be, not who others expect you to be ♥️

I'm from a slightly older generation so no, but rest assured, I went through my own similar periods before I started my transition over a decade ago :) I was close to your age actually.

There is a future, and ten years from now you'll look back and smile :)

I guess it is a really common feeling cis people lives with. Just an additional proof you relate to women.

yeah i totally get this, its something that i deal with quite often, although its not as bad i guess, it can be worse in other ways though. i often get envy from watching other girls, and i get all these feelings of "oh i want to be them", "i wish i were more like them", or whatever. sometimes i need to take a break from whatever im watching because i get too distracted by my thoughts and i realize that im not actually watching whatever it is. normally if i change my mindset i can avoid such thoughts, but sometimes i just cant and i just need to avoid things that make me feel bad all together.

however sometimes i feel the opposite, i feel rather inspired to be more like them, and i feel like, wow, if they can do that then so can i, whats stopping me? i rarely do much about it though, i really need to take more action instead of wallowing in my thoughts.

one example of how it can get pretty bad is that i sometimes find myself feeling that way about people in my life, and ill push myself away from them because i just cant handle the thoughts that i have sometimes, i dont really have these thoughts around cis men, in fact i often have the opposite feeling, i feel more fem and such around them, its weird, i dont exactly feel like i fit in in either group, im just in a limbo. i dont always feel this way of course, and having friends that i can relate to and have similar experiences has really helped me overall.

oooh that part about distancing oneself from fem people I really understand.
Some months ago I told one of my best fem friends that I felt really uncomfortable in her presence, and that I felt jealous and envious. She didn't really get what I way saying, but yeah oof, totally understand you

I'm a cis guy, so feel free to ignore everything I said. Though I do want to comment because I have experienced something similar (except not in regards to gender.)

My strategy to cope with it is to take a break from whatever I was watching the instant I start experiencing this and just allow myself to feel sad for some time. I don't think ignoring these emotions helps, so I'll bury myself under a mountain of plushies until the negative feelings pass. Once I feel better I usually don't have any issues with continuing the video/movie/series and actually start enjoying it again. After all, I actually want to watch them. Also, after feeling like I'm capable of rational thought again it helps to question myself why I felt upset and to think of "counterarguments" that contradict the negative thoughts.

Your mileage may vary but it can't hurt (except momentarily) to give it a try.

To me it is opposite. Morre successfull the transfem youtube rthat I am watching bwtter it makes me feel because I think "If she could do it, than I can too!" Of course it isn't like there is no envy at all because there is. but a more hopeful outlook makes me feel better

I think this is about where I am too - the envy transmutes to hope and a kind of reclamation of being trans. I think I need positive trans examples that don't make me cringe but instead fill me with awe or inspiration. The value of representation, I guess.