I am shit at planning, but I hate being unprepared all the same
So naturally, even though I still need more time to figure it all out, and I'm by far not sure enough that I actually want it, my mind started drifting towards hrt.
The implications it might have, what that would mean for my body and so on. I came to the annoyingly unsatisfying conclusion that I'm uncomfortable with what might happen, uh... down there.
To clear my mind, I searxed for tshirt + skirt outfits, and realized the shirt I was wearing is large enough to be tied up. So I did that and there I am, wearing a cropped-looking tshirt and being annoyed that 80% of my bodyfat sits on my belly.
I shrugged, with that look of a parent who knows damn well what their kid is trying to do won't work, and stood in front of the mirror.
Critically examining my tshirt, I came to the obvious conclusion that there's enough loose fabric to house more. So I gently pulled said fabric away from my chest, and for a split second, it looked like I had boobs.
It took me a few seconds to realize that I had the biggest smile on my face.
But, do I want actual, home-grown boobs with everything that comes with it? Or do I just want to look like I have boobs?
Maybe we'll find out on the next episode of Nathalie explores her body
Wait no, that sounds wrong
What is the "everything that comes with it?" part that makes you pause?
What would happen to the pillar and the stones, to quote Daenerys because I'm rewatching GoT for no reason
How do they relate though? Are you worried about the "performance impact" of HRT?
I have definitely given that some worry.
I think so, yeah
I haven't started HRT but the few accounts I've read from those who have it seems like a ymmv kind of thing. Regardless of how the 'performance impact' hits you personally everything I've read (admittedly not a lot) indicates that it doesn't become completely unusable but will (might?) require more work than before.
I need to do more research on it, I think. I'm only ever truly comfortable with a certain thing if I know absolutely everything there is to know about said thing.
Having the outcome of something be unclear and variable stresses me out, I'm not gonna lie. Doesn't matter what it is.
That being said, imagining all the other effects of hrt make me love what I see in my imaginary mirror
Can confirm that. Morning wood goes away, so atrophy can be an issue if you never engage those muscles. Otherwise functions well enough, apart from sperm production obv
Geez I feel this. I definitely have some research to do to have a better idea of how I feel about it.
On the surface level, yeah homegrown boobs sounds awesome! Less body hair sounds awesome! Being able to feel more sounds awesome!
On the other hand, I don't know how much less body hair, I can't afford full body hair removal, I don't want hairy boobs 🤢 I have a family that I don't want to alienate by going to fast.
That last part is always a worry, isn't it. What if this, what if that. What will they think, and so on.
I'll start slow, while I'm still reflecting on it anyway.
I'll let my hair grow, and in the meantime maybe shave my beard completely every now and then, instead of just trimming it like I always did. Start shaping my eyebrows. All those subtle things in more increasing fashion over time.
I think we've had this conversation a few times 🤣 you are me! I'm doing all those things, well I haven't shaved yet but trying to work up to it. Also nails! It's small and can be a lot quicker than hair and stuff. Just subtle shaping or clear polishing. Mine are getting to the point of being too long and shaped so I'm about to have to cut them 😩 I can't handle questions right now from people I wasn't prepared to talk to.
Nails are the one thing I don't actually want to grow, I'm suuuper uncomfortable when they reach a certain lenght. I'm so... aware of them. I hate that.
Some clear polish every once in a while could be nice though. Those small touches here and there.
Shaving though... I genuinely don't know if I'd even do it right, I've never done a proper clean shave, not once. Getting a new razor would be a start, the blades on mine are more blunt than a five inch rounded tabletop.
If you're razor shopping I highly recommend a safety razor, cheap af, way better shave than any of the multilayer disposables I've used. I forget the brand exactly, but very similar to this one. They also are super easy to unclog since you can just loosen the blade and rinse it easier
Here's a how-to guide for safety razors.
I can get the sensory thing with nails. I did have to adjust but it was better when I filed the corners off and when they got long enough I was trying an oval or almond shape and really started enjoying it. The pinkies at least really started looking feminine and with the shiney it felt nice, but my masc face definitely was going to cause attention or questions so had to trim. Got some awesome shimmery purple toes though 😸 those are great because I can see it at home and super easy to hide with shoes.
I just went ahead and asked my dad if we had a safety razor lying aroung by any chance.
He's like: „Yeah, I think that thing still exists“
My mum's like: „Those are dangerous, you'll just cut yourself“
About what I expected, knowing my parents :D
I love them dearly^^
Nice! That helps a lot, you can get a lot of the blades for less than $10
I'm gonna make it a whole sport, seeing how many things I can just blatantly do or ask about before anyone connects the dots :D
So far I had success with:
Looking back, the people around me are either so open and rainbow-friendly they don't give it a second thought, or they are just painfully oblivious
I wouldn't be me if I don't have my fun with this :D
I'm doing or planning to do several of those 🤣 I work out and already have decently meaty lower half, I just need to get something to show them off and remove hair. Strongly considering it later in the fall. Just do the voice! Don't even talk about it just practice and bust it out 😂
I'm the kind of person to do random voices and impressions anyway, so that would be 100% on-brand
But in other news, my lips suddenly appear so much redder without the beard. And my eyes are now more like... ✨eyes✨
There is definitely someone feminine hiding behind all that stubble. But my god, is shaving annoying.
Nice! I wonder if I'll see the same? Yeah,welcome to the last 20 years of my life 😂
Six hours later and the stubble is back. Whyyyyy
Hair removal is expensive, but surely not as expensive as a lifetime supply of shaving cream and concealer
So anyway, I learned a lot about bras today. Gotta measure my chest some time, now that I understand how bra sizes work :D
I completely forgot that those razors were a thing. I might get me one of those, yeah.
How many of these things can I sneak in as christmas wishes before anyone asks questions, I wonder. Now that could be fun :D
That's some forward thinking 🤣
I've been more thinking about what can I get away with under the guise of spooky season 😅
I need to find some events to go to, and relatively easy or cheap costume ideas. Whether female or gender-bent character, could be a good time to push boundaries 🤷♀️
I'd love to go all out on halloween. But I don't know how and where and with whom.
I'd need help with that, and the only person in my friend group who I'd trust with my makeup takes so long responding to messages, if I ask her now, halloween will be over by the time I get a reply
Slightly annoying, but I love her anyway, she's great
Yeah same 😅
I CAN DREAM THO!
It's a nice dream, isn't it
It's a good idea to do some introspection at times like this, and remember, you're allowed to change your mind.
What about transitioning appeals to you? Is it being more comfortable about your body? Is it being perceived as the gender you identify as? What kinds of interventions do you need to achieve these goals?
What about transitioning are you worried about? Do you have supportive people in your life? Will you be safe if you transition? The idea isn't to scare you, but to prepare you for some of the more difficult aspects of the process.
I would recommend talking to a therapist if you have access to someone with LGBTQ+ experience in your area. I know that's not always something people can do, but it can really help you figure out what you need so you can plan your journey accordingly.
I hope this isn't patronizing. I am happy to chat if you have any questions about the process. I'm essentially done transitioning (although I reserve the right to change my mind in the future!) and fairly knowledgeable about HRT and procedures. I hope whatever you decide you get to live a happy and healthy life 😊