Bouts of serious self doubt and guilt?

oNevia@lemm.ee to Transfem@lemmy.blahaj.zone – 37 points –

So I'm very new to self acceptance on being a woman. Only a week in a half in, but have been contemplating if I were trans for a few months.

My partner is supportive and wonderful but I also know how big of a change this is for her as well. I don't want to move faster than she is comfortable, but also am struggling a lot more with dysphoria since I realized who I am.

I have good days where I explore my femininity and feel a confidence in myself that I've never felt before. It's especially helpful when my wife is right there by my side. Today for example she did my makeup for me. We trimmed my eyebrows, put on foundation and mascara as well as a tinting lip balm. I couldn't stop smiling about how pretty I felt.

Other days I feel more like my old self. Stuck in my shell and shutting down. I didn't realize how dark and depressing my life felt before my acceptance. I feel almost suicidal in those moments because that was generally how I was starting to feel. Just a mountain of shame and guilt over the drastic changes I'm forcing my wife and child to deal with.

I guess I'm wondering how normal it is to feel a shift in my mental image of myself like this? Either I feel like a woman, or something makes me feel like a man and my mood plummets.

Guess I'm just looking for some extra reassurance from others like me. I've only told my therapist and wife and when I'm drowning in guilt, all I want is a hug and reassurance that things will be ok. That I will be ok.

I don't know. This is all so scary sometimes and gives me a pit in my stomach. Do I even have the courage to come out to the world? To risk my life and what I've built with my loved ones to explore this?

24

Thank you for sharing your current struggles! I feel what you describe by a lot. I actively pushed back against my inner coming out for 2-3 years cause I was so afraid. And now somedays I’m really ok and other days, especially when there are social situations where I’m forced into my old shell, I feel horrible and like nothing will ever get better for me.

So, yeah I think that’s totally normal, also your fears of coming out are super understandable. I’m also afraid of a big coming out, so instead I go slow tiny steps. Wear slight makeup or very casual nail polish when I meet people who I slowly want to unlearn that I’m not the cis person they think I am (and I worked so hard to pretend to myself and everyone else I was).

Also concerning drastic changes, of course this feels like a lot, but we have always been who we are, so maybe these changes are just something to work through at whatever pace is possible right now.

To give you my timeline, I figured out I’m not cis in 2018. I actively ignored that cause it felt threatening to my live’s situs until 2021. I panicked so hard cause I did not understand gender as a spectrum and was also very convinced that medical changes are a must have. Mid 2022 I realised I’m nonbinary and somewhat genderfluid and since then I’m working on accepting myself. And only recently I felt maybe it’s not that big of a deal, cause I’m just me and it’s all gonna be ok.

I think you are on a great path to exploring yourself and I wish you all the best for it!! 💜

Feel free to ask me more questions and sorry for the wall of text.

Thank you for normalizing these feelings for me ❤️ I'm also struggling with the concept of gender being a spectrum. Although I feel more feminine than masculine, there are aspects of myself I don't necessarily want to lose. I don't know. I don't even know how far I want to transition. I think I'd be willing to do HRT, but I'm also worried about my intimacy with my wife. I hear it can change libido as well as the functionality of my penis.

I don't know. I hate feeling like I know exactly who I want to be now, but at the same time no idea how far I'm comfortable with going? Not to mention the stress it puts on my marriage and family.

Been having another really rough day today and I don't have support from anyone other than my wife who is currently too overwhelmed to be able to talk about this stuff. Which I understand.

I'm rambling. Sorry, I know you were being nice about reaching out - but I could really use a friend who has been going through this too 😕

Hey hey! Sorry for getting back to you only after so long. And also sorry for the way too long text I wrote now. 😓 (I don’t feel bad, cause I learned that’s not so healthy, but I still wanted to say I’m sorry)

My partner was shocked but is also my biggest ally and we have slowly worked through this. Me finally coming out was quite overwhelming for both of us and made for some artificial rift. In hindsight, I think going with a coming out would have also been possible. Just slowly starting my transition in style and behaviour. Why I think this felt like an artificial rift is, because I have always been me. And my partner always new that side of me. That I can now own this and put away the masking is not that big of a change after all.

On bodily transitioning, I feel very similar. I’m anxious of my health and libido.

What I have noticed though is, that while accepting myself as is, I grew a lot better at self care. Before my inner coming out I was always masking a look and behaviour like an armour. After my inner coming out dysphoria was often overwhelming and I gave up hope for myself and didn’t take more that absolutely necessary to be ok looking for work.

It took me 5 years to figure out I can be trans and choose only the transition steps that fit me. Though I strongly felt the need to fit in as what was my understanding of being trans for the longest time.

Now I am surely still not always super happy with my body, but accepting I’m trans helped me a great deal to take good care of myself. And now my slightly more carefully picked look, cuter (but very casual) outfits, and wearing nail polish , give my euphoria from time to time.

I don’t wanna bother you too much, cause whatever transition steps you do, will be your journey. I personally just felt very hollow on many parts of this journey cause I attacked myself for not being “trans enough” which mostly annoys me in hindsight. And now on days or weeks we’re I just can’t really be me (yet) I still know who I am and don’t feel disappointed by myself. 😊

I can highly recommend looking (via queermed) for queer group therapy or similar. This helped me a great deal. 💜

You can happily add me on blahaj.zone Calckey if you feel like staying in touch. 😊

No need to apologize ^^ I'm slow at responding too (and also over apologizing so I get it ❤️)

I think I am experiencing that same artificial rift you're talking about. My wife has been the only one to see my true self (while we were teenagers I was a lot more explorative in my gender and then shut it down for a decade) and she told me how those were the parts of my self she loved the most. Now that I can embrace that part of myself again, we've gotten closer than ever!

It's still difficult for both of us for sure, but we talk and stay honest and are trying to take it a step at a time.

I really relate to the self care aspect. I completely let all of that go while trying to force myself into the "man" box I thought I was supposed to be in. Barely showered, only bought clothes for practical reasons, let my hair get shaggy, generally just didn't take any care of myself. Almost like I was punishing myself? Got to the point I was actively hurting myself through addiction and pushing my wife away.

Feel like I did a full 180 and now I love taking care of myself. I love shaving and moisturizing and finding clothes that are cute vs just practical. It's done wonders for my self esteem because now I know why I hated myself so much. I wasn't being my true self ❤️

Definitely going to look into support groups and things along those lines. I really lucked out with my current therapist who is gender affirming and I've been working with her for a couple years now. Funny side note, when I was looking for a therapist a couple years ago for general depression and anxiety help, I picked my current therapist because she specifically said in her profile she was an ally for lgbtq. Not that I knew at the time I was trans, but some part of me knew she was who I needed to work with ❤️

I'd love to stay in touch! But the fediverse is still kinda new to me so not sure what calckey or blahaj is 😅

Thank you for helping me so much and supporting a new chick like me 🐣

It’s interesting how stories can be so similar. My partner and I are also together over a decade in which I gradually shut down exploring my gender and forced myself into the man role, down to a point where I had to really turn things around to heal. I think it’s quite motivating to have this outlook for a life worth living for. Lately I feel so settled in with my gender identity, that I am actually not depressed when I wake up anymore. Also, I’m less and less anxious about coming out step by step which feels very healthy. 💜

I have a song in my playlist since 10+ years, which is about being true to yourself. It didn’t come up on random for long. And I cried happy tears when I heard it again recently. Cause I finally understand what being true to myself means. 😌

This is what I’m talking about

https://blahaj.zone/@lexihexi

there is lemmy as a better Reddit but also a whole mix of other servers that offer a better Twitter in the fediverse.

Being here helped me greatly with finding myself. Feel free to follow me, if you create an account. 🥰

Your experiences are really resonating with me, I feel like I'm at a very similar place I'm my journey. It helps me a lot hearing you are feeling so many of the same things and share so many of my concerns.

My wife is very supportive, but also was completely surprised and overwhelmed by it all. Hopefully it gets easier to find outside support, but it's so hard to feel comfortable reaching out.

Sometimes I feel so alone though, and it sounds like you do too. We should talk, it would probably be good for us both.

What you're describing is very common. We build barriers to self acceptance, but even when we finally break through them, they don't just disappear. They linger and hinder us for a while. Deconstructing those barriers is a project that takes time, self reflection, learning about yourself and self acceptance.

And what makes it worse is that once we chip a hole in them and see the other side, and realise that we can really genuinely be there, the fact that we're not there becomes harder to take, because those barriers were part of our self defence. They weren't healthy, but they existed to help mitigate the pain of the closet, and once they break, the pain of the closest is harder to bear.

You'll get there though, and it's worth it. Once you're on the other side, looking back at where you came from, you'll shake your head in wonder that you managed as long as you did like that

This really spoke to me. It makes a lot of sense and helps me better understand these emotions and defenses. Thank you so much :)

I've definitely been seeing just how depressed I was. I generally didn't think there was a way out and wasnt afraid to die. Didn't care if I died. But now I see what's on the other side and realize I can actually be happy but in order to do that I have to change. And change is really hard for me to be comfortable with

Yeah it's normal. It's all normal.

Will you be okay? No guarantee, nothing is. Everyone reacts differently. The only transphobia I've ever witnessed has come from people I knew before and came out to. You will have to be prepared to correct some people.

Courage? Take small steps. Meet with other people going through what you are. You'll become more and more comfortable.

You're not dying, if anything you're starting to live. You'll be okay.

Thank you for helping me get back to reality. I get so overwhelmed and get ahead of myself when I need to slow down and take things slowly. ❤️

I'm also very early in my self acceptance journey, and I can definitely relate to what you're describing. Something I noticed this morning in the shower: Recently I've had a massive uptick in intrusive thoughts about death, but I've also felt the most confident and put-together I've felt in years. The other side, and the journey to get there, seems scary right now, but I think we're going to get there just fine <3

I'm here for you as you have been for me! We can get through this together ❤️

I'm having a lot of those thoughts too. Both feelings of confidence and love for myself and more depressive thoughts like I'm just too tired to do this? Now I know why I have had chronic depression and anxiety - but also 29 years of that really takes the wind out of your sails sometimes.

It is hard right now, but you're right we absolutely will get through this, and when we're on the other side we'll be happier for it. I guess the catipiller isn't very comfortable in his cocoon either, but she stil emerges as a beautiful butterfly ❤️

I'm a bit late to this thread, but thought I'd chime in anyway in case you want to hear from someone else with some similar feelings. I'm also quite new to this - after years of wondering without believing, my egg finally broke about a month ago, and ever since then I've gone back and forth between conflicting moods. Sometimes I'm confident that this is an obvious truth that I should have seen at least ten years ago, and sometimes I end up feeling numb to it all and wondering if it was all some kind of dream or delusion.

For what it's worth, I've definitely found that the doubt is evaporating over time, and especially as I take proactive, gender-affirming actions and really allow myself to feel whatever I end up feeling as a result. It just doesn't make sense for the good things to feel this good or the bad things to feel this bad if it were from any other reason. It sounds like you're taking the same route, so I hope we'll both get to where we need to be sooner rather than later. ❤️

This last detail is a bit more personal, so I don't know how helpful it would be, but since poking a hole in my internal wall, I've also found music to be effective at cutting through my remaining psychological barriers and striking at my emotional core. Basically, if I hear song lyrics that relate in any way to my situation (even if it requires a twist of perspective), I turn into a blubbering mess. There's one song in particular that always seems to set me off, so I've occasionally gone out of my way to listen to it when I'm in a doubtful mood. It's hard to deny your feelings when you're bursting into tears. Maybe you've encountered something similar that you could use in the same way.

Hmm, looks like I've rambled for a bit longer than intended. Sorry if this essay was excessive! 😅

Thank you for your reply! And I have been feeling exactly this! Days where I'm confident in this decision and ready to do all the girly stuff and days where I'm like "maybe I'm lying?"

But as time moves on and I become more comfortable with the idea, the better I have been feeling. I used to HATE taking care of my self in any sort of way. Now I'm loving getting a smooth shave all over my body, lotioning up and feeling silky smooth. Took me some time to get used to not having a beard, but I feel generally better about my appearance.

Even started wearing my tighter fitting clothing again because all of a sudden I wasn't getting hit with dysphoria attacks. (At the time I thought I was just overly sensitive to how clothing fit, lol)

Anyways. As I embrace my femininity, I feel more confident and lovable if that makes sense? I like feeling cute. I like feeling like this.

Music has always been a huge help for me when it comes to my mental health. I'm always humming or listening to something. Especially if I'm trying to get through a specifically anxious moment. I'd love to know what music has been helping you ❤️

For me, I love listening to Manchester Orchestra, specifically their Black Mile to the Surface album. It speaks to me because it's about becoming a parent for the first time (I have a 15mo) but some of the lyrics speak to the woman inside. Even if it feels like I'm forcing it a bit lol. Literally one song goes "throw the man you used to be away" and I'm like "uh yes hun I will!"

❤️🐣

LOL, all of this is so spot on for how I've been progressing as well (except for the part about being a parent). I haven't shaved everywhere, because I still don't want anyone to notice and ask questions, but shaving my legs has been such a game changer. And I also couldn't resist reaching for the lotion, even though that's not something I've ever used before except when absolutely necessary. 😂 It's only a matter of time until I mow the rest of the lawn that is my body, and I can't wait.

I've been seriously delving into the world of women's clothing as well, and the more I wear it the less I want to wear anything else (everything is so soft and stretchy! 😍) - this has also been a great source of dispelling doubt. Your point about feeling cute really hit home. This still feels a bit like cosplay or something, but I don't care - I love how it makes me feel. ❤️

The particular song that I mentioned earlier is Röyksopp & Robyn's "Every Little Thing". It came up randomly on my mp3 player just a few days in. My brain interpreted the singer as my repressed/future self addressing my conscious self and it just obliterated me. I had a similar effect from Pink Floyd's "Poles Apart", the chorus from Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror", and Darren Korb's "Build that Wall" from the Bastion soundtrack. Aaaand I'm going to have to stop thinking of more tracks now because it's getting too hard to see what I'm typing through the tears. 🥲 I'm definitely going to give that album of yours a listen, though.

Definitely going to check out your music as well!

Yeah, I think I used to feel like any type of self care was "too girly" and I think on a subconscious level I was worried it would crack my egg. So I'd let my skin start bleeding from being so dry before reluctantly using lotion. I think I was so disconnected from the man in the mirror 😉 that I didn't have any regard for his well being. Just felt like I was walking around in a meat suit that didn't belong to me.

I am really interested in looking at women's clothing but have no idea where to start. My entire wardrobe has been all practicality and utility. Because anything else felt too constricting or wrong. Didn't know why that was a thing until I cracked lol.

I hear you on the lack of self-care. I think in my case, it was less about it seeming girly, and more a combination of always being tired and not being the slightest bit invested in my appearance. My meat suit definitely needs a lot of maintenance now to make up for it, lol.

About the clothing - I'm starting from the same place, and it's definitely overwhelming, but I got some great advice from a trans friend of mine. They basically told me to put my concern for the environment to the side for a minute and use fast fashion as a way to explore what's out there and what you like. The site they suggested was Shein - there might be others, I have no idea, but that's the one I've used to great effect. The clothes are absurdly cheap and there's a ton of interesting stuff to choose from. They'll probably fall apart before long, but not before you've had a chance to learn something from them to inform a better long-term purchase. The main challenge is finding stuff that will actually fit, but I've been pleasantly surprised by the stretchiness of the fabrics (and you might not have the same issues, depending on your frame). Since it's online, you don't need to deal with venturing into the world to search for/try on stuff either, which suits me well.

I actually turned it into a bit of an exercise in the beginning, since I was still (and still am) emerging from my repression and didn't know what or how to feel about things. I split my shopping up into two sessions on separate days. On the first day, I just let myself browse and deliberately avoided thinking about practicality or feasibility, or what might be considered "appropriate". Instead I just allowed myself to be driven by pure whimsy and curiosity; responding to whatever looked particularly interesting, or cute, or whatever. Anything that stood out in any way whatsoever would be left open in a tab. Then the next day was spent taking measurements and sifting through those tabs to pull out the ones that I might actually be able to squeeze into, with the goal of having one or two garments from each of an assortment of major categories. That way, you maximize your potential for experimentation - to see what you will or will not end up responding to when you wear it - and your chances that stuff will actually fit.

I may have been overthinking things, because I ended up loving pretty much everything instantly. 😅 But I'm glad I did that first session separately, because the sizing phase was brutal... 😭 If I'd tried to do all that from the start, it would likely have frightened me off for another round of procrastination. Even though I couldn't wear everything I liked, though, the browsing phase was still very valuable, if only to allow myself to feel things about clothes. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I ever had fun looking for (non-costume) clothing.

Anyway, after that first batch, the pursuit of clothing became purely organic and intrinsically motivated - having some idea of what I liked and what would fit naturally turned into curiosity about new, different items, or into wanting more variety or better quality for others, so I've been spiraling outwards from there and having fun doing it. It can be pricey if you go overboard, of course, but sales help. And I justify it as being for medicinal purposes. 😁 At this point, I'm only wearing my old clothes when I need to turn on my webcam or leave my apartment.

Well, looks like I ended up rambling for far too long again. Hopefully some of that was helpful or encouraging. ❤️

EDIT: oh yeah, forgot to mention - I listened to that whole album. I liked it! Very pleasant melodies and vocals. I'm terrible at parsing lyrics on the first try, though, so it didn't end up causing any affirmation. 😅 I think those other songs hit me hard because I've been listening to them for years and already knew the words; they had just never hit home with that perspective before.

EDIT2: oh yeah, another pointer that might be helpful. Try not to worry about how you'll look in the clothes. I definitely look absurd. The important thing is how you'll end up feeling while wearing them. Although, I grant you, this might be a tougher balance to strike when there are others in your home to observe you and potentially make you self-conscious by their very existence.

Wow! Thank you so much for explaining your journey with clothes. This was exactly what I needed. It was so overwhelming but now I have a great idea where to start ❤️ definitely going to follow your advice and give it a go. I've tried doing some general searching of products and things on Amazon for a starting point, but even that was overwhelming. My ADHD doesn't help with that though 😅

Glad you enjoyed the album! Probably not going to find too much that is affirming in our journey, but I found it's helped with the idea of being a parent for the first time. For me, becoming a parent helped kick everything into high gear on my self acceptance journey because I could be my truest self with my son. He loves me for me. Loves that I'm nurturing and affectionate. He loves im more motherly than fatherly and that really put things into perspective for me. I realized I saw myself as not only the parent I always wanted to have, but the MOTHER I always wanted to have. Hopefully that makes sense.

I'll definitely try not to think too much about how I look in clothes but more how they make me feel. My wife let me try on a shirt of hers and I felt prettier - but after looking in the mirror I got kinda self conscious about it all? Definitely felt kinda ridiculous but also affirming. This whole journey feels strange sometimes. A lot of conflicting emotions. Feels like I now have a man and woman living inside of me. The man is trying to be protective and shut it all down, but the woman is finally being recognized for who she is ya know?

Is there anything else you have started to experiment with that has been affirming for you?

I've always had bushy eyebrows so I shaped them up and thinned them out and now I feel like my eyes are a better window into who I truly am 🥰

I'm also looking into some lingerie for men. Just some underwear that is more affirming and getting excited about that journey :) something easy to hide and almost a way to secretly be my girly self without anyone needing to know ❤️

I'm so glad that was helpful for you! ❤️ I was kind of afraid I was writing too much for your interest level. 😅

I can't relate first-hand to the parenting stuff, but that sounds absolutely precious. ☺️ I definitely recognize your reaction to your wife's shirt, though - that's how a lot of this has been. Incredibly self-consciousness-inducing, but also strangely and inexplicably joyful, and sometimes intense and overwhelming. As long as I stay away from mirrors, I can actually kind of sort of think of myself as cute now. By the way, after a long and cerebral day of work and chores, I was slipping into one of those numb and sort of doubtful moods, but then your comment comparing the man and the woman made me start tearing up, so there must have been something familiar in it. 🥲 I actually had to take a break from reading and grab a tissue. 😂

Yeah, I've done a couple of things, and so far everything has had some kind of effect - mostly positive ones that I assume are affirmation, but also some...less spectacular ones. By far, the single most impactful thing so far was shaving my legs, but you already know about that. Thigh high socks were an experience, as was the wig. The most common reaction for me (which is what happened with those and most of the clothes) has been feeling a kind of nervous excitement and an irrepressible goofy grin. The legs went a bit beyond that, instilling a sense of utter fascination. For days, I couldn't help just idly stroking my skin and staring at it, like Gollum and the ring or something. 😅 It has also led to furtive attempts at a skin care routine, but we talked a bit about that already (incidentally, I'm totally lost in that area, so tips and product recommendations are welcome).

Some of the things I've done were more of a mixed bag. I shaved my beard, but I think that just ended up emphasizing my masculine features, so it didn't feel good. On the other hand, it made me look less absurd with the wig on, which, combined with fully femme clothing led to my first vague glimpse of what I might be capable of becoming. That was an emotional moment. When I finally got hold of a bra that sort of fits, I filled it up with bags of rice...I'm still not sure what the reaction to that was, but it was seriously impactful. The weight felt comforting and even familiar somehow, and it made the clothes look less out of place, which was fun. But when I accidentally glimpsed my face in the mirror, it set off over half an hour of uncontrollable sobbing. So, uh, yeah - use caution.

Let's see...I've also recently started experimenting with gaffs a bit. They're pretty awkward so far, but seeing my profile like that definitely made me feel some kind of way. It was subtle, but felt significant. I'm not sure about lingerie for men. I stumbled across a site with that kind of thing, but, at least on that one, the designs emphasized the bulge, which felt kind of gross. But it would be nice to have more room down there. If you don't mind, let me know if you find anything good! I did end up getting a few lacey and/or skimpy nightwear items from Shein, and they absolutely make you feel all giggly and cute.

Since you mentioned secretly being girly, I should probably share something about my adventures in panties. After the first Shein order, I learned that panties were worth exploring, but I wanted more practical ones. Oh, that reminds me - I was caught off-guard by the prevalence of clothes requiring hand washing and line drying, so be careful about that if it's something you don't want to do or are not used to. Anyway, I ended up getting an assortment of better quality everyday panties in different styles to try them out, and they have been an absolute delight. Talk about soft, smooth, and feeling cute! And you can wear whatever you want over them and nobody will know! If you're interested in more details on that, I actually geeked out and shared the ones I got in a comment on reddit, where I'm pretty sure nobody even saw it. If you're interested, you can find it here: https://old.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/17de3sr/when_was_anyone_gonna_tell_me_that_panties_were/k5z6mcv/?context=3

Looks like the sale is still active for another few days if you're interested, but heed my warning at the end of the reddit comment. There was also a sale on jewelry, which was worth experimenting with. Turns out I like emeralds. 🤩

Oh no, not writing more than my interest level at all! Sometimes it takes me a while to respond back as it's tough finding time to sit down and respond with a toddler climbing all over me 😅

Maybe we can keep this convo going in DM or on discord or something? I enjoy our talks and would like to keep it going as friends? ☺️

I would love to help with the skin care stuff but I'm pretty new to it myself, lol. Luckily my wife has been taking care of her skin for our whole relationship so I got a bit of a leg up in that regard. My understanding so far, and it's mostly related to shaving my body, but you want to have an exfoliant, good razor and shave gel as well as a good lotion/moisturizer. I also have the added difficulty of very sensitive skin so the products I'm looking for deal with that a lot. If that isn't too much of an issue for you, that's great and will open your options up a lot!

I couldn't find your link on Reddit to the sale but was it on Shein? I'm definitely wanting to find some every day panties that are comfortable. I don't want to emphasize the bulge (agree 100% on the grossness of most "men's lingerie" lol), but also not ready to try gaffing yet as I feel like it would be uncomfy 😞 so I'm looking for something that has a little stretch to it as well for, well, ya know.

Feel free to DM me or if you have discord, you should be able to find me by my username o.nevia :)

Sure, why not? I felt there was some value in having this conversation publicly, in case it happens to benefit anyone lurking (if so, Hi! Congrats on making this far! ❤️), but this is getting increasingly specific and long-winded, so this might be a good time to take it to DMs. I'll shoot you one.

Oh, and no worries about taking time to reply - real life is important, especially when you have adorable responsibilities.

Yeah, for anyone lurking and making it this far, feel free to reach out to me as well if you'd like to connect! I'm happy to make new friends and think we could all use some more support ❤️

And I agree. My son is a very adorable responsibility and I love him more each day. I know I'm biased, but he is probably the best person to have ever existed? 😂