Adults , how do you deal with other professionals

KirthKainnech@sh.itjust.works to ADHD@lemmy.world – 59 points –

Hi, I’m 46 years old and have had a diagnosis since childhood ( was call add then). And without getting to much into it have had many challenges throughout my life. I’m in a good place now where my own Strahles coupled with therapy and medication help me manage things. Up until very recently i felt like this was something to overcome with willpower but now I’m more like this is a storm I just need to ride along with an do my best. I work in software development and in my current job I’m ramping up to take on a lot more responsibilities and leadership. I’ll be dealing with people alot more as a result and I basically am looking for advice on what to do in those moments when I recognize I’m being too “much” without just having to explain that I’m neurodivergent or that I have ADHD. i know I can meet the expectations set in front of me i’m just looking to see how to smooth over the rough patches.

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I think understanding people goes a long way toward working cohesively and maintaining good relationships with them. Two books that I found really helpful are How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and It's Your Ship by Michael Abrashoff.

A few cliff notes from my experience:

  • People are often driven by their emotions at the expense of logic. Be quick to forgive this. We're all that way sometimes. Part of the human condition.

  • Use knowledge of the former to your advantage. People like to be trusted and given ownership of their job. Focus on clearing obstacles and enabling your team rather than micromanaging their work. If they learn to trust you, they will be much more prone to come to you for help before things have gotten out of control.

  • Balance criticism with praise. You need the job done right but your main goal is to help your team succeed. Their success is your success. Have hard conversations with them when necessary. Be direct but be kind. Have these conversations in private. As much as people need to know when they're not performing as expected, they also need to know when they are. And, I would argue that they need this more. When someone does something right, tell them and mean it. It's ok and sometimes even good to do this publicly. "John, that feature you implemented was great and your code quality was top notch. Thanks for doing that." It doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

  • Take responsibility for your own failures. You're not perfect. None of us are. You will earn a lot of respect by being willing to own your mistakes, not to mention it shows you're a person with integrity and at the end of the day, it's worth more to know you can sleep at night because you did the right thing even if was hard.

Good luck! I hope this helps.

I'm 34, was untreated for ADHD until a few months ago. I work in software development, and had various roles & responsibilities thrust upon me when people left. On top of that, managing a team through the COVID Lockdown and my own fracturing mental state really took a toll on me. The advice posted here is solid. When I took on everything, I had to learn these via Trail-by-fire. If I may add on:

  • Always forgive people for their emotions. This is solid, but remember to apply this to yourself. You're human, too. On top of that, your ADHD is not something You're at fault for. Forgive yourself, don't punish yourself.
  • Having trust in your team is paramount. Backing them up, treating them as equals, and sharing advice you've learned from the previous generations will bolster them. I've had a lot of new people come in, asking "why were things done this way?" And I ask them "Knowing what we know now, how can we make them better?"
  • "Balancing criticism with praise" should be tattooed on the hands of anyone in charge of a team. Pulling people aside to let them know that you're proud of the work they're doing and how much they mean to the team as a whole is golden rule that pays dividends.
  • This does feed into forgiving yourself, be able to take criticism, but being able to take responsibility without coming up with an excuse is a tough one. I grew up with a father who would get overly physical with failures and mistakes. It's in my nature now to make excuses so I don't get beat. Hard for me to accept that everyone doesn't think like my father does. But, failure is human. It's a chance to learn. It shouldn't be shunned as it should be observed and treated as acceptable.

All that being said, this was a great post. Thank you both!

I will usually just acknowledge it without giving an explanation. People will almost always accept that. Examples.

Oh I think I just got carried away there. Let's take a step back. Do you have any questions?

Hey I think I got a bit too excited about the project for a sec. I hope that wasn't too much.

It's usually fine and takes the awkwardness out of the situation if there was any. And it shows people you realized what was going on. That's usually all they need to hear. No apology and no justifications or explanations needed. I found those would often just make it worse rather than better. Just be brief and move on. The longer you stay in the topic of an awkward situation the more it will stay awkward.

Yea I do tend to struggle with meta analysis in the moment.

Oh for sure. It can be tough to zoom out and see what is going on and what you are doing while in the midst of things. I struggle with this all the time. The advice I gave is what I do when I do it right. Doesn't mean I get it right all that often. But I'm getting better and I keep practicing.

Saw this post on 'All'. I do not have ADHD, but I believe I work with someone who does. I don't want to take over ops question, but perhaps add an additional question/angle that could be helpful:

  • This individual is notorious at the company for overwhelming people with work requests and long list of "thoughts" about how to do things at the company that tend to spider web into every problem the company has.
  • People who have tried to fulfill his requests in the past always try to start small and solve a chunk at a time, but he gets upset and says they all need to be worked on simultaneously or we'll have nothing in the end.
  • He has alot of industry knowledge so our executives love him. But he ends up getting people fired because they can't help him complete his list of demands.
  • I just got promoted to a position where I'm now next in line to deal with him.

How should I work with him? It's just not feasible to work on everything he wants at once. And he overwhelms me daily with long documents and emails full of random thoughts. I worry I'll be next on the chopping block if I don't figure out a way to work with him.

I'll throw my hat in. Get an idea of what his goal is, ask him to lay it out in steps. Tell him you'd like to focus on just one throughline before you move to the next. When he overwhelms you let him know that it's distracting.

Most importantly though, start working on your resume, because you're working at a company that refuses to manage expectations and does not support you. If one Engineer is causing high turnover like that and management doesn't care, that's a big red flag.

In this situation, we are both management level. I don't think anyone has tried to just flat out tell him he's making a mess of things and distracting people. Maybe being upfront about it could help avoid repeating history.

If he's getting people fired I'd just start interviewing. Sounds like others have tried to work through the tasks in a reasonable way and it didn't work out.

Otherwise, document EVERYTHING and CYA!

Is this in a software context? If so, mandating structured RFCs will help a lot. It will channel random streams of thoughts into constructive, actionable proposals.

Have your first RFC be about how to structure an RFC. Make a cost/benefit analysis (in real money if possible) be a mandatory part of the proposal. Commit all of them to a main branch in git even if they are rejected because you would preserve the original discussions around that particular proposal.

Basically anything that can be an epic ticket can and should be an RFC first.

Thanks, good advice. The context is technology. I'm on the tech side. The other person is outside of tech ("the business").

I’m very successful in what I do in IT and interact with many business users. They just come to accept that when I go on a technical jargon tangent, I will rehash it for them in layman’s terms once I speak the incomprehensible version which gives me the opportunity to get my thoughts in order. I am slowly learning to do that part in my head and to know my audience. I found that reading books on philosophy, politics, communication, and time management have all helped me to make my discussions with other it’s a strategic game where I know that I have to say things properly to accomplish the goal. If you realize that why you are opening your mouth is to accomplish a specific objective, then you can target just that objective and bulletpoints you other thoughts in notes for later. I’ve gone as far as to state allowed what I needed to and sent my bulletpoints soon after as either meeting notes or in the meeting chat if on zoom.

I love the idea of reiterating your points in laymen after! Definitely going to build towards this, thanks for sharing. :)

For me, I've just accepted I may not be everyone's cup of tea. And that's fine. That doesn't make me any less valuable.

For me the risks are a lot higher since I've been looking nonstop for work (in software) for the past 2-3 years. I realize I do have a strong personality: I love to get engaged in a project and really own it. Whenever I feel a potential employer/client trying to play it "cool," I'll often try to engage with them more and try to provide more value for them.

I do try to temper this. But at the end of the day I realize that while most people may not want someone engaged with their team, there are some companies that are desperate for people like me. And I just need to find out who they are...it just might take a while.