Romance in the 21st century
Hello friends, if you'll allow me, I would like to rant for a moment about the state of dating in an urban setting.
I don't want to immediately say things were better decades ago, but as someone who is monogamous, vanilla, just wants a steady partner, it feels impossible to date with the current apps. I am in hobby groups, I'm on Bumble, Hinge etc., I meet new people. Yet I can't seem to find anyone. I'm despairing friends, I'm despairing.
I feel like I'm picking people off an algorithm. The room for surprise and delight has been cut off. Now there is only space for cold hard data. Lots of pretty people with good education and it's so hard to see them as people and not just another part of an ever growing list. Another dot in the scatter plot.
People who are in LTRs, how'd you find your partner? What keeps you together?
Other single folk, how are you finding dating to be in your current locale? What things have brought success or failure in your mind? How do you define success or failure?
I found my partner 14 years ago in the hospital as I was lying on the same station as her mum was.
I can not recommend you slip off a roof and break your femur just to find love. There must be other ways. Please explore other avenues.
Dating in general is rough. Apps work for some and not for others. I like reading studies, and the ones on apps always made me feel pretty hopeless. You're definitely not alone in feeling empty interacting with the algorithm. I did the same thing you're doing, joined groups, joined multiple apps to increase my chances and odds, I came and went in activity frequently. My mental health definitely didn't help in the search for a partner.
Married my LTR. We met on a dating app right before COVID hit. We'd crossed paths a few times before and had some mutual acquaintances, but it wasn't until both of us were on the app that we started any interaction. Both of us had basically given up on the apps but were convinced by friends to try it again. I know it's super cliché, but things just clicked and felt right. We had some bumps, but both of us really wanted to make the relationship work.
We stay together because we're comfortable with each other. We're on the same page on most things, we discuss things when we're not. If we need space, we give it. We're open minded, try things on our own and together. Usually when we're apart and experiencing something, one of the first thoughts is "I wish they were here." We're ok with quiet and just existing in the same space, we don't need fancy or extravagant or to always have something going on.
Could we have been with other people and made it? Probably. I'm not a huge 'the one' person, she's probably more than me. However, there's a lot of times she makes me question my stance on that. She's pretty neat and I don't know what I did to deserve her.
Regarding "the one". I think people misunderstand what it means. There is no magical one person out there to find. On the other hand once you find someone they can very well become "your one". That really takes a lifetime though. My wife and I have been together over 25 years and each year has been better and deeper. After the first date mentally I thought it would be over in 3 months.
don't do that. not only do you risk settling for someone toxic, but you also risk becoming codependent on anyone you find.
no one is going to fulfil you, if that is what you are looking for. complement, yes, but your own happiness must not be subject to their presence or absence in your life.
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Highly recommend through friends. Also you need to give people time and a chance. Also do not confuse lust and surface stuff for long term love and compatibility After first date I thought probably be over in 3 months. Somewhere along the way it got out of hand and we have been together over 25 years.
I feel you man. I broke up with my long term girlfriend a few months ago and while I'm not ready to jump into a new relationship, I can't really see where I'll meet someone new!
I met my previous relationships in school, like the other commenter. Now that I'm out, I have no idea where to meet people... my friend group does hangouts and events and whatever, but it always ends up being just us. Sometimes, rarely, we do get to meet the occasional friend of a friend, but these are in a relationship more often than not.
So thanks for reading, I added 0 to this thread but I still wish you luck!
You definitely added more than zero value! I begin to feel more and more that for a high percentage of my generation (born post-2000), learning how to navigate social networks IRL wasn't a skill we learned. There's a generational atrophy when it comes to organizing parties and mixers and social activities larger than your closest friends.
One of the things I'm trying to break down in my friend group is the apathy towards mixing different groups of friends. Like we think different communities won't be able to get along with each other, and there is a paralyzing fear of any kind of social awkwardness. This also likely has to do with the friends I've made over the years, as someone who has struggled greatly with social anxiety I think I've naturally selected for groups of socially anxious people. Ack.
I met my wife on Bumble and we just had our first baby. Dating apps didn't work well for me for about a year, but then they really started to pick up and I had much better dates. What I found worked best was sticking to swiping, but getting to an actual date within the first week of talking and limiting getting to know eachother over text. If you do the whole introductory phase on an app, then you will have a hard time developing a dialogue or a vibe in person. If you use the apps for brief introductions and finding dates, then they are good. I would just try to take the dialogue off the app as soon as you see an opportunity to have a date in person.
Did you use the website or the mobile app? I'm interested in diving in but want to do so in the least invasive way.
I have more than one partner, I met them both in hobby spaces, not dating spaces. Dating online has become easier in some aspects and harder in others.
Over my experience, the apps have shittified too and are basically useless for connection. One person I met on an MMO, the other I met in an online support group.
We stay together because we love each other but we are also each other's chosen family. We have a deep respect and friendship before hand.
We're also all also neurodivergent as shit and queer so we just don't have any real games and talk bluntly with one another, for good or ill.
One relationship is over ten years old the other is almost five. It was about finding who wants the same thing in life and it really required being able to be honest with myself about who I am and what I offer.
It isn't easy. We are way past new relationship energy. But the work in a relationship that is worth is never feels like a poor investment.
I feel for you friend! My single friends are also stuggling hard right now.
To be honest, my long term partner probably wouldn't match from an algorithm. We're very different, and given the choice I'd probably normally say no. But we met by random chance just before the online dating explosion. Truth is, I don't know what's good for me, and we actually complement each other really well.
I met my partner in school, which is supremely unhelpful for people outside of school!
If I were you I’d keep doing similar things. Join an exercise group, a hobby meetup discord, a volunteer project. Go to the bar at the same time every week. Meeting people through doing things weeds out all the app drama.
Dating apps are just not a good idea in general, they have dark patterns built into them that make relationships(edit: not) long standing(as if you leave the app, you're not making it money)
dating in the past and current hasn't changed much aside from women having more autonomy which is always a good thing.
Statistically what has always worked is just meeting people through friends and or common interest groups like a local debate group, red cross etc.
I met my future husband on Plenty of Fish. It was supposed to be a simple date/hook up. However, we just clicked and never stopped seeing each other. We would both feel bad after not seeing each other and had to finally admit to each other that what we had is something more than just a hookup.
We are so opposite. Like very different. However, as the years passed we have influenced each other’s interests and behaviors and we are both better people for it. We grew. It’s been about 13 years now and during that time we got married and started a family. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s a road I would not have wanted to travel with anyone else.
My advice is that if what you want is a real, lasting LTR, you need to look past the “qualifications”, pictures, and stats on dating apps. Widen your dating pool. Date the human. Find out their passions and instincts. What makes them happy? Or sad? Show them what makes you unique. Show them what you enjoy. Try out their interests and learn from each other. Don’t try to rush into relationship-thinking. Just enjoy yourself. If its a match, you will know.
I met my wife because we were both writing Anime synopses for My Anime List. She was an organizer/editor and I was a writer.
Some years later she ended up moving from India to Ohio, for her Master's degree, and after a while of not having spoken to each other, we met met up and the rest is history.
I know the whole "true love" thing doesn't usually happen but that's kind of what it felt like. Some times people really do get together just because they're single after a certain age and arranged marriages still occur in urban settings, shotgun weddings also.
Sometime, somewhere, you just gotta take a leap and see where it goes but if that's not for you, that's cool too. If you're down for long-distance dating, it may help you find more prospects but I know that's not everyone's thing either.
I thought I was really desperate after my last ex broke up with me, because part of me wanted companionship back (I was in the relationship for 8 years) so badly that I felt like I would do anything for it.
I realized though that, in addition to being asexual, I was aromantic, and that the partnership I wanted was a queer platonic one. I know this basically not anything like other people want but I thought I'd share regardless.
I have no desire to go on dating apps, because what would it do for someone like me? I met my first ex through fandom RP, and my second ex through school. my QPP I also met through RP, and we now write together every day. we bond a lot through creating stories together, and although we're in two separate countries for now, the relationship has been going strong for several years. hobbies I feel are always a good starting place for trying to meet people, for what that's worth.
a major thing for me has been communication. try to always keep in mind that playing games isn't going to get you anywhere. honest communication may suck sometimes, but I had it really nailed into me that it was important, and so I try to practice that every day with my partner.
I wish you lots of luck in finding what you need!
Honestly, dating apps have always weirded me out so I never used them. I've only dated people I met in real life; which, as an introvert, means I haven't dated many people at all. I'd rather quality over quantity. Every date I've been on has lead to a LTR, because we already knew we had chemistry before our first date.
I met my spouse through work. I know lots of people recommend not dating people from your job, and it can be risky, but it worked for us. Of course, my parents have been married for over 40 years and also met at their job, so I guess maybe it's genetic.
As for what keeps us together? It's just easy. We like being around each other and work well together, despite our many differences. Life's better with them in it.
I'm predominantly aromantic and so have pretty much entirely avoided any specifically dating apps, spaces, get togethers, etc - just have no interest in pursuing it just for the sake of pursuing it. I do have a LTR though and met my partner at my previous workplace, we went out because he wanted to stay in touch when I took another job and ended up hitting it off unexpectedly despite almost 4 years of mostly just having polite quick workplace conversations. We have somewhat different interests (he's very into anime and manga while I'm more of a outdoors and animals queer hahahaha) but we get along well and have really similar personalities and values.
I guess the only piece of advice I can really impart with my own experience in mind is to just be open to unexpected relationships with people you already know! I do think it helps too though that neither of us came into this with big expectations, it was super casual and comfortable from the very beginning with none of the pomp and circumstance of first dates and navigating getting to know each other and all. I think folks can get really hung up on all these rituals of dating and it just gets in the way of organic connections.