I understand where you're coming from (although I can't say I had the same things to deal with, anywho, I sympathize). Sometimes it feels like we're being lived rather than that we're living our own lives.
Things that make me feel alive are activities that pull me out of the 'grind' and make me focus on the here and now. It could be reading a book under a tree, longboarding too when I still did that, going for a nice walk in the forest or on the beach, petting one of the local cats, a picnic with a friend, ice skating, exploring a new city on my own, etc. Basically anything outside or somewhat physically active. Sometimes yoga or playing guitar can do the same thing for me. The most important part is that I can get lost in the activity and can allow myself to get distracted when I see a nice mushroom/leaf/bee/cat/whatever. It's all about slowing down.
I suppose it's different for everyone, but an example of a day where I felt truly happy and free went like this: I went for a drive just because and came across a forest I'd never been to before. I was in no rush, so I parked my car, got out and went on a lovely walk there. I even ended up seeing a couple of deer. Then I got myself something to eat and went to see a movie (Nope) on my own. The only company I had was a stuffed animal I brought along because I like cuddling up with blankets and plushies while watching films and I figured it'd be dark in the cinema anyway. I did nothing of note and spent the entire day alone, and yet, happy as I could be.
Part of it might be about not giving a fuck about what others think. I've been on a vacation alone, been to restaurants alone, been to the movies alone, and to a concert alone. Not because I had to go alone, but because I could. Some people might've looked at me weird, but I enjoyed myself tremendously all the same. In the case of the vacation I even got treated like a local rather than a tourist, which gave me an entirely different perspective during the trip.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I'm glad to hear you found another career you enjoy and that you're trying new things. Keep it up :)
writing!
I do collaborative writing with my partner (who has been the light in a lot of darkness for me) but also just...working on characters, developing new worlds, putting together music playlists for them and pinterest boards. It's escapism at it's finest but I've been told I'm good at it when I share my writing, it's been my source of pride since I was a kid. when the words are flowing, I can easily get lost in them, like everything bad is gone for a while.
I'm glad you can still find peace in things, and I hope you can find more ways for that feeling to be enjoyed.
When I'm singing in a choir, surrounded by other people all singing with one voice. Especially in a large building with great acoustics. That's what beauty is to me- even when I've been at my lowest I've always had choral singing keep me going.
For me it's just living.
I know that sounds corny but I legit have no idea what the next day may bring or what I will learn within the next minute or two.
When I was in High School I used to joke about celebrating every day because I didn't have HIV but as I look back on it I don't think I was too far off, despite how shallow it was.
I could say my wife is the best thing (she is but that's besides the point) and eventually I'd have to answer your question again if she's not around while I am.
What makes my life worth living is the hope that something will change, doesn't have to be good or bad, this is the only time I'll get to experience this as far as I know.
Cycling, outdoors. The longer I am holding the handlebars, pushing the pedals, the quieter my mind gets. It's not long into each ride before I completely lose track of time. All the while enjoying natural scenery, reaching high summits of uninhabited areas near my town, exploring the area in a manner that all the natural beauty I can perceive gets strongly imprinted into my memory -my heart is pounding. I really love cycling.
Aside from big things like my partner and my family, being outside or in nature always gives me that type of relief. Going on walks or hikes, noticing all the little things, the birds, the bugs, the leaves, the grass, the trees, the dirt, the gravel, just sitting down and watching people go by, as small as it sounds it really helps me center myself and put things into perspective.
Yes!
I find that foraging wild plants and mushrooms, educating myself as much as I can about the ecosystems I have access to, and actively locating patterns of plants and mushrooms when in nature, really enhances this experience. Helps me with the perspective too.
I like this as well. Sometimes I'll go to a park and just sit under a tree.
I wish I could feel like that all the time.
Bicycle tour leader. Will really lean on the skills you learned in public service, and you will be on a bike all the time. https://www.adventurecycling.org/
"Create" stuffs in some way. Draw shapes in roll and write games. Make labels for storage. Piece together artwork with perler beads. Cook solely for myself.
Karting, it's a very zen experience for me, which might sound a little weird if you aren't used to flying around a former department store at 40mph and coming within inches of barriers. But to set a fast lap requires absolute focus and control and a complete lack of fear . There's magic in running lap after lap searching for an advantage and improving your smoothness while walking a tightrope of control with absolute confidence. I just wish it wasn't so expensive still much cheaper than real cars.
I've never been at peace walking around a park, or sitting on a beach or anything like that. I'm 100% in my element on track though. I need to focus my mind onto something to let things go. Maybe that's something I need to work on.
RC racing is the much more chill version, you get into the flow of the track and the car and go back to the pits and make some tweaks and go again. It requires the same kind of focus and mental skills but much less bodily stress, be prepared to walk a lot of you are new, or to help flip over cars for kids and other racers.
Obviously I have a very specific mindset where I need to push myself mentally in this area. Stopping short of the limit of myself and the hardware just won't do.
The partnership shared with my spouse is the best thing about my life.
We never run out of engaging conversations or fun, we carry each other through the hard times, equally share household responsibility, and we trust each other enough to be fully transparent with our humanity. We share a daily priority of mutual care. I think this is what Le Guin meant by “the bond” in The Dispossessed.
Like something out of a fairytale, my spouse has been an unwavering bastion of support since we started dating in high school. They held my hand through my dad’s terminal illness and death in the first three months and helped me survive a year of abuse after that. When I transitioned a year after marrying, they came out as bi. They’ve never complained about weathering through all of the cPTSD baggage. Heck, their love and support rehabilitated me. They see my neurodivergence as a feature rather than a bug.
I’m so fortunate and grateful to live this life with them. Every day is a gift.
Get into riding daily and get a road bike. It will change your life. Daily endurance exercise will force your hormones and circadian rhythm into a stable state.
Yes! I do not have depression, I have ptsd, so ymmv, but I don’t have a great deal of hope in the world and my personal circumstances have, for a long time, been not so great. Bad shit is bad, people are mean, and some of it may not get better in time for me to enjoy it. But every time i think, wow, what the hell am i doing here, I think about the stuff I’m still enjoying or still want to find out or read or hear or get to do. Nothing big or profound, not capital-m Meaning or Greatness or Success or Love, just like - god, this song is a banger. I am really enjoying the crunch of this piece of toast or the moisture in the air today. I really enjoyed that meme, humans are so funny. I love music and poetry and nature and words a lot, and I really like food and spending time inside other people’s ideas/built little worlds. If I am really engaging as much as I can with the really small things - trees, the noises birds make, music, well written paragraphs - then I’m invested in numerous small things that can’t very easily taken away from me, instead of bigger stuff like a particular relationship or a certain life plan or physical health or a certain philosophy. And, it makes it harder for my mind to convince me that I’m not still enjoying my time here, or that I’m not doing anything worth it with my existence, as i really do believe we’re here to get to enjoy and feel stuff that we could not enjoy and feel if we did not exist in the forms we do. Doing things I enjoy as much or as often as possible, and scheduling them in with as much importance as the ”serious” stuff, does a lot to keep me engaged with the parts of being alive that I really like. And when I’m engaged in that way, I’m a bit less engaged with the things that hurt or make me feel hopeless or devalued. There’s a chance what I’ve written here won’t work for you, so i just want to add that I don’t think you should feel bad if it doesn’t. Brains being all different and such. (Feeling bad when things don’t work for me has been a big part of my own experience, so I felt it necessary to add that disclaimer.)
I have something like that as well. Skiing and swimming make me feel like that, in different ways.
I'm a lifelong skier, and raced for a couple of years in high school which really improved my general skiing skills, comfort, and confidence. When I'm skiing, I can get to the top of a mountain with an incredible view, I can better see just how vast that little section of the world is. I feel small but at the same time I feel like I can conquer anything, the only thing that can hold me back is a willingness to try.
I'm also a lifelong swimmer, and raced at an amateur level for a about a decade between middle school, high school, and college. It feels amazing to be comfortable and move well in an environment that's almost totally not for humans. It feels like what I imagine being able to fly would, and unlocks a whole new world of otherwise unconventional movements and if you take it to a large pond/lake/ocean weird and amazing creatures as well. That can be amplified even more by doing things like snorkeling, even more curious creatures and structures, not needing to break the immersion to breath. It's a world unlike anything else.
Edit: Sorry about the spam, this seemed to be failing while on Airplane WiFi, so I kept resubmitting not realizing each was actually submitted.
I understand where you're coming from (although I can't say I had the same things to deal with, anywho, I sympathize). Sometimes it feels like we're being lived rather than that we're living our own lives.
Things that make me feel alive are activities that pull me out of the 'grind' and make me focus on the here and now. It could be reading a book under a tree, longboarding too when I still did that, going for a nice walk in the forest or on the beach, petting one of the local cats, a picnic with a friend, ice skating, exploring a new city on my own, etc. Basically anything outside or somewhat physically active. Sometimes yoga or playing guitar can do the same thing for me. The most important part is that I can get lost in the activity and can allow myself to get distracted when I see a nice mushroom/leaf/bee/cat/whatever. It's all about slowing down.
I suppose it's different for everyone, but an example of a day where I felt truly happy and free went like this: I went for a drive just because and came across a forest I'd never been to before. I was in no rush, so I parked my car, got out and went on a lovely walk there. I even ended up seeing a couple of deer. Then I got myself something to eat and went to see a movie (Nope) on my own. The only company I had was a stuffed animal I brought along because I like cuddling up with blankets and plushies while watching films and I figured it'd be dark in the cinema anyway. I did nothing of note and spent the entire day alone, and yet, happy as I could be.
Part of it might be about not giving a fuck about what others think. I've been on a vacation alone, been to restaurants alone, been to the movies alone, and to a concert alone. Not because I had to go alone, but because I could. Some people might've looked at me weird, but I enjoyed myself tremendously all the same. In the case of the vacation I even got treated like a local rather than a tourist, which gave me an entirely different perspective during the trip.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I'm glad to hear you found another career you enjoy and that you're trying new things. Keep it up :)
writing!
I do collaborative writing with my partner (who has been the light in a lot of darkness for me) but also just...working on characters, developing new worlds, putting together music playlists for them and pinterest boards. It's escapism at it's finest but I've been told I'm good at it when I share my writing, it's been my source of pride since I was a kid. when the words are flowing, I can easily get lost in them, like everything bad is gone for a while.
I'm glad you can still find peace in things, and I hope you can find more ways for that feeling to be enjoyed.
When I'm singing in a choir, surrounded by other people all singing with one voice. Especially in a large building with great acoustics. That's what beauty is to me- even when I've been at my lowest I've always had choral singing keep me going.
For me it's just living.
I know that sounds corny but I legit have no idea what the next day may bring or what I will learn within the next minute or two.
When I was in High School I used to joke about celebrating every day because I didn't have HIV but as I look back on it I don't think I was too far off, despite how shallow it was.
I could say my wife is the best thing (she is but that's besides the point) and eventually I'd have to answer your question again if she's not around while I am.
What makes my life worth living is the hope that something will change, doesn't have to be good or bad, this is the only time I'll get to experience this as far as I know.
Cycling, outdoors. The longer I am holding the handlebars, pushing the pedals, the quieter my mind gets. It's not long into each ride before I completely lose track of time. All the while enjoying natural scenery, reaching high summits of uninhabited areas near my town, exploring the area in a manner that all the natural beauty I can perceive gets strongly imprinted into my memory -my heart is pounding. I really love cycling.
Aside from big things like my partner and my family, being outside or in nature always gives me that type of relief. Going on walks or hikes, noticing all the little things, the birds, the bugs, the leaves, the grass, the trees, the dirt, the gravel, just sitting down and watching people go by, as small as it sounds it really helps me center myself and put things into perspective.
Yes!
I find that foraging wild plants and mushrooms, educating myself as much as I can about the ecosystems I have access to, and actively locating patterns of plants and mushrooms when in nature, really enhances this experience. Helps me with the perspective too.
I like this as well. Sometimes I'll go to a park and just sit under a tree.
Bicycle tour leader. Will really lean on the skills you learned in public service, and you will be on a bike all the time. https://www.adventurecycling.org/
"Create" stuffs in some way. Draw shapes in roll and write games. Make labels for storage. Piece together artwork with perler beads. Cook solely for myself.
Karting, it's a very zen experience for me, which might sound a little weird if you aren't used to flying around a former department store at 40mph and coming within inches of barriers. But to set a fast lap requires absolute focus and control and a complete lack of fear . There's magic in running lap after lap searching for an advantage and improving your smoothness while walking a tightrope of control with absolute confidence. I just wish it wasn't so expensive still much cheaper than real cars.
I've never been at peace walking around a park, or sitting on a beach or anything like that. I'm 100% in my element on track though. I need to focus my mind onto something to let things go. Maybe that's something I need to work on.
RC racing is the much more chill version, you get into the flow of the track and the car and go back to the pits and make some tweaks and go again. It requires the same kind of focus and mental skills but much less bodily stress, be prepared to walk a lot of you are new, or to help flip over cars for kids and other racers.
Obviously I have a very specific mindset where I need to push myself mentally in this area. Stopping short of the limit of myself and the hardware just won't do.
The partnership shared with my spouse is the best thing about my life.
We never run out of engaging conversations or fun, we carry each other through the hard times, equally share household responsibility, and we trust each other enough to be fully transparent with our humanity. We share a daily priority of mutual care. I think this is what Le Guin meant by “the bond” in The Dispossessed.
Like something out of a fairytale, my spouse has been an unwavering bastion of support since we started dating in high school. They held my hand through my dad’s terminal illness and death in the first three months and helped me survive a year of abuse after that. When I transitioned a year after marrying, they came out as bi. They’ve never complained about weathering through all of the cPTSD baggage. Heck, their love and support rehabilitated me. They see my neurodivergence as a feature rather than a bug.
I’m so fortunate and grateful to live this life with them. Every day is a gift.
Get into riding daily and get a road bike. It will change your life. Daily endurance exercise will force your hormones and circadian rhythm into a stable state.
Yes! I do not have depression, I have ptsd, so ymmv, but I don’t have a great deal of hope in the world and my personal circumstances have, for a long time, been not so great. Bad shit is bad, people are mean, and some of it may not get better in time for me to enjoy it. But every time i think, wow, what the hell am i doing here, I think about the stuff I’m still enjoying or still want to find out or read or hear or get to do. Nothing big or profound, not capital-m Meaning or Greatness or Success or Love, just like - god, this song is a banger. I am really enjoying the crunch of this piece of toast or the moisture in the air today. I really enjoyed that meme, humans are so funny. I love music and poetry and nature and words a lot, and I really like food and spending time inside other people’s ideas/built little worlds. If I am really engaging as much as I can with the really small things - trees, the noises birds make, music, well written paragraphs - then I’m invested in numerous small things that can’t very easily taken away from me, instead of bigger stuff like a particular relationship or a certain life plan or physical health or a certain philosophy. And, it makes it harder for my mind to convince me that I’m not still enjoying my time here, or that I’m not doing anything worth it with my existence, as i really do believe we’re here to get to enjoy and feel stuff that we could not enjoy and feel if we did not exist in the forms we do. Doing things I enjoy as much or as often as possible, and scheduling them in with as much importance as the ”serious” stuff, does a lot to keep me engaged with the parts of being alive that I really like. And when I’m engaged in that way, I’m a bit less engaged with the things that hurt or make me feel hopeless or devalued. There’s a chance what I’ve written here won’t work for you, so i just want to add that I don’t think you should feel bad if it doesn’t. Brains being all different and such. (Feeling bad when things don’t work for me has been a big part of my own experience, so I felt it necessary to add that disclaimer.)
I have something like that as well. Skiing and swimming make me feel like that, in different ways.
I'm a lifelong skier, and raced for a couple of years in high school which really improved my general skiing skills, comfort, and confidence. When I'm skiing, I can get to the top of a mountain with an incredible view, I can better see just how vast that little section of the world is. I feel small but at the same time I feel like I can conquer anything, the only thing that can hold me back is a willingness to try.
I'm also a lifelong swimmer, and raced at an amateur level for a about a decade between middle school, high school, and college. It feels amazing to be comfortable and move well in an environment that's almost totally not for humans. It feels like what I imagine being able to fly would, and unlocks a whole new world of otherwise unconventional movements and if you take it to a large pond/lake/ocean weird and amazing creatures as well. That can be amplified even more by doing things like snorkeling, even more curious creatures and structures, not needing to break the immersion to breath. It's a world unlike anything else.
Edit: Sorry about the spam, this seemed to be failing while on Airplane WiFi, so I kept resubmitting not realizing each was actually submitted.