How do you stop feeling the desire to be in a relationship?

Beware@lemm.ee to Asklemmy@lemmy.ml – 7 points –

I'm almost 35 and realised is not going to happen. I will never become adult or reliable enough for any woman to take a glance at me. I'll never fall in love or experience sex.

There must be a way to stop this feeling. People say hobbies but honestly I don't like anything or i give up on everything. I don't wanna try new things anymore.

Edit: some of you are really nice. But to those of you who keep insulting just because my post is a downer they I'll just block you. Why don't just ignore my post instead of leaving nasty comments?

58

You need professional therapy, not "advice" from Lemmy

Certainly better than nothing. Going to a therapist can be hard, both mentally and economically.

It's not better than nothing for OP. He uses Lemmy to get attention instead of accepting the advice people give him. He will never improve as long as he is using this place as an incel stomping ground.

Just look at his responses in this thread from several days ago: https://lemm.ee/post/34057938

He has no desire to improve. Only to wallow in self pity and get as much attention as possible from well-meaning people on the fediverse.

While your response is harsh, I think there is merit in it. A professional would work on the undelying issue, rather than daily placating of feelings.

We can see from the past few weeks of activity that OP is not going to improve by continuing this behaviour. Just look at the conversation they had with @hellothere@sh.itjust.works in the thread I linked.

That was somebody who was genuinely trying to help and giving OP as much support and empathy as they could muster. And you can see OP just has no desire to improve his situation. He just wants attention.

It seems a common trend on tiktok, etc. people crying on camera about how sad they are for internet points and attenrion, it is bizarre to me

Lemmy advice for someone struggling who really needs therapy for a harsh problem can definitely be worse than nothing

Oh fuck off, I just realized this is that same attention whoring piece of shit @fookreddit69@lemm.ee

You're upset you got banned from all the asklemmy munis for posting so much "woe is me" crap aren't you? So now you've evaded your ban by creating a new account...

Listen, if you aren't going to accept anyone's advice, you are just wasting everyone's time by posting. Everyone has told you what you need to do. Seek therapy, stop being so down on yourself. Do literally anything to improve your situation instead of shitposting on Lemmy.

It's so obviously the same person. If anyone ever desperately needed to get the fuck off the Internet and go touch grass, it's this guy.

I was stunned when I saw it wasn’t that guy. Jokes on me, because yeah, very clearly the same dude with a new account. He seriously needs to log off, go to the gym, and see a therapist

Man we already got a local victim whore?

Community is really taking roots

honestly I don't like anything or i give up on everything. I don't wanna try new things anymore.

That sounds an awful lot like depression. That's nothing to do with being in a relationship or not; it's not healthy to not be able to enjoy anything or take interest in anything. Forget about the relationship stuff. You can be and deserve to be happy without one. You need to address the other stuff first.

You really don't, humans are by and large social animals, so while you might be able to suppress that feeling, there's little chance to get rid of it entirely.

I agree with the other comment though that you need to build general social circles first and foremost. That's how most relationships start anyway, through mutual hobbies and interests.

Just don't go waltzing into any hobby gardener meetup with the only thought in mind to find a partner, but rather get involved with something you care about and then see what happens. Be that a book club, board game session, arts & craft stuff, sports, or whatever, just make sure it's an actual interest of yours.

And if it's the no sex part that contributes to your insecurity, then seriously, find a paid companion. If that's illegal where you're at, find a place you could go without repercussions. I've seen people transform over such encounters, no matter how frowned upon it might seem in society.

Hobbies is the answer.

Join a gym, go once a week until you want to go more.

Go to trivia at a bar that does it the same day every week.

Find a local club for an interest you have.

Find things that happen on a schedule that you have to show up for.

The problem you’ve described, in my experience, is that it sounds like you don’t have a life for anyone to join you in.

Nothing comes easy, even hobbies, you have to decide you want to do a thing and then do it on purpose even if you don’t want to do that thing in that moment.

I am coincidentally also 35, and had similar sentiments following my most "recent" divorce (4 years ago!)

Your comment is bang on mate. The second to last paragraph really hits home but it's something that I really needed to acknowledge and accept if I ever wanted to move on.

Went to a gig recently, was in a mosh pit for the first time in over a decade, and a fucking LOVED every bit of it, bruising and all.
You just gotta find your vibe, and it takes effort, but once you do others will see your vibe and want to jiggle with you (I'm not great at analogies hopefully this makes sense).

And I'll never have one

Edit:

Hey, let me say first off I’m probably talking to you all wrong. You’re an adult, and I’m in the “talk to my kid” mindset with this. I apologize for being crass. Shit isn’t easy, I agree, I have been where you are and you’re not alone. You aren’t. Don’t lean into the anger and envy and darker tendencies humans have in these scenarios.

Especially when you choose to not have one.

I assure you even at the bottom of my deepest darkest depression, after 2 COVID deaths and suddenly finding myself a single father left alone with my son … I still CHOSE the isolation route.

It wasn’t the depression and everything else choosing, it was me acquiescing to the sweet sad embrace of it. It was cathartic but it was also drowning.

I don’t mean this to minimize, it is crippling and debilitating but it is still our choice. When you’re failing to choose to get up remember the choice is still yours and turn that into power for the next time.

Take a chance. The worst case scenario is you stop doing the thing you weren’t doing already.

Life is absurd, make your own meaning and your own purpose.

I'm sorry but that's not possible.

Sounds like you want to never have one. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You have convinced yourself so hard that this is who you are, that you are making that who you are.

If you don't want to be this person, don't be that person.

There must be a way to stop this feeling.

Been there. I'll keep it short. The way is to get professional help. Therapy and/or medication.

Since you have no job, first step is to get on whatever low/no income insurance is available to you locally.

Are you asexual? If not, you're going to have sexual attraction. Turning that off isn't going to happen. Now, you can have sex without being in a relationship. But, normally people do strive to have a romantic relationship and I doubt you can switch that off without some serious drugs.

I think many men that experience these feelings turn to anger. They blame society, women, other men, etc. They turn to toxic mentors who tell them how to be "alpha" and seek advice from "pick up artists". Do not do any of that.

Your attitude sounds like depression. You have given up. You say you aren't reliable or an "adult". Do you want to be those things? Or do you want to be miserable that you're not those things? Those seem to be your options.

Being miserable is easy. Just do nothing. Be lazy. Have regret.

Being the person you want to be is hard. It is for most people. Most of us are in some stage of trying to be better people.

"Either experience the pain of progress or the pain of regret".

Being miserable can be comfortable if that's what you're use to doing. It's your safe space. Other things are foreign, strange, and scary.

You'll have to work really hard to break that cycle. Your mind will be screaming at you to stop trying to better yourself. "There's no point!"... " "Just give up and go back to bed!"...

You'll have to work to reject those thoughts and demonstrate to yourself that you can. And eventually, you'll notice it won't be as hard or scary.

So, make a plan and start with small things.

Or continue to give up and feel miserable.

I don't wanna be those things. But i know women only like successful adults, which means I'm fucked.

For your own mental health, try to avoid assuming all women feel the same, it dehumanizes them which prevents you from having empathy and thus creating meaningful connections because you are assuming a woman's feelings before ever knowing her.

A lot of women feel the same way you do, trust me. A lot of women don't know what they want, or just want something as simple as somebody that they enjoy spending time with. That's it. Try not to overcomplicate it. Ask them what they want before you sabotage connections.

Dude I've being ignored enough. I won't ask anything, is obvious what they want from a man. Be honest would you date me? Make love to me? No, right? I bet you're thinking I'm pathetic. Well this is me.

I wouldn't, not because you are unsuccessful, but because you hate yourself.

When I met my partner of 10 years, he had no money, i had barely any. We drank king cans by the river and smoked weed for our first date. In fact, I dated so many guys that were hardly conventionally attractive, money or success weren't things I considered. The only things I considered were how I felt around them. You would be surprised what kind of things women find attractive.

You really are just making huge leaps and assumptions because you don't want to have to turn your whole world upside down, because that would mean admitting you have been wrong for so long and miserable for no reason. It would mean having to dissect your own ego.

You clearly don't want to be happy, because if you did, you wouldn't be arguing against advice you asked for. Women don't want to date you because you don't want them to want to date you, because that would mean you're wrong, so you actively push them away by doing things like this.

This is pure blackpill. I'm really sorry you are in this position, but you truly need to talk this over with a therapist. You're not unlovable, but when you think and talk like this women, rightfully, see nothing but red flags. And then your loneliness become a self fulfilling prophecy.

There is nothing wrong with you, except for the fact that you believe everything is wrong with you. A relationship is literally the last thing you need, instead focus on your own mental health and serenity.

This thread is a form of self harm. I know therapy is hard, but arguging with strangers about how terrible you are won't ever make things better. Tending to your mental health will.

Have you never deconstructed it before? Like, close your eyes and imagine to yourself, what defines a relationship? What defines the kind of thing I want to be in a relationship with? And what can I offer for that?

A lot of people who seek relationships lack them because they're narrow about it, even just me mentioning I'm asexual has violated a lot of mens' visions unfortunately. People today have less of an imagination than they used to, that's the issue.

Please get therapy. I started a few years ago and I went from autistic virgin in his late 20s who had never been on a single date to guy with a girlfriend. It's never too late if you are willing to put work into yourself.

Also, even if you can't afford therapy, at least read "The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. Just skip all the parts where he talks about Ayn Rand. And do the homework at the back of the book every day if you can, once you finish reading it. That book was maybe the thing that made the biggest difference for me in changing my attitude about finding a relationship.

5 more...

You say you don't like anything or give up on everything, but what does that look like? I assume that you don't spend 8+ hours every day staring at a blank wall. You must do something to fill your time.

But if you are truly finding it difficult/impossible to be interested in the world around you, then your issue isn't that you don't have a girlfriend my dude. It sounds like you're suffering from pretty severe depression.

And I hate to break it to you, but untreated mental illness is definitely a mood killer, and not just with the ladies. You're gonna need to get yourself into a better place, or you're gonna drive more than just romantic partners away.

But I'll tell you, you're awfully fatalistic for 35. Women tend to pretty holistically prefer guys in the 33-40 bracket. You're not past your prime in the slightest. A little self confidence and a little investment in the world around you, and I think you'll find that you will attract people no problem.

And hey, maybe I'm wildly off base. I know I'm making a lot of assumptions based off a very small paragraph. And maybe I'm reading you super wrong. If so, I apologize.

One thing to keep in mind though. The idea of a relationship and sex you have in your head? That's a fantasy. Both are great things certainly, but when I was younger I feel like I built them up to be something deifying in my head. That once I had them, all my greatest desires would be met, and that life would be finally "complete" for me.

Understand that relationships are work. Fulfilling work, but work nonetheless. They require just as much "sticking to it" as any hobby that you haven't stuck with, if not substantially more. And let me tell you, you're absolutely not going to want to do it all the time. It requires a lot of dedication and perseverance.

And don't build up sex to something more than it is. Its great, certainly, but I promise you're putting it on a higher pedestal in your head than it deserves.

But all that to say, right now, you're in love with the idea of a relationship, not the reality of one. I'm confident that you'd find the reality to not be what you've dreamed of it. And the problems and struggles you have in your life are rarely made easier by adding more work and responsibilities.

Take care of yourself and get to a point where you love yourself and the world around you as it is, and I think you'll find that the rest of this will kind of take care of itself.

YouTube. Here. Videogames

I'm well aware relationship are work. But are also benefits. That's why I'm saying I'm not adult enough or reliable. And that isn't going to change, especially since that's the way i am. I know it's a turn off but what I'm supposed to do? Fake myself? Being social and having an interesting life ISN'T me.

Do you do those things because you truly get enjoyment out of them, or are they simply your drug of choice to help you cope through to the next day?

Those are all things that can be enjoyed in a healthy way certainly, but if it's just "wake up, work, binge internet, sleep," every day, then I'm afraid you have a problem. Maybe not a full blown addiction, but at least an extremely unhealthy coping mechanism for some deeper underlying issues.

This is something that you can work on though. Ideally with the help of a professional therapist who can help you identify why you feel the need to cope in this way and help you start breaking those destructive patterns in your life.

There's a principle in alcoholics support groups called "fake it til you make it".

Fake is a sort of meaningless word. You are the sum of your own choices, throughout your life. There is no such thing as some sort of "true" you that is inherent and unchangeable, all of your attitudes, emotions, likes/dislikes are like clothes you wear. They can be changed with a pattern of choices that fall under your overarching will.

It's not easy, though, not by a long shot. So, one technique is to fake it til you make it. Pretend at first, fake whatever trait you are trying to establish. You'll find over time your willpower turns that into the new "true you". You can change various aspects of yourself, it's all under your power.

It's a hell of a steep hill to climb alone though, so you might want some help along the way. Addiction support groups serve this purpose for people trying to get past their addictions. You might need some pharmaceutical assistance though, if you have a chronic problem, so a doctor might be a wise move.

Oh great. @fookreddit69@lemm.ee is back. Let's see how much attention we can draw to ourselves today, shall we?

If you're here to insult me then get lost

They didn't insult you. They just called out that you are back here after being banned from multiple communities on the fediverse (including this one) because of posts exactly like this one. You are the one who needs to get lost. Nobody wants to see your little pity parties. Take the hint and go touch some grass.

Couldn't even use different verbiage on his new account after getting banned everywhere lmao

As someone who has friends before in a similar situation as you, you may have certain limitations or disabilities and the best option is, yes it's work but it's extremely gratifying is to go and find a good therapist that you can talk to to help understand yourself and your predicament.

That's my suggestion of the best course as you have potentially other underlying things you don't realize like severe codependency (from my experience from my friends I used to have, not saying you do)

If you simply just don't do anything nothing will change and it will get worse and worse.

(Just in case your hyper dependent with your parents) Just absolutely do something if you care about yourself at all. Your parent(s) will not be there forever, they can't sustain you forever.

My wife and I happened to meet because each of us had a mutual friend that by chance brought us together. It all happened randomly. I say this because it was through friendships that we met. I never would have spoken to her if not for two completely unrelated friends bringing us to an event.

You gotta find yourself having fun with friends before you find a partner. I would wager that is a healthy way to go about things. Just get out and talk to some friends.

I have 0 friends. Besides as a kid i always had been long for like 20 years by now.

Maybe try travel? Bring your laptop / deck / switch so you can game on the road. But do it from some place new. If you can work from home, maybe try moving around on short term rentals. Doesn't need to be anything exotic, could be the next town over.

Anything to break up your routine a bit. Don't look at it as a means to an end. Try and enjoy the journey itself

I don't have a job anymore. I live with my mother.

One: self reflection. Write your thoughts out regularly, reflect on them, this will enable you to self actualize.

Two: learn to enjoy your own company. Go to movies alone if you like, go on trips alone, do things you enjoy alone, and thoroughly enjoy them. Doesn't matter if it's a hobby or whatever or if you commit to it or not, the only requirement is that you enjoy it. Put your energy into things that make you happy.

If you're having trouble finding things you enjoy, I highly suggest therapy, but also exploration. Go out of your comfort zone and try things. But absolutely therapy because it may help you figure some things out that you didn't know were holding you back.

The more you enjoy your own company, the more confident you become. Confidence helps with your own happiness, it helps you understand what you deserve, it helps you meet people and make friends and build meaningful connections.

And when I say enjoy I mean actually enjoy, not just pretend to. You will know the difference as this is for you and not a performance for others.

Godspeed.