You have someone whose family is now your extended family
Disadvantage:
You have to talk to someone
You have to eat with someone
You have to have sex with someone
You have to pool resources with someone
You have more fucking family you have to do things with
In a good relationsship, you don't have to do anything like this, you do it because you want to.
Talk - A good partner will recognize when you need space and leave you alone.
Eat - You can eat at different times depending on your schedule, just remember to consider the other person when cooking and do the washing up after yourself.
Sex - no, you don't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to, or when you don't want to.
Resources - no you can have separate finances, but it is usually beneficial to pool your resources.
Family - not everyone has a happy family, or a family at all, this is not a given.
Just to clarify #1 - while it is implied under "will recognize" - that recognition may come from being told by their partner they need space, not necessarily from recognizing cues or intuition. And that's okay, good communication is key in relationships.
Oh, absolutely!
Sex - no, you don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to, or when you don’t want to.
Of course, as with most things, but that doesn't mean that you can't feel pressured to do something because you want your partner to be happy, and they want to do it. You always have the right to refuse, but "I don't want to do X, but I know my partner does, so I do want to do X because I want to make them happy" is an intrinsic downside of a relationship. In turn, you should always be able to say no, and your partner should respect that because they know it wouldn't make you happy, and that's more important than getting what they want. "You can just say no" is true, but it also bypasses the entire point of the conversation around what makes being in a relationship difficult.
A thing I didn't understand before getting into a long term commitment with my partner was the money impact:
Our combined expenses are lower than our individual expenses were. I have happily slept next to this person in a small tent, even though I hate tents. This effect scales to making all kinds of little things more tolerable and somehow cheaper.
An accountability partner has made me both stick to my budget more often, and cheat on my budget at better, more memorable times.
I had always heard that a spouse and kids were cost, cost, cost. I was surprised to learn how much money shared expenses saves.
Kids are still really fucking expensive, though. They didn't lie about that.
One of the things I look forward to when we eventually move in together is that we will be able to cook for two more often. It leads to far more reasonable recipes and portions with less food waste. Most cooking for one is either you end up having to freeze a lot of stuff, or you make single serving but low nutrition meals. Instant noodles and frozen dinners just make more sense than cooking something real when you are flying solo
One of the things I look forward to when we eventually move in together is that we will be able to cook for two more often.
Yes. It absolutely lives up to the hype.
If you are in a (romantic, personal) relationship, then it is not transactional. Cost/benefit analysis is not really applicable.
Nobody, so far, has addressed the physical intimacy bit, to my satisfaction.
There's kinds of intimacy satisfaction that are only possible after years and years of practice and communication. That usually also includes sex, but it doesn't have to.
There's something special about being touched (and not touched!) at just the right time, in just the right way.
Those of us in relationships that are really long running tend not to talk about it, because it doesn't make everyone who hears it better off, since there's a ton of luck involved in finding a long term partner for it.
On the flip side, if your long-term relationship is not like what this person is describing and intimacy has dwindled to an occasional uninspired surprise, but your relationship is such an integral part of your day to day life that you are unable to make changes, then the whole thing kinda sucks.
So I've heard. From a friend.
For what it's worth, I've been there. I was pretty sure we were headed towards divorce (my decision) because my partner's sex drive just wasn't a match. I was sticking around to setup my partner to be more financially stable when things started to turn around.
Tons of practice at (super awkward , at first, and always naked) communication is the main thing that helped us past all that.
Also, some natural life changes happened, like the kids getting older and becoming less effort.
It can get better with time and a lot of talking about it.
Assuming a healthy, loving relationship:
Advantages
You always have someone in your corner. Someone who will stand next to you and face whatever comes. Someone who will listen to your fears and anxieties, and reassure you. Someone who can take one look at your face and know that you need a hug, or a tickle monster attack, or a cup of tea.
You have someone who considers you vital to their happiness. You're the person in their corner. You get to love, support, and nurture them just as they do for you.
You have a built-in partner for things like camping, traveling, going to trivia night at the local bar. Someone who will bring you a beer when you're too lazy to get up from the couch. Someone who you can make smile just by bringing them coffee in bed.
You can be yourself! They love you just the way you are, you lil weirdo.
The stability that comes from a relationship with mutual respect, cooperation, and negotiation is really comforting.
Disadvantages
You lose some spontaneity for doing things solo, because you need to check with your partner to make sure you don't already have plans.
Sometimes you have to hide snack foods if you hope to get your fair share. We have a drawer in our fridge that didn't get much use. I started squirreling away cans of sparkling water in there because if I didn't hide them, they'd all be gone by the time I decided I wanted one.
You can get into a rut, but neither one tries to change it on the assumption that the other one is happy that way.
Sometimes they toot in bed 😡
You lose some spontaneity for doing things solo, because you need to check with your partner to make sure you don’t already have plans.
This isn't really inherent to relationships unless you count "friendships", too.
Not all relationships are deeply entangled. I have a partner that makes their own plans without checking with me. We use a calendar to keep track of like "we're doing such and such Friday" so we don't double book or forget, but that kind of "loss of spontaneity" would happen if it was "trivia night with the guys" or "dinner with friend"
You can get into a rut, but neither one tries to change it on the assumption that the other one is happy that way.
So true!
I wish someone had warned me about that.
I specifically wish I had learned the power of the phrase "how is this working for you?" sooner.
Nice to have a fulltime friend
It tends to change what you're free to do every day
That's a working model, but I think there are different types of relationships. A type of relationship would be an element of the power set of { friendship, romance, sex }.
One person might only like relationships without sex, another might dislike the whole romance part,...
Each of these aspects of a relaionship has their advantages and disadvantages. The relationship as a whole is just the sum of them.
Using coding markdown to explain types of relationships? Yyyyup we're on Lemmy, baby. And I wouldn't have it any other way ❤️
You're the first person I've ever seen use the concept of a power set to describe what kinds of relationships there can be and I wish more people knew what that was so I could preach this like gospel.
That said, our relationship is Ø but it could quickly become {friendship} if we ever met
Third answer, then I'm done.
Disadvantages, and how I mitigate them:
Shift in hobbies. We have shared passions and different passions. There are some hobbies that my partner doesn't love that I don't love enough to do without my partner. I still make time, alone, for my favorite solo hobbies. So does my partner. We have more shared hobbies now. And we have some parallel hobbies (where do we totally separate things, at the same time, and sometimes we compete to be the most boring in hope that the kids will get into the other partner's hobby, instead, for a few minutes.)
I had a weird belief that I should stop masturbating once in a relationship. It took me awhile to figure out that, sure, there can be a timing aspect to having a particularly good time, but what everyone really loves is someone who can still take care of themselves.
Time alone - my partner and I try to send each-other out, alone, at least a couple times each month. We're all objectively delightful, but everyone needs a break.
Sleeping together is nice, sometimes sleeping alone is better. I'm increasingly a subscriber to John Hodgeman's opinion that everyone, who can, should try to set up a "guest" sleeping spot for either spouse to retreat to. A recliner can be great, because it's often when someone had a cold and needs to sleep elevated anyway.
Religion and politics. My religious and political beliefs have shifted continentally since I committed to my partner. So have my partner's, and not always in the same direction. I choose my partner over my favorite politician or pastor. This wasn't a hard choice for me - my favorite politician and my favorite pastor have never touched me in ways that arouse me... Thankfully.
Sleeping together is nice, sometimes sleeping alone is better. I'm increasingly a subscriber to John Hodgeman's opinion that everyone, who can, should try to set up a "guest" sleeping spot for either spouse to retreat to. A recliner can be great, because it's often when someone had a cold and needs to sleep elevated anyway.
My SO and I sleep alone because I move too much in my sleep. My bff and their SO does the same for similar reasons. Sleeping separately doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it’s a practicality.
Sleeping separately doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it’s a practicality.
Yeah. I felt silly that it took me so long to figure out that my partner was not worried about it. They do love some cuddles, but I've found plenty of ways to make that happen.
my favorite politician and my favorite pastor have never touched me in ways that arouse me... Thankfully.
This is not a problem for the vast majority of people but I was always told that women don't want to have sex but turns out that they do and this is bit of an issue as I don't particularly enjoy that myself.
Another issue is that I like being alone but not all day every day but being in a relationship means I have to leave the house to be alone.
It's interesting because one of the reasons I've never dated is because 99% of people on the planet want and need sex in a relationship. I don't want sex so I figured why bother attempting to date. Well I found out about asexual dating sites and have been casually on them for a while now, but it's tricky because no one has been close enough to meet. And I don't know what the hell people do in LDRs if it doesn't revolve around sex. Wishing you the best.
Thanks! I actually am in a relationship right now and it's an open one so she doesn't need to completely live without sex but I still can't help but to feel like I'm not doing my part. It's just one of those things that don't really have a perfect solution to it. Not having sex doesn't feel right but forcing myself into it to please her isn't right either especially knowing that it's what I've done in my previous relationships which only has made me resent sex even more.
You are never alone…
This counts as both.
Main advantage: You feel whole
Main disadvantage: You always have your plate full because you got a little more than wholeness
You trade off freedom for companionship basically, but in a good relationship you can still have a good amount of freedom still (you just need to consider the needs of your partner too).
Relationships take effort and compromise; communicating can be hard (but it's probably the most important thing in a relationship).
Not being in a committed relationship, it's a lot easier to live without as many obligations.
Also, if you live together you can pool your resources both financially and effort-wise which can help a lot.
Good things: you get someone to spend time with. Frequent sex. Someone to share your world with.b you tell your secrets, you trust them
Bad things: they have their own needs, even when it isn't convenient for you. You have to accept that you're a partnership, and their judgement is important. You trust them, whether or not they deserve it. You are open and vulnerable, which means you're vulnerable. Sex can be mechanical and unfulfilling. Your growth needs to include them
There are many different kinds of relationships, and they have their own advantages and disadvantages.
For example, someone might say that being in a relationship means you can only have sex with that one person. That's only true if you're doing a conventional monogamous relationship. Many people happily and successfully do some form of ethical non monogamy.
ENM in turn has its own advantages and disadvantages. One of them is a high frequency of people going "I knew a non monogamous couple and they broke up" despite the fact that most monogamous couples break up, too. Just to get ahead of that.
Anyway. One of the common advantages I value is that people you have a relationship with are less likely to blow you off. A casual friend might bail on your invite, but it's less likely a good friend or partner will.
The most common disadvantage is you'll probably have to do some emotional work at some point. They'll be having a problem and you'll have to be there for them. That can be tough.
Pro: sex.
Con: you live longer
They might want you to shower and clean your flat - clear advantage.
Disadvantage: you may be expected to tell other interested parties that you can only engage in casual sex, since your heart is already taken.
Also: fucking without a heart-on is not as satisfactory as making love.
I would not consider cheating to be an upside or downside of a healthy relationship, because it shouldn't be a part of one at all.
i didn't talk about cheating
Engaging in casual sex with other people is, in most relationships, cheating. Wishing it could be more is cheating in the rest.
Losing your virginity, sex and reproduction for what I've seen. Monetary back up (not always and slightly more beneficial for women).
The need to put up with other people's shit. Sacrifice your "me" time. Meeting people you don't care about. Being related by proxy to people you don't care about it. Giving up your freedom. Being manipulated in certain way just because otherwise you won't have sex. Discussions, discussions discussions. If married, high probability of divorce.
Very incel way of looking at relationship.
For real. Sex is great, sure. What I want for all of the parts of the relationship that aren't having sex is mostly just someone I really like hanging out with
That's you though.
I don't hate women. So no. I hate how that term is thrown if people don't wanna accept your way of living.
Incel doesn't exactly only mean hating woman, incel is basically why you're still single, then you blame it on everything else other than you, hating woman are just a part of it. If someone doesn't want to accept your way of living, then find someone else.
I'm not blaming anything. I'm well aware what an average semi attractive woman wants from a man. I will never be those things. That's not me, I never cared about being those things.
I will never be those things.
Before I was in a relationship, I was 100% wrong about what "those things" actually are, for what that's worth.
You're a minority, women want most of the time chatting and socially active strong men able to carry a conversation, manly enough to create a home and have a decent amount of money but delicate enough to be romantic. I can't do any of those things. Admit it, that's the majority of women.
So, have you been in past relationships where you learned this or from some sort of observation (going on dates for example)?
I've never been in a relationship. I know this by proxy, average, heard things, data. You don't need to be in a relationship to notice these things dude. Again, if the requirements for a relationship would be as low as the other dude says they were, then people like me wouldn't exist.
So is your relationship abstinence due to striking out because your personality or idea of relationships doesn’t fit the norm and you can’t find a suitable partner, or has your perception of relationships kept you from pursuing relationships entirely?
You basically asked the same thing again. I'm not a good candidate, I don't have a job and when I had one was low income, I'm not social at all, i hate going out to do fun stuff, I don't want to engage or entangle with "her family", I don't drive or own a car, I don't have my own place, I'm not physically strong or good looking and I don't care about being it. I'm not charming or romantic and hate conversations. Would you date me if I you were a girl? No right? That's my point.
I didn’t ask the same question, and you avoided answering mine which was: have you tried or have you just considered yourself a failure?
I became friends with a guy like you, and I had money so I took him places and paid for things because we had fun together. Your situation isn’t hopeless, but your attitude is. Yes, if you want to have a relationship, you do have to be personable because that’s the only way someone would want to hang out with you. You listed all the negative things about your situation but nothing about your hobbies, what you like to do. Okay, you don’t like to “go out and have fun” but do you like to stay in and have fun? My friend and I often played video games together, is that an option?
There are detriments on your list that sound negative not only to a potential partner, but to you. Do you want to have a job? Do you want to have your own place? If so, what’s stopping you? I know you were reading that ex-incel post, so you know many people started by focusing on what they wanted to improve in their lives and forgetting about relationships. You are in a negative place, and I will bet that it’s not just about relationships but about yourself.
Btw, my friend is in a poly relationship now, got his GED, moved to his own place, went to trade school, and works at a news station. The most important thing is he is more confident, comfortable with himself as he is, and happy. It’s not impossible, but you do have to do the work.
You’ll probably have an angry response to this, but I don’t want anyone to think they are a lost cause because that’s what their brain is saying and how society makes them feel, so I just wanted to say something.
Edit: Just to answer your question: I can not say if I would want to date you because I don’t know you. All you talked about was your life situation, not your personality: likes, hobbies, tastes in music, etc. Being compatible in those things would help me determine that.
You didn't said anything. Again if what you had said was the truth then I wouldn't be single.
This is exactly what people are referring to when they say you sound like an incel, fyi
Again. Incorrect
Doubt it. Every single person who's seen you talk in this thread has agreed. That should be your trigger to say "I wonder why that is". Or ignore the outside world, but then why post here?
This is an incel attitude. The notion that "all women" want any single thing, let alone this caricature is gross. It's insulting to women and men alike, and betrays that your mindset is immature, ill-informed, and toxic.
women want most of the time chatting and socially active strong men able to carry a conversation, manly enough to create a home and have a decent amount of money but delicate enough to be romantic.
That is also what I thought. And I was mostly wrong.
Everyone is unique. Stereotypes usually exist for reasons, but exceptions are much more common than I realized.
I am, genuinely, several of those things, at least a small fraction of the time.
But that's not my secret.
I'll share my key attributes that really worked:
My current partner lived in a shitty situation. Physically shitty. I fixed a bunch of gaps in the walls with a can a "great stuff". We were just friends at the time, and I wasn't looking for anything. It's just something I knew how to do, and my friend's friend (now my long term partner) needed it done. I was fucking clueless how much this meant to them, at the time.
Presently, how I maintain my relationship:
I'm sometimes really deeply shitty at talking to people, so I usually use few words and choose them carefully. My (valid) fear of fucking up is a kind of super power for avoiding dumb partner fights.
I still fix stuff. I'm not afraid of getting dirty, and YouTube academy has been very good to me.
I ask questions during any kind of physical interaction. Mainly "do you want to be touched there?" and "How does that feel?"
I still follow a strict budget, even though I now make good money. I've heard money fights are a big thing, but making and mostly sticking to a written budget has let me dodge that bullet.
Stereotype exist because it's a reality. You being lucky has nothing to do with that. I could try to do what you had done 50 times without any results.
Put this on the positive list. Usually this makes you stronger and a better person.
Is not a positive, ESPECIALLY if you don't want to. Also not everyone wants to be a better person... Whatever the hell that means.
OK, so it is a positive ESPECIALLY for the ones who just come out of a childish defiant phase... ;-)
Not funny. You really think you're better than me only because you want to fit in? You thinking that anyone who thinks different than you is childish, IS CHILDISH.
You really think you're better than me
I really tried to rephrase it in a way that would exclude you. Seems you still feel personally offended. Now I can't help it.
Bullshit. That was your intention.
I find this perspective unfortunate. It is interesting to see how other people view relationships, but I'm not sure I like what I see. This doesn't seem healthy.
Majority of things we do aren't healthy. Also maybe for the fragile isn't healthy, but for me it is. Be loyal to me, I'm loyal to you, love me and I'll love you, belong to me and I'll belong to you, that's it. Why complicate things with more bullshit?
You're being downvoting because people believe in the "romantic ideal" and never analyzed how relationships really look like for a large number of people.
What you write about is not a good thing but unfortunately that's how most people practice relationships.
Well "most" might be a too strong of a qualifier. Depends a lot on the culture. If you come from a culture where marriage is so important that's almost mandatory, the above kind of relationship is inevitable.
Some of those cons could be true, but I think the bigger problem is that they only listed "sex and money" as the only pros.
What are you doing in a relationship if that person isn't basically a really good friend that you can laugh with, do hobbies with, watch and talk about movies with, share music with, etc.
Sure you might have to hang out with mutual friends you don't love (Though a good partner won't force you to). You do need to spend time on their hobbies and likes if you don't specifically share them. I'm not sure if I can vouch for the rest, though, those are some cons where you need to be really selective and find like minds to be with (don't like to speak very often).
the other two (manipulated for sex, fear of divorce) are more like things you should go to therapy to learn not to tolerate or worry about, respectively.
Absolutely, I agree with you completely.
And I actually believe finding a life partner is possible. There are good examples out there.
It's just when you come from a, let's call it heteronormative (word of the day) environment, you are constantly pressured into being in a relationship. With anyone. Doesn't matter if you want it. It leads to awful mental health.
That and if the idea of being lonely frightens you or makes you sad it can be easy to want to latch onto anyone, that's really easy to fall into.
Also, unless they meant fear of breaking up, there's no need to fear being divorced if you just don't get married. Not everybody wants or needs to get married, that also sort of falls into the "take your time and really assess the partner" idea
I've said this before, my mother and father weren't friends. Yet they were married for 11 years. That's more than many friends being married. Is not necessary.
It's not necessary, no, but it can totally be a pro, unless you just don't want to be friends with your lover.
Basically what I've said, some people don't want friends.
So are you a loner or you don’t want a friend who is constantly around?
I don't wanna people around besides my partner and I don't want her relatives around me. It seems like these days is impossible to have a relationship that is just you and your woman, or you and your man and that's it. There's always someone else.
How exactly do you expect to find someone who you want to be around when you by your own admission hate literally all interactions with other people? Newsflash: sex is a social interaction. Are you imagining that she's just going to pop out of a lamp like a Genie? And where does she go after you blow your load? Do you just put her back in the closet like a blow-up doll?
Just admit that what you really want is a sex worker and be honest. It sounds like you have no interest in tolerating someone else's presence unless they are actively banging you. A relationship is about so much more than just sex.
So does that extend to her friends as well? Or is it just family you have a problem with? Also, is it about family that is constantly around and in your business or just that the family feels like they’re part of the relationship too?
Pro: Never alone
Con: Never alone
Accurate.
Advantage:
Disadvantage:
In a good relationsship, you don't have to do anything like this, you do it because you want to.
Just to clarify #1 - while it is implied under "will recognize" - that recognition may come from being told by their partner they need space, not necessarily from recognizing cues or intuition. And that's okay, good communication is key in relationships.
Oh, absolutely!
Of course, as with most things, but that doesn't mean that you can't feel pressured to do something because you want your partner to be happy, and they want to do it. You always have the right to refuse, but "I don't want to do X, but I know my partner does, so I do want to do X because I want to make them happy" is an intrinsic downside of a relationship. In turn, you should always be able to say no, and your partner should respect that because they know it wouldn't make you happy, and that's more important than getting what they want. "You can just say no" is true, but it also bypasses the entire point of the conversation around what makes being in a relationship difficult.
A thing I didn't understand before getting into a long term commitment with my partner was the money impact:
I had always heard that a spouse and kids were cost, cost, cost. I was surprised to learn how much money shared expenses saves.
Kids are still really fucking expensive, though. They didn't lie about that.
One of the things I look forward to when we eventually move in together is that we will be able to cook for two more often. It leads to far more reasonable recipes and portions with less food waste. Most cooking for one is either you end up having to freeze a lot of stuff, or you make single serving but low nutrition meals. Instant noodles and frozen dinners just make more sense than cooking something real when you are flying solo
Yes. It absolutely lives up to the hype.
If you are in a (romantic, personal) relationship, then it is not transactional. Cost/benefit analysis is not really applicable.
Nobody, so far, has addressed the physical intimacy bit, to my satisfaction.
There's kinds of intimacy satisfaction that are only possible after years and years of practice and communication. That usually also includes sex, but it doesn't have to.
There's something special about being touched (and not touched!) at just the right time, in just the right way.
Those of us in relationships that are really long running tend not to talk about it, because it doesn't make everyone who hears it better off, since there's a ton of luck involved in finding a long term partner for it.
On the flip side, if your long-term relationship is not like what this person is describing and intimacy has dwindled to an occasional uninspired surprise, but your relationship is such an integral part of your day to day life that you are unable to make changes, then the whole thing kinda sucks.
So I've heard. From a friend.
For what it's worth, I've been there. I was pretty sure we were headed towards divorce (my decision) because my partner's sex drive just wasn't a match. I was sticking around to setup my partner to be more financially stable when things started to turn around.
Tons of practice at (super awkward , at first, and always naked) communication is the main thing that helped us past all that.
Also, some natural life changes happened, like the kids getting older and becoming less effort.
It can get better with time and a lot of talking about it.
Assuming a healthy, loving relationship:
Advantages
You always have someone in your corner. Someone who will stand next to you and face whatever comes. Someone who will listen to your fears and anxieties, and reassure you. Someone who can take one look at your face and know that you need a hug, or a tickle monster attack, or a cup of tea.
You have someone who considers you vital to their happiness. You're the person in their corner. You get to love, support, and nurture them just as they do for you.
You have a built-in partner for things like camping, traveling, going to trivia night at the local bar. Someone who will bring you a beer when you're too lazy to get up from the couch. Someone who you can make smile just by bringing them coffee in bed.
You can be yourself! They love you just the way you are, you lil weirdo.
The stability that comes from a relationship with mutual respect, cooperation, and negotiation is really comforting.
Disadvantages
You lose some spontaneity for doing things solo, because you need to check with your partner to make sure you don't already have plans.
Sometimes you have to hide snack foods if you hope to get your fair share. We have a drawer in our fridge that didn't get much use. I started squirreling away cans of sparkling water in there because if I didn't hide them, they'd all be gone by the time I decided I wanted one.
You can get into a rut, but neither one tries to change it on the assumption that the other one is happy that way.
Sometimes they toot in bed 😡
This isn't really inherent to relationships unless you count "friendships", too.
Not all relationships are deeply entangled. I have a partner that makes their own plans without checking with me. We use a calendar to keep track of like "we're doing such and such Friday" so we don't double book or forget, but that kind of "loss of spontaneity" would happen if it was "trivia night with the guys" or "dinner with friend"
So true!
I wish someone had warned me about that.
I specifically wish I had learned the power of the phrase "how is this working for you?" sooner.
Nice to have a fulltime friend
It tends to change what you're free to do every day
That's a working model, but I think there are different types of relationships. A type of relationship would be an element of the power set of {
friendship,romance,sex}.One person might only like relationships without
sex, another might dislike the wholeromancepart,...Each of these aspects of a relaionship has their advantages and disadvantages. The relationship as a whole is just the sum of them.
Using coding markdown to explain types of relationships? Yyyyup we're on Lemmy, baby. And I wouldn't have it any other way ❤️
You're the first person I've ever seen use the concept of a power set to describe what kinds of relationships there can be and I wish more people knew what that was so I could preach this like gospel.
That said, our relationship is
Øbut it could quickly become {friendship} if we ever metThird answer, then I'm done.
Disadvantages, and how I mitigate them:
My SO and I sleep alone because I move too much in my sleep. My bff and their SO does the same for similar reasons. Sleeping separately doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, it’s a practicality.
Yeah. I felt silly that it took me so long to figure out that my partner was not worried about it. They do love some cuddles, but I've found plenty of ways to make that happen.
This is not a problem for the vast majority of people but I was always told that women don't want to have sex but turns out that they do and this is bit of an issue as I don't particularly enjoy that myself.
Another issue is that I like being alone but not all day every day but being in a relationship means I have to leave the house to be alone.
It's interesting because one of the reasons I've never dated is because 99% of people on the planet want and need sex in a relationship. I don't want sex so I figured why bother attempting to date. Well I found out about asexual dating sites and have been casually on them for a while now, but it's tricky because no one has been close enough to meet. And I don't know what the hell people do in LDRs if it doesn't revolve around sex. Wishing you the best.
Thanks! I actually am in a relationship right now and it's an open one so she doesn't need to completely live without sex but I still can't help but to feel like I'm not doing my part. It's just one of those things that don't really have a perfect solution to it. Not having sex doesn't feel right but forcing myself into it to please her isn't right either especially knowing that it's what I've done in my previous relationships which only has made me resent sex even more.
You are never alone…
This counts as both.
Main advantage: You feel whole
Main disadvantage: You always have your plate full because you got a little more than wholeness
You trade off freedom for companionship basically, but in a good relationship you can still have a good amount of freedom still (you just need to consider the needs of your partner too).
Relationships take effort and compromise; communicating can be hard (but it's probably the most important thing in a relationship).
Not being in a committed relationship, it's a lot easier to live without as many obligations.
Also, if you live together you can pool your resources both financially and effort-wise which can help a lot.
Good things: you get someone to spend time with. Frequent sex. Someone to share your world with.b you tell your secrets, you trust them
Bad things: they have their own needs, even when it isn't convenient for you. You have to accept that you're a partnership, and their judgement is important. You trust them, whether or not they deserve it. You are open and vulnerable, which means you're vulnerable. Sex can be mechanical and unfulfilling. Your growth needs to include them
There are many different kinds of relationships, and they have their own advantages and disadvantages.
For example, someone might say that being in a relationship means you can only have sex with that one person. That's only true if you're doing a conventional monogamous relationship. Many people happily and successfully do some form of ethical non monogamy.
ENM in turn has its own advantages and disadvantages. One of them is a high frequency of people going "I knew a non monogamous couple and they broke up" despite the fact that most monogamous couples break up, too. Just to get ahead of that.
Anyway. One of the common advantages I value is that people you have a relationship with are less likely to blow you off. A casual friend might bail on your invite, but it's less likely a good friend or partner will.
The most common disadvantage is you'll probably have to do some emotional work at some point. They'll be having a problem and you'll have to be there for them. That can be tough.
Pro: sex.
Con: you live longer
They might want you to shower and clean your flat - clear advantage. Disadvantage: you may be expected to tell other interested parties that you can only engage in casual sex, since your heart is already taken. Also: fucking without a heart-on is not as satisfactory as making love.
I would not consider cheating to be an upside or downside of a healthy relationship, because it shouldn't be a part of one at all.
i didn't talk about cheating
Engaging in casual sex with other people is, in most relationships, cheating. Wishing it could be more is cheating in the rest.
Losing your virginity, sex and reproduction for what I've seen. Monetary back up (not always and slightly more beneficial for women).
The need to put up with other people's shit. Sacrifice your "me" time. Meeting people you don't care about. Being related by proxy to people you don't care about it. Giving up your freedom. Being manipulated in certain way just because otherwise you won't have sex. Discussions, discussions discussions. If married, high probability of divorce.
Very incel way of looking at relationship.
For real. Sex is great, sure. What I want for all of the parts of the relationship that aren't having sex is mostly just someone I really like hanging out with
That's you though.
I don't hate women. So no. I hate how that term is thrown if people don't wanna accept your way of living.
Incel doesn't exactly only mean hating woman, incel is basically why you're still single, then you blame it on everything else other than you, hating woman are just a part of it. If someone doesn't want to accept your way of living, then find someone else.
I'm not blaming anything. I'm well aware what an average semi attractive woman wants from a man. I will never be those things. That's not me, I never cared about being those things.
Before I was in a relationship, I was 100% wrong about what "those things" actually are, for what that's worth.
You're a minority, women want most of the time chatting and socially active strong men able to carry a conversation, manly enough to create a home and have a decent amount of money but delicate enough to be romantic. I can't do any of those things. Admit it, that's the majority of women.
So, have you been in past relationships where you learned this or from some sort of observation (going on dates for example)?
I've never been in a relationship. I know this by proxy, average, heard things, data. You don't need to be in a relationship to notice these things dude. Again, if the requirements for a relationship would be as low as the other dude says they were, then people like me wouldn't exist.
So is your relationship abstinence due to striking out because your personality or idea of relationships doesn’t fit the norm and you can’t find a suitable partner, or has your perception of relationships kept you from pursuing relationships entirely?
You basically asked the same thing again. I'm not a good candidate, I don't have a job and when I had one was low income, I'm not social at all, i hate going out to do fun stuff, I don't want to engage or entangle with "her family", I don't drive or own a car, I don't have my own place, I'm not physically strong or good looking and I don't care about being it. I'm not charming or romantic and hate conversations. Would you date me if I you were a girl? No right? That's my point.
I didn’t ask the same question, and you avoided answering mine which was: have you tried or have you just considered yourself a failure?
I became friends with a guy like you, and I had money so I took him places and paid for things because we had fun together. Your situation isn’t hopeless, but your attitude is. Yes, if you want to have a relationship, you do have to be personable because that’s the only way someone would want to hang out with you. You listed all the negative things about your situation but nothing about your hobbies, what you like to do. Okay, you don’t like to “go out and have fun” but do you like to stay in and have fun? My friend and I often played video games together, is that an option?
There are detriments on your list that sound negative not only to a potential partner, but to you. Do you want to have a job? Do you want to have your own place? If so, what’s stopping you? I know you were reading that ex-incel post, so you know many people started by focusing on what they wanted to improve in their lives and forgetting about relationships. You are in a negative place, and I will bet that it’s not just about relationships but about yourself.
Btw, my friend is in a poly relationship now, got his GED, moved to his own place, went to trade school, and works at a news station. The most important thing is he is more confident, comfortable with himself as he is, and happy. It’s not impossible, but you do have to do the work.
You’ll probably have an angry response to this, but I don’t want anyone to think they are a lost cause because that’s what their brain is saying and how society makes them feel, so I just wanted to say something.
Edit: Just to answer your question: I can not say if I would want to date you because I don’t know you. All you talked about was your life situation, not your personality: likes, hobbies, tastes in music, etc. Being compatible in those things would help me determine that.
See, that's what i'm saying.
You didn't said anything. Again if what you had said was the truth then I wouldn't be single.
This is exactly what people are referring to when they say you sound like an incel, fyi
Again. Incorrect
Doubt it. Every single person who's seen you talk in this thread has agreed. That should be your trigger to say "I wonder why that is". Or ignore the outside world, but then why post here?
This is an incel attitude. The notion that "all women" want any single thing, let alone this caricature is gross. It's insulting to women and men alike, and betrays that your mindset is immature, ill-informed, and toxic.
That is also what I thought. And I was mostly wrong.
Everyone is unique. Stereotypes usually exist for reasons, but exceptions are much more common than I realized.
I am, genuinely, several of those things, at least a small fraction of the time.
But that's not my secret.
I'll share my key attributes that really worked:
Presently, how I maintain my relationship:
Stereotype exist because it's a reality. You being lucky has nothing to do with that. I could try to do what you had done 50 times without any results.
Put this on the positive list. Usually this makes you stronger and a better person.
Is not a positive, ESPECIALLY if you don't want to. Also not everyone wants to be a better person... Whatever the hell that means.
OK, so it is a positive ESPECIALLY for the ones who just come out of a childish defiant phase... ;-)
Not funny. You really think you're better than me only because you want to fit in? You thinking that anyone who thinks different than you is childish, IS CHILDISH.
I really tried to rephrase it in a way that would exclude you. Seems you still feel personally offended. Now I can't help it.
Bullshit. That was your intention.
I find this perspective unfortunate. It is interesting to see how other people view relationships, but I'm not sure I like what I see. This doesn't seem healthy.
Majority of things we do aren't healthy. Also maybe for the fragile isn't healthy, but for me it is. Be loyal to me, I'm loyal to you, love me and I'll love you, belong to me and I'll belong to you, that's it. Why complicate things with more bullshit?
You're being downvoting because people believe in the "romantic ideal" and never analyzed how relationships really look like for a large number of people.
What you write about is not a good thing but unfortunately that's how most people practice relationships.
Well "most" might be a too strong of a qualifier. Depends a lot on the culture. If you come from a culture where marriage is so important that's almost mandatory, the above kind of relationship is inevitable.
Some of those cons could be true, but I think the bigger problem is that they only listed "sex and money" as the only pros.
What are you doing in a relationship if that person isn't basically a really good friend that you can laugh with, do hobbies with, watch and talk about movies with, share music with, etc.
Sure you might have to hang out with mutual friends you don't love (Though a good partner won't force you to). You do need to spend time on their hobbies and likes if you don't specifically share them. I'm not sure if I can vouch for the rest, though, those are some cons where you need to be really selective and find like minds to be with (don't like to speak very often).
the other two (manipulated for sex, fear of divorce) are more like things you should go to therapy to learn not to tolerate or worry about, respectively.
Absolutely, I agree with you completely. And I actually believe finding a life partner is possible. There are good examples out there.
It's just when you come from a, let's call it heteronormative (word of the day) environment, you are constantly pressured into being in a relationship. With anyone. Doesn't matter if you want it. It leads to awful mental health.
That and if the idea of being lonely frightens you or makes you sad it can be easy to want to latch onto anyone, that's really easy to fall into.
Also, unless they meant fear of breaking up, there's no need to fear being divorced if you just don't get married. Not everybody wants or needs to get married, that also sort of falls into the "take your time and really assess the partner" idea
I've said this before, my mother and father weren't friends. Yet they were married for 11 years. That's more than many friends being married. Is not necessary.
It's not necessary, no, but it can totally be a pro, unless you just don't want to be friends with your lover.
Basically what I've said, some people don't want friends.
So are you a loner or you don’t want a friend who is constantly around?
I don't wanna people around besides my partner and I don't want her relatives around me. It seems like these days is impossible to have a relationship that is just you and your woman, or you and your man and that's it. There's always someone else.
How exactly do you expect to find someone who you want to be around when you by your own admission hate literally all interactions with other people? Newsflash: sex is a social interaction. Are you imagining that she's just going to pop out of a lamp like a Genie? And where does she go after you blow your load? Do you just put her back in the closet like a blow-up doll?
Just admit that what you really want is a sex worker and be honest. It sounds like you have no interest in tolerating someone else's presence unless they are actively banging you. A relationship is about so much more than just sex.
So does that extend to her friends as well? Or is it just family you have a problem with? Also, is it about family that is constantly around and in your business or just that the family feels like they’re part of the relationship too?