My wife and I were best friends before getting married. I'm a social butterfly and pop from place to place and she is a ginormous introvert. Neither of us were lonely but loved the adventures we had together. Ten plus years into our marriage and nearly fourteen into our friendship, we still do most things together. Her friends come and go, and she's the one who understands me deeply and more than anyone else on this planet, and yet we find solace in each other, friendship, and a partnership neither of us expected. Marriage is not for everyone, it's a lot of work, it's a lot of trust, but mostly it's not there to fix a problem. If you go into it broken looking for something else, you may never find it. In the end, it takes two complete people to make it work.
I married my husband because I love him, not because I didn’t want to be lonely.
It's occurred to me that if my wife ever cheated on me, maybe instead of getting upset I could just make friends with her boyfriend. We'd already have it in common that we like having sex with my wife so maybe we'd have other stuff in common, too.
🧐
If nothing else, it would be funny if instead of either of us taking her out we were both like "sorry, babe, we're busy playing video games."
Tunnel bros FTW
Welcome to polyamory! Lol
A man who is unable to set very fundamental boundaries in a relationship is not a real man. If you enter a relationship with the intention of having a monogamous marriage, then get cucked, then accept it, it means you have no spine. Any "boundaries" that you loosely claim to have, really don't exist. How are you supposed to be a father? Children need a man as a father, not a spineless cuck.
I can respect a man more who just has casual sex/one-night-stands. Because there is a possibility that he can set boundaries once he actually enters a relationship, whereas with you, it's a certainty that you cannot.
Oh I mean IRL I would probably react harshly to my wife breaking that boundary, but the worst case scenario is that she does it with someone who's got terrible vibes and just cannot hang.
I think it is quite unfair towards someone to be with them only because otherwise you wouldn't have any friends. Unless of course you both know about that.
Many people do not invest in relationships and that is the main reason they end up alone. I have seen this in other couples a lot.
For example, my father always tagged along but never had any respect for the work my mother put into relationships with friends and families. When they divorced my father became a grumpy and lonely old man who gets increasingly awkward the longer he spends cooped up alone.
He believes his way out is finding another woman. He seems to be unable to understand that it shouldn't be another person's job to "make" his social life...
A partner is no replacement for friends and they can't be the stand in for all other relationships.
Wow could not agree more. Though there are some other mental health factors that can be involved here.
I wish it was as easy as it was when we were kids and on the playground. You would just show someone your sweet dinosaur toy and ask them to play with you and boom friends for life. Or until mom got tired of sitting in the bench. Whichever happened first.
With the real ones out there, you can still do that at any age!
I watch my son walk to another kid with a ball and nonchalantly ask: "wanna play?", and I feel a tear swell up.
My partner passed away recently and I found myself suddenly alone in the world. A few friends have their own lifes so I joined a hiking group and it was the best decision of my life. Always looking forward to get back on the trail with like minded people where I made new friends. Lots of single people there so yeah we are human and we need companionship.
i'm really sorry for your loss
not really, at least in my situation. i've been married for over 5 years and my partner is absolutely my best friend and i can be my full self with them.
however, i also have a lot of other friends and acquaintances. each of them fills a different role in my life. all of them are unique. my partner doesn't have all of the same interests as me, but my friends all fulfill a different part of my personality that my partner cannot, and they also help support me through difficult times as a team.
it's really essential to have a support system and a wide variety of friends in your life. putting all your eggs in one basket isn't healthy or fair. adulthood can certainly be lonely. i'm approaching 30 and feel it now more than ever as people in my life go down different paths and we have less in common and less time for each other.
it's okay though. there are so many people in the world to connect with. you'll find your people.
undefined> less time for each other
This is what I mean, it's not a thing you do on purpose that you end up mainly talking to your spouse but all your friends have less time to spend
i get that. a lot of my friends are working on degrees or starting families. we don't have as much time to hang out anymore. one thing that's helped is expanding my social group. you don't have to be tight with every friend. you can have specific friends/acquaintances for specific hangout sessions. have you tried connecting with local groups to expand your social circle? i'm sure you have some hobbies. these are just examples i've seen in my area:
weekly dnd group
gardening club
walking club
bar meetups
volunteer trash cleanup
board game nights
friend speed 'dating'
i'm not sure where you live, but you're bound to find something. facebook is a garbage platform but one thing it's good at is getting you up to date with local events and local groups. don't like facebook? try finding local discord groups.
My wife is absolutely my best friend and everything I do is better if she is there.
I am, however, just starting to come off the effects of the pandemic. I have acute social anxiety and thought I had weathered the lockdown well because not being able to go out and do things is my comfort zone. However, as things became less dangerous and restricted, I found that my social anxiety had way worsened (like two extra medications worsened) and it was difficult for me to even do some of the social things I had been used to pre-pandemic.
I was able to ignore it because of my strong relationship with my wife until my only other nearby friends moved to Illinois. That’s when I realized that I had no friends except for my wife, and I was in danger of using her as a replacement for my own social life. I didn’t want to force that unfair responsibility on her, so I decided to try to get back in touch with a friend that drifted, and started going to a local game store to play MTG.
I’m now far outside of my comfort zone, but having a good time netting new people and playing a game that I kinda missed.
I guess the point I’m making is that, yes, it’s easy to fall into that trap of using a significant other as your social outlet, but it’s unfair to them and you should do everything in your power to avoid it.
Personally, having a partner is not a replacement for friends. There are emotional needs that my partner fulfills that my friends can't and vice versa.
A partner can definitely become a best friend, but i don't think it's healthy to have every role fulfilled by one person as it makes you very dependent on them.
Totally agreed. I had to explain to my partner that they were not my best friend. My partner is my partner and my friend is my friend. They have different roles and responsibilities. Took some time for my partner to get used to, especially since they don't have a best friend.
Partners are usually because you want love and companionship, and possibly to create a family.
As an adult I'm only gaining more and more friends tbh. Sure some old ones are lost but a partner is no replacement for a few good friendship circles. If you're putting all your social needs on one person, that's a lot of pressure and they are unlikely to be able to fulfill that role, nor are you for them.
Your partner can be your best friend, but they shouldn't be your only friend
It's interesting to see people still think that adulthood needs to be lonely. Think a lot of that stems from older generations giving their entire lives to work. But your experience is really similar to mine. My partner and I both have made more friends as we have gotten older than ever before. Weird how that works out
idk i don't think it's that weird. As you get older you meet more and more people. Only makes sense that some of those people are gonna be cool and you'll hang out with them and develop a friendship
This guy friends
I think some people do this. However, I'm 30, live with my long term partner, and have a bigger friend group than I've ever had before, with weekly events. My partner isn't a stand-in for socialization.
I'll fully admit I have some advantages because I have no kids, and a job that pays decently and isn't too demanding. I've met people through:
dating apps. This is how I met my partner and also a very good platonic friend
activist/interest groups. Got involved with a local urbanism group, now I know many of the people there
house parties. I got lucky here, I met someone that throws monthly house parties, went to those regularly, and made some very good friends that way
reconnecting with childhood friends. Again, lucky, but a few of my HS and college friends live in the same city as me and we reconnected and hang out.
The one bit of concrete wisdom I think I have here is that if you go to the same social place regularly you'll see the same people and if you put yourself out there you'll get to know some of those people. Activist groups or meetup groups are great because you probably already have some things in common.
Honestly, I've met a lot of people who settled with the wrong person just because they don't want to be lonely. It's a terrible situation to be in, especially if they have children with that person.
I've been single for a long time, and it does get lonely, but I've been trying to get out more. It also beats being stuck with the wrong person.
This is something I've been struggling with too. I love my partner, but they can't be my only source of social interaction. We each have our own lives in addition to what we share with each other.
It's been very uncomfortable, but I've been forcing myself to try to engage with people that I share hobbies with. Think about the things you like doing and then seek out those groups.
One of the advantages of trying to make friends as an adult is that, people are generally welcoming. If they aren't, it's probably not a group of people you want to spend your time with anyway.
It is goodwhen your partner is your friends but I think IT is more thank that
I'm sorry your feeling lonely bro, if you have any interests consider joining a local group to make friends/connections. As for the question... eh there's probably a varietybif reasons.
Outside of work most adults don't do a lot, so being available and present in group activities is important for your social life. Most men socialize through shared activities rather than just talking, so if you're a man make sure you socialize with people through shared activities. Some objective you accomplish together. There are clubs for that volunteer organizations many things
Some might, but many wind up with a partner because they fall in love with eachother. It's like having an ultra best friend you get to live with.
Stay out there, enjoy your hobbies, and friendships will form naturally with like-minded people :)
It's not you. It's how society is structured. It necessitates the hyper-individualization of the work force. As you grow older, you work more, but your work is disconnected from all the things that truly matter to humans. Your "friends" become shallow, hungry for money to survive. You start disconnecting from them too, and realize you can probably only share your deepest thoughts with perhaps one other person. That ends up as your partner in our current society.
I believe we can move towards a better structure where we can all be friends. Good question for all of us to ask constantly is: "What's preventing people from becoming friends?"
I've always wanted another half, but in reality neither myself or anyone I dated was mature enough to pull that off until around 30.
My friend group is smaller, but we're closer. For example, seeing my best friend of 30 years today. We've been to each others weddings, our children's weddings and some tough times. Even when we haven't seen each other for a while, there's no break. Just pour a coffee, sit down and decide what stupid shit we're gonna do today.
I'm 68 for reference.
Same. In our 50's. Spending the weekend visiting our BFFs. We get together 3-4x/year. Coffee usually turns to whiskey fairly early so we often fall asleep before things get too stupid.
Find a hobby, join a club, attend community events.
There are plenty of ways to meet people. No need to be alone. :)
Obviously a lot of people here disagree. But I think for most people the answer is unequivocally yes.
I guess if you think the bare minimum for friendship is someone you say "Hi" to at the water cooler every once in a while then no, you can have lots of friends aside from your partner. But for many people your friendship/relationship with your partner consumes most of your time (outside of work). Add on to that kids, and that's a wrap.
For most people that replaces the majority of the strong friendships that might have had when they were younger. Sure maybe they still have a couple of friends, hence the "less".
Actually now that I wrote that I realize the answer is no. People consolidate their friendships partly due to maturity, but also in large part because they find friendship/companionship in their partner. People don't get partners because they have less friends, they have less friends in part because they get a partner.
I think this is probably the case for men. I have lovely friends, male and female who are there for me and really supported me in my darkest times. But, I can never really be as close to them as I would be with a girlfriend. I've noticed women can have very intimate and fulfilling relationships with each other in a way men can't have (at least not in today's society)
That being said, personally after some experiences I don't really feel like having a lover because I feels to me, maybe this'll change in the future, that as a man you have to repress your feelings a lot and be the tough one, don't show insecurities or too much vulnerability because whether they choose to or not it'll turn women off.
One of my female friends told me before that I shouldn't show any insecurity in a relationship. I'm not an extremely insecure person but I can feel that way sometimes, which is normal and human. So I guess I can't be a normal human in a relationship.
Sorry for the rant, I guess I needed to get some stuff off my chest haha
It’s the worst.
Trying to make friends as an adult is hard work!
All these political opinions, skewed world views, left and right biases.
I just want to hang out with some other like minded people.
My wife and I were best friends before getting married. I'm a social butterfly and pop from place to place and she is a ginormous introvert. Neither of us were lonely but loved the adventures we had together. Ten plus years into our marriage and nearly fourteen into our friendship, we still do most things together. Her friends come and go, and she's the one who understands me deeply and more than anyone else on this planet, and yet we find solace in each other, friendship, and a partnership neither of us expected. Marriage is not for everyone, it's a lot of work, it's a lot of trust, but mostly it's not there to fix a problem. If you go into it broken looking for something else, you may never find it. In the end, it takes two complete people to make it work.
I married my husband because I love him, not because I didn’t want to be lonely.
It's occurred to me that if my wife ever cheated on me, maybe instead of getting upset I could just make friends with her boyfriend. We'd already have it in common that we like having sex with my wife so maybe we'd have other stuff in common, too.
🧐
If nothing else, it would be funny if instead of either of us taking her out we were both like "sorry, babe, we're busy playing video games."
Tunnel bros FTW
Welcome to polyamory! Lol
A man who is unable to set very fundamental boundaries in a relationship is not a real man. If you enter a relationship with the intention of having a monogamous marriage, then get cucked, then accept it, it means you have no spine. Any "boundaries" that you loosely claim to have, really don't exist. How are you supposed to be a father? Children need a man as a father, not a spineless cuck.
I can respect a man more who just has casual sex/one-night-stands. Because there is a possibility that he can set boundaries once he actually enters a relationship, whereas with you, it's a certainty that you cannot.
Oh I mean IRL I would probably react harshly to my wife breaking that boundary, but the worst case scenario is that she does it with someone who's got terrible vibes and just cannot hang.
I think it is quite unfair towards someone to be with them only because otherwise you wouldn't have any friends. Unless of course you both know about that.
Many people do not invest in relationships and that is the main reason they end up alone. I have seen this in other couples a lot.
For example, my father always tagged along but never had any respect for the work my mother put into relationships with friends and families. When they divorced my father became a grumpy and lonely old man who gets increasingly awkward the longer he spends cooped up alone.
He believes his way out is finding another woman. He seems to be unable to understand that it shouldn't be another person's job to "make" his social life...
A partner is no replacement for friends and they can't be the stand in for all other relationships.
Wow could not agree more. Though there are some other mental health factors that can be involved here.
I wish it was as easy as it was when we were kids and on the playground. You would just show someone your sweet dinosaur toy and ask them to play with you and boom friends for life. Or until mom got tired of sitting in the bench. Whichever happened first.
With the real ones out there, you can still do that at any age!
I watch my son walk to another kid with a ball and nonchalantly ask: "wanna play?", and I feel a tear swell up.
My partner passed away recently and I found myself suddenly alone in the world. A few friends have their own lifes so I joined a hiking group and it was the best decision of my life. Always looking forward to get back on the trail with like minded people where I made new friends. Lots of single people there so yeah we are human and we need companionship.
i'm really sorry for your loss
not really, at least in my situation. i've been married for over 5 years and my partner is absolutely my best friend and i can be my full self with them.
however, i also have a lot of other friends and acquaintances. each of them fills a different role in my life. all of them are unique. my partner doesn't have all of the same interests as me, but my friends all fulfill a different part of my personality that my partner cannot, and they also help support me through difficult times as a team.
it's really essential to have a support system and a wide variety of friends in your life. putting all your eggs in one basket isn't healthy or fair. adulthood can certainly be lonely. i'm approaching 30 and feel it now more than ever as people in my life go down different paths and we have less in common and less time for each other.
it's okay though. there are so many people in the world to connect with. you'll find your people.
undefined> less time for each other
This is what I mean, it's not a thing you do on purpose that you end up mainly talking to your spouse but all your friends have less time to spend
i get that. a lot of my friends are working on degrees or starting families. we don't have as much time to hang out anymore. one thing that's helped is expanding my social group. you don't have to be tight with every friend. you can have specific friends/acquaintances for specific hangout sessions. have you tried connecting with local groups to expand your social circle? i'm sure you have some hobbies. these are just examples i've seen in my area:
i'm not sure where you live, but you're bound to find something. facebook is a garbage platform but one thing it's good at is getting you up to date with local events and local groups. don't like facebook? try finding local discord groups.
My wife is absolutely my best friend and everything I do is better if she is there.
I am, however, just starting to come off the effects of the pandemic. I have acute social anxiety and thought I had weathered the lockdown well because not being able to go out and do things is my comfort zone. However, as things became less dangerous and restricted, I found that my social anxiety had way worsened (like two extra medications worsened) and it was difficult for me to even do some of the social things I had been used to pre-pandemic.
I was able to ignore it because of my strong relationship with my wife until my only other nearby friends moved to Illinois. That’s when I realized that I had no friends except for my wife, and I was in danger of using her as a replacement for my own social life. I didn’t want to force that unfair responsibility on her, so I decided to try to get back in touch with a friend that drifted, and started going to a local game store to play MTG.
I’m now far outside of my comfort zone, but having a good time netting new people and playing a game that I kinda missed.
I guess the point I’m making is that, yes, it’s easy to fall into that trap of using a significant other as your social outlet, but it’s unfair to them and you should do everything in your power to avoid it.
Personally, having a partner is not a replacement for friends. There are emotional needs that my partner fulfills that my friends can't and vice versa.
A partner can definitely become a best friend, but i don't think it's healthy to have every role fulfilled by one person as it makes you very dependent on them.
Totally agreed. I had to explain to my partner that they were not my best friend. My partner is my partner and my friend is my friend. They have different roles and responsibilities. Took some time for my partner to get used to, especially since they don't have a best friend.
Partners are usually because you want love and companionship, and possibly to create a family.
Friends are great, but a partner is different.
As an adult I'm only gaining more and more friends tbh. Sure some old ones are lost but a partner is no replacement for a few good friendship circles. If you're putting all your social needs on one person, that's a lot of pressure and they are unlikely to be able to fulfill that role, nor are you for them.
Your partner can be your best friend, but they shouldn't be your only friend
It's interesting to see people still think that adulthood needs to be lonely. Think a lot of that stems from older generations giving their entire lives to work. But your experience is really similar to mine. My partner and I both have made more friends as we have gotten older than ever before. Weird how that works out
idk i don't think it's that weird. As you get older you meet more and more people. Only makes sense that some of those people are gonna be cool and you'll hang out with them and develop a friendship
This guy friends
I think some people do this. However, I'm 30, live with my long term partner, and have a bigger friend group than I've ever had before, with weekly events. My partner isn't a stand-in for socialization.
I'll fully admit I have some advantages because I have no kids, and a job that pays decently and isn't too demanding. I've met people through:
dating apps. This is how I met my partner and also a very good platonic friend
activist/interest groups. Got involved with a local urbanism group, now I know many of the people there
house parties. I got lucky here, I met someone that throws monthly house parties, went to those regularly, and made some very good friends that way
reconnecting with childhood friends. Again, lucky, but a few of my HS and college friends live in the same city as me and we reconnected and hang out.
The one bit of concrete wisdom I think I have here is that if you go to the same social place regularly you'll see the same people and if you put yourself out there you'll get to know some of those people. Activist groups or meetup groups are great because you probably already have some things in common.
Honestly, I've met a lot of people who settled with the wrong person just because they don't want to be lonely. It's a terrible situation to be in, especially if they have children with that person.
I've been single for a long time, and it does get lonely, but I've been trying to get out more. It also beats being stuck with the wrong person.
This is something I've been struggling with too. I love my partner, but they can't be my only source of social interaction. We each have our own lives in addition to what we share with each other.
It's been very uncomfortable, but I've been forcing myself to try to engage with people that I share hobbies with. Think about the things you like doing and then seek out those groups.
One of the advantages of trying to make friends as an adult is that, people are generally welcoming. If they aren't, it's probably not a group of people you want to spend your time with anyway.
It is goodwhen your partner is your friends but I think IT is more thank that
I'm sorry your feeling lonely bro, if you have any interests consider joining a local group to make friends/connections. As for the question... eh there's probably a varietybif reasons.
Outside of work most adults don't do a lot, so being available and present in group activities is important for your social life. Most men socialize through shared activities rather than just talking, so if you're a man make sure you socialize with people through shared activities. Some objective you accomplish together. There are clubs for that volunteer organizations many things
Some might, but many wind up with a partner because they fall in love with eachother. It's like having an ultra best friend you get to live with.
Stay out there, enjoy your hobbies, and friendships will form naturally with like-minded people :)
It's not you. It's how society is structured. It necessitates the hyper-individualization of the work force. As you grow older, you work more, but your work is disconnected from all the things that truly matter to humans. Your "friends" become shallow, hungry for money to survive. You start disconnecting from them too, and realize you can probably only share your deepest thoughts with perhaps one other person. That ends up as your partner in our current society.
I believe we can move towards a better structure where we can all be friends. Good question for all of us to ask constantly is: "What's preventing people from becoming friends?"
I've always wanted another half, but in reality neither myself or anyone I dated was mature enough to pull that off until around 30.
My friend group is smaller, but we're closer. For example, seeing my best friend of 30 years today. We've been to each others weddings, our children's weddings and some tough times. Even when we haven't seen each other for a while, there's no break. Just pour a coffee, sit down and decide what stupid shit we're gonna do today.
I'm 68 for reference.
Same. In our 50's. Spending the weekend visiting our BFFs. We get together 3-4x/year. Coffee usually turns to whiskey fairly early so we often fall asleep before things get too stupid.
Find a hobby, join a club, attend community events.
There are plenty of ways to meet people. No need to be alone. :)
Obviously a lot of people here disagree. But I think for most people the answer is unequivocally yes.
I guess if you think the bare minimum for friendship is someone you say "Hi" to at the water cooler every once in a while then no, you can have lots of friends aside from your partner. But for many people your friendship/relationship with your partner consumes most of your time (outside of work). Add on to that kids, and that's a wrap.
For most people that replaces the majority of the strong friendships that might have had when they were younger. Sure maybe they still have a couple of friends, hence the "less".
Actually now that I wrote that I realize the answer is no. People consolidate their friendships partly due to maturity, but also in large part because they find friendship/companionship in their partner. People don't get partners because they have less friends, they have less friends in part because they get a partner.
I think this is probably the case for men. I have lovely friends, male and female who are there for me and really supported me in my darkest times. But, I can never really be as close to them as I would be with a girlfriend. I've noticed women can have very intimate and fulfilling relationships with each other in a way men can't have (at least not in today's society)
That being said, personally after some experiences I don't really feel like having a lover because I feels to me, maybe this'll change in the future, that as a man you have to repress your feelings a lot and be the tough one, don't show insecurities or too much vulnerability because whether they choose to or not it'll turn women off.
One of my female friends told me before that I shouldn't show any insecurity in a relationship. I'm not an extremely insecure person but I can feel that way sometimes, which is normal and human. So I guess I can't be a normal human in a relationship.
Sorry for the rant, I guess I needed to get some stuff off my chest haha
It’s the worst.
Trying to make friends as an adult is hard work!
All these political opinions, skewed world views, left and right biases.
I just want to hang out with some other like minded people.