Every breakup I went through was because I wasn't an attentive partner. I've been happily married for almost 10 years now, so I figured it out, but I was just young and not ready for a long term gig.
I broke up with my first girlfriend years ago because "there was no spark". In truth I went on my senior cruise, reconnected with a childhood friend I hadn't seen in years, developed a massive crush on her, and though I did not intend to pursue anything romantically with her as she was already dating someone else, I realized that I had never been attracted to my gf in the first place. I regret that I broke her heart and wish I would have had this realization to begin with, but that's youth. I wanted more for my life, and I got it. She did too, and much faster. She ended up meeting her soulmate within a year of us breaking up and they have a beautiful daughter together.
What's a senior cruise?
In Finland many high school seniors go to an overnight booze cruise some time before their final exams. It can get pretty wild.
That’s awesome!
In the US many students celebrate graduating high school by going on a “senior trip” with their classmates. My friends and I took a week long trip on a cruise liner through the Caribbean.
When we met, we were both pretty broken from past experiences. She had had a line of bad relationships and I had my own issues. She was creative, smart and very beautiful, way out of my league.
With her I was happy for the first time in my adult life and I loved her just as she was. We enjoyed the same things and our friends talked of us as a "perfect couple". And for a time everything truly was pretty perfect.
Then one day she called me and said: "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore."
After the initial shock I managed to say: "I love you and want you to be happy. If this makes you happy, so be it."
And that was it. I was emotionally devastated.
I never saw her again. Nine months later a common friend told me she had a baby coming in the next month. Apparently she had switched me for a better candidate and gotten herself pregnant almost instantly.
Realizing this broke me even more. I guess our time together had fixed her to a point where she was ready to start a family, just not with me. According to my friend she got three kids with the same guy and is very happy with her life.
It took me years to recover from this and I don't think that I'll ever really get "over it".
I'm not sure I'd call that fixed, for the record.
Three different relationships. They ended because...
...neither of us was mature enough to actually do what was necessary to stay together.
...for the exact same reason as her friends consistently distance themselves from her: she's entitled, irrational, and selfish.
...what she actually wanted wasn't a long-term relationship, just some emotional comfort. But both of us got a bit too excited with the relationship, so it lasted more than it should.
#3 sounds interesting. What advice would you give to someone to figure out if they're currently in a #3 situation or not?
If you realise that the other person is just seeking emotional comfort, ask yourself "am I OK with this?". If you are, it's fine; if you aren't, it's better to break the relationship in a friendly way, and move on. Just don't fool yourself by thinking that the relationship will last. (I wish that I did that. I didn't. Living and learning, they say...)
Every breakup was totally predictable, and for a/multiple VERY good reasons. I don’t regret any relationship I’ve ever had. Some I learned some things that immediately made me a better person, others took me reflecting later on, to make me realize things that ultimately helped me improve as a person. Regardless I learned something from every relationship/partner. A lot of them were red flags to avoid, and traits I couldn’t be with, but I learned things
Mine wouldn't quit drugs. I quit. He eventually died in his sleep from what I hear. I hadn't talked to him in so long, by then. But he used to say he didn't want to live past 40...
I know I made the right choice.
You did make the right choice for sure. I did the same with an alcoholic. He is still alive miraculously
This is the same with my last ex. I quit and left, invited him to come with me but he chose drugs. I don't think he's dead but I've had to block him on all channels, every come down he calls begging me to take him back saying he'll change. I'm not sure he ever will because I don't think he wants to change, drugs gives him something to feel awful about and that's what he wants/feels he deserves.
Absolutely no regrets on my part even though I thought we were going to get married one day.
Most of the times it was because I would subconsciously emulate my fathers way of conflict resolution, which was subtle manipulation of the other persons emotions so that if I was sad, they’d be sad too. Not nice, not respectful, and not sustainable for any amount of longer term relation.
I smartened up with age and realizations that I was turning into my father and made sure that man’s spirit is dead forever. I’m married now 😙
She was absolutely right, we were better off as friends and I only wanted a relationship because i didnt want to be alone anymore. It hurt a lot at first and I lost one of my best friends, but it was for the best for sure.
I have an ex-wife. Incredible lady in many ways, but some definite incompatibility issues. But two things really stand out as problems:
1.) Nobody is as important as her dog
2.) She felt guilty and then angry if someone made her happy or caused her to feel pleasure, because religion.
And as a bonus:
3.) My distinct lack of patience at being treated like #3 after a spoiled dog and an invisible fantasy man in the sky.
I have no animosity toward this woman, she didn't ruin my life or take anything from me. I loved her more than anything, but I was just someone she kept around to take care of the house and yard.
Communication issues.
I wasn't open. Or they weren't open.
And open doesn't mean like sharing whatever is on your mind. Like telling her that her sister is like a tiny bit hotter. Open is like, "Hey Im upset today because of work and want to be alone for a few hours."
Those who get it become excellent partners.
I think. I dunno. My wife and I have been together for 15 years now.
That's me right now. Went through a breakup because, in hindsight, I wasn't properly communicating my needs. We still get along very well which makes me think it could have worked out.
Incompatibility from the start, different values, different mindsets.
There was no reason to not break up. When in love drunkness all reasons are empty and when reality hits become oblivious to split up.
I got mad and threw them out after the millionth time they tried to gaslight me. Everything they wanted was important and had to happen ASAP. Everything I wanted was excuses trying to make me feel bad for them.
When someone is never willing to change their behavior to accommodate you and expect you to constantly, run. Just wish I'd realized the pattern sooner.
I don't think I'm really over it, but I'm over it more than I was.
My ex wife kept cheating on me. That makes it pretty simple really.
As to why she did that. I don't know. She was going through a bad time, and I think feeling bad about and for herself. She wanted to feel better about herself, and escaping her life made her feel that way. At least, that's what I think. I'll never really know I guess.
Another breakup, she broke up with me because she wasn't as healed from the trauma from her last relationship as she thought.
I saw it coming. She was honest with me the whole time and I thought handled it as well as could be expected.
For me, the same thing that was the reason at the time, too: Over the years my partner realized she's not into men at all actually, just into women. The into-men part was more learned behavior left over from her youth (we were together for 15 years, so it's utterly normalized to be together and hence needs a lot of time to realize you just do it out of habit).
Ex-wife. I feel our lives went in different directions. We had a great bond when we were young and both struggling to make ends meet, but then we found good jobs and started saving up money. That's when all the problems started. Turns out we had very different ideas of what we were going to do with our lives once we had the freedom to choose.
The next high was more important than I was. I didn't really have much going for me at the time and was living with her family after a few years of long distance stuff. It felt like I saw her less while I was living there than when I'd visit every 6 months from the long distance part. The difference in lifestyles slowly drove us apart.
That was the main reason but I was also not a full person back then. Fresh out of high-school and had no idea about the world around me or how to fit within it. I would have had more compassion for certain things if I knew all I know now, though the breakup still would have occurred at that same point.
She really loved me very deeply, it made me uncomfortable at times as I didn't grow up with love. It was the kind of love you want though and I loved her a lot as well - just the wrong time ultimately. Hard part is that I had to lose that relationship to learn the lesson for next partner.
He wouldnt stop drinking. I knew that when I left him, and still know its the reason now. Miraculously he hasnt drunk himself to death by now ( a bit over ten years later) and I think he may now be in recovery, I hope so for his sake. I found a far far better partner 8 months after we split
I was overwhelmed by changes in my life and bottled it up until I freaked out at my loved ones. Years have passed, and I'm still pissed at myself for that childishness. Healthy ways to blow off steam are a must.
We both could've handled it more maturely, but the reasons were absolutely valid.
What were the reasons?
She had mental health issues she acknowledged, but refused to get help for. And these issues just interfered a lot with what a healthy relationship should be, so after a while I had enough and told her what I thought of this.
She got quite angry, which is fair because me being so fed up meant I was being a huge dick about it.
Long story short, we both decided that we never want to hear from each other again.
So yeah, could've handled it more maturely.
I genuinely never meant her any harm, and I wish her all the best. But ultimately, us not being together is for the better.
He was a hot mess of manipulative and sociopathic fucker with a bad temper that I somehow "fell in love with" and treated me like garbage for the most part of 5 years without me even realising it until the end and there are still times when I think "thank fuck he broke up".
Small bits and pieces of how he treated me:
He thought I was ungrateful for being allergic to the valentines chocolates he bought me once. Never bought me anything ever again.
He was violent to inanimate objects that just happened to be in the way. Never knew if it was going to be me one day.
Constantly gaslighted me by playing stupid and "not knowing" where things went in the kitchen and purposefully hid things when he unloaded the dishwasher. He did this when I was almost apathetic with depression and barely could shower. But I made an effort to make dinner for him after work. Took two hours to make food because nothing was where it was supposed to.
Constantly lied about everything. Where he was, what he was doing and who he was doing it with. I found this out a few months before he broke it off.
Manipulated my feelings. If he had done something and I was sad then 5 minute's later it was all my fault and he was sad and needed comfort.
Always said I was too good for him so that I would give him recognition. That was the only recognition that mattered.
Constantly complained about me not doing any chores and that I should start to pull my weight even though I did most chores, had crippling depression and had a job.
He went off for work for 5 days. I came down with the worst flu I've ever had on day 1. Was still sick when he came back. He went off on me for being lazy and only laying on the couch all week.
He planned our breakup for more than half a year, didn't tell me, saved up for an apartment and then sat me down with a pizza saying "My best friend thought I should tell you. But it's September tomorrow. I'm moving out before Christmas".
He then went to OUR friends and my only friends in town and cried because he broke up with me while I had to be by myself. When he could've gone to his best childhood friend who lived a couple of blocks away.
That was just a small part of it all.
Only a few days ago me and my current partner had a disagreement and he reacted normally and I was so worried that he was going to react violently but it never came. So I had to tell him that it was comforting that he reacts reasonable and not being violent or try to manipulate my feelings. He then wondered what shit partner I've been with before.
Every breakup I went through was because I wasn't an attentive partner. I've been happily married for almost 10 years now, so I figured it out, but I was just young and not ready for a long term gig.
I broke up with my first girlfriend years ago because "there was no spark". In truth I went on my senior cruise, reconnected with a childhood friend I hadn't seen in years, developed a massive crush on her, and though I did not intend to pursue anything romantically with her as she was already dating someone else, I realized that I had never been attracted to my gf in the first place. I regret that I broke her heart and wish I would have had this realization to begin with, but that's youth. I wanted more for my life, and I got it. She did too, and much faster. She ended up meeting her soulmate within a year of us breaking up and they have a beautiful daughter together.
What's a senior cruise?
In Finland many high school seniors go to an overnight booze cruise some time before their final exams. It can get pretty wild.
That’s awesome!
In the US many students celebrate graduating high school by going on a “senior trip” with their classmates. My friends and I took a week long trip on a cruise liner through the Caribbean.
When we met, we were both pretty broken from past experiences. She had had a line of bad relationships and I had my own issues. She was creative, smart and very beautiful, way out of my league.
With her I was happy for the first time in my adult life and I loved her just as she was. We enjoyed the same things and our friends talked of us as a "perfect couple". And for a time everything truly was pretty perfect.
Then one day she called me and said: "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore."
After the initial shock I managed to say: "I love you and want you to be happy. If this makes you happy, so be it."
And that was it. I was emotionally devastated.
I never saw her again. Nine months later a common friend told me she had a baby coming in the next month. Apparently she had switched me for a better candidate and gotten herself pregnant almost instantly.
Realizing this broke me even more. I guess our time together had fixed her to a point where she was ready to start a family, just not with me. According to my friend she got three kids with the same guy and is very happy with her life.
It took me years to recover from this and I don't think that I'll ever really get "over it".
I'm not sure I'd call that fixed, for the record.
Three different relationships. They ended because...
#3 sounds interesting. What advice would you give to someone to figure out if they're currently in a #3 situation or not?If you realise that the other person is just seeking emotional comfort, ask yourself "am I OK with this?". If you are, it's fine; if you aren't, it's better to break the relationship in a friendly way, and move on. Just don't fool yourself by thinking that the relationship will last. (I wish that I did that. I didn't. Living and learning, they say...)
Every breakup was totally predictable, and for a/multiple VERY good reasons. I don’t regret any relationship I’ve ever had. Some I learned some things that immediately made me a better person, others took me reflecting later on, to make me realize things that ultimately helped me improve as a person. Regardless I learned something from every relationship/partner. A lot of them were red flags to avoid, and traits I couldn’t be with, but I learned things
Mine wouldn't quit drugs. I quit. He eventually died in his sleep from what I hear. I hadn't talked to him in so long, by then. But he used to say he didn't want to live past 40...
I know I made the right choice.
You did make the right choice for sure. I did the same with an alcoholic. He is still alive miraculously
This is the same with my last ex. I quit and left, invited him to come with me but he chose drugs. I don't think he's dead but I've had to block him on all channels, every come down he calls begging me to take him back saying he'll change. I'm not sure he ever will because I don't think he wants to change, drugs gives him something to feel awful about and that's what he wants/feels he deserves.
Absolutely no regrets on my part even though I thought we were going to get married one day.
Most of the times it was because I would subconsciously emulate my fathers way of conflict resolution, which was subtle manipulation of the other persons emotions so that if I was sad, they’d be sad too. Not nice, not respectful, and not sustainable for any amount of longer term relation.
I smartened up with age and realizations that I was turning into my father and made sure that man’s spirit is dead forever. I’m married now 😙
She was absolutely right, we were better off as friends and I only wanted a relationship because i didnt want to be alone anymore. It hurt a lot at first and I lost one of my best friends, but it was for the best for sure.
I have an ex-wife. Incredible lady in many ways, but some definite incompatibility issues. But two things really stand out as problems:
1.) Nobody is as important as her dog
2.) She felt guilty and then angry if someone made her happy or caused her to feel pleasure, because religion.
And as a bonus:
3.) My distinct lack of patience at being treated like #3 after a spoiled dog and an invisible fantasy man in the sky.
I have no animosity toward this woman, she didn't ruin my life or take anything from me. I loved her more than anything, but I was just someone she kept around to take care of the house and yard.
Communication issues.
I wasn't open. Or they weren't open.
And open doesn't mean like sharing whatever is on your mind. Like telling her that her sister is like a tiny bit hotter. Open is like, "Hey Im upset today because of work and want to be alone for a few hours."
Those who get it become excellent partners.
I think. I dunno. My wife and I have been together for 15 years now.
That's me right now. Went through a breakup because, in hindsight, I wasn't properly communicating my needs. We still get along very well which makes me think it could have worked out.
Incompatibility from the start, different values, different mindsets.
There was no reason to not break up. When in love drunkness all reasons are empty and when reality hits become oblivious to split up.
I got mad and threw them out after the millionth time they tried to gaslight me. Everything they wanted was important and had to happen ASAP. Everything I wanted was excuses trying to make me feel bad for them.
When someone is never willing to change their behavior to accommodate you and expect you to constantly, run. Just wish I'd realized the pattern sooner.
I don't think I'm really over it, but I'm over it more than I was.
My ex wife kept cheating on me. That makes it pretty simple really.
As to why she did that. I don't know. She was going through a bad time, and I think feeling bad about and for herself. She wanted to feel better about herself, and escaping her life made her feel that way. At least, that's what I think. I'll never really know I guess.
Another breakup, she broke up with me because she wasn't as healed from the trauma from her last relationship as she thought.
I saw it coming. She was honest with me the whole time and I thought handled it as well as could be expected.
For me, the same thing that was the reason at the time, too: Over the years my partner realized she's not into men at all actually, just into women. The into-men part was more learned behavior left over from her youth (we were together for 15 years, so it's utterly normalized to be together and hence needs a lot of time to realize you just do it out of habit).
Ex-wife. I feel our lives went in different directions. We had a great bond when we were young and both struggling to make ends meet, but then we found good jobs and started saving up money. That's when all the problems started. Turns out we had very different ideas of what we were going to do with our lives once we had the freedom to choose.
The next high was more important than I was. I didn't really have much going for me at the time and was living with her family after a few years of long distance stuff. It felt like I saw her less while I was living there than when I'd visit every 6 months from the long distance part. The difference in lifestyles slowly drove us apart.
That was the main reason but I was also not a full person back then. Fresh out of high-school and had no idea about the world around me or how to fit within it. I would have had more compassion for certain things if I knew all I know now, though the breakup still would have occurred at that same point.
She really loved me very deeply, it made me uncomfortable at times as I didn't grow up with love. It was the kind of love you want though and I loved her a lot as well - just the wrong time ultimately. Hard part is that I had to lose that relationship to learn the lesson for next partner.
He wouldnt stop drinking. I knew that when I left him, and still know its the reason now. Miraculously he hasnt drunk himself to death by now ( a bit over ten years later) and I think he may now be in recovery, I hope so for his sake. I found a far far better partner 8 months after we split
I was overwhelmed by changes in my life and bottled it up until I freaked out at my loved ones. Years have passed, and I'm still pissed at myself for that childishness. Healthy ways to blow off steam are a must.
We both could've handled it more maturely, but the reasons were absolutely valid.
What were the reasons?
She had mental health issues she acknowledged, but refused to get help for. And these issues just interfered a lot with what a healthy relationship should be, so after a while I had enough and told her what I thought of this.
She got quite angry, which is fair because me being so fed up meant I was being a huge dick about it.
Long story short, we both decided that we never want to hear from each other again.
So yeah, could've handled it more maturely.
I genuinely never meant her any harm, and I wish her all the best. But ultimately, us not being together is for the better.
He was a hot mess of manipulative and sociopathic fucker with a bad temper that I somehow "fell in love with" and treated me like garbage for the most part of 5 years without me even realising it until the end and there are still times when I think "thank fuck he broke up".
Small bits and pieces of how he treated me:
He thought I was ungrateful for being allergic to the valentines chocolates he bought me once. Never bought me anything ever again.
He was violent to inanimate objects that just happened to be in the way. Never knew if it was going to be me one day.
Constantly gaslighted me by playing stupid and "not knowing" where things went in the kitchen and purposefully hid things when he unloaded the dishwasher. He did this when I was almost apathetic with depression and barely could shower. But I made an effort to make dinner for him after work. Took two hours to make food because nothing was where it was supposed to.
Constantly lied about everything. Where he was, what he was doing and who he was doing it with. I found this out a few months before he broke it off.
Manipulated my feelings. If he had done something and I was sad then 5 minute's later it was all my fault and he was sad and needed comfort.
Always said I was too good for him so that I would give him recognition. That was the only recognition that mattered.
Constantly complained about me not doing any chores and that I should start to pull my weight even though I did most chores, had crippling depression and had a job.
He went off for work for 5 days. I came down with the worst flu I've ever had on day 1. Was still sick when he came back. He went off on me for being lazy and only laying on the couch all week.
He planned our breakup for more than half a year, didn't tell me, saved up for an apartment and then sat me down with a pizza saying "My best friend thought I should tell you. But it's September tomorrow. I'm moving out before Christmas". He then went to OUR friends and my only friends in town and cried because he broke up with me while I had to be by myself. When he could've gone to his best childhood friend who lived a couple of blocks away.
That was just a small part of it all.
Only a few days ago me and my current partner had a disagreement and he reacted normally and I was so worried that he was going to react violently but it never came. So I had to tell him that it was comforting that he reacts reasonable and not being violent or try to manipulate my feelings. He then wondered what shit partner I've been with before.