I was going to reserve dinner at a place for our 7th anniversary of our marriage. My phone ran out of battery, so she told me to use hers.
While I was using it she received a message saying "tomorrow again? π". Curiosity killed me, I opened the message because, as far as I knew, she stayed home while I was working the day before.
To my surprise, the guy that texted her sent her a video of her on all fours with 2 men cuming on her. Needless to say, there was no 7th anniversary dinner. This was also years ago so I got over it.
I could have said "she cheated on me" and leave it at that but I feel like the whole story is spicier.
Whoa.
I'm very sorry, but also just whoa.
The lengths to which some people go to not communicate their desires to their significant other
Exactly. I'd have no problem if my wife wants to partake in a little extra-marital cum play. Just please, tell me.
That's what I said to her... Hell, it would have been a blessing for me if she was doing things with other people sometimes.
I was feeling horrible for her because I have a terrible case of arthritis and I can't do stuff like a normal person, sometimes I couldn't even move for weeks or spend time at the hospital, so sex was almost impossible. We were doing it once every 4 months, maybe more.
The first thing I told her was "Look, if you're gonna do something with someone else, at least let me know first, I can understand due to the conditions so there's no problem if you really need it, just please tell me first".
First thing she did was not tell me, and that is what messed me up, the stupid lie.
Something similar happened to me with my first wife .. I read an email meant for her that was quite descriptive, not to mention x rated, and it left me pretty devastated. I was in a very dark place after that. But now, many years later, I'm very happily married to a partner who is perfect for me in every way. My advice to everyone who goes through this is hang in there, it hurts like hell but things will get better and one day you'll look back and realize it was better you found out and got out when you did.
There were zero signs she was cheating?
I kind of thought she was a bit distant, but not cheating, but at that time I was dealing with a terrible case of arthritis at that time, so between going to the hospital and spending days, sometimes weeks in bed without being able to move I was not really thinking about it.
She just wasn't ever happy with anything. Swore up and down she loved me, but she was always mat at me and couldn't ever articulate why. I wanted to be better, but after a while, I just wanted to stop treading on eggshells every time I was around her.
I hope she has found something or someone to make her happy.
im was in the same boat a couple weeks ago its been lonely :/
He got weirdly into this kind of toxic masculinity, misogynistic bullshit that I was not down with. It's one thing to play with that consensually during sex, but I'm not okay with becoming a mini Andrew Tate clone
Girlfriend for four years had been cheating on me for at least seven months. We were a modern family with one kid each. Found out Sunday evening when I caught her texting. The worst is the kids when they will know they wonβt be together again. And her family, very good people. Sheβs dead to me.
She got bored of me, cheated, gaslit me and made me feel like I was treading on egg shells for 12 months and then we split up.
She'd have had permission if she had asked.
I just don't think straight relationships are for me.
I took her for granted and probably got too comfortable in our domestic life. She had a new work friend who had nothing better to do than talk to her all day about how she would be a better partner than me.
She?
~19 years of marriage ended late last year due to mental health issues + NPD. I'm still trying to get over it, but it's tough; she just won't leave me alone.
I am childfree, she wasn't. 100% not going to work, but we ended on good terms all things ocnsidered.
Just wondering what about her having kids was a deal breaker for you?
She didn't have kids already, but she wanted to have them in the future. I absolutely do not want kids, I even got a vasectomy in my early 20s.
It's not really an issue you can compromise on as a couple, so it was better to part amicably than pursue something with no future, for both of our sakes.
I find the question weird.
Maybe she didn't have children but wanted them, that also qualifies as non-childfree.
Why is inconceivable for you not wanting kids and not wanting to be with someone who does?
"I wonder why" does not imply "Inconceivable!"
Overstressing the point for effect.
I'm in the middle of a divorce.
uhh.. We're completely different people. Physical intimacy is really important to her, and I'm newly discovered asexual. I mean, I was always uncomfortable with sex, but I never realized how. I thought I had some kind of sex anxiety or something, but that's not it. So I can't provide what she needs and she can't provide what I need.
Also, I'm kind of feminine and submissive in most aspects in life, and she prefers a more confident, in charge kind of guy.
He said it was his mental health, and he could have no desires or feelings for someone. He said I was amazing and that he'd never met anyone remotely like me.
However he's now told me he's seeing someone, so I think he's full of shit.
I think he was lying.
He had a lot of mental health issues that he just wouldn't get help with.
He ended up being upset a lot because I didn't "react the way [he] wanted me to". In the end, I really did care about him a lot, but his clinginess and codependency on me was far too much for me to handle. He made it clear that he was unhappy, but also depended on me to make him happy. I tried very hard, but it was never good enough. Did my best to encourage and support him, but he just couldn't do right for himself.
He really was such a beautiful person, but loving someone is often not enough.
I really do hope that he is doing well now, wherever he is.
I really feel this one. still wonder if I could have done more, but maybe it's for the best in the end
I have the same thought sometimes, but you can't help someone who refuses help. They're essentially hurting you in that way, and that's not something that love can ever fix.
It's not selfish to think about your own well-being in a relationship. It's like a drowning person continually holding onto you because they're afraid of dying alone: you both end up drowning.
You can't keep hurting yourself for someone who keeps stepping into danger. Eventually, they need to learn to take another route. If they refuse or show that they really just can't, that's not a failing on you. You should not feel guilty for that. You're important, too.
Doesn't mean it doesn't suck, of course. But it's not your fault. You tried. You loved them. It's okay. It's not your fault.
^Sounds like BPD to me.
My ex was a Catholic and wanted children.
I'm an atheist and I'm childfree.
Curiously, I think kids had more weight in her decision to end it.
I don't think that's too surprising. I reckon in some ways the question of whether or not to have children is a heavier and more existential life choice than religion. Both are absolutely valid ways to live, but it's pretty much essential to be on the same page as your partner.
Probably my mental health issues, but I honestly can't really be too sure
Also, she ended up moving away and that was another big part of it. These two together just totally killed it. Of course there were other little things but I attribute most of the reason to the aforementioned problems.
I want to be back in a stable state and doing better with myself, but I feel like I've already screwed up every chance I've had at this point. There's no way she'd take me back but it is what it is, I guess. She's really great and being with her made me feel something again.
Her being a narcissist.
she smash my things
My partner's mental health issues, her family's mental health issues, my partner's decision to return to their home country during a global pandemic (somewhere I couldn't follow) leaving me to fend for myself, and that was a decade long relationship down the tubes, welp.
He didn't want to be with someone clingy but framed it as codependency, when in reality I was going through an anxious attachment phase because I didn't want to fuck it up. My incessant worrying was to blame but his lack of empathy made it worse. In the end I think I dodged a bullet because he was a functional alcoholic.
The number one thing I've heard from avoidant people is that perfectly human emotions, albeit perhaps unfitting for the situation, are "clingy" or "too much." They don't know how to ask for things like space and own their own needs. It's much easier to instead blame their inner turmoil and resistance on the relationship by singling out that one thing they think is wrong with it. That way they don't have to be vulnerable and admit they're imperfect too. I'm sure you might know all of this anyway, but just a reminder that it's okay and healthy to be a lil clingy and worried. Not your fault.
Thank you! Those are some very kind and validating words. π
Just curious, do you think your attachment anxiety was the result of how a prior relationship(s) ended? Because I suffer from it a bit now and I'm pretty sure that is a fairly big reason.
Definitely! I had such a streak of bad dates and relationships that I felt so traumatized. It made me so nervous while dating him that I was literally shaking when I felt that things weren't going right.
Funnily enough, two years later, now I feel the opposite. I don't really care about dating and I feel like I'd be the one detached. I just can't be bothered with giving so much for getting nothing in return anymore.
Well, you know they say, "The minute you stop looking...". Wish you the best of luck whether single or otherwise!
The relationship had been becoming more and more difficult for me to maintain, and it should never be difficult to be with someone, so I was on the edge. She had a lot of problems. Then she started causing drama with my brother's fiancee for no reason, and that was enough for me.
She had been depressed and drifting away for a long time -- she broke up with her other partner first, then a while later with me. She wanted a monogamous relationship, but I think wasn't honest with herself about that for the last couple years of our relationship.
I'm still with my other long term partner, and she is engaged now to a guy who seems great and supportive. I miss her, but I love her and want her to be happy, so I'm glad she's found what she wants.
She wanted kids, I didn't.
We're still best friends tho, since we do not resent each other for our own choices.
I... dunno.
My ex ignored me for like two weeks and had become closed of. He reinsured me, that everything was fine when i asked him. But the next time he visted me, he said that he wanted to break up, saying he made up his mind two weeks earlier. But i dunno his reason for it.
The break up was okay. I though about it myself, cause he treated me bad the whole 5 month we were together: he talked bad about my interessets and hobbys. He overstepped my bounderies. And everytime, i made him aware of that, he was like "you didn't make that clear enough". He made me push my bounderies.
Sadly, i allowed this kind of behaivor back than. I was used to it. During that time i did not know about adhd. I always acted weird as a woman and felt bad for not fitting in. I acted impulsive and had mood swings. I wanted someone to love me, accept me. So i excused these behaivors.
No. I did not allowed that behaivor. But he made me feel like i was crazy when i wanted to talk about how i felt.
Now i have more selfesteem, i am weird and loud and full of my ideas. I am in a beatiful relationship, i am loved and accepted as who i am. I But of course that expierence still hunts me. It still hurts.
Incompatibility from the start due to her not entirely honest dating profile, I also looked past her red flags, baggage, and past trauma, because I thought to myself that everyone has those and that I should remain humble.
This is probably NSFW so... warning(?)
I was going to reserve dinner at a place for our 7th anniversary of our marriage. My phone ran out of battery, so she told me to use hers.
While I was using it she received a message saying "tomorrow again? π". Curiosity killed me, I opened the message because, as far as I knew, she stayed home while I was working the day before.
To my surprise, the guy that texted her sent her a video of her on all fours with 2 men cuming on her. Needless to say, there was no 7th anniversary dinner. This was also years ago so I got over it.
I could have said "she cheated on me" and leave it at that but I feel like the whole story is spicier.
Whoa.
I'm very sorry, but also just whoa.
The lengths to which some people go to not communicate their desires to their significant other
Exactly. I'd have no problem if my wife wants to partake in a little extra-marital cum play. Just please, tell me.
That's what I said to her... Hell, it would have been a blessing for me if she was doing things with other people sometimes.
I was feeling horrible for her because I have a terrible case of arthritis and I can't do stuff like a normal person, sometimes I couldn't even move for weeks or spend time at the hospital, so sex was almost impossible. We were doing it once every 4 months, maybe more.
The first thing I told her was "Look, if you're gonna do something with someone else, at least let me know first, I can understand due to the conditions so there's no problem if you really need it, just please tell me first".
First thing she did was not tell me, and that is what messed me up, the stupid lie.
Something similar happened to me with my first wife .. I read an email meant for her that was quite descriptive, not to mention x rated, and it left me pretty devastated. I was in a very dark place after that. But now, many years later, I'm very happily married to a partner who is perfect for me in every way. My advice to everyone who goes through this is hang in there, it hurts like hell but things will get better and one day you'll look back and realize it was better you found out and got out when you did.
There were zero signs she was cheating?
I kind of thought she was a bit distant, but not cheating, but at that time I was dealing with a terrible case of arthritis at that time, so between going to the hospital and spending days, sometimes weeks in bed without being able to move I was not really thinking about it.
She just wasn't ever happy with anything. Swore up and down she loved me, but she was always mat at me and couldn't ever articulate why. I wanted to be better, but after a while, I just wanted to stop treading on eggshells every time I was around her.
I hope she has found something or someone to make her happy.
im was in the same boat a couple weeks ago its been lonely :/
He got weirdly into this kind of toxic masculinity, misogynistic bullshit that I was not down with. It's one thing to play with that consensually during sex, but I'm not okay with becoming a mini Andrew Tate clone
Girlfriend for four years had been cheating on me for at least seven months. We were a modern family with one kid each. Found out Sunday evening when I caught her texting. The worst is the kids when they will know they wonβt be together again. And her family, very good people. Sheβs dead to me.
She got bored of me, cheated, gaslit me and made me feel like I was treading on egg shells for 12 months and then we split up.
She'd have had permission if she had asked.
I just don't think straight relationships are for me.
I took her for granted and probably got too comfortable in our domestic life. She had a new work friend who had nothing better to do than talk to her all day about how she would be a better partner than me.
She?
~19 years of marriage ended late last year due to mental health issues + NPD. I'm still trying to get over it, but it's tough; she just won't leave me alone.
I am childfree, she wasn't. 100% not going to work, but we ended on good terms all things ocnsidered.
Just wondering what about her having kids was a deal breaker for you?
She didn't have kids already, but she wanted to have them in the future. I absolutely do not want kids, I even got a vasectomy in my early 20s.
It's not really an issue you can compromise on as a couple, so it was better to part amicably than pursue something with no future, for both of our sakes.
I find the question weird.
"I wonder why" does not imply "Inconceivable!"
Overstressing the point for effect.
I'm in the middle of a divorce.
uhh.. We're completely different people. Physical intimacy is really important to her, and I'm newly discovered asexual. I mean, I was always uncomfortable with sex, but I never realized how. I thought I had some kind of sex anxiety or something, but that's not it. So I can't provide what she needs and she can't provide what I need.
Also, I'm kind of feminine and submissive in most aspects in life, and she prefers a more confident, in charge kind of guy.
He said it was his mental health, and he could have no desires or feelings for someone. He said I was amazing and that he'd never met anyone remotely like me.
However he's now told me he's seeing someone, so I think he's full of shit.
I think he was lying.
He had a lot of mental health issues that he just wouldn't get help with.
He ended up being upset a lot because I didn't "react the way [he] wanted me to". In the end, I really did care about him a lot, but his clinginess and codependency on me was far too much for me to handle. He made it clear that he was unhappy, but also depended on me to make him happy. I tried very hard, but it was never good enough. Did my best to encourage and support him, but he just couldn't do right for himself.
He really was such a beautiful person, but loving someone is often not enough.
I really do hope that he is doing well now, wherever he is.
I really feel this one. still wonder if I could have done more, but maybe it's for the best in the end
I have the same thought sometimes, but you can't help someone who refuses help. They're essentially hurting you in that way, and that's not something that love can ever fix.
It's not selfish to think about your own well-being in a relationship. It's like a drowning person continually holding onto you because they're afraid of dying alone: you both end up drowning.
You can't keep hurting yourself for someone who keeps stepping into danger. Eventually, they need to learn to take another route. If they refuse or show that they really just can't, that's not a failing on you. You should not feel guilty for that. You're important, too.
Doesn't mean it doesn't suck, of course. But it's not your fault. You tried. You loved them. It's okay. It's not your fault.
^Sounds like BPD to me.
My ex was a Catholic and wanted children.
I'm an atheist and I'm childfree.
Curiously, I think kids had more weight in her decision to end it.
I don't think that's too surprising. I reckon in some ways the question of whether or not to have children is a heavier and more existential life choice than religion. Both are absolutely valid ways to live, but it's pretty much essential to be on the same page as your partner.
Probably my mental health issues, but I honestly can't really be too sure
Also, she ended up moving away and that was another big part of it. These two together just totally killed it. Of course there were other little things but I attribute most of the reason to the aforementioned problems.
I want to be back in a stable state and doing better with myself, but I feel like I've already screwed up every chance I've had at this point. There's no way she'd take me back but it is what it is, I guess. She's really great and being with her made me feel something again.
Her being a narcissist.
she smash my things
My partner's mental health issues, her family's mental health issues, my partner's decision to return to their home country during a global pandemic (somewhere I couldn't follow) leaving me to fend for myself, and that was a decade long relationship down the tubes, welp.
He didn't want to be with someone clingy but framed it as codependency, when in reality I was going through an anxious attachment phase because I didn't want to fuck it up. My incessant worrying was to blame but his lack of empathy made it worse. In the end I think I dodged a bullet because he was a functional alcoholic.
The number one thing I've heard from avoidant people is that perfectly human emotions, albeit perhaps unfitting for the situation, are "clingy" or "too much." They don't know how to ask for things like space and own their own needs. It's much easier to instead blame their inner turmoil and resistance on the relationship by singling out that one thing they think is wrong with it. That way they don't have to be vulnerable and admit they're imperfect too. I'm sure you might know all of this anyway, but just a reminder that it's okay and healthy to be a lil clingy and worried. Not your fault.
Thank you! Those are some very kind and validating words. π
Just curious, do you think your attachment anxiety was the result of how a prior relationship(s) ended? Because I suffer from it a bit now and I'm pretty sure that is a fairly big reason.
Definitely! I had such a streak of bad dates and relationships that I felt so traumatized. It made me so nervous while dating him that I was literally shaking when I felt that things weren't going right.
Funnily enough, two years later, now I feel the opposite. I don't really care about dating and I feel like I'd be the one detached. I just can't be bothered with giving so much for getting nothing in return anymore.
Well, you know they say, "The minute you stop looking...". Wish you the best of luck whether single or otherwise!
The relationship had been becoming more and more difficult for me to maintain, and it should never be difficult to be with someone, so I was on the edge. She had a lot of problems. Then she started causing drama with my brother's fiancee for no reason, and that was enough for me.
She had been depressed and drifting away for a long time -- she broke up with her other partner first, then a while later with me. She wanted a monogamous relationship, but I think wasn't honest with herself about that for the last couple years of our relationship.
I'm still with my other long term partner, and she is engaged now to a guy who seems great and supportive. I miss her, but I love her and want her to be happy, so I'm glad she's found what she wants.
She wanted kids, I didn't.
We're still best friends tho, since we do not resent each other for our own choices.
I... dunno.
My ex ignored me for like two weeks and had become closed of. He reinsured me, that everything was fine when i asked him. But the next time he visted me, he said that he wanted to break up, saying he made up his mind two weeks earlier. But i dunno his reason for it.
The break up was okay. I though about it myself, cause he treated me bad the whole 5 month we were together: he talked bad about my interessets and hobbys. He overstepped my bounderies. And everytime, i made him aware of that, he was like "you didn't make that clear enough". He made me push my bounderies.
Sadly, i allowed this kind of behaivor back than. I was used to it. During that time i did not know about adhd. I always acted weird as a woman and felt bad for not fitting in. I acted impulsive and had mood swings. I wanted someone to love me, accept me. So i excused these behaivors.
No. I did not allowed that behaivor. But he made me feel like i was crazy when i wanted to talk about how i felt.
Now i have more selfesteem, i am weird and loud and full of my ideas. I am in a beatiful relationship, i am loved and accepted as who i am. I But of course that expierence still hunts me. It still hurts.
Incompatibility from the start due to her not entirely honest dating profile, I also looked past her red flags, baggage, and past trauma, because I thought to myself that everyone has those and that I should remain humble.
Time zones⦠LDR suck.