AITA for doing a GoFundMe? (Details within.)
Living in the U.S. here, so non-American advice may not be the best thing for me, not sure.
I am living with an undiagnosed serious illness (haven't eaten for 45 days.) I am off work on FMLA, which is a thing businesses in the U.S. offer to their employees where you can taker time off and they will keep your job for you, but you don't get paid. We are not exactly poor, but we are going to be surviving for at least a month on a single income. That will be hard, but we'll make it if we cut back.
HOWEVER.
I have $1000 in medical debt, which will just keep climbing, and I also have a cousin who says that he can get me into the best hospital in New York- I'm in Indiana and we're not exactly at the forefront of medicine- to get thoroughly tested. I cannot afford either of these things. We do not have temporary disability insurance.
I have a lot of friends and relatives who might donate, but I feel like such an asshole asking for money. Especially when my wife is working and has a decent job. I've done everything I can since I was 18 to make it on my own and, while I have had to take handouts in the past, it was at the 'this or starve' level, and my doctor hasn't run out of tests to do on me yet, so I wouldn't quite put it like that. And what if the money isn't enough to go to New York and pay for all of this testing? Do I give it all back?
So should I do a GoFundMe? What do you think?
Please, please, please, please do not give me medical advice. I really really do not want medical advice from strangers on the Internet. I leave that to professionals. But I would love this bit of AITA advice.
TL;DR - Very ill, not working, in debt, possible solution in another state. Should I do a GoFundMe?
Do what you have to do. If people give you money, it's out of their own volition.
Hope you get better.
I know, but they're my friends and I don't want them to think less of me since I'm asking for handouts.
If they're really your friends, they will be happy to help you.
I've experienced similar quandaries in my life before, but you have to ask yourself, "would I think any less of my friends/family members if they asked me for help?"
I'd maybe be a little hurt that my friend didn't think they could ask for some help.
Fair.
American individualism and 'bootstrapping' is one of the great American Lies. There is no shame in needing help because broken social systems failed you. Anyone who would think less of you for needing help with medical bills is someone you don't want in your life anyway. if we were truly a civilized nation you wouldn't be having this problem.
You could ask a friend to set one up for you, which could help lessen that stigma
That would just make me feel guilty for asking them! I'm a guilt-ridden mess!
Great advice already here
Another thing is that you're not directly asking any particular person to donate. They have the option to just share the post with others (which is also great because there are more people out there who also want to donate/advocate on your behalf).
You can also include a message similar to what you have here :)
Hope things improve for you!
Very good advice! Thanks!
Consider going to see a clinical psychologist for therapy. I know you’re already swimming in debt but it sounds like you could benefit from this. Even if you had to wait until you return to work, it sounds like you’re going through it.
Thanks, I'm actually already seeing one for other reasons, so I have that covered.
Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed would you judge a friend harshly for asking for help? Of course not. Do what you need to do to survive.
True, I wouldn't.
I agree with the post above. As an American and as someone going through something similar, if it comes down to either asking for some funds from friends and family to aid in taking care of your family -- or risking medical debt -- take any help you can get. As you said in the original post, debt will start to compound and can get out of control fast. Further, managing that debt and your medical issue at the same time may take a wild toll on you and your family.
Take care of you and yours first, pay it forward when you are healthy. People won't think you're an a-hole if you are responsible with what they give. Anyone who does think badly of you for asking for help.... You maybe should reevaluate your connection with them because id bet people that care just want you back to good health.
Best of luck figuring it all out, I know it can be hard.
I totally agree. Let people know you need help, and if they're able let them help you! However, I have been financially scammed by sick friend before. Turns out they were sick because they weren't taking care of themselves and spending the money on the garbage making them sick. I still feel sorry for them, just wish they actually got better
Get your ass to that hospital, money be damned!!
This sounds very serious. At this point, you need to decide if you want to live and possibly be paying medical debt off for a while, or die.
Definitely put up a go fund me, but SWEET JESUS don't let the thought of medical debt drive you to what is essentially suicide.
Google tells me this:
Medical bills are generally classified as nonpriority unsecured debts, and they're a type of debt most likely to be discharged, or wiped clean, in a bankruptcy.
A bankruptcy follows you for a decade or less, so worst case, declare bankruptcy.
I appreciate what you're saying, although bankruptcy would really be a last resort because the debt is in my name, but I'm pretty sure bankruptcy would affect both of us and her credit rating is really, really good.
You can file bankruptcy independently. It’s a bit more complicated but possible.
I just went through it and honestly, I’m so relieved. It’s not something you want to go through, but sometimes people fuck up and can’t unfuck their finances. It helped me and my wife unfuck our finances. We declared bankruptcy in March and were debt free by May. We now own a house and are actually able to live our lives how we want. Our daughter turned a year and we decided to throw her a massive bday. We put 2 grand into her party. Something we couldn’t have done with our debt. We’re going to a couple USL playoff games this season as well.
On top of that we got new flooring in our house, something we desperately needed. We just had a new furnace installed. I have a quote coming for replacing our stairs that are falling apart. The loans are a pain to get but it’s doable and we’re paying them off before the interest gets too bad. Again, something we wouldn’t be able to do in debt.
Bankruptcy shouldn’t be something anyone wants to do, but also don’t be afraid of it.
I've been there, I have friends there now! Your health is worth more than money.
Until you know what it is, you can't treat it. Until you treat it, you can't return to normal for your family.
Go for it
Needing help doesn't make you a bad person - do it. If it makes them think less of you, them they weren't very good friends anyway.
Everyone struggles at times. Anyone can fall on hard times. That doesn't make you a piece of shit, it makes you unlucky - especially when it's for medical reasons!
FMLA isn't something that "businesses offer" it's a legal requirement that they are required to follow.
Only if they have over 50 employees. Mine does not. They offer it.
Hope you get better. Don't feel bad for asking for help. You aren't an asshole.
Yes, do so. And share it with lemmy.world.
I appreciate that, but I don't want to doxx myself, and that would require my real name. Otherwise, I like the idea.
The only thing I have to add is that there is this societal shame associated with asking for help. And it's fucking ridiculous!
We all need help sometimes, and others often want to help, but aren't aware you need help if you don't ask.
Take the money where it is available
I know several people who have done this and it's helped. I don't see the down side, unless nobody donates. Then you feel very unloved.
Well... of course... that's another issue. What if no one donates?
Bake Sale.
You wouldn't want to eat what I could bake.
Still would work as an 'excuse' to ask for money; "Please accept a badly baked cookie as a token of my graditute so that I don't feel guilty for asking for money."
Now we're going down a road to evil and I'm not sure I'm ready.
Do it and DM me the link please. :)
I'm from the country above, but what you described seems like something worth fundraising for. Not eating for 45 days is scary even as the reader (I understand you probably consume food somehow).
I hope you get the help you need and come out of this strong 🙏
I'm living on Ensure.
You should be getting paid just for how much you contribute to Lemmy
What's worse: Having your friends MAYBE "think less" of you for asking for money to fund your medical needs (and if they do think less, they weren't your friends anyway)....or death? Because this sounds like life or death, dude. A Go-Fund Me isn't asking 1 person to foot the bill for a large amount, it's asking many people to give a small amount. My cousin did a Go-Fund Me when she had brain cancer and sent it to everyone she knew, and we all donated.
Do you need the money fir actual medical bills, the ticket to NY, or both? I guess an alternative is taking out a medical bill loan (a quick Google search says they exist), but I don't know much about them. You said you have good credit, so you should be able to get one. Just because you have debt doesn't mean they won't give you the loan.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and that our American health care system is such shit.
I need money for both. And both existing bills and whatever the New York trip will cost in medical bills additionally.
And obviously death is worse, but I'd hate to think people only came to my funeral to piss on my grave. 😆
Just do the Go-Fund Me. If you lose friends over it, those bastards shouldn't be in your life anyway.
I can see you haven't done this so it's not "maybe my friends will think less" it's"maybe my friends will find out the severity of my disease and abandon me completely because only one or two of them were actually friends" ask me how I know
Don't assume you know anything about me.
OP doesn't owe their friends any medical information, even when asking for money for medical bills.
Have you inquired about financial assistance from the hospital?
A lot of hospitals offer this service but don’t advertise it. Source: work in a hospital
There’s not much I can say that hasn’t already been said but don’t feel shameful for asking for help with medical bills. It’s not like you’re out buying unnecessary things, you’re trying to get help. Everyone needs help now and again. I hope you get what you need.
I don't think making a GoFundMe for that is anything bad, in fact I'm of the opinion that it would be better if it was only a single GoFundMe that everyone is forced to contribute depending on how much they earn, and then everyone can use that, it would be a way to get the public to have access to healthcare, so we could call it public healthcare system, I think almost every other country in the world has a version of this which is why even if you hadn't mentioned places I know which country you're from.
As for the answer to whether you're the asshole is: It depends. Do you vote for politicians that oppose public health? If so then you're the asshole, you're saying that you are special and you deserve to have your treatment paid for you whereas other people do not. If you vote in favour of politicians that support public health, then you're not the asshole, because your vote indicates you're willing to do the same for others and had the people you voted done what you wanted you wouldn't need that GoFundMe, nor would anyone else in the same situation.
Is your condition stable, slowly worsening, or critical?
Before you do anything, talk to your doctor. They might be able to recommend a specialist in-state or closer than NY. They may even be able to work with a doctor in another hospital. If you want to go to NY, talk to the hospital directly (not through your cousin) and buy the ticket as close as possible. Unless your condition is severe and worsening, they may not be able to take you in immediately. Look at the hospital online and see if they have telemedicine services. You might be able to make an appointment through that.
Lastly, for the incoming medical bills my advice is this:
Edit: Also, NTA as many people have said. Best of luck, friend.
Apart from my losing a lot of weight, which is to be expected from not eating and I'm overweight anyway, it's stable. As far as specialists, believe me, I've tried. No one has an appointment open within the next three months. But the medical bill advice I really appreciate. Thank you.
You are absolutely not an asshole for needing help and asking for it.
Too often people need help but refuse to ask because of pride, embarrassment, or some other reason. To need help and ask for it is brave, not shameful.
It is both pride and embarrassment in my case, that's definitely true. Thanks.
I guess they are sort of the same thing. But I'm a firm believer that being able to identify why you might not want to ask for help (or feel any feeling, really) is an important step to take, because that can give you insight into what solution you want to pursue.
When I saw therapy, this is what was most helpful for me. Being able to identify the underlying reasons for my feelings was a game changer for me.
I agree, it's something that needs to be explored psychologically, but I don't know that I have time to work it out in therapy at this point.
Of course. That makes sense. I just meant to say that I think you being able to point to those things as contributor to why you are hesitant to ask for help is a good thing. 🙂
Agreed.
Be honest with people, tell them about everything and let them make the decision. Don't pressure them, avoid peer pressure in the family.
It's not shameful to ask for help. Just use the money for the intended purpose and I'd say it's alright.
Get well.
(Disclaimer: I'm not from the USA)
Oh, I would never pressure them! I'm kind of afraid to even ask in the first place which is why I posted this, so pressure isn't even a possibility.
Yeah, I figured you'd be a person who also doesn't like to pressure people. I just said it because for me that would be the factor that distinguishes a noble thing from a bad thing. And since you're not doing it, I cannot see it being bad per se. It's just an invitation from your side.
I think it would make me very uncomfortable too. Asking for help isn't something I do. And asking for money makes it even more uncomfortable.
But sometimes things just suck. And I'd say familiy and friends are supposed to stick together and sometimes help each other out.
And judging by how many people I've seen on Reddit who suffer with some kind of mental struggles and don't talk about it (to real-life people) or ask for help, I think most people aren't good at asking for help. But they should.
Have you tried speaking with the hospitals patient accounts department? A lot of hospitals will offer discounts, or even financial assistance, which could help with part or all of the bill.
Not yet, but they seem to be letting me take my time for now thankfully.
It's worth looking into. A hospital near me offers financial assistance if your annual income is less than 300% of the federal poverty guidelines.
Get the best treatment you can, worry about the bills and a gofundme later when you have a clearer picture of what's up.