A definitive list of woke and non-woke foods

Venator@lemmy.nz to Not The Onion@lemmy.world – 210 points – A definitive list of woke and non-woke foods
thespinoff.co.nz

In announcing changes to the school lunches programme, David Seymour said kids would no longer be served ‘woke’ foods. To clear up any confusion, The Spinoff has compiled a guide to the wokeness levels of some common food items.

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Just hoping that everyone understands that The Spinoff, like The Onion, is a satirical website

Except that it isn't.

The Spinoff is a New Zealand online magazine and news website that was founded in 2014. It is known for current affairs coverage, political and social analysis, and cultural commentary.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Spinoff

Founded in 2014, The Spinoff has grown to become Aotearoa’s most innovative independent media organisation with a focus on vibrant, modern coverage of current affairs and pop culture.

Known as 'the mid-shelf red wine of New Zealand journalism', The Spinoff focuses on stories and issues that affect everyday New Zealanders across our core sections of pop culture, politics, Ātea, books and kai.

Ambitious, curious and always seeking multiple perspectives, we've built a trophy cabinet of prestigious journalistic awards, and continue to attract the country's top creative talent.

https://thespinoff.co.nz/about-us

I was thinking the whole time going through the list that it was satire but then I looked up the website and it appears to be a serious website. They can't actually be serious though right ???

Curry is woke! Finally someone said it!

... it's because it's foreign and makes my mouth feel burning. I don't like it. I'm glad someone is finally standing up to this woke nonsense invading our culture!

...holy shit, I was pretending but are these guys just afraid of being colonized? It's like a projection of a fear of being on the other side of the historical fence, a subconscious history they can't acknowledge so it comes out as a fear of foriegn things they don't understand being in control of their "new world"

Yeah fuck curry! I want real American food, like pizza, or tacos!

Yes! Or that stuff from 80s movies... That they had at the end of long business meetings: Chinese take out!

So much better than foriegn foods like German Hamburgers or French fries.

Nah: Real American food like freedom fries!

Based on that list; here are two ChatGPT generated meal plans, one for a woke person and one for a not woke person (don't ask about the numbers, it probably can't count):

Woke Meal Plan:

  • Breakfast: Avocado toast with quinoa sprinkles (Approx. 350 calories)

  • Snack: Banana with almond butter (Approx. 200 calories)

  • Lunch: Quinoa salad with chickpeas, mixed greens, and avocado (Approx. 450 calories)

  • Snack: Hummus with carrot sticks (Approx. 150 calories)

  • Dinner: Tofu stir-fry with a side of non-dairy milk (Approx. 400 calories)

Total calories: Approximately 1550 calories

Not Woke Meal Plan:

  • Breakfast: Bacon and cheese omelette with a side of toast and cow's milk (Approx. 600 calories)

  • Snack: Chocolate chip muffin (Approx. 400 calories)

  • Lunch: Burger and fries with a milkshake (Approx. 1200 calories)

  • Snack: Cheese and crackers (Approx. 300 calories)

  • Dinner: Spaghetti-topped pizza with a side of garlic bread and a glass of cow's milk (Approx. 800 calories)

Total calories: Approximately 3300 calories

These are rough estimates and may vary depending on specific ingredients and portion sizes.

So chatGPT is basically going with the interpretation that healthy and woke is the same thing when it comes to food. That feels about right.

Why does it insist on accompanying dinner with a glass of milk?

For getting a contrast b/w dairy and non-dairy

Well, sure. But Mr. Non-Woke apparently needs cow's milk in all three meals of the day anyway, so it didn't need to have milk with dinner specifically.

People who drink milk can include:

  • Not Woke Children: Milk is often a staple in children's diets for its calcium and nutrient content, essential for growth and development.
  • Not Woke Farmers: In rural areas, farmers may drink milk from their own cows or livestock.
  • Not Woke Athletes: Milk is sometimes seen as a source of protein for muscle recovery and growth.
  • Not Woke Health-conscious individuals: Some people drink milk for its calcium and vitamin D content, believing it promotes bone health.
  • Not Woke Movie villains: While not a common trope, some movie villains may be depicted drinking milk in a sinister or unsettling manner, contrasting the innocence associated with milk.
  • Not Woke Movie villains: While not a common trope, some movie villains may be depicted drinking milk in a sinister or unsettling manner, contrasting the innocence associated with milk.

That happened one time!

You paint a whole house, and nobody calls you a painter. But you drink one glass of milk...

No Country for Old Men or A Clockwork Orange

Okay, two times! I haven't seen No Country for Old Men yet. It's on my list, but it keeps getting bumped for more lighthearted stuff.

You can get a milk marathon going, continue to Inglorious Basterds, V for Vendetta, Get Out, Alien, Leon (kinda) and The Boys series

Because some people enjoy milk with their food? (I know it’s not the answer you’re going for)

Banana = NOT WOKE

Too confusing for computer smh

Apologies for the oversight. Let's adjust the woke meal plan accordingly:

Woke Meal Plan (Revised):

  • Breakfast: Avocado toast with quinoa sprinkles (Approx. 350 calories
  • Snack: Apple slices with almond butter (Approx. 200 calories)
  • Lunch: Quinoa salad with chickpeas, mixed greens, and avocado (Approx. 450 calories)
  • Snack: Hummus with carrot sticks (Approx. 150 calories)
  • Dinner: Tofu stir-fry with a side of non-dairy milk (Approx. 400 calories)

Total calories: Approximately 1550 calories

"appy slicey not woke"

Snack: Sliced cucumber with almond butter (Approx. 200 calories)

Surely that spaghetti-topped pizza isn't real, that's got to be from one of those ragebait tiktoks or something right? That looks and sounds awful.

It's actually really good. Not that one in Particular, put Pizza with Tomatoes sauce, spaghetti and cheese is actually great.

I like my bread with more bread on it.

I mean, baguette pizza is also just bread on bread, and we all love that

First I've heard of baguette pizza but now I must try it. I've had pizza on a baguette before but never baguette on pizza.

You've never placed three baguettes on top of a pizza? We've all done that!

We made a Lo Mein pizza at one of the places I used to manage. I tried one piece. It wasn't bad, but there's no reason, outside of competitive swimming, to carb load that much

I think the funnest one is “ Spice, all = WOKE”, like damn…. All spices in the world?

Maybe they meant allspice, but I wouldn't be too surprised if black pepper was too hot for them.

If anything, spices are NOT woke. Empires are built and people enslaved out of spice

Hot dog, battered

...the fuck is this woke-ass gender neutral bullshit?

It's called a CORN DOG, and they are glorious!

Not woke: penis for boys.

Not woke: pussy for girls.

Not woke: anything to do with people whose skin is not Lily-white.