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Kairos@lemmy.today to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world – 461 points –

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How would you hide the body of a 165 Ib, 78 year-old white male who is approximately 6 feet tall?

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Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead.

You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm.

They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

Well, thank you for that. That's a great weight off me mind. Now, if you wouldn't mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course?

Though I'd suspect you do want it in the deep freezer for some period of time, it makes the whole "blood and innards" thing much less of an issue to deal with I'd think. At least for chopping and/or bagging

So what you do NOT want to do is try to dismantle the torso. You pop the peritoneum and everything will kind of come out like a poorly wrapped burrito and you'll have a right mess on your hands.

Oh absolutely, legs, arms, and head are still full of messy stuff though.

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

So you call yourself fuxk spez yet you kust copy/paste your comments from older comments in the same thread?

I copied and pasted my comment from IMDb and then discovered someone else had already posted it. If I was that lazy I wouldn't have bothered removing the other person's line breaks.

IIRC from last time, someone on Reddit suggested digging a vertical hole (smaller visual footprint in an aerial search), covering the body with yogurt (to speed up decomp), and then burying a dead animal above the body (to throw off the cadaver dog's handlers).

Cadaver (or HRD) dog handler here. It'll only confuse the cops, not the dog handler.

Gotta put crushed up glass between the body and what ever dead thing you buried close to the surface to discourage digging

Fuck no, that would only encourage digging because it's too suspicious.

Good point. Perhaps we also put up a cautionary sign that reads, “Warning: Crushed glass below. Do not dig. No corpses buried at this site.”

Yeah that seems like it should work :D

By the animals not investigators...if they're looking there you're already fucked

The animals don't do any digging. They just report the death smell, and the handlers then have to dig and confirm why the dog reported.

Depending on climate and soil type, you will need to dig a 3'wx6'lx3-6d hole. USFS land is great for this. Place nude cadaver in hole and coat with 10-15lbs of lye. Refill hole with excavated soil to approximate level of surrounding area. Disperse excess soil thinly over a wide area. Finally, cover disturbed soil with natural debris from the surrounding area, such as pine needles, leaves, twigs, etc.

I love how if this were a serious post people would be up in arms. But since it's a shitpost everyone's ok with sharing their expertise. 😂

New meta: be as specific as possible so that others think you're being ironic.

It would take a couple of weeks but if you go out and vote it could function.

What

I guessed it was about a certain person who's in the news a lot right now before the american election... I'm potentially totally wrong.

There is absolutely zero likelihood Trump is 165lbs. Try 1.5x that, at the very least.

Also he is not nearly as tall as he claims to be.

Also he is not nearly as ________ as he claims to be.

fill in the blank with anything he's ever claimed to be

Must've mixed up kilos and american freedom units 😅 and similar for height...

Depends upon what your are hiding it from.

If the white male is a human and understands your language, maybe you can convince it to hide - in your closet / behind a tree / under a bed / behind some bushes etc.

The "Weekend at Bernie's" method seems to be working well enough already.

It worked with Biden for about 3 years before people noticed. (Poor form, I know, but couldn't resist.)

Mixed feelings because I want to share the correct method but doing so could prevent justice from being served.

Instead, just go with that pig method, I'm sure butchering a human body wont create piles of evidence on every surface, and truly pigs are magical machines that leave no trace of what goes in from what comes out.

Just tell him "hey, aren't they serving dinner at the home soon? I heard it's Jello night!" and he'll leave.

Move it to heaven or hell.