How do I tame my frustration toward my aging parents?
My parents are 57 and 63. My mother is erratic, forgetful, and when she gets mad she sometimes screams and throws things. My father is slowly going deaf, getting slower and more stubborn and forgetful as well. They can be infuriating sometimes, but I know that they're aging and I can't be mad at them. How do I deal with this, especially early on in preparation for further down the road?
Speaking as a 57 year old, it seems odd that they're both having cognitive problems. As you might guess, most of my friends are around my age and literally zero of them are in any kind of decline like that.
Out of curiosity, do your parents have a carbon monoxide monitor in their home? IANAD but it's my understanding that long term, low level CO poisoning can lead to symptoms like you're describing.
Simple iron deficiency can also lead to rapid mental decline, and is very easily remedied.
Or B12 deficiency?
B12 deficiency causes iron deficiency
No, b12 deficiency causes anaemia, not iron deficiency. it's also independently a cause of nerve degradation and cognitive issues, much moreso than just iron deficiency. However it'd also be a little odd for two people in a couple to both get it at the same time.
Good to know because my well water is full of iron
Iron deficiency isn't just caused by not consuming enough iron, it can also be caused by your body not being able to absorb iron for one reason or another.
My blood is full of it, I'll be fine.
Yeah that's the part that jumps out of this scenario. 57 and 63 is generally way too young to be seeing significant age related cognitive decline. Both of them having worsening cognition + worsening mood problems sure sounds like an environmental toxin. Lead poisoning is a likely culprit. I would get them to a doctor to test them for heavy metals and other common harmful environmental materials.
Agreed… doctor up, hit the gym, eat some veggies.
Seriously though OP, if they haven’t seen a doctor, try to get them to go get tested for environmental toxins and nutritional deficiencies. Some of this stuff can clear up like magic once you’ve identified the problem.
Yeah, OP really ought to consider whether they’re having medical issues. As I started reading the description, I was expecting to chime in based on similar situation with my Mom. I love her very much but she can be frustrating to deal with, for similar reasons.
… then OP gave the age. I’m 57. My Mom is 83 having these issues
This should be top comment. My wife and I are similar ages, and many of my employees are as old or older - I've never known anyone with that kind of decline around 60. If it was just one parent, I'd suspect early onset dementia, but two at the same time? Something is going on there.
You would hope. But it’s also entirely possible we have an unreliable narrator posting on the internet about their hyperbolic perspective and are just angry at their parents for taking their phone away and grounding them for setting the dog on fire again.
Folks shouldn't be forgetting so much it affects their lives at this point. Nor screaming and throwing things. Oof man, genetics are a bitch, get them care (at least checked out) and then get yourself setup as well.
Treat them how you would wish to be treated when you are old, forgetful, stubborn, deaf, and slower. Getting old can suck. It's angering. It hurts. They are humans with emotions. Don't forget that.
if they have helped their son to raise sooner on his feet and could afford to live by himself , he could have been at least remotely able to make their life a smooth sail..but when u stuck living with them and has to deal with their shenanigans with nothing significant to expect in return in the future then thats the infuriarating part
He never said he isn't capable of paying rent or wants to live away from his parents. Even then they are parents, you can't just neglect their problems because you don't have to deal with it. Unless your parents were terrible and you genuinely hate them, take care of them even if it's only visiting once in a while.
we are both making assumptions while op is mute. its good to debate but its futile.
What about taking the tiniest bit of personal responsibility?
it took two to take care of one person. it took only 10 years for me to become almost autonomous, but still only financially dependant. i cant as a single person take care of two people, not only 10 years, but basically 30 years or how long they will last while becoming more vegetable. at least i was a vegetable for the first 4 years..the nerve of some people..personal responsability..what does it even have with all of this ?
I keep seeing comments along the lines of calling OP's parents "elderly", but early 60s are barely reaching retirement age. They shouldn't be having such cognitive impairments...
Well, this post is about being prepared for when it gets worse.
I think you should start looking for specialists, especially with your mom's erratic behavior. She shouldn't be having that kind of cognitive decline yet.
Controversial, but until they are diagnosed with a mental illness, you have to assume they are in control of their actions regardless of their age. If a medically mentally sound 70 year old man is sexually harassing people, he's just as guilty as someone half their age (not saying your parents would do that, just proving a point).
My personal opinion is you choose who you have relationships with, including family relationships. If you want to keep a relationship with them, you have to accept that they are choosing to act this way (again, assuming no medical/mental conditions) and decide to love them anyway.
If they are actually experiencing mental decline and not just relaxing their inhibitions, as so many older people tend to do, then you need to get them to a doctor fast. Everything from medication side effects to vitamin deficiency can cause mental decline. If they have early dementia, or some other incurable mental ailment, talk to a therapist about how to handle the situation and stay sane yourself. Caring for someone you know will never get well is extremely hard emotionally.
STDs or UTIs can cause dementia symptoms. Could explain why they both have symptoms
You don't have to suffer abuse just because they are your parents. I would hope that if they were in their right mind they wouldn't want you to either.
Have a support system, if you have siblings do your best to share the load of responsibilities somehow. If you can, get some sort of professional care to help. Take any government assistance available to you or your parents.
Either your parents have serious problems or your mum is developing some form of illness. They need to see someone.
Aging seems to have a backwards effect. Elderly act more childish the older they get.
So try to think about how frustrated they may have been with you when you were a child. Now its like the roles are reversed. Its up to you to take care of them, to pay them back for the care they gave you, as it were.
Or, instead of the progeny taking care of parents, professionals could.
Yeah, if they can afford it. Personally, I feel that not taking care of your parents is disrespectful if you have the money and capacity to do so, but there is nothing wrong with paying professionals. But that is pretty expensive in my area. I feel the same way with parents who are entirely absent from their childs lives, keeping them in a daycare or under a nanny or even home alone at all times.
Extremely relevant Steve Hoffstetter: https://youtube.com/shorts/TPb7pd4UnXo?si=sYifsgGWAiYea5M3
Well you’re either too busy to take care of your parents because you have to make the money to look after them and so you pay for a professional
Or your too busy to take care of your parents because you have to work to make money in order to barely keep a roof over your head and still can’t afford to help them.
Pick one.
I'd rather a mix of both. Most affordable homes suck (my mom's getting there so I've been doing some precursory looking), so I'd rather have my mom living with my wife and I and having a nurse (nanny if you will) do the routine functions when that time comes.
This is so weird to me. In so many countries outside of the west different generations live with each other and take care of each other. I only think it’s fair for people to give back the same kind of care to their parents they received as kids
My wife was horrified to learn that we put our parents in a home when they get old. She's from Colombia and such a thing would be unthinkable.
Having said that I would never want my children to look after me. It's not fair on them.. they have their own lives to lead.
probably because where she lived probably doesn’t have the same housing/living wage/ economy crisis where you’re expected to work 14 hours of the day just to struggle to put a roof over your head let alone have absolutely no time to look after someone who is incapable and failing cognitively
Probably because of housing costs not driving up the need to work for 14 hrs a day in which no, you cannot look after an elderly person who is struggling. That is a full time job. You can’t expect a person already working two full time jobs to also fail at that.
57 and 63 is incredibly young to start losing all that. They sound like they are mid seventies / early eighties. Where are you that people are aging so fast? Are they getting enough exercise cuz this sounds more like very bad life styles or something is early onset rather than just aging. Something is very off with this situation. This isn’t healthy ‘aging’. Something is deeply wrong.
I was gonna say, my Mum's starting to get a bit like this but she's 86 so it's not a surprise ... 57? Hard yikes.
They are your parents and you love them, and want them to be treated well despite any problems they have now, is how I understand your tone. No matter how much you can or can't help them, remember:
You are just human and have very real limits to what you can take.
Be conscious of how much time you spend tolerating their behavior versus time you spend taking a break from it.
Edit: Reading this back, it feels slightly like I'm just pointing out the obvious and not really answering your question, so I want to elaborate a bit on why I felt it is relevant. Any interaction you have with them while exhausted, is a danger to your relationship with your parents. You take more of a toll on your sanity, and you have an increased risk to act cold, snap at them, or use needling language. Towards people with low introspection, this is just harmful to them - they just will feel bad and act worse - the world is against them and now even their child is mean to them. I'm not saying you have to constantly cushion and coddle them, but any stance you may choose to take where you set boundaries or talk sternly at them, must come from you when you are at your strongest, not accidentally when you're driven near mad. Though avoiding confrontations all together is of course also completely valid - you know better than any of us what you can or should confront.
Does your father have hearing aids? Studies have shown not hearing well can increase cognitive decline.
And if hearing aids aren’t acceptable for any reason, such as pride or money, some people get good results from Apple AirPods, in accessibility mode
That's a good point. Samsung has something similar in their settings.
Install a carbon monoxide detector in their house...
Get help when you can, remember to fill your cup before others, and try to make peace with the fact that you will have very little control over their older years.
I was a caretaker to my grandmother for a while and now am approaching a similar stage with my mother. This is pretty cynical, but at a certain point everything's a downward slope. Sometimes gentle, sometimes steep, and punctuated by good days but the overall course doesn't change. Accepting how little control I have and acknowledging the downward slope has helped in some ways. It's an absolutely brutal journey, but it's like a rip current. You can fight and swim against it or you can swim parallel to shore. You might end up further out in the end but you'll at least have the energy to make it back.
That is awfully young to be having cognitive changes and deafness. Have they been evaluated for health problems?
I can see why you are frustrated - if they are already falling apart, you could have decades of this behavior to deal with. I think it's ok to talk to them about it. You don't have to be mean. You are correct to be worried.
I would look at it as you're getting frustrated. It is important to identify the emotion and it can be valid.
It is also a reason why a lot of people describe caring for the elderly the same as caring for children.
Not to get extreme, but my Dad died at the age of 63 after having a series of strokes that really caused a huge decline in his ability to function. Forgetfulness, loss of mobility, just an all-around descent into almost like a second toddler age. I was helping to take care of him during his last few years and in the run-up to his ultimately dying from a stroke, it felt like everytime I turned around he lost some basic functionality that you just sort of assume everyone who isn't a toddler still has. At some point, without any of us knowing, the Dad I knew growing up was gone, and left in his place was this weak-willed person who craved only soda and cigarettes, that's all he'd ever ask about. He watched The Irishman on repeat for days or weeks on end, because he'd forget what he had already watched just minutes prior. It was frustrating as all hell, but I would give anything in the world just to have that version of my Dad back for even just a few minutes. There was a few times I lost my patience with him and I still regret it. He died two years ago and I still think about him almost daily.
Not to get melodramatic or macabre, but you don't want these memories of your parents to be haunted with remembrances of you losing your temper with them.
You can pick your friends, pick your spouse. You cannot pick parents. You dont have to forgive them just because they are your parents. Shit behaviour is not forgivable. If they are behaving like a 5 years old on tantrum maybe they need to be left with their thoughts and think it over. They will change their mind when they are left out of things.
So, I'm uncertain if the parent's behavior (screaming and throwing things w/ the mom) has been like this all the time and OP is finally getting fed up with it, or if it's really a sudden change.
I'd definitely first consider the advice from others in this thread to check environmental toxins or health stuff with the parents, esp. if the behavior of mom is a sudden change--but if that checks out ok, or if the mom screaming and throwing things has been present OP's life, it's not a bad thing to consider this advice above.
How you handle parents who were good (or decent enough) parents when they decline is different from how you handle abusive parents. And this advice here is solid for if OP's parents are abusive.
I imagine the people downvoting it are people who grew up with stable parents who maybe did descend into (normal) decline and thus are thinking of their own experiences and can't imagine what it's like to have genuinely bad parents one's entire life, or the harsh boundaries one has to set to win yourself free of them.
But OP does need to take context into account (including stuff they might not have put in their story) and evaluate if the screaming/throwing things is actually new, or if it's always been that way and they're finally getting fed up enough to want to break free.
Hmmm..
I think I can see where that took you.
On this subject, the shallowness of your thoughts is only matched by the authoritative way in which you express them.
Can I suggest you to allow yourself to be left your thoughts to think it over.
People are going to recommend specialist or convincing them to get hearing aids and what not but that's just not it.
Growing up, my grandad lived with us. And he's exactly as you describe your parents. Deaf and stubborn but refusing hearing aids. Having temper tantrums, etc.
The way to deal with it is honestly to be firm and to set hard boundaries. But at the same time you've got to be able to redirect them and sort of distract them by allowing tolerable BS so as to avoid really destructive bs old people can do.
For example, my parents would indulge my grandfather in his doctor shopping medical bullshit. They'd let him go to different doctors about his diabetes and general age related illnesses and change meds. Inconvenient to take him to clinics and fill his ever changing prescriptions but better than him constantly bitching about his partly imagined health issues to us and to the rest of the family and doing his oh misery is me, nobody cares for me bullshit. We could always deflect by saying you just went to the doctor last month or last week.
We wouldn't let him drive at all. When we moved him in with us we made sure to have his vehicle left at his house in the ghetto. Not driving was a hard boundary. My grandad was prone to getting confused, had poor eyesight and was hard of hearing. So when he'd demand to get his car or want to go off somewhere on his own, we'd always deflect. We'd offer to drive him or offer to do whatever bs menial errand he'd decided was massively important. However, you have to make sure it's at your own convenience. You can let them take over your life like that.
When he'd get upset at something or other like politics, you've got to listen and let it go in one ear and out the other. You can't let your emotions outwardly match theirs. The same way a parent would grit their teeth and flatly respond to a 6-year old child's bullshit, you got to deal with the elderly. You cant be screaming, if they are screaming, it just escalates. You listen, you don't take it personally, and you deflect from that topic as quickly as possible. You tell them, you'll look into it, you'll try. Maybe later. Maybe next week. Oftentimes they'll forget that shit anyways.
Oh and finally, make sure they don't hold any actionable power over you. Like financial power or ownership of the car or house that you use or live in. An old person can be very vindictive and will use it to abuse you if they can. For example, my grandad, had a bunch of money sitting in the bank on account of being a massive miser and offered it to my parents when they were buying a house and stuff. They never took it. My aunt did and still regrets it. He was real mean to her about that loan. It's just not a good time.
We have a saying from my side of the world. It goes, "A mother can take care of nine sons but nine (grown up) sons can't take care of one old mother."
Yes, it is infuriating, but getting mad at the situation only makes things worse. It isn't like they will change or "get better" - you (hopefully) get better from a cold or illness. You don't exactly "get better" from old age.
If they listen to you at all, consider that a win. If they are financially in decent condition, that's also a massive win. If you can convince them to improve their health that has the potential to help the situation - eat better, maybe go for walks around the neighborhood.
I am going to assume that you don't live with them, so one thing that has helped my mother tremendously is getting her an iPad. Both parents (who are older than OP's parents by quite a bit) are not tech savvy in the slightest bit (I can not stress enough how NOT techie they are), plus their native language is not English, so communication for them has always been a little difficult. But getting my mother an iPad and installing Facebook on it was easily the best gift ever. She is able to communicate with relatives she hasn't seen in decades. She can video chat with people 1/2 way around the world. It really is pretty amazing, especially since before the iPad, she's never used a computer or had an email address or anything like that. Facebook gets a lot of well-deserved hate, but set it up for them, block whatever you can block and just make the it as streamlined as possible for them to use it. The large screen size on the iPad works infinitely better than a small phone screen.
i am the eldest at 28. they r 76 and 66 respectively..dont recall me on them going deaf..and i agree: they can be stubborn as a brick, especially when having an alpha dad lol. infuriariting ? can't state enough..but i always pour one out to cope with all of this..and maybe waiting to find someone reasonable i could live with 🤷