What are your jokes for younger children?

cynar@lemmy.world to Ask Lemmy@lemmy.world – 119 points –

My daughter is 5 now. She's discovered the joy of telling jokes. Unfortunately, her repertoire is painfully small. I've also realised most of my jokes are either not age appropriate or too situational.

What are best/worst kids jokes? Extra points for any that would make her teacher groan. Apparently she LOVES jokes. 😁

94

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? "Fsssssh" (only works if you say it out loud, and they know how to spell)

The start of one of my favourites, that fell completely flat.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What big brown and sticky? A big stick.

What brown and hurt if it fall on you from a tree? A piano.

Que flat confused look.

5 years olds can be a tough crowd.

Gonna jump in here so you teach your kid right:

Cue, pronounced "Q," is the spelling for "time to go on stage or say your line " or in this case, "time to look confused."

Qué is pronounced "K" and is basically Spanish for what, although "por qué?" is "Why?"

I know that because of the old joke about the lady crying at her husband's coffin "Por qué, por qué?" And the coffin opened and said "Butter." But the reference is too old.

Anyway Queue is the last one, it's English English, pronounced "Q" and means people standing in a line, just as all the silent letters are.

I thought queue came from French

Originally, yes.

But in present usage Americans say "line" while Brits say "queue."

I'm not sure about other Anglophone places.

There's a few spellings I apparently have blind spot for. That is definitely one of them.

What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

Why did the blind man fall in the well? He couldn’t see that well.

A man goes to the doctor and says "I think I have hearing problems." "Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure! Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

Did you hear about the huge sale at the Lego store? People were lined up for blocks.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, "Do you want to hear today’s special?" I said, "Yes please." "No problem sir. Today is special."

I'd tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't get it.

I used to work at a toy factory making plastic Draculas. There were only two of us, so I had to make every second Count.

First 3 should get a good reaction. The rest require context I'm more sure she's picked up on properly yet.

Did you know that the US government keeps and provides access to a database of dad jokes on fatherhood.gov, one joke at a time?

You could also snag this full dad jokes database from kaggle which contains over 13k dad jokes.

Hope you both enjoy!

Leave it up to lemmy to provide the link for government approved dad jokes...

Liberals... always going back to the governments teet.

I agree. This is definitely an ideal context to talk about politics.

I like make my own jokes homegrown on the range using, cough, tax-subsidised water...

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Who.

Who who?

You’re making a good owl!

My parents told me this was my favorite joke when I was around your daughter’s age. Apparently I used the joke non-stop and my parents still laughed every time because of how much I cracked up at my own joke.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Aww don't cry, it's just a joke!

Knock knock.

Who's There?

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could Yodel!

One joke that both my kids loved at that age goes as follows:

There's this farmer who sits with his dog on a horse-drawn cart. Suddenly, the horse turns its head and says "Beautiful weather, boss!". Obviously, the farmer is stunned. Then the dog nudges him and says: "Huh that's funny. That horse just talked.".

I'll definitely be teaching this one to her. Even if only to see how badly she garbles telling it back!

do you have any holes in your socks?

no?

how'd you get your feet in there?

*adult looks accusingly at the kid*
*kid stares at his feet in cosmic bewilderment*

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

What do you call a fly with no legs? A walk

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea

shouldn't that be a fly with no wings ?

Love the deer ones lol

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because they didn't have chickens back then.

People who run in front of cars get tired.
People who run next to cars get winded.
People who run behind cars get exhausted.

Men who walk sideways through a turnstile go to bangkok

People who ride a bicycle next to cars are too tired. People who ride old bicycles next to cars eating pennies are penny farting.

Is your refrigerator running? Yes? Better go catch it!

A big hole was dug at the police station. They’re currently looking into it.

Why do firefighters wear red suspenders? Keeps their pants up.

Q: What do you call a large amphibious mammal with a huge mouth, large teeth, fat body and goes around swearing at passers-by?

A: Hippopottymouth

Has she discovered the use of puns yet? I would recommend those cheesy dad-joke books and the joke pages from copies of Reader's Digest.

She's discovered the concept, along with jokes, she doesn't quite "get" them yet. She gets the basic idea, but not the subtleties that make them work. The results are cute, but horrifically bad.

Have you done banana banana banana orange yet? Can be retold many ways by kids who didn't quite get the pun, like "grape you glad I'm not a banana." Hilarious every time, when you're the 5 year old.

How about elephant jokes? There are so many of those.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

Why'd the cookie go to the hospital?

He was feeling crummy!

What'd the envelope say to the stamp?

Stick with me, kid, we'll go places.

So this cowboy puppy comes in here and says: I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw

While I like this one. Unfortunately, I suspect it will get a blank, confused look. We've managed to almost completely avoid guns etc.

whats long, brown, and sticky? a stick.

what's long, blue, and sticky? a blue stick.

ive found kids live this due to the misdirection and then doubling down on it.

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Lettuce

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in and you'll find out!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Because it didn't have any body to go with

Wow, I've heard both of these with different punchlines:

  • Lettuce out, it's cold in here!

  • Because it didn't have the guts.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it

Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

My kiddo loved that around her age.

That does not sound very age appropriate

My favorite clean joke, what do call a ship on the ocean floor that twitches? A nervous wreck.

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.

Bah-dum-tsss.

I would suggest a book of jokes specifically for kids. Like this one.

https://a.co/d/fzOsG4b

It's free on Kindle Unlimited. You don't even have to let your daughter know that you're getting them from a book.

Be careful you're not getting something written by AI that is not just terrible, but completely inappropriate. A human author could also do that, but...

Funny thing about this on is that my wife actually ghost wrote it. A few of the jokes in it are my creation.

We don't get money from the sales. We just think it's cool that it's out in the world.

Knock, knock

Who's there?

The interruptive cow

The interrup-

MOOOOOO

Don't teach them this one unless you're visiting a relative you don't like

Do they not sell kids joke books in the check out line at the grocery store anymore? Used to be tons of those.

There's no room at the ubiquitous self checkouts, and smartphones have made printed media more novelty than EDC.

Why shouldn't you go the forest at noon?
That's when the ripe elephants fall from the trees.

Why does the alligator have such a flat nose?
Because he went to the forest at noon.

Bonus points if you space them out a bit with unrelated jokes.

I pull out a sketch book, say I will do a portrait and put my thump up for reference then hand them a high detail illustration of my own thumb. Lot of effort.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.