1st image: - A heavy set person who appears to be a man, in baggy jeans and a t-shirt, leaning against a wooden handrail, holding a laser skirmish gun
2nd image: A curly haired woman in makeup, wearing a teal coloured dress
I feel like I need to do more than just post a picture. In this case, the picture really does tell the story in a lot of ways, but still, there was a lot of pain and trauma that led me to this point.
I started off depressed and angry, lost in life, knowing what I needed to do, but feeling like it wasn't something I could do. And when I finally accepted that I could do it, years went in to it. A quick photo makes it look like a magical transformation, but there was close to 10 years between those photos, and a lot of self discovery, self exploration and pain. As well as joy, and surprises.
Ohh I love this one!
Perfectly summed it up with the pics for me ;)
Hey, I just want to say thanks for posting this. I'm just a random internet stranger, but I'm happy for you. I think Fred Rogers sums it up best, he is the epitome of kindness to me.
It's you I like,
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair
But it's you I like
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys
They're just beside you.
But it's you I like
Every part of you.
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you'll remember
Even when you're feeling blue
That it's you I like,
It's you yourself
It's you.
It's you I like.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm glad you were able to find your joy.
I started drinking at 13. Blacking out weekly by 15. Full blown alcoholic in 20s. The problem was, I was fairly successful so it was hard for me to admit I was truly fucked up. I managed a good career, family, friends, house, etc. I drank until blackout daily. In late 30s is when the true around the clock drinking started. Morning, noon, night and throughout the night. DT's. Started taking Xanax to fight off the anxiety caused by around the clock drinking. That was it. That's when I lost control. I had a moment of clarity after days of straight blackout during the first month of Covid quarantine. I asked a friend who had been sober for 15 years for help. Went to rehab. Took it seriously. Spend 2.5 months away from my family. Came back determined to live a life of sobriety and focus on family and career. I've got numerous promotions, my family is great and I'm 3.5 years sober and work daily to stay that way.
Tldr; lifelong drunk. Got sober at 40. Best decision I've ever made.
Also managed to be pretty functional while blacking out nearly daily (at my worst), and interestingly enough, the anxiety during the hangovers (which became pretty much any time in between) is also what finally caused me to turn the corner.
Good for you man
Huge desicion to make, I'm proud and I'm sure your family is also.
How did you not lose your wife and job?
I'm good at my very specialized job and alcoholics at the level I was at tend to hide very well.
I was born into an impoverished extremist right wing family. I enlisted in the military back when DADT was a thing. I was disowned as an LGBT teenager, and medboarded out of the military after being committed to inpatient facilities multiple times. After that, i was homeless for a couple years, living out of a car and then a backpack.
I finally ended up in this little town in Georgia, got a job at a little retail store, and moved into a trailer with one of my coworkers. Her friends kind of adopted me and i felt accepted for the first time in my life. We were all broke kids, but i told them i was going to be a millionaire by age 30. I was still pretty emotionally unstable and eventually moved on from that friend group, but it gave me the hope i needed to rebuild my life.
I slowly built a career for myself after that, working 70-80 hours a week for a couple years, until i had my foot in the door. It got a lot easier after that. I didn't quite hit my goal by age 30, but I'm close. I founded my first company at age 28, and raised a 10 million series A. My company is now worth 60 million on paper, but of course that's meaningless until we IPO. But it's profitable, and in the meantime, I've adopted a little family of people like me, and built a comfortable life for us. Life is good, and I'm content.
Now that you're pretty wealthy has your family decided to become your best buddy now?
No, they refuse to speak to me to this day. My gf's family called her to wish her a happy birthday last week, and i cried quietly wishing mine did that too.
Happy Birthday. Better late than never. We are here for you.
(Very?) Belated happy birthday! Your family are the people you’ve chosen to accompany you at this stage in your life, the other one, the one you simply happened to be born into, don’t deserve you. Lots of hugs!
Happy belated birthday girltwink! 🎊 🎉
The older I get and the more people I meet and lives I understand, the more I understand that true family are the ones you choose. You can't help who you are born to. It's nice to get their love and approval, but in the end, if they don't accept your choices or even you, that's not on you. That's on them. If you've done your best to be a good person, then they should have no reason to turn you out but for their own selfish reasons. It may never stop hurting, but over time, I hope you can find that comfort from your chosen family that chose you back. I won't soapbox too much about it though. I hope you had a great birthday. :) Big hugs from an internet stranger!
As a side note, talking to a therapist can really help you accept things if you ever want to give it a try.
Aww, thank you for your kind words JighlySackles 😝 I'm doing ok, all things considered. It still hurts a little, but yes therapy has helped.
I'm glad you're feeling mostly alright. That's a good place to be. Sometimes that's the best we get to be for a very long time too.
I think some things will always hurt. But it gets less. And it's not so crushing. It just takes time.
A great analogy I heard once is to imagine you have a box which represents a past source of grief, and in that box is a button and a ball. As we go about life, the box gets jostled and bumped by things that remind us of our grief. This moves the ball around and every time the ball hits the button it brings on the feelings of grief and sadness. The size of the ball shrinks with time though. When we first go through something traumatic our ball is very large, taking up most of the space in the box, so very small events bump the button, and it's going to hit that grief button a lot at first. But over time as the ball shrinks. As it gets smaller, the jostling and bumping doesn't make the ball hit the grief button so much. It might even graze it without pushing it. We may always have that box, and that's ok. And that button may get to the point it gets hit once after 20 years. But that's OK too. The grief gets less with time. 🙂
You are super cool, thanks for your story.
Accidental reinvention story.
I was an independent IT Management Consultant and in my free time I started a side project making a dark ride in virtual reality for the Meta Quest headset. Then Covid happened and my career paused suddenly giving my lots of free time so I focused on the title. It ended up being the 5th highest rated app on the Meta Quest App Lab store out of many thousands for the past year and a bit. I have not gone back to my old career, as well, this is my new career now. The insane part is that I always wanted to be an Imagineer since I was 6 years old, but my life really did not provide those sorts of opportunities. Then one day, when my title was released and the reviews started to come in, I realized suddenlythat I am now an Imagineer. Been 3 years and I still cannot believe it. Love what I do way more than my old career and with AI assistants, I am imagineering faster and faster which is nice as the only complaint I get is where is the rest of the theme park. Currently I am just about to update the single dark ride and add to it an open world theme park around (small today), the first bit of the second dark ride, and the ability to ride with loved ones and friends which is surprisingly magical. Like looking over at someone you know sitting with you on the omnimover and going through a highly detailed dark ride together is so much fun, especially for non gamers who want to try VR.
I am 50 years young.
36yo, I'm in the middle of tunnel currently.
I'm a spoiled, privileged shit. I have a very nice family, good friends, money to live comfortably in a big city. But my life is miserable still: after a succession of failures, I hate my job and suffer painful lonelyness, and I'm too shy to do what most normal human beings do.
I'm almost out of depression but I've yet to go through the reinvent yourself part. I feel like I'm going backwards.
I feel like that's the opposite of what the question asks. Ask me to delete if needed.
Try to go on walks in nature, maybe get out of the city sometimes. You don't want to go with anyone but maybe have some music to listen to. Hugs and good luck, you're doing your best.
Sounds like you're doing your best. Hope you come out the other side of the tunnel better for it.
Sometimes it helps to just get out of your comfort zone, it's hard, it's painful, and sometimes you end up just looking like an ass. You just grab a crazy thought and run with it. You don't necessarily have to fly off to Uruguay and drop off the face of the Earth, but just go out to a part of town you haven't been to, connect with an old friend, or go to some event you've never been to before. Take a pottery class, act in a play, go get food from a questionable, broken-down food truck in a shady part of town, write a shitty novel during NaNoWriMo, whatever. I find myself getting into ruts on occasion, where I'm almost too comfortable with life and it gets depressing somehow, it's hard getting out of it sometimes, but just getting into a novel situation can jumpstart something inside sometimes, just don't always go with the expectation of "finding someone". Loneliness is tough, but in a way it's freedom from constraints and responsibility.
What does bring you joy?
Often times we focus on what doesn't bring us happiness instead of what does.
I was born into an abusive "family". Fled into my head. Became the quiet brainy kid. Underfed and sleep deprived but did well in school and most people ignored the abuse.
Eventually studied at university, very high achieving, still hiding in my head. Super awkward with people. Autism didn't help. The awareness that I was autistic made several light bulbs go on in my head.
I stopped contact with all of the exfamily and after uni wanted to focus on healing the trauma. Picked up several chronic diseases, realized I was non binary, got adopted by a cat.
Currently fighting to be able to work, if I manage I'll not go for academics as I always thought I would but for helping animals. Trying to get out of head. Have emotions, talk to people.
Hang in there. It gets a little better every year.
Can you elaborate on being in your head?
Sure. I'm just not sure how to elaborate. :/ Do you have any specific questions or thought process you'd like me to comment on?
I became physically disabled at 42, I'm 49 now. I was the main / usually sole provider for my family. I was pretty suicidal for a while and had a really really tough time adjusting. Midway through I was diagnosed with bipolar and medicated appropriately. I'm doing fairly well now and actually looking forward to the rest of my life.
Happy for you!
I started off in the late 1980’s in a mid-sized midwestern city… I was smoking cigarettes, a lot of pot, drinking and carousing with the same friends that I’d had since high school, but I was in my second year of college. I was getting decent grades, but I was really distracted and having some drama with bad girlfriends.
Two weeks after my 21st birthday, I left for Southern California - I had a parent out there, and I ended up staying for 16 years. I stopped smoking basically the minute I got there, spent a lot of time driving around a new city and thinking… and basically came to the realization that since nobody there knew who I had been before, I could approach social situations without the baggage of all those previous decisions that I’d made with my old circle of friends. I was less of a “pleaser”, less of a doormat, and less afraid to speak my mind - and my new friends responded positively to it, so I was encouraged to cultivate that. It helped me be more decisive and independent, and gave me a foundation for everything that followed.
I finished an associate’s degree, got a black belt in a martial art and taught for about six years, and met the woman who is now my wife. We got married, traveled to other countries together in Europe and Central America, quit our jobs to live on a horse ranch, and eventually moved BACK to that same midwestern city to start a family.
I wish I could say that since we moved back, I’ve never felt like the person I was before - but I have to confess that I feel like being back here HAS eroded some of that confidence, like I couldn’t hack it out West and ended up back here after all.
I know it’s not true, but San Diego is where I became the person I wanted to be. Back here is where I had been the person before that. They say “you can’t go home again” - I submit that you CAN, but that maybe you shouldn’t.
Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.
Terry Pratchett
Yoooo, you’re singing my song - GNU Terry Pratchett, love his writing so much.
And thank you; that’s very true, and it’s good to be reminded from time to time.
I found I had some backsliding when I went back to my original hometown too.
I expect it's the same mechanism where even if you know you're adult and might even have grown beyond where your parents were, you still feel like a little kid around them sometimes? Even if they don't DESERVE to have that sort of power over you these days?
I wouldn't consider it proof of anything bad beyond our little monkey brains sometimes doing the things monkey brains do, like hold onto bad stuff and bad memories.
You’re right, and I generally remember that I have many blessings to count… but like you said, primate brains doing primate brain things.
I had the most abstract corporate software job you can imagine and had to dress up every day for it. One day coming back from lunch I saw my entire future laid out in front of me. Fat piece of corporate garbage without talent and around people I hated.
I applied for a job with an industrial machine designer. Never looked back.
Start: Woman
End: Man (WIP)
Can't reinvent myself more than that.
@edit: Sincerely, accepting myself as transgender was the best thing that happened to me. I went from depressed nerd who sees his body solely as a puppet for his mind to someone who actively cherishes their body. Now I'm reading fitness books and fashion guides because I like my physical existence on earth and want to perfect and protect it. I have a goal on which kind of life I want to have and how I want to look instead of aimlessly asking myself why nothing ever works for me. Being trans is pretty fucking awesome for me.
I didn't reinvent myself so much as I started being honest about my identity.
When I was younger, I was very talkative and social, and I was punished for it in elementary school because it was disruptive. This is probably because I was surrounded by family and felt comfortable talking to anyone about anything. Over time, I started to become reclusive and have a severe fear of authority. Eventually, my friend group started shrinking in high school until I had what felt like nothing. I stopped attending school and slept for six months during my senior year. Eventually, I started returning from my shell and interacting with people online.
Since I was still in my depressive state, I thought it was all too good to be true, and I faked my death online because I thought no one would care and it would be an easy transition into something else. I was very, very wrong. People I had met online started creating memorials and trying to contact people I knew IRL to give them condolences. It was the first time that I realized people liked the person I was unfiltered.
After that, I got my GED and moved to a new town where no one knew me to go to college. While there, I decided to be the person I was and not the person I had been trying to be because I thought that was what people wanted. Even then, I was introverted until COVID happened, and I fell back into depression due to a lack of human connections.
I'm glad to have learned this all now, but I wish I had known it 20 years ago.
Nothing too extreme, but I’m in my mid-30s and this year has been one of the most productive of my life. I started a new job in late December. The pay is similar to the job I left. The stress is much lower. Immediately I felt like I had a better work life balance. I have so much extra energy every day.
I started dieting and taking long walks. I lost 35 pounds in 6 months. I listened to a bunch of audiobooks while walking and I’ve also read some ebooks. Together I’ve read 25 books and counting this year whereas most years I’ll read 2 or 3. Once I was nearing my goal weight I increased my calories and started exercising more intensely, with a goal of gaining muscle and losing fat while maintaining weight. I picked up indoor rowing. I’m on week 11 of a 24 week training program. I row hard (working up an intense sweat) 5 days a week Monday- Friday in the mornings. In addition to this I’ve started weightlifting 2 days a week and will gradually increase to 4 days a week while keeping up my rowing routine.
Financially, I started budgeting with YNAB and it has transformed my personal finances. My savings rate has increased significantly and wasteful spending decreased. I moved my savings into a HYSA. I left a financial advisor who was charging excessive fees and moved my investment and retirement accounts to Fidelity where I now manage my portfolio myself. Some of my reading was investing books which gave me confidence I could do this. I’ve tripled the amount I’m contributing to my 401k.
Although I’m new to my job I’ve received constant praise from multiple people in the time I’ve been there. I feel like I have room for growth to move up positions. At the rate I’m going I think I could realistically expect to move up in another 6 months or so.
I grew up in a religious home and was always pretty religious myself. In college i ended up leaving the church and religon entirely. I think the last straw was that there are so many mutually exclusive religions, but only one or none can be right, so how did all the "wrong" ones form? Turns out humans are very good at creating religions and cults, and it's way more likely that my religion is no different.
Leaving the church set me on a path of having to actually think about ethics rather than just going by "whatever the bible says", but besides not going to church on sundays my life didn't change a whole lot. But in thinking about ethics the only thing that seemed to be able to solidly root ethics was pleasure/pain, or more broadly wellbeing/needless suffering, not an in-the-moment stereotypical hedonistic view of it but broader, factoring in long term results and the impact on others.
That was fine for a while, until an argument with my dad where he pointed out "if that's what you base ethics on, why don't you include animals in it" and at first i was like yeah obviously kicking a puppy is wrong and that's captured by my view, but it got me to think deeper about it and my actions and i realized that all sentient beings are morally relevant, and i could no longer eat them for my own pleasure. After that i also learned fish are sentient and that the dairy and egg industry are very cruel too, and i couldn't support them either, and i went vegan.
Now my perspective is more refined, i would describe my ethical views most succinctly as sentientism, an antispeciesist extension/improvement on humanism
I’ve had a similar journey, and am consistently surprised at how common this path seems to be.
One thing i find particularly fascinating, that could be confirmation bias but i don't think it is, is that value/purpose/meaning is inherently and only generated by sentient beings. Even from a theistic point of view where god is all knowing and defines morality, it can only matter if that god is sentient in some way or another. Probably not explaining that super well but it's a train of thought that i find extremely interesting
I was a factory worker, warehouse worker, and machinist for most of my adult life. I learned a lot of really cool things in those industries, but I never made much money.
So I took some classes, taught myself Autocad, and somehow talked myself into a CAD position at a precast concrete company. And the difference between then and now is amazing from both a financial standpoint and a quality of life standpoint. Of course there are valid arguments that having enough money is a quality of life issue.
Even when things went wrong and the precast company started to spiral the drain, I went to find another job... and in two days I had to turn down four job offers.
I started with weight loss.
Lost 140 pounds, which led to me accomplishing a few other things, like performing in Newsies and becoming a roller derby skater.
I also lost weight, mostly out of stubbornness. We were sitting at the dinner table and people were making fun of my "mathleticism", I responded by jokingly saying that I could be super athletic if I chose to, and my sister then said she'd give me $1000 if I ever became "athletic". She still hasn't paid me. They still make fun of me, except now for going "from mathlete to athlete". So really I didn't accomplish much.
Yeah, I started to notice warning signs, like I'd walk a single city block and my feet would be sore, or I'd get up from my chair at the office and I'd need 2-3 seconds for my hips to "get right" before I could walk.
All of those added up to me committing to get into better health. Achieving some lifelong dreams along the way was just a side benefit.
I started off being born and it appears that I will end up dead.
Around 23 I was jobless, I had no HS diploma, depressed, had recently gone through a bad breakup, and if I wasn't able to move back in with my dad, I would have been homeless.
In the span of about four months, I got my HS equivalency diploma, applied to college, got a job, then quit that job to start college. ~5 years later, and significantly in debt, I had two additional pieces of paper that said I knew things, and I went on to struggle to find work in my local area.
I work in IT, there's a ton of jobs, none of the good ones are local to me; so I'm now slowly working off my debts, at menial jobs that don't challenge me, for menial pay that doesn't nearly reflect the amount of skill and knowledge I have.
Don't go to school kids. You'll accrue debt and nobody cares.
I had the opposite experience with going back to college. Went back to college for an IT degree at the local community college that carries about two dozen different agriculture degrees and a single IT degree program with another kid on the way, graduated with a 3.5 GPA. Despite living in a rural area surrounded by farm communities I landed a very cushy job 2 weeks before graduation literally making over double what either my wife or I ever made pre-college, and was clearly about to get an offer on another position I was interviewing for that paid slightly less than this one
Same. I went back to school pretty late in the game and had just been dicking around at community college for years. I got serious about it in my late 20's, graduated when I was 30, got a job within a month out of college, had my loans paid off within like 2-4 years. I'm making more money than I've ever made in my life and probably earning more than my parents ever did. It was quite possibly the best decision I've ever made in my life. A lot of it was probably just pure luck, but it worked out well for me.
Oh absolutely good luck brought the opportunities that have been presented to me but good decision making and a good attitude allowed me to seize the opportunities I've seized and bad attitude plus bad decision making caused me to squander the opportunities that were presented to me but ultimately shook their heads at me and left. I get the feeling that commenter above me may be doing the latter right now.
Unfortunately, my college didn't hand it degrees. So I have certificates from the institution I attended. I feel like I need to go back for a full degree. My country (Canada) doesn't really hand out degrees at colleges. That's reserved for universities. This has recently been changing and an IT degree program now exists (most universities focused on science, maths, engineering, medical, etc, for their degree programs... Most didn't have an IT focused degree when I attended college).
I have two diplomas, one in business, one in networking, both from the same local college, neither has landed me a coushy job, and I've never been approached about any well paying remote work. I'm still struggling to even come close to six figures (CAD) which is around $75k USD. I graduated and made less than $40k/yr USD, and I've worked my way up to ~55k/yr USD over ~10 years doing IT. (Full time working minimum wage here is around ~35k/yr CAD or ~27k/yr USD).
In this way, I see my diplomas as little more than wall decoration. Finding IT positions locally in Canada, the past range is typically well below 75k/yr USD, and to get any higher than that, the positions are generally managerial, which I don't want to do. I spent enough time in my business courses that I know I'll ill suited for such work.
Most job postings I've seen either require me to be on site (especially impossible for me, especially for US based businesses, because I have obligations here at home that I cannot abandon), or if they're hiring remote, they're only hiring US citizens for remote work, which I am not (no visa work available, and most postings I've seen are for companies with no presence in Canada).... So I think it's a combination of me being Canadian, and my college only handing out diplomas, that I've gotten so screwed by my experience. Either I commute for hours a day to the nearest large city, something that is extremely unappealing to me, or I work something more local with significant compromise (mainly to wages), or I have to change my vocation.
Remote work is basically a myth for me at this point; same with getting paid fairly for what I know, and since I've worked for MSPs, generally as the expert in everything, I know a lot; from Windows, to Linux, networking (which is my focus), and beyond... I could spend all day listing the skills I have. My LinkedIn profile won't actually allow me to put more skills on my profile because I have too many.
I have been chronically underpaid, and it bothers me.
I went from an in debt jobless alcoholic that really did not want to live, to being pretty much debt free (car loan) and having a six figure job that I'm really doing well in.
The turning point was meeting my best friend/soul mate and not accepting who I had turned into. I got a job and really worked my ass off to catch up, quit drinking, then quit smoking, and then things just started turning around. I'd really like to say it was from all the hard work, and maybe it was, but I can't help but feel I just got lucky.
As a 28 year old lazy scraping by alchohlic I hope my brains not too fucked up. It's only when I see posts like this that I (generally temporarily) reflect on it.
I guess scraping by isn't the right word. I have money and a good income. I just am checked out. Hate my job, drunk most of the time, have no idea what I want to do with my life. No real social contact.
If I wanted to "get it together" I'd have to start over. I work in IT and I hate it. I want nothing to do with it ever again for the rest of my life. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I've permadamaged it at this point though. Bleh.
I've struggled with substance abuse. Get sober and give it 6 months. The human brain is amazing, it will snap back. Just gotta give it a chance to adjust.
No time like now to take a step towards what you want to do. Do you have anything you're interested in doing? Just taking the first steps can lighten the load and help see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe a class or planning for your new career might take some time out of your busy drinking schedule.
I've found out the luckiest people I know also tend to work very hard to make the best out of the lucky breaks they get.
You could be the luckiest person in the world and still not improve themselves.
34 years old with two kids.
I spent my 20s working like a horse, and I eventually bought a nice house in a quiet town. I had enough money to go on vacation to Mexico every year with my wife and my kids. Basically, I was living the American dream.
Fast forward a few years later. My wife tells me that she wants a divorce and she is dating the guy she told me not to worry about. Getting divorced means that 50% of my assets go to her, and I need to sell my house. Child support leaves me with little money left at the the of the month.
So, how do I feel? Not bad at all, actually. Have I lost a wife? No, she has been returned. Have I lost my possessions? No, they have been returned.
My children are healthy. They have a good relationship with me and their mother, and they have everything that they need. I am grateful for this. Then, I am aware that they could be taken from me anytime (e.g. sickness). You have to learn how to control your expectations.
As for the future, well whatever that I decide to set my mind to, I will do so with diligence. I'm currently trying to come up with programming projects to keep myself busy. Who knows? I could hit pay dirt, eventually (or not).
Living according to Nature is what I strive for. Everything else is irrelevant.
I'm your age. Basically the same story minus the family. I sometimes regret being alone. It sucks. But I don't think I could handle a women shacking up with someone else and expecting me to pay her. Guess the grass is always greener.
It's okay to be upset about these things. Taking a "life goes on" approach to people who walked all over you is not healthy.
I was upset at first. Human beings have emotions and it's perfectly fine to feel them. You just have to make sure that they don't control you.
Little over a quarter life crisis. My job was slowly killing me. It was destroying my mental health, I knew I needed to do something about it. I was always on the mindset of "I'm to old to go back to school". Having gone to post secondary in my late teens and early 20s but promptly dropping out. Decided I needed to go back to school. Went back for engineering. Passed with honors and now I have a child. Life is far better than it was, it has its new up and downs but I'm much happier!
Kind of minor and I don't know that it counts as "reinventing myself", but I graduated from college at 30 years old. Prior to that, I had done mostly "lowly" fast food and warehouse jobs and didn't really have much going for me. My fallback was to maybe join the military and try to get something going through that, but otherwise had no real plans or ideas of what I wanted for my future. It's more than a decade later and in retrospect it still seems like one of the best decisions I've made in my life. I'm now in a career that I'm more or less happy with doing relatively important work and I have an actual chance at having some sort of retirement savings if/when I get a chance to retire (assuming we avoid the whole global climate meltdown Mad Max ending that it seems we're heading towards).
34 yo here.
2009 - Left school, joined Czech Radio as IT and Broadcast Technician.
2011 until 2022 was IT career only. I thought that's what I wanna do, but nope, and burned out in the end, which started another crisis like in 2009.
2022 - visited my friend at Czech Radio who still works there. The memories and such moved me so much I was determined to get back into Czech Radio or similar. I ended up in Czech Television in sound department. Couldn't be happier.
It doesn't happen often for me, but when crisis like these come around, I am determined to pursue whatever comes to my mind.
I wanted to feel loved. I just went through another break-up. My partner was actively trying to cheat at the time too, which is the second time I've experienced this behaviour. Now I'm not one to use small sample-sizes - but I am. So I took it as a sign that something was wrong with me. Does no one care about me? I politely listen to everyone, I help when I'm asked, I go out of my way for people... What was wrong with me?
I started blindly by researching anything that made me feel 'better'. I started a ton of language courses, Began research on psychology and ANYTHING related to it - I spent months learning colour theory because someone mentioned colours can affect our emotions and that was good enough for me to invest my time.
That was all useful, but it didn't help with my goal or reinvent me. It's the matter that I was desperate for change and seeking something I wasn't completely aware of.
My discovery of Mortimer J. Adler's How to Read was life changing. After reading it I began seeking information from the back. The philosophy chipped a crack in the corruption from my youth and I was finally able to ask the questions I needed for change. The psychology helped shape those questions.
I've seen many functional families in my youth, but I never questioned why mine wasn't and there's probably a good reason for that. I decided to approach my family on all of the verbal abuse and neglect I received in my youth. The rejection and blatant denial of events broke me and put me in a dissociative state; I experienced temporary ego death. The rejection was the most horrific thing I've experienced to this moment. However, the following two months were euphoria as I was able to finally see objective reality beyond my subjective experience. Everything I'd read was starting to click into place like a domino effect... I hadn't understood trans issues before-hand, I even contributed to some of the hate, but suddenly everything seemingly made sense and I could see the error of my ways.
My ego came back due to the fast-paced nature of my chaotic life, but the event still radically changed me. I'm reconnecting with my family as I can finally see their horrifically misguided love for the lack of emotional intelligence that it is. The world feels more accessible as I'm aware of just how much power I as an individual with knowledge actually have (and the moral responsibility that follows)... I did a 180 on hoarding and became as non-materialistic as I could. Anything I own has purpose or it has a deep emotional connection to someone I care about. <3
I started off depressed, lost, confused, now I'm vibing with the moments and only slightly less lost and confused. :)
Yes, all of them.
Now in my 50s and I guess I don't really care about anyone's notions of success and/or failure.
None of that stuff really matters.
What matters is being a good and kind person and building and maintaining a network of connections with people who are similarly good and kind.
When you die, you aren't going to care about how much money you made or how "successful" you were.
What you'll care about is your family, whether chosen or biological. You will care about being surrounded by people who love you. Nothing else will matter at all.
Turned 41 this year. I was a moderately successful website developer and high school computer science teacher. Next month I’m joining the navy. Should be fun.
Why join the navy at this point in your life?
Various reasons. Mainly the benefits. Tricare health insurance for the family. Post-9/11 GI Bill for the kid. Having a security clearance will also open up some IT job opportunities for me.
How are you getting in at 41? I thought the age cap for any service was early 30s.
Navy recently raised their enlistment age cap to 42. They're currently the only service to do so, that I know of.
Edit: As far as I know, the enlistment age cap for most other services is 39, and the officer candidacy age cap is 35. There's variations and waivers though, depending on your situation.
Wouldn't you be away from your family? I'm of a similar age and curious about what exactly you'll be doing.
Yes, but I’m hoping to limit the time away from my family to 30 weeks.
I’m joining the Navy Reserves, which is a bit more flexible than joining the Navy. My wife and I currently work on a Navy base as civilians, so I hope to do most of my drills and duties there, and still be home for dinner every night. We know of a couple people in similar situations that do this already.
Boot camp is 10 weeks long. Tech school, which needs to be done immediately after boot camp, is something like 15 - 20 weeks, depending on your job. With any luck, this 30-week period is the longest that I will be away from my family. It will suck, but everyone has been very supportive.
Once I get back, the goal is to find a full-time duty close to home so that I can start maxing out the GI Bill. I’m told I need 3 years equivalent of active duty to Max it out. After that, I may drop back down to one weekend a month, two weeks a year.
Thanks for sharing.
You've only got one life to live my friend. I spent a few years in the military and it was a great learning experience. It definitely changed my mindset.
was a stupid piece of shit with hate toward most of the world and myself
now i still kind of hate myself but turns out im just trans so i was driving my selfhate toward other people bc i didnt understand where it was coming from
When I was in middle school, I was super quiet. Like, I would go entire lunch periods without saying a single word. I just didn't realize that I might want to or be able to actually interact with other people. I had a cognitive impairment which stopped me from expressing myself, but I didn't realize it at the time. I eventually realized in 8th grade that I could not hold an actual one-on-one conversation, and I decided that needed to change.
So I had to start by learning the basic conversation skills and such, and eventually moved to actually making jokes and stuff mid high-school. By the start of college, I could participate socially as a mostly normal person. I just caught up on all the social skills I had to re-develop, like making plans and stuff.
All this seems really simple, but it is hard to catch up when everyone else is already friends with each other. Now, I might be one of the most extroverted people I know, and I almost always talk to people whenever I get a chance. I accomplished my life goal when I was 20, so I am really happy about that and I've been riding that high ever since.
This was me up until 12th grade / freshman year of college. My degree (Computer Science) doesnt "need a degree" (albeit it helps) but I will never regret going to college. Sure, i couldve bootcamped or did online learning but the social development I experienced in college I completely 180º, I figured I would fake it and put myself in uncomfortable positions and made for some really awkward moments haha. But eventually I turned it around and pretty social now I would say.
I did LSD in my early 20s. I'm not sure it compares to other experiences here but for me it was an incredibly transformative step in understanding how my own brain works.
I also did LSD in my early 20s and had the same experience, it was very helpful to get past some mental barriers.
Then I got complacent and started doing it too much, really put myself in a bad mental state for around 2 years.
Just wanted to add onto this to say that it’s helpful, but you do need to respect it even though it’s not physically addictive. I’m not saying you’re one of them, but in general you’ll find too many people on the internet only promoting the upside.
Start 28 year old man, alchoholic, well paying job I hate.
End? Don't know I only started when I read this post.
Im screwed eh?
Looking back from almost twice your age … you’re not screwed at all, you could have it all ahead of you.
When I was 28 I met my future wife. We’re currently planning a trip for our 20th. It’s been the best half of my life (by a lot).
My reinvention came more or less after a breakup and the realization that my gf was quite toxic towards my naive ass.
Before the breakup, I was already looking for books about seduction and female pleasure. Said search led me to learning hypnosis. . Some time later, I also decided to try classic ballet, because why the fuck not. I actually had fun, despite never being even close to minimally acceptably flexible. Although I never got on with any of the girls there (most were too young anyway), the teacher was a blast.
So, my takeaway is to look for a group activity to do, be it some martial art, dance or something else.
I had my mid-life crisis a while back... actually now that I think about it it was around half my lifetime ago, and now I -- urk! *dies*
Where I started
Where I ended up
Image descriptions
1st image: - A heavy set person who appears to be a man, in baggy jeans and a t-shirt, leaning against a wooden handrail, holding a laser skirmish gun
2nd image: A curly haired woman in makeup, wearing a teal coloured dress
I feel like I need to do more than just post a picture. In this case, the picture really does tell the story in a lot of ways, but still, there was a lot of pain and trauma that led me to this point.
I started off depressed and angry, lost in life, knowing what I needed to do, but feeling like it wasn't something I could do. And when I finally accepted that I could do it, years went in to it. A quick photo makes it look like a magical transformation, but there was close to 10 years between those photos, and a lot of self discovery, self exploration and pain. As well as joy, and surprises.
Ohh I love this one! Perfectly summed it up with the pics for me ;)
Hey, I just want to say thanks for posting this. I'm just a random internet stranger, but I'm happy for you. I think Fred Rogers sums it up best, he is the epitome of kindness to me.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm glad you were able to find your joy.
Congratz!
I started drinking at 13. Blacking out weekly by 15. Full blown alcoholic in 20s. The problem was, I was fairly successful so it was hard for me to admit I was truly fucked up. I managed a good career, family, friends, house, etc. I drank until blackout daily. In late 30s is when the true around the clock drinking started. Morning, noon, night and throughout the night. DT's. Started taking Xanax to fight off the anxiety caused by around the clock drinking. That was it. That's when I lost control. I had a moment of clarity after days of straight blackout during the first month of Covid quarantine. I asked a friend who had been sober for 15 years for help. Went to rehab. Took it seriously. Spend 2.5 months away from my family. Came back determined to live a life of sobriety and focus on family and career. I've got numerous promotions, my family is great and I'm 3.5 years sober and work daily to stay that way.
Tldr; lifelong drunk. Got sober at 40. Best decision I've ever made.
Also managed to be pretty functional while blacking out nearly daily (at my worst), and interestingly enough, the anxiety during the hangovers (which became pretty much any time in between) is also what finally caused me to turn the corner.
Good for you man
Huge desicion to make, I'm proud and I'm sure your family is also.
How did you not lose your wife and job?
I'm good at my very specialized job and alcoholics at the level I was at tend to hide very well.
I was born into an impoverished extremist right wing family. I enlisted in the military back when DADT was a thing. I was disowned as an LGBT teenager, and medboarded out of the military after being committed to inpatient facilities multiple times. After that, i was homeless for a couple years, living out of a car and then a backpack.
I finally ended up in this little town in Georgia, got a job at a little retail store, and moved into a trailer with one of my coworkers. Her friends kind of adopted me and i felt accepted for the first time in my life. We were all broke kids, but i told them i was going to be a millionaire by age 30. I was still pretty emotionally unstable and eventually moved on from that friend group, but it gave me the hope i needed to rebuild my life.
I slowly built a career for myself after that, working 70-80 hours a week for a couple years, until i had my foot in the door. It got a lot easier after that. I didn't quite hit my goal by age 30, but I'm close. I founded my first company at age 28, and raised a 10 million series A. My company is now worth 60 million on paper, but of course that's meaningless until we IPO. But it's profitable, and in the meantime, I've adopted a little family of people like me, and built a comfortable life for us. Life is good, and I'm content.
Now that you're pretty wealthy has your family decided to become your best buddy now?
No, they refuse to speak to me to this day. My gf's family called her to wish her a happy birthday last week, and i cried quietly wishing mine did that too.
Happy Birthday. Better late than never. We are here for you.
(Very?) Belated happy birthday! Your family are the people you’ve chosen to accompany you at this stage in your life, the other one, the one you simply happened to be born into, don’t deserve you. Lots of hugs!
Happy belated birthday girltwink! 🎊 🎉
The older I get and the more people I meet and lives I understand, the more I understand that true family are the ones you choose. You can't help who you are born to. It's nice to get their love and approval, but in the end, if they don't accept your choices or even you, that's not on you. That's on them. If you've done your best to be a good person, then they should have no reason to turn you out but for their own selfish reasons. It may never stop hurting, but over time, I hope you can find that comfort from your chosen family that chose you back. I won't soapbox too much about it though. I hope you had a great birthday. :) Big hugs from an internet stranger!
As a side note, talking to a therapist can really help you accept things if you ever want to give it a try.
Aww, thank you for your kind words JighlySackles 😝 I'm doing ok, all things considered. It still hurts a little, but yes therapy has helped.
I'm glad you're feeling mostly alright. That's a good place to be. Sometimes that's the best we get to be for a very long time too.
I think some things will always hurt. But it gets less. And it's not so crushing. It just takes time.
A great analogy I heard once is to imagine you have a box which represents a past source of grief, and in that box is a button and a ball. As we go about life, the box gets jostled and bumped by things that remind us of our grief. This moves the ball around and every time the ball hits the button it brings on the feelings of grief and sadness. The size of the ball shrinks with time though. When we first go through something traumatic our ball is very large, taking up most of the space in the box, so very small events bump the button, and it's going to hit that grief button a lot at first. But over time as the ball shrinks. As it gets smaller, the jostling and bumping doesn't make the ball hit the grief button so much. It might even graze it without pushing it. We may always have that box, and that's ok. And that button may get to the point it gets hit once after 20 years. But that's OK too. The grief gets less with time. 🙂
You are super cool, thanks for your story.
Accidental reinvention story.
I was an independent IT Management Consultant and in my free time I started a side project making a dark ride in virtual reality for the Meta Quest headset. Then Covid happened and my career paused suddenly giving my lots of free time so I focused on the title. It ended up being the 5th highest rated app on the Meta Quest App Lab store out of many thousands for the past year and a bit. I have not gone back to my old career, as well, this is my new career now. The insane part is that I always wanted to be an Imagineer since I was 6 years old, but my life really did not provide those sorts of opportunities. Then one day, when my title was released and the reviews started to come in, I realized suddenlythat I am now an Imagineer. Been 3 years and I still cannot believe it. Love what I do way more than my old career and with AI assistants, I am imagineering faster and faster which is nice as the only complaint I get is where is the rest of the theme park. Currently I am just about to update the single dark ride and add to it an open world theme park around (small today), the first bit of the second dark ride, and the ability to ride with loved ones and friends which is surprisingly magical. Like looking over at someone you know sitting with you on the omnimover and going through a highly detailed dark ride together is so much fun, especially for non gamers who want to try VR.
I am 50 years young.
36yo, I'm in the middle of tunnel currently.
I'm a spoiled, privileged shit. I have a very nice family, good friends, money to live comfortably in a big city. But my life is miserable still: after a succession of failures, I hate my job and suffer painful lonelyness, and I'm too shy to do what most normal human beings do.
I'm almost out of depression but I've yet to go through the reinvent yourself part. I feel like I'm going backwards.
I feel like that's the opposite of what the question asks. Ask me to delete if needed.
Try to go on walks in nature, maybe get out of the city sometimes. You don't want to go with anyone but maybe have some music to listen to. Hugs and good luck, you're doing your best.
Sounds like you're doing your best. Hope you come out the other side of the tunnel better for it.
Sometimes it helps to just get out of your comfort zone, it's hard, it's painful, and sometimes you end up just looking like an ass. You just grab a crazy thought and run with it. You don't necessarily have to fly off to Uruguay and drop off the face of the Earth, but just go out to a part of town you haven't been to, connect with an old friend, or go to some event you've never been to before. Take a pottery class, act in a play, go get food from a questionable, broken-down food truck in a shady part of town, write a shitty novel during NaNoWriMo, whatever. I find myself getting into ruts on occasion, where I'm almost too comfortable with life and it gets depressing somehow, it's hard getting out of it sometimes, but just getting into a novel situation can jumpstart something inside sometimes, just don't always go with the expectation of "finding someone". Loneliness is tough, but in a way it's freedom from constraints and responsibility.
What does bring you joy?
Often times we focus on what doesn't bring us happiness instead of what does.
I was born into an abusive "family". Fled into my head. Became the quiet brainy kid. Underfed and sleep deprived but did well in school and most people ignored the abuse.
Eventually studied at university, very high achieving, still hiding in my head. Super awkward with people. Autism didn't help. The awareness that I was autistic made several light bulbs go on in my head.
I stopped contact with all of the exfamily and after uni wanted to focus on healing the trauma. Picked up several chronic diseases, realized I was non binary, got adopted by a cat.
Currently fighting to be able to work, if I manage I'll not go for academics as I always thought I would but for helping animals. Trying to get out of head. Have emotions, talk to people.
Hang in there. It gets a little better every year.
Can you elaborate on being in your head?
Sure. I'm just not sure how to elaborate. :/ Do you have any specific questions or thought process you'd like me to comment on?
I became physically disabled at 42, I'm 49 now. I was the main / usually sole provider for my family. I was pretty suicidal for a while and had a really really tough time adjusting. Midway through I was diagnosed with bipolar and medicated appropriately. I'm doing fairly well now and actually looking forward to the rest of my life.
Happy for you!
I started off in the late 1980’s in a mid-sized midwestern city… I was smoking cigarettes, a lot of pot, drinking and carousing with the same friends that I’d had since high school, but I was in my second year of college. I was getting decent grades, but I was really distracted and having some drama with bad girlfriends.
Two weeks after my 21st birthday, I left for Southern California - I had a parent out there, and I ended up staying for 16 years. I stopped smoking basically the minute I got there, spent a lot of time driving around a new city and thinking… and basically came to the realization that since nobody there knew who I had been before, I could approach social situations without the baggage of all those previous decisions that I’d made with my old circle of friends. I was less of a “pleaser”, less of a doormat, and less afraid to speak my mind - and my new friends responded positively to it, so I was encouraged to cultivate that. It helped me be more decisive and independent, and gave me a foundation for everything that followed.
I finished an associate’s degree, got a black belt in a martial art and taught for about six years, and met the woman who is now my wife. We got married, traveled to other countries together in Europe and Central America, quit our jobs to live on a horse ranch, and eventually moved BACK to that same midwestern city to start a family.
I wish I could say that since we moved back, I’ve never felt like the person I was before - but I have to confess that I feel like being back here HAS eroded some of that confidence, like I couldn’t hack it out West and ended up back here after all.
I know it’s not true, but San Diego is where I became the person I wanted to be. Back here is where I had been the person before that. They say “you can’t go home again” - I submit that you CAN, but that maybe you shouldn’t.
Yoooo, you’re singing my song - GNU Terry Pratchett, love his writing so much.
And thank you; that’s very true, and it’s good to be reminded from time to time.
I found I had some backsliding when I went back to my original hometown too.
I expect it's the same mechanism where even if you know you're adult and might even have grown beyond where your parents were, you still feel like a little kid around them sometimes? Even if they don't DESERVE to have that sort of power over you these days?
I wouldn't consider it proof of anything bad beyond our little monkey brains sometimes doing the things monkey brains do, like hold onto bad stuff and bad memories.
You’re right, and I generally remember that I have many blessings to count… but like you said, primate brains doing primate brain things.
I had the most abstract corporate software job you can imagine and had to dress up every day for it. One day coming back from lunch I saw my entire future laid out in front of me. Fat piece of corporate garbage without talent and around people I hated.
I applied for a job with an industrial machine designer. Never looked back.
Start: Woman
End: Man (WIP)
Can't reinvent myself more than that.
@edit: Sincerely, accepting myself as transgender was the best thing that happened to me. I went from depressed nerd who sees his body solely as a puppet for his mind to someone who actively cherishes their body. Now I'm reading fitness books and fashion guides because I like my physical existence on earth and want to perfect and protect it. I have a goal on which kind of life I want to have and how I want to look instead of aimlessly asking myself why nothing ever works for me. Being trans is pretty fucking awesome for me.
It wasn't always like this, so to my transmasc friends depressed about their appearance, here is what I needed to read.
You can, you just have to be more creative.
Good on you, internet stranger!
Thanks, internet stranger!
I didn't reinvent myself so much as I started being honest about my identity.
When I was younger, I was very talkative and social, and I was punished for it in elementary school because it was disruptive. This is probably because I was surrounded by family and felt comfortable talking to anyone about anything. Over time, I started to become reclusive and have a severe fear of authority. Eventually, my friend group started shrinking in high school until I had what felt like nothing. I stopped attending school and slept for six months during my senior year. Eventually, I started returning from my shell and interacting with people online.
Since I was still in my depressive state, I thought it was all too good to be true, and I faked my death online because I thought no one would care and it would be an easy transition into something else. I was very, very wrong. People I had met online started creating memorials and trying to contact people I knew IRL to give them condolences. It was the first time that I realized people liked the person I was unfiltered.
After that, I got my GED and moved to a new town where no one knew me to go to college. While there, I decided to be the person I was and not the person I had been trying to be because I thought that was what people wanted. Even then, I was introverted until COVID happened, and I fell back into depression due to a lack of human connections.
I'm glad to have learned this all now, but I wish I had known it 20 years ago.
Nothing too extreme, but I’m in my mid-30s and this year has been one of the most productive of my life. I started a new job in late December. The pay is similar to the job I left. The stress is much lower. Immediately I felt like I had a better work life balance. I have so much extra energy every day.
I started dieting and taking long walks. I lost 35 pounds in 6 months. I listened to a bunch of audiobooks while walking and I’ve also read some ebooks. Together I’ve read 25 books and counting this year whereas most years I’ll read 2 or 3. Once I was nearing my goal weight I increased my calories and started exercising more intensely, with a goal of gaining muscle and losing fat while maintaining weight. I picked up indoor rowing. I’m on week 11 of a 24 week training program. I row hard (working up an intense sweat) 5 days a week Monday- Friday in the mornings. In addition to this I’ve started weightlifting 2 days a week and will gradually increase to 4 days a week while keeping up my rowing routine.
Financially, I started budgeting with YNAB and it has transformed my personal finances. My savings rate has increased significantly and wasteful spending decreased. I moved my savings into a HYSA. I left a financial advisor who was charging excessive fees and moved my investment and retirement accounts to Fidelity where I now manage my portfolio myself. Some of my reading was investing books which gave me confidence I could do this. I’ve tripled the amount I’m contributing to my 401k.
Although I’m new to my job I’ve received constant praise from multiple people in the time I’ve been there. I feel like I have room for growth to move up positions. At the rate I’m going I think I could realistically expect to move up in another 6 months or so.
I grew up in a religious home and was always pretty religious myself. In college i ended up leaving the church and religon entirely. I think the last straw was that there are so many mutually exclusive religions, but only one or none can be right, so how did all the "wrong" ones form? Turns out humans are very good at creating religions and cults, and it's way more likely that my religion is no different.
Leaving the church set me on a path of having to actually think about ethics rather than just going by "whatever the bible says", but besides not going to church on sundays my life didn't change a whole lot. But in thinking about ethics the only thing that seemed to be able to solidly root ethics was pleasure/pain, or more broadly wellbeing/needless suffering, not an in-the-moment stereotypical hedonistic view of it but broader, factoring in long term results and the impact on others.
That was fine for a while, until an argument with my dad where he pointed out "if that's what you base ethics on, why don't you include animals in it" and at first i was like yeah obviously kicking a puppy is wrong and that's captured by my view, but it got me to think deeper about it and my actions and i realized that all sentient beings are morally relevant, and i could no longer eat them for my own pleasure. After that i also learned fish are sentient and that the dairy and egg industry are very cruel too, and i couldn't support them either, and i went vegan.
Now my perspective is more refined, i would describe my ethical views most succinctly as sentientism, an antispeciesist extension/improvement on humanism
I’ve had a similar journey, and am consistently surprised at how common this path seems to be.
One thing i find particularly fascinating, that could be confirmation bias but i don't think it is, is that value/purpose/meaning is inherently and only generated by sentient beings. Even from a theistic point of view where god is all knowing and defines morality, it can only matter if that god is sentient in some way or another. Probably not explaining that super well but it's a train of thought that i find extremely interesting
I was a factory worker, warehouse worker, and machinist for most of my adult life. I learned a lot of really cool things in those industries, but I never made much money.
So I took some classes, taught myself Autocad, and somehow talked myself into a CAD position at a precast concrete company. And the difference between then and now is amazing from both a financial standpoint and a quality of life standpoint. Of course there are valid arguments that having enough money is a quality of life issue.
Even when things went wrong and the precast company started to spiral the drain, I went to find another job... and in two days I had to turn down four job offers.
I started with weight loss.
Lost 140 pounds, which led to me accomplishing a few other things, like performing in Newsies and becoming a roller derby skater.
I also lost weight, mostly out of stubbornness. We were sitting at the dinner table and people were making fun of my "mathleticism", I responded by jokingly saying that I could be super athletic if I chose to, and my sister then said she'd give me $1000 if I ever became "athletic". She still hasn't paid me. They still make fun of me, except now for going "from mathlete to athlete". So really I didn't accomplish much.
Yeah, I started to notice warning signs, like I'd walk a single city block and my feet would be sore, or I'd get up from my chair at the office and I'd need 2-3 seconds for my hips to "get right" before I could walk.
All of those added up to me committing to get into better health. Achieving some lifelong dreams along the way was just a side benefit.
I started off being born and it appears that I will end up dead.
Welcome to the "plan."
WHICH WE MUST END
Around 23 I was jobless, I had no HS diploma, depressed, had recently gone through a bad breakup, and if I wasn't able to move back in with my dad, I would have been homeless.
In the span of about four months, I got my HS equivalency diploma, applied to college, got a job, then quit that job to start college. ~5 years later, and significantly in debt, I had two additional pieces of paper that said I knew things, and I went on to struggle to find work in my local area.
I work in IT, there's a ton of jobs, none of the good ones are local to me; so I'm now slowly working off my debts, at menial jobs that don't challenge me, for menial pay that doesn't nearly reflect the amount of skill and knowledge I have.
Don't go to school kids. You'll accrue debt and nobody cares.
I had the opposite experience with going back to college. Went back to college for an IT degree at the local community college that carries about two dozen different agriculture degrees and a single IT degree program with another kid on the way, graduated with a 3.5 GPA. Despite living in a rural area surrounded by farm communities I landed a very cushy job 2 weeks before graduation literally making over double what either my wife or I ever made pre-college, and was clearly about to get an offer on another position I was interviewing for that paid slightly less than this one
Same. I went back to school pretty late in the game and had just been dicking around at community college for years. I got serious about it in my late 20's, graduated when I was 30, got a job within a month out of college, had my loans paid off within like 2-4 years. I'm making more money than I've ever made in my life and probably earning more than my parents ever did. It was quite possibly the best decision I've ever made in my life. A lot of it was probably just pure luck, but it worked out well for me.
Oh absolutely good luck brought the opportunities that have been presented to me but good decision making and a good attitude allowed me to seize the opportunities I've seized and bad attitude plus bad decision making caused me to squander the opportunities that were presented to me but ultimately shook their heads at me and left. I get the feeling that commenter above me may be doing the latter right now.
Unfortunately, my college didn't hand it degrees. So I have certificates from the institution I attended. I feel like I need to go back for a full degree. My country (Canada) doesn't really hand out degrees at colleges. That's reserved for universities. This has recently been changing and an IT degree program now exists (most universities focused on science, maths, engineering, medical, etc, for their degree programs... Most didn't have an IT focused degree when I attended college).
I have two diplomas, one in business, one in networking, both from the same local college, neither has landed me a coushy job, and I've never been approached about any well paying remote work. I'm still struggling to even come close to six figures (CAD) which is around $75k USD. I graduated and made less than $40k/yr USD, and I've worked my way up to ~55k/yr USD over ~10 years doing IT. (Full time working minimum wage here is around ~35k/yr CAD or ~27k/yr USD).
In this way, I see my diplomas as little more than wall decoration. Finding IT positions locally in Canada, the past range is typically well below 75k/yr USD, and to get any higher than that, the positions are generally managerial, which I don't want to do. I spent enough time in my business courses that I know I'll ill suited for such work.
Most job postings I've seen either require me to be on site (especially impossible for me, especially for US based businesses, because I have obligations here at home that I cannot abandon), or if they're hiring remote, they're only hiring US citizens for remote work, which I am not (no visa work available, and most postings I've seen are for companies with no presence in Canada).... So I think it's a combination of me being Canadian, and my college only handing out diplomas, that I've gotten so screwed by my experience. Either I commute for hours a day to the nearest large city, something that is extremely unappealing to me, or I work something more local with significant compromise (mainly to wages), or I have to change my vocation.
Remote work is basically a myth for me at this point; same with getting paid fairly for what I know, and since I've worked for MSPs, generally as the expert in everything, I know a lot; from Windows, to Linux, networking (which is my focus), and beyond... I could spend all day listing the skills I have. My LinkedIn profile won't actually allow me to put more skills on my profile because I have too many.
I have been chronically underpaid, and it bothers me.
I went from an in debt jobless alcoholic that really did not want to live, to being pretty much debt free (car loan) and having a six figure job that I'm really doing well in.
The turning point was meeting my best friend/soul mate and not accepting who I had turned into. I got a job and really worked my ass off to catch up, quit drinking, then quit smoking, and then things just started turning around. I'd really like to say it was from all the hard work, and maybe it was, but I can't help but feel I just got lucky.
As a 28 year old lazy scraping by alchohlic I hope my brains not too fucked up. It's only when I see posts like this that I (generally temporarily) reflect on it.
I guess scraping by isn't the right word. I have money and a good income. I just am checked out. Hate my job, drunk most of the time, have no idea what I want to do with my life. No real social contact.
If I wanted to "get it together" I'd have to start over. I work in IT and I hate it. I want nothing to do with it ever again for the rest of my life. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I've permadamaged it at this point though. Bleh.
I've struggled with substance abuse. Get sober and give it 6 months. The human brain is amazing, it will snap back. Just gotta give it a chance to adjust.
No time like now to take a step towards what you want to do. Do you have anything you're interested in doing? Just taking the first steps can lighten the load and help see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe a class or planning for your new career might take some time out of your busy drinking schedule.
I've found out the luckiest people I know also tend to work very hard to make the best out of the lucky breaks they get.
You could be the luckiest person in the world and still not improve themselves.
34 years old with two kids.
I spent my 20s working like a horse, and I eventually bought a nice house in a quiet town. I had enough money to go on vacation to Mexico every year with my wife and my kids. Basically, I was living the American dream.
Fast forward a few years later. My wife tells me that she wants a divorce and she is dating the guy she told me not to worry about. Getting divorced means that 50% of my assets go to her, and I need to sell my house. Child support leaves me with little money left at the the of the month.
So, how do I feel? Not bad at all, actually. Have I lost a wife? No, she has been returned. Have I lost my possessions? No, they have been returned.
My children are healthy. They have a good relationship with me and their mother, and they have everything that they need. I am grateful for this. Then, I am aware that they could be taken from me anytime (e.g. sickness). You have to learn how to control your expectations.
As for the future, well whatever that I decide to set my mind to, I will do so with diligence. I'm currently trying to come up with programming projects to keep myself busy. Who knows? I could hit pay dirt, eventually (or not).
Living according to Nature is what I strive for. Everything else is irrelevant.
I'm your age. Basically the same story minus the family. I sometimes regret being alone. It sucks. But I don't think I could handle a women shacking up with someone else and expecting me to pay her. Guess the grass is always greener.
It's okay to be upset about these things. Taking a "life goes on" approach to people who walked all over you is not healthy.
I was upset at first. Human beings have emotions and it's perfectly fine to feel them. You just have to make sure that they don't control you.
Little over a quarter life crisis. My job was slowly killing me. It was destroying my mental health, I knew I needed to do something about it. I was always on the mindset of "I'm to old to go back to school". Having gone to post secondary in my late teens and early 20s but promptly dropping out. Decided I needed to go back to school. Went back for engineering. Passed with honors and now I have a child. Life is far better than it was, it has its new up and downs but I'm much happier!
Kind of minor and I don't know that it counts as "reinventing myself", but I graduated from college at 30 years old. Prior to that, I had done mostly "lowly" fast food and warehouse jobs and didn't really have much going for me. My fallback was to maybe join the military and try to get something going through that, but otherwise had no real plans or ideas of what I wanted for my future. It's more than a decade later and in retrospect it still seems like one of the best decisions I've made in my life. I'm now in a career that I'm more or less happy with doing relatively important work and I have an actual chance at having some sort of retirement savings if/when I get a chance to retire (assuming we avoid the whole global climate meltdown Mad Max ending that it seems we're heading towards).
34 yo here. 2009 - Left school, joined Czech Radio as IT and Broadcast Technician. 2011 until 2022 was IT career only. I thought that's what I wanna do, but nope, and burned out in the end, which started another crisis like in 2009. 2022 - visited my friend at Czech Radio who still works there. The memories and such moved me so much I was determined to get back into Czech Radio or similar. I ended up in Czech Television in sound department. Couldn't be happier.
It doesn't happen often for me, but when crisis like these come around, I am determined to pursue whatever comes to my mind.
I wanted to feel loved. I just went through another break-up. My partner was actively trying to cheat at the time too, which is the second time I've experienced this behaviour. Now I'm not one to use small sample-sizes - but I am. So I took it as a sign that something was wrong with me. Does no one care about me? I politely listen to everyone, I help when I'm asked, I go out of my way for people... What was wrong with me?
I started blindly by researching anything that made me feel 'better'. I started a ton of language courses, Began research on psychology and ANYTHING related to it - I spent months learning colour theory because someone mentioned colours can affect our emotions and that was good enough for me to invest my time.
That was all useful, but it didn't help with my goal or reinvent me. It's the matter that I was desperate for change and seeking something I wasn't completely aware of.
My discovery of Mortimer J. Adler's How to Read was life changing. After reading it I began seeking information from the back. The philosophy chipped a crack in the corruption from my youth and I was finally able to ask the questions I needed for change. The psychology helped shape those questions.
I've seen many functional families in my youth, but I never questioned why mine wasn't and there's probably a good reason for that. I decided to approach my family on all of the verbal abuse and neglect I received in my youth. The rejection and blatant denial of events broke me and put me in a dissociative state; I experienced temporary ego death. The rejection was the most horrific thing I've experienced to this moment. However, the following two months were euphoria as I was able to finally see objective reality beyond my subjective experience. Everything I'd read was starting to click into place like a domino effect... I hadn't understood trans issues before-hand, I even contributed to some of the hate, but suddenly everything seemingly made sense and I could see the error of my ways.
My ego came back due to the fast-paced nature of my chaotic life, but the event still radically changed me. I'm reconnecting with my family as I can finally see their horrifically misguided love for the lack of emotional intelligence that it is. The world feels more accessible as I'm aware of just how much power I as an individual with knowledge actually have (and the moral responsibility that follows)... I did a 180 on hoarding and became as non-materialistic as I could. Anything I own has purpose or it has a deep emotional connection to someone I care about. <3
I started off depressed, lost, confused, now I'm vibing with the moments and only slightly less lost and confused. :)
Yes, all of them.
Now in my 50s and I guess I don't really care about anyone's notions of success and/or failure.
None of that stuff really matters.
What matters is being a good and kind person and building and maintaining a network of connections with people who are similarly good and kind.
When you die, you aren't going to care about how much money you made or how "successful" you were.
What you'll care about is your family, whether chosen or biological. You will care about being surrounded by people who love you. Nothing else will matter at all.
Turned 41 this year. I was a moderately successful website developer and high school computer science teacher. Next month I’m joining the navy. Should be fun.
Why join the navy at this point in your life?
Various reasons. Mainly the benefits. Tricare health insurance for the family. Post-9/11 GI Bill for the kid. Having a security clearance will also open up some IT job opportunities for me.
How are you getting in at 41? I thought the age cap for any service was early 30s.
Navy recently raised their enlistment age cap to 42. They're currently the only service to do so, that I know of.
Edit: As far as I know, the enlistment age cap for most other services is 39, and the officer candidacy age cap is 35. There's variations and waivers though, depending on your situation.
Wouldn't you be away from your family? I'm of a similar age and curious about what exactly you'll be doing.
Yes, but I’m hoping to limit the time away from my family to 30 weeks.
I’m joining the Navy Reserves, which is a bit more flexible than joining the Navy. My wife and I currently work on a Navy base as civilians, so I hope to do most of my drills and duties there, and still be home for dinner every night. We know of a couple people in similar situations that do this already.
Boot camp is 10 weeks long. Tech school, which needs to be done immediately after boot camp, is something like 15 - 20 weeks, depending on your job. With any luck, this 30-week period is the longest that I will be away from my family. It will suck, but everyone has been very supportive.
Once I get back, the goal is to find a full-time duty close to home so that I can start maxing out the GI Bill. I’m told I need 3 years equivalent of active duty to Max it out. After that, I may drop back down to one weekend a month, two weeks a year.
Thanks for sharing.
You've only got one life to live my friend. I spent a few years in the military and it was a great learning experience. It definitely changed my mindset.
was a stupid piece of shit with hate toward most of the world and myself
now i still kind of hate myself but turns out im just trans so i was driving my selfhate toward other people bc i didnt understand where it was coming from
When I was in middle school, I was super quiet. Like, I would go entire lunch periods without saying a single word. I just didn't realize that I might want to or be able to actually interact with other people. I had a cognitive impairment which stopped me from expressing myself, but I didn't realize it at the time. I eventually realized in 8th grade that I could not hold an actual one-on-one conversation, and I decided that needed to change.
So I had to start by learning the basic conversation skills and such, and eventually moved to actually making jokes and stuff mid high-school. By the start of college, I could participate socially as a mostly normal person. I just caught up on all the social skills I had to re-develop, like making plans and stuff.
All this seems really simple, but it is hard to catch up when everyone else is already friends with each other. Now, I might be one of the most extroverted people I know, and I almost always talk to people whenever I get a chance. I accomplished my life goal when I was 20, so I am really happy about that and I've been riding that high ever since.
This was me up until 12th grade / freshman year of college. My degree (Computer Science) doesnt "need a degree" (albeit it helps) but I will never regret going to college. Sure, i couldve bootcamped or did online learning but the social development I experienced in college I completely 180º, I figured I would fake it and put myself in uncomfortable positions and made for some really awkward moments haha. But eventually I turned it around and pretty social now I would say.
I did LSD in my early 20s. I'm not sure it compares to other experiences here but for me it was an incredibly transformative step in understanding how my own brain works.
I also did LSD in my early 20s and had the same experience, it was very helpful to get past some mental barriers.
Then I got complacent and started doing it too much, really put myself in a bad mental state for around 2 years.
Just wanted to add onto this to say that it’s helpful, but you do need to respect it even though it’s not physically addictive. I’m not saying you’re one of them, but in general you’ll find too many people on the internet only promoting the upside.
Start 28 year old man, alchoholic, well paying job I hate.
End? Don't know I only started when I read this post. Im screwed eh?
Looking back from almost twice your age … you’re not screwed at all, you could have it all ahead of you.
When I was 28 I met my future wife. We’re currently planning a trip for our 20th. It’s been the best half of my life (by a lot).
My reinvention came more or less after a breakup and the realization that my gf was quite toxic towards my naive ass.
Before the breakup, I was already looking for books about seduction and female pleasure. Said search led me to learning hypnosis. . Some time later, I also decided to try classic ballet, because why the fuck not. I actually had fun, despite never being even close to minimally acceptably flexible. Although I never got on with any of the girls there (most were too young anyway), the teacher was a blast.
So, my takeaway is to look for a group activity to do, be it some martial art, dance or something else.
I had my mid-life crisis a while back... actually now that I think about it it was around half my lifetime ago, and now I -- urk! *dies*