Easy Mode. Try having a dog lead around your wrist while opening a biodegradable poo bag that got wet in drizzle...
I get the bag ready while she's dropping the duece.
I remember back at the height of the pandemic, I saw this lady licking her finger so she can open those plastic bags, then proceeded to touch multiple vegetables and fruits.
Of course people touch those all the time. Maybe they sneezed before entering the store etc.
Always wash the things you consum before because you never know.
And with the bag you just breath on your findertips and then you have some grip. And the you, of course, proceed to touch every vegetable and fruit you can lay your filthy fingers on.
Oh for sure, I know people with more filthy hands probably touched the produce, and I do wash them when I get home. I was just sharing something I remember at a time where spreading bodily fluids was an extra concerning thing.
And no, I personally do not touch the produce. I open the plastic bag just with my hands, invert it to wrap around my hand, and grab the produce with it. So my hands never directly touch them.
I wet my finger on the drops that fall from the misting nozzles in the produce area. Works every time, no licking. You're all welcome.
OMG. Did you know you have germs on you RIGHT NOW!?
Better drink bleach to take care of the germs internally too, just to be safe.
During the pandemic (and also to this date) I open bags sometimes by visiting the refrigerator section and touching the bed of the shelves. A lot of grocery stores have fridges that spray water in the section so it will get my fingers wet. It's even easier if Im buying a vegetable from that section, since I just have to touch the thing I'm buying and my fingers will be wet enough to open the bag.
Place the top of the bag between your palms, then think about your evil plan while sliding your hands against each other till they open, if not, try it on the bottom of the bag.
The "Mr. Miyagi" technique.
It’s worth pointing out that this only works if your plan is sufficiently evil.
yet another reason why paper veggie bags are better, trivially easy to open.
Lick your fingertips, or wet them on a beverage from the cooler, then rub them against the 2 sheets of the opening. You're welcome.
Don't lick your fingers. Unless you just washed your hands. This is how you get sick.
Touch your fingers on a damp/wet vegetables instead.
Nah. Just pick your nose and use the snot.
I'd opt for ass sweat
Who tf is downvoting this, GUYS OMG PLEASE DONT LICK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS
Don't put your grubby fingers on vegetables you're not purchasing either.
Why would I do that anyway
But what if there's taki dust on them?
That's how you build natural immunity.
You think you're not exposed to germs constantly? If the germs are on your hands they are also already on your face.
You'd think germ theory hasn't been discovered since fucking 1762.
You think you’re not exposed to germs constantly?
Yes, which is why you don't need to go out of your way to get exposed to more.
You're worried about a water balloon while standing under a waterfall.
Good metaphor, since the water balloon is separate from the waterfall and could be filled with anything.
I mean, by definition a water balloon is filled with water.
And water can be contaminated with just about anything.
The 'water' is the 'contamination'.
That’s how you build natural immunity.
Not everything you're infected with gives you benefits, there are a vast many transmissible infectious agents that can literally kill you. While the chances of licking your finger in a grocery store and getting something that bad are pretty slim, it does happen, and your "natural immunity" is working all the time anyway, you don't need to DO anything to help it along, stop thinking you know better than either medical science OR your own body. If you're annoyed with how other people handle their hygiene, how about be an adult and keep quiet.
You gross ass JeeBaiChow mother fucker this is why people get sick from going to stores.
Get your fucking fingers out of your god damn mouth. Yuck. What the hell did you do during Covid lockdowns?
I didn't hear your mother complain, blankets. Maybe i'm how she made you. You're welcome.
Dad, you fucking suck.
So does your mom, son. So does your mom.
We've established that already. This is why she left you for uncle.
Good. You can thank him for that potty mouth of yours, then.
No, I get my terrible habits from you apparently ya germ spreading Covid weasel.
So lick your fingers, open your bags and quit complaining like a little bitch, dumbass. What people do is their problem. Your awareness of covid is quite clear about that.
Pro tip: Breath on your fingertips like you would if you were trying to fog up a pair of glasses. Better than licking your fingers
Come on.
Find correct end of bag, bag will tell you which is correct
Place that end of bag between your (dry, not breathed on, non-disgusting) palms
Rub back and forth a few times
Enjoy your open bag
You must not have dry hands. That step #3 should be:
Stand there rubbing on the bag with nothing happening, hand bag to husband or go over to the lettuce section and touch the ice then open the bag.
Most stuff I just toss in the cart with no plastic bag, but like to have a few for the refrigerator, they are useful.
My hands are bone dry and this works. Try harder.
Do you shop at Trader Joe's? Those compostable bags are next level
You need to lick your fingertips first.
Pro tip: use reusable vegetable bags
This is the way. Plus they're usually mesh so you can just toss them in the fridge with your produce and it stays breathable
All that stuff was in dirt not long ago it'll be fine without one
I think they are for checkout convenience. That's why they're so thin, don't mess up the weight.
Dirt AND shit!
I've never understood the point of these bags. I have no problem just not using them?
Loose small produce like beans or cherries - keeps them all together.
Moistened produce like kale or cilantro - keeps everything else in the bag from getting wet.
Produce with flaky detritus like onions or garlic - keeps pieces of peel from getting everywhere.
Raw meat prone to leakage - keeps other items in the bag from being exposed to potential pathogens.
They sell reusable mesh bags to help with the first scenario, but they aren't really helpful for the other 3. I also try to be mindful of not buying more reusable bags I don't need because most of those end up in landfills long before the 100/200/500/20,000 uses needed to offset the number of plastic bags you'd use otherwise.
Paper bags would help for the first and third scenarios as well, but not the other two. And single-use paper is nearly as bad.
Moistened produce like kale or cilantro - keeps everything else in the bag from getting wet.
Moistening leafy greens makes the rot faster. I hate that grocery stores do this. I've even seen them spraying bags of greens, which is just a waste of water.
Babies' diapers leak and the carts are almost never cleaned.
I don't want the stuff I buy to touch the shopping cart or the conveyor also it is easier to separate them from other stuff in the fridge when you get back home
Do you have any idea how many boxes, crates, hands and other surfaces the produce has already touched? Its also just sitting in the open at the store for people to touch, sneeze on, drop on the floor. The carts and the conveyor won't make it any worse and you should be washing all produce before eating it anyway.
Yeah I am aware of all of that, and I wash the stuff always. Even if the bag gets me no benefits it still makes me feel more at ease.
Future generations hate you
What a coincidence I hate them as well
I’m hooked on a feelin’
I’m high on believin’
🎶
If he was at Walmart his issue would be finding one of those bags.
I’ve got lil mesh bags I use & wash when they get dirty. I pay slightly more due to the weight, but less plastic waste and I can actually open them
With mask mandates and COVID fear at its peak, it was hillarious to watch this happening to multiple people simultaneously.
Protip: lick the end of the bag, so the plastic sticks to your fingers
My personal lifehack is to hold the side that opens between my lips and blow, that loosens them up pretty reliably.
And if you're lucky it makes a farting noise, so I consider that a bonus.
find the grocery store vegetable rain forest get those little soldiers moist
Hashtag producestrong
I just eat the bag, its easier, free and delicious with the added benefit of supplying my daily microplastic demand
And I will not stop until my testicles can be used as ping pong balls!
My fingers naturally can open them dry, no need for licking.
OOOh FANCY PANTS RICH MCGEE OVER HERE.
Fancy pants? More like greasy hands!
I can wash my hand for 2 minutes thoroughly, and will still open a bag with no issues
Even prorer tip: pull the handles gently apart from each other, the pulling will make the plastic to come apart and then you can grab the edges and open it.
This works in finnish supermarkets, dunno if the bags are the same over there.
Nice tshirt.
You might want to watch "zakje" by John Fealey, bonus laughs if you're Dutch as more of it will be relatable.
downpunxx@fedia.io to 
Easy Mode. Try having a dog lead around your wrist while opening a biodegradable poo bag that got wet in drizzle...
I get the bag ready while she's dropping the duece.
I remember back at the height of the pandemic, I saw this lady licking her finger so she can open those plastic bags, then proceeded to touch multiple vegetables and fruits.
Of course people touch those all the time. Maybe they sneezed before entering the store etc. Always wash the things you consum before because you never know.
And with the bag you just breath on your findertips and then you have some grip. And the you, of course, proceed to touch every vegetable and fruit you can lay your filthy fingers on.
Oh for sure, I know people with more filthy hands probably touched the produce, and I do wash them when I get home. I was just sharing something I remember at a time where spreading bodily fluids was an extra concerning thing.
And no, I personally do not touch the produce. I open the plastic bag just with my hands, invert it to wrap around my hand, and grab the produce with it. So my hands never directly touch them.
I wet my finger on the drops that fall from the misting nozzles in the produce area. Works every time, no licking. You're all welcome.
OMG. Did you know you have germs on you RIGHT NOW!?
Better drink bleach to take care of the germs internally too, just to be safe.
https://youtu.be/V3oVG6Fy_1U?si=4BdUrmYnW6kHWA7t
Love an Invader Zim reference.
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
https://piped.video/V3oVG6Fy_1U?si=4BdUrmYnW6kHWA7t
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
During the pandemic (and also to this date) I open bags sometimes by visiting the refrigerator section and touching the bed of the shelves. A lot of grocery stores have fridges that spray water in the section so it will get my fingers wet. It's even easier if Im buying a vegetable from that section, since I just have to touch the thing I'm buying and my fingers will be wet enough to open the bag.
Place the top of the bag between your palms, then think about your evil plan while sliding your hands against each other till they open, if not, try it on the bottom of the bag.
The "Mr. Miyagi" technique.
It’s worth pointing out that this only works if your plan is sufficiently evil.
yet another reason why paper veggie bags are better, trivially easy to open.
Lick your fingertips, or wet them on a beverage from the cooler, then rub them against the 2 sheets of the opening. You're welcome.
Don't lick your fingers. Unless you just washed your hands. This is how you get sick.
Touch your fingers on a damp/wet vegetables instead.
Nah. Just pick your nose and use the snot.
I'd opt for ass sweat
Who tf is downvoting this, GUYS OMG PLEASE DONT LICK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS
Don't put your grubby fingers on vegetables you're not purchasing either.
Why would I do that anyway
But what if there's taki dust on them?
That's how you build natural immunity.
You think you're not exposed to germs constantly? If the germs are on your hands they are also already on your face.
You'd think germ theory hasn't been discovered since fucking 1762.
Yes, which is why you don't need to go out of your way to get exposed to more.
You're worried about a water balloon while standing under a waterfall.
Good metaphor, since the water balloon is separate from the waterfall and could be filled with anything.
I mean, by definition a water balloon is filled with water.
And water can be contaminated with just about anything.
The 'water' is the 'contamination'.
Not everything you're infected with gives you benefits, there are a vast many transmissible infectious agents that can literally kill you. While the chances of licking your finger in a grocery store and getting something that bad are pretty slim, it does happen, and your "natural immunity" is working all the time anyway, you don't need to DO anything to help it along, stop thinking you know better than either medical science OR your own body. If you're annoyed with how other people handle their hygiene, how about be an adult and keep quiet.
You gross ass JeeBaiChow mother fucker this is why people get sick from going to stores.
Get your fucking fingers out of your god damn mouth. Yuck. What the hell did you do during Covid lockdowns?
I didn't hear your mother complain, blankets. Maybe i'm how she made you. You're welcome.
Dad, you fucking suck.
So does your mom, son. So does your mom.
We've established that already. This is why she left you for uncle.
Good. You can thank him for that potty mouth of yours, then.
No, I get my terrible habits from you apparently ya germ spreading Covid weasel.
So lick your fingers, open your bags and quit complaining like a little bitch, dumbass. What people do is their problem. Your awareness of covid is quite clear about that.
Pro tip: Breath on your fingertips like you would if you were trying to fog up a pair of glasses. Better than licking your fingers
Come on.
Find correct end of bag, bag will tell you which is correct
Place that end of bag between your (dry, not breathed on, non-disgusting) palms
Rub back and forth a few times
Enjoy your open bag
You must not have dry hands. That step #3 should be:
Stand there rubbing on the bag with nothing happening, hand bag to husband or go over to the lettuce section and touch the ice then open the bag.
Most stuff I just toss in the cart with no plastic bag, but like to have a few for the refrigerator, they are useful.
My hands are bone dry and this works. Try harder.
Do you shop at Trader Joe's? Those compostable bags are next level
You need to lick your fingertips first.
Pro tip: use reusable vegetable bags
This is the way. Plus they're usually mesh so you can just toss them in the fridge with your produce and it stays breathable
All that stuff was in dirt not long ago it'll be fine without one
I think they are for checkout convenience. That's why they're so thin, don't mess up the weight.
Dirt AND shit!
I've never understood the point of these bags. I have no problem just not using them?
Loose small produce like beans or cherries - keeps them all together.
Moistened produce like kale or cilantro - keeps everything else in the bag from getting wet.
Produce with flaky detritus like onions or garlic - keeps pieces of peel from getting everywhere.
Raw meat prone to leakage - keeps other items in the bag from being exposed to potential pathogens.
They sell reusable mesh bags to help with the first scenario, but they aren't really helpful for the other 3. I also try to be mindful of not buying more reusable bags I don't need because most of those end up in landfills long before the 100/200/500/20,000 uses needed to offset the number of plastic bags you'd use otherwise.
Paper bags would help for the first and third scenarios as well, but not the other two. And single-use paper is nearly as bad.
Moistening leafy greens makes the rot faster. I hate that grocery stores do this. I've even seen them spraying bags of greens, which is just a waste of water.
Babies' diapers leak and the carts are almost never cleaned.
I don't want the stuff I buy to touch the shopping cart or the conveyor also it is easier to separate them from other stuff in the fridge when you get back home
Do you have any idea how many boxes, crates, hands and other surfaces the produce has already touched? Its also just sitting in the open at the store for people to touch, sneeze on, drop on the floor. The carts and the conveyor won't make it any worse and you should be washing all produce before eating it anyway.
Yeah I am aware of all of that, and I wash the stuff always. Even if the bag gets me no benefits it still makes me feel more at ease.
Future generations hate you
What a coincidence I hate them as well
I’m hooked on a feelin’
I’m high on believin’
🎶
If he was at Walmart his issue would be finding one of those bags.
I’ve got lil mesh bags I use & wash when they get dirty. I pay slightly more due to the weight, but less plastic waste and I can actually open them
With mask mandates and COVID fear at its peak, it was hillarious to watch this happening to multiple people simultaneously.
Protip: lick the end of the bag, so the plastic sticks to your fingers
My personal lifehack is to hold the side that opens between my lips and blow, that loosens them up pretty reliably.
And if you're lucky it makes a farting noise, so I consider that a bonus.
find the grocery store vegetable rain forest get those little soldiers moist
Hashtag producestrong
I just eat the bag, its easier, free and delicious with the added benefit of supplying my daily microplastic demand
And I will not stop until my testicles can be used as ping pong balls!
My fingers naturally can open them dry, no need for licking.
OOOh FANCY PANTS RICH MCGEE OVER HERE.
Fancy pants? More like greasy hands!
I can wash my hand for 2 minutes thoroughly, and will still open a bag with no issues
Even prorer tip: pull the handles gently apart from each other, the pulling will make the plastic to come apart and then you can grab the edges and open it.
This works in finnish supermarkets, dunno if the bags are the same over there.
Nice tshirt.
You might want to watch "zakje" by John Fealey, bonus laughs if you're Dutch as more of it will be relatable.
Learn to moisturise goddamnit
ZAKJE
Time like that call for a spittake