How to meet people
I'm 41F. I was married but separated 8 years ago. I was still young but was very traumatized and never really wanted another relationship. Lately I've been feeling a little lonely and would like to meet some new people but I moved and don't have many friends here and the ones I have are younger and do younger people things (like going out at night. I'm too old for that lol). I wanted to meet some people my age, friends or dates, but almost everyone is married. I do cooking and French classes but again, only young people do that and I'm the "odd old lady". I think people past 40 don't really have hobbies or money to spend on them. I'm overweight so I can't really use apps, and to be honest don't really want. So how a single woman without kids (can't have it) meet people?! Or do I just give up?! lol
What about volunteering groups? I'm in my 20s but volunteering groups tend to have people on the older side. It helps that people in their 40s and over tend to be financially stable and would spend their free time to volunteer.
You're right I'll try!
I second this. I help people at the library with their computer stuff, and it gets me out of the house and makes me feel like I am contributing. Much underrated feeling.
I'm going to second this one. I volunteer for an air museum and it's folks from late 30s and up.
Edit: accidentally submitted before I was done typing
Organize a local Lemmy meetup for 40+ year olds! Lol
I am in my mid 40s myself. I think the default advice is to just find social hobby groups and meet people that way. The more you put yourself out there, the more chance you have to make a connection. Also, I don’t think it’s a problem to be the “odd old lady” - wear that badge with pride IMO.
my gay friend group would do ANYTHING for an odd old lady
You know what, I could use some self esteem classes from a gay friend group!
I would love but I'm not in america and people here don't really know about it :/ ... yet lol
I hope Lemmy is going to get a wider recognition with time. Wish you all the best 🙏
Where are you from?
Volunteer work is my go-to answer in these situations.
I'm around 40, am always very busy with work, and I can't hold complex conversations in the language that 95% of the population of my country speaks exclusively. My personal interests are extremely technical, and unusual (bordering on arcane). So meeting new friends is a bit of a challenge for me too.
It was still a very effective way to meet awesome people of all ages, some younger, some older! I even met my wife that way.
I'm in a similar situation, and met my girlfriend of three years that way. We love each other, but communication was sometimes an issue... and I often felt deeply lonely far away from my family and far from anyone who could understand me well.
We broke up last week. I'm going back to my home country. My heart feels like it will never recover. We planned a whole future together. I love her so deeply, but I also felt incredibly lonely in the relationship, and jealous even of other couples who could just talk easily to one another.
I don't know if I've done the right thing. Maybe she didn't need to get all my jokes. Maybe she didn't need to know all my cultural references. Maybe having each other and making new memories together was enough.
I'm broken.
That hits close to home -- I had it a bit easier though. They had emptied my bank account without my knowledge or permission and left me for dead in the developing world, while they ran off to a new country and job they had secretly set up. Robbed their family too.
So at least all the bridges were thoroughly burned and I could focus on rebuilding. That kind of focus is a very powerful tool and I was able to bootstrap myself into a middle class life within a reasonable time. I came to realize how much that relationship had been holding me back.
Nearly died of cholera though. Anyway, the things we don't have the power to change legitimately hurt real bad, but I hope you will one day surprise yourself with how much you can affect the things you do have the power to change.
You're overweight? Make the gym your hobby. I'm a 48 year old woman and I go to the gym every day and lots of people to interact with.
It doesn't even need to be a hobby in the sense that you're always there. Going a few times a week gets you exposed to people and you're getting more fit and healthier. And there's usually at least self confidence that comes along to help with finding other hobbies if you want.
I agree it's hard to find new friends when being 40+. But I would avoid apps, and go for Meetup events. It just feels a lot lot more natural to share a walk, or some event, with strangers, since it's easy to get going and talk about things.
Remember that it's hard for everyone, even people in relationships to find new friends outside of the relationship. I had a female friend that I liked, but my partner got jellous and I couldn't really see her anymore. I understand the reasons but it's just a bit annoying.
WTF.
I'm 49, you are absolutely not too old to be going out. You're also not to old to be in the middle of the mosh pit.
lol! I meant I don't have the patience for young drunk people anymore. I only know a couple of 28yo here and went out with them one night... guess who was puked on? lol
I was done with partying when I was in my twenties, honestly. It doesn't give me anything. I can't hear people talking, we always lose each other in the crowd, it's stuffy, people are obnoxious when drunk, etc etc etc, blech.
I much prefer a social thing at someone's house with at most like 5-8 people, maximum. Preferably max 4. Then everyone can be heard, get a chance to speak, not too loud, bathroom close at hand, cheaper drinks that don't empty your pockets, access to more fun things not available in a club/restaurant like video/board games, movies, etc etc etc.
Beercades exist, I've been in a bar/brewery that had a collection of board games to borrow, etc. Also, karaoke at hole-in-the-wall Japanese and Korean places is super fun.
Still those other problems, though...
Drink more, be the puker.
Also, in re: being overweight and not being able to use apps... I'd strongly suggest you work on changing that now. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be, and being overweight makes being old really hard. Hard as in, knee, hip, and back damage. Trust me when I say that getting into a solid diet and workout plan is not fun, but being fit and losing weight is much easier than dealing with the long term consequences.
I took a long break during the pandemic because my gym refused any safety measures (shockingly, a lot of people died from covid-19 in my town /s), and getting back to the kind of levels of fitness I had in 2018 is hard and painful.
Lol!!
Double-plus good on moshing in our forties.
I would find a group or club related to hobbies you have. Hobbies can start as a common interest, and as you get to know each other, things can grow from there.
It's not a guaranteed "relationship finder" but you'll at the very least make some friends.
I hope it's not too personal of a question to ask, but are you straight, lesbian, or bi? Because each one of those kind of comes with its own set of suggestions. You obviously do not have to share if you do not feel comfortable with that. I just don't want to be giving a lesbian hints about finding a guy, you know?
Yes you're right. I'm a straight woman :)
Okay, so with hobbies, stuff you're already interested in is a good start, but it might be helpful to explore some "guy hobbies" in the sense of like, find some hobbies that are more popular with men, and then find one that sounds like it could be interesting to you, and try to find a local group based on that. If you pursue groups with larger percentage of men, it's easier to find someone you're potentially interested in and vice-versa.
Just make sure you're pursuing a hobby you'll actually end up liking. Don't be afraid to be like "Yeah, this actually isn't for me." That's up to and including "These men are just not receptive to a woman in this space." (You don't want to waste your time with gatekeeping men)
Like, you'd be hard pressed in tech groups, which kind of have a history of being stuck up when it comes to women in "their" spaces (nevermind that women programmed the computers on the moon missions back in the day because typing was "women's work" *rolls eyes).
Football or soccer might be a little easier, there's still a lot of women in those circles, and less dopey men gatekeeping, at least in my experience . There's still some of that, but I think women being into sports is more accepted than it used to be, compared to tech spaces.
A lot of guys are into role-playing tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons, and while you can run into a lot of way too sheltered men in those groups, you can also run into really talented men who are good at math, acting, and strategy who are relatively well-adjusted. Stephen Colbert famously played a lot while he was growing up, and he attributes it to at least some of his acting and comedy skills.
Whatever you do, don't give up. Nobody deserves to live in loneliness. There are many like you out there - people are lonelier than ever before. Whatever you do, try to fight against that.
I'm not depressed or sad, just a bit lonely because I moved far from the place I used to know. Nothing that dramatic lol
I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's just a fact that people are getting lonelier and it's honestly really sad.
It's true! kind of hard to trust people this days
I'd like to know too.
My childhood friend ditched his family and swapped for a younger woman from work about a decade ago. Marriage was not the happiest, but I think he jumped the gun. Now the younger woman ditched him and he's alone. His now teenage child is keeping touch, but is not happy about their history.
Guy is miserable and I'm afraid suicide is an option.
Can't get him to take a new hobby, interest or activity. He's been drowning himself in work and I don't think it's helping.
With men it’s easier because there are men’s groups. Have your friend join a men’s group. I mean, if he wants to get over his shit. If he’s asking. If he’s not, you can’t really help him.
Where are these "men's groups" you speak of? As a "man," I've not heard of any, at least none that aren't inherently linked to toxic masc MAN-man personality traits.
They exist. There's a local group that meets up for a walk once a week and anyone's welcome.
If there's not one near you? Then be the change you want to see.
For me, men’s groups have been a way to not shoot myself in the head. That’s the key thing in this context. If you’d like to know more, google it.
Obviously stay away from the ones that encourage people to be toxic. That kind of group isn’t helpful.
In my area, a medium sized U.S. city, there are no male specific groups.
there are plenty of "women in (insert hobby)" groups and other groups that are designed towards what are considered minorities (in the U.S.), which meetup groups seem to exist for everything except for men, unless the man is also gay or racist or black or transitioning, etc.
i think many people in my area assume that any group which doesn't name a specific minority, is a 'male' group but it's not the case at all. i constantly have trouble finding social activities, because i'm a straight white male. i don't fit in with any of the local meetup group demographics and don't drink or care about sports or videogames.
so in my opinion and experience, i wouldn't say it's easier for men everywhere, just in certain locations perhaps.
Disc golf is absolutely something to check out, no matter where you are starting from. Golf-like rules with much more interesting terrain and equipment. Unlike golf in being easy and cheap to pick up, and having a famously friendly player base with deep hippie roots and a passion for growing the sport. My mom plays with gusto in her 60’s, and several of her senior center buddies found their way into the game on their own too.
It shares many of the good things about hiking, volunteering, and activity clubs, and new friends from those will be excited to join you on the course. A group encountering the sport early on and all getting addicted to it together are such a joy. It’s also a fantastic sport for just walking through the forest alone, listening to audiobooks and talking to birds and chipmunks while practicing whipping colorful plastic into the distance with your whole body (and accidentally hitting trees.)
Disc golf was the fastest growing sport in much of the world pre-pandemic, and took off so fast during the opening act that you could hardly buy discs off the shelf. You may have many courses and shops nearby, https://udisc.com/ is the best place to get started. Good teachers like Danny Lindahl can help with the form basics if you want a crash course. As you get more involved, there are new niches to find like disc dyeing, weekly amateur doubles leagues, following the pro scene on YouTube, and volunteering at tournaments with course clubs.
Go try it! Wear sturdy shoes, let people play through if you’re in a relaxed paced group, yell FORE and keep yelling at errant shots, and just get a beginner friendly fairway driver and a putter that feels good in your hand and go try ‘em out. Hope ya have a blast
Mutual Aid/Food Bank/Volunteer around your city, or start a group and invite people around.
Local park and library/college may also help, where groups tend to meet.
Gyms also have classes for different age groups, may take a bit to figur out though!
Quick search:
https://bestlifeonline.com/hobbies-for-your-40s/
Some of these are common sense and good ideas!
Best way to meet new people is when doing things you love!
Loved the link, thanks!
At work, at the gym, at the coffee shop, at the library. At yoga, at the beach, Pokemon go raid hour. Mostly at work, but I'm older than you and that's where I meet people and have made friends as an adult.
Not all hobbies require money, that's an odd take. I do think it's harder to meet people when you don't have a family though, that part is true, connections are made through other people so it's more work to build a network if you are just one person.
Great age to meet men, though, if you are looking for that - don't worry about your weight, plenty of guys either like a plush build or don't care. You will do fine in that regard if you are looking.
I joined a local maker space and met great people, sharing similar interests. Surprisingly (to me when I joined) most seem to be over 40, like me, and there are as many women as men here.
what's a maker space?
A place with equipment and resources for Woodworking, 3d printing, electronics, and other things in that vein. You generally pay a monthly fee.
My mom does a book group.
Is she taking new members?
I dont know if you enjoy singing , but in many countries here in Europe, there are lots of choirs for all types of music, as well as for beginners, for almost professionals and usually all ages mixed or lots of people above 40. Usually people go for a drink after rehearsal but not for the alcohol but for the company. In my choir many that come to the bar after rehearsal just drink something nonalcoholic.
Here, 40 is also an age where people still go to bars without feeling weird about it. Of course there are a few bars only full of Students but there are still lots of bars with people above 40 too.
If you're up for it -- try a fitness group, hiking group, or gym, you might not meet friends right away but any time you spend there will still feel good and be good for you
Hardcore agreement with regard to hiking groups. I'm in my 50s and happily married, but my wife has MS and isn't really able to join me on my hiking excursions. I have a brother and a nephew and a son who will sometimes join me on my various expeditions, but they aren't consistent partners, which is fine, so I've since turned to a local hiking group that has things happening on any given weekend.
I'm not single or even remotely looking for a relationship, but I've definitely seen some younger people find romantic partners in our little hiking group.
Have you tried volunteering? Gets you out, you'd meet people with similar interests, and to top it off you'd be doing good in the community!
I think that depends on the groups that exist near you.
I know someone who was in a similar situation (divorced around 50), and she found a local hiking group of divorced people who wanted exactly what you're looking for. So maybe ask on a local group on some social networks?
Hiking specifically is great because it's an activity that both kinda forces people to talk, and also supplies a default topic for conversation (It's also free, healthy and doesn't require special skills). If you're not into hiking, maybe a book club? Volunteering groups, like other people suggested, also fits that bill. Point is, don't just look for [an activity] with people your age, think about how much that activity is conductive for making friends. Something with 10% people your age, but that encourages talking with each other, might be better than something with 90% people your age where the group listens to a teacher together and then everybody does their own thing separately.
Also, It might actually get easier to find new people in a few years. Some people wait for their kids to grow up/move out before divorcing, which creates a spike of single people at that age.
I know you said you don't like dating apps, but I would write them off completely. My partner and I met online (we're both within a few years of your age), and one thing we both agree on is that dating apps are great for vetting a potential partner ahead of time. It's frustrating to meet someone only to find out that they have/want kids (we don't), don't share any common interests, have opposing religious/political views, etc. By the time we actually met in person, we both already knew that we would at least get along as friends. It does seem that women tend to get a lot more "garbage" matches on online dating than men do, though; it probably also depends largely on where you live.
Okay, this post is only an hour old but it already has a ton of replies. I reallly hope you see this, though. I’m going to GBF you for just a couple of minutes.
First of all - girl, seriously? 40 year olds go out all the time for drinks. You should try going out with friends so you can keep an eye on each other, but every bar go to is filled with people our age. I’m ten years older than you, and I in no way feel like an old man in a bar. If you have a next day recovery concern, just limit yourself, or go on the weekends. Just make sure you’re taking an Uber and if you’re doing solo yolo let a friend know where you’re going and let them track your phone or something.
Second, apps can be toxic but they can also be gamed. You’re looking for a silver fox type, maybe with a bit of a dad bod is my guess. Put out for some headshots or other pro photos. There’s even a lot of amateur photographers who you might be able to find on insta who would be happy to do a quick session for a modest amount of money. Do yourself a favor and get a serious makeover and some new outfits first, because it will make you feel like your best self.
Third, it’s okay to just be looking to get dicked down even while looking for something serious. Don’t hang everything on finding your next life partner if you really are just craving physical affection.
There are tons of 40+ men who are single due to similar circumstances to yours. They’re at bars, and they go to concerts at local venues. They’re probably not going to be at the clubs the 20-something’s go to, but they have their own territories.
It really sounds like you have to see yourself as your best self, and up your game with that confidence.
Oh I don't really care only about men. I really don't have friends here. I moved here about a year ago, work from home witha fully international team. I think this circumstance of not talking to people for days made me lonely for company, not only men. Yes dick is nice and all but I think it's more about company. I don't really drink much and going to a bar alone is kind of sad and going with young people don't really fit me, I'm pass some things. I was just looking for some new ideas :)
Look for a bar where there's more than just drinking - pool, shuffleboard, trivia night, etc. There's always a group that's one person short. Find anyplace that you like - coffee shop, dog park, or whatever - and go at the same time each week. You'll begin to see regulars and then it's easier to start a conversation because they already feel familiar. Take along a book you like, read a few pages, and then set it on the table. A book looks more interesting than scrolling your phone and can be a good conversation starter. I went to a whiskey tasting recently and it was packed with men over 40!! Seriously, like 50 guys and 5 women! Liquor stores here do free wine tastings on certain nights- there's always a line and everyone's chatting while they wait- is this your first time, what are they sampling today, have you had it before, ...
I met my partner via Hinge app. We started hanging out on a regular basis and the relationship happened organically over time.
The world of dating apps sucks these days. I liked when they were in the form of email. I would write long opening messages that revealed my personality and met people pretty easily. Now they're modeled like test messages. I am not great a stupid small talk. It made things harder for me.
Good luck! It's easy to feel down about meeting people at this age, but also one of my best friends is someone who I met via a dating app. We both knew we weren't right romantically, but remained pals. She and her husband come join us for movie night and such. I guess I'm saying don't lose hope.
Same way a man meets people: meetup.com
Was going to share this. I've had a lot of fun on there in the past. One of the best parts is if you're in a good sized group, nobody is weirded out of you go say hi and introduce yourself and start talking because they are all there for the same thing.
I've also found some great activities, like random capture the flag with dozens of people that I haven't played since high school otherwise.
I have a group of friends from Meetup (as others have suggested). One of them just got married for the first time at around 40. He met his wife via a friend who he also met from Meetup. Just a personal anecdote but I thought it would be helpful :)
Good luck!
Bumble friend search, you don't have to look romantically. Meetup works too, though not quite as well for me, since not everyone with a common interest wants a new close friend.
We're out there and depending on where you are there's quite a lot of us in your shoes and many also don't really know how to go about this business.
Some suggestions, either online or local;
Bookclubs
Walking groups
Chess, board games, table top
Theater groups (meetup groups to go to the theater as a group)
Escape room group meetups.
Depending on if you are in a city or a smaller town the locals options will vary. I'd look at meetups site and browse local activities. For most any activity you will find a range of ages, but some will skew more one way than another.
Best of luck!
Board game or DnD club! I've met so many cool people at these things and it's a fun hobby to boot! :)
If the objective is “meeting people” in the dating sense, it’s usually going to be apps or singles events. Some apps are definitely better than others, so I wouldn’t just write them all off thinking they’re all like Tinder.
If dating is a nice-to-have outcome but you’re also happy to socialize, MeetUp is a great option. You can vet events based on something you’re already interested in, and meeting someone while doing it becomes secondary (and therefore less pressure). If there are no good candidates (or no chemistry), then at least you didn’t waste your night - you still got to play board games or make sourdough or whatever was going on.
Meetup.com has events for a ton of different interests, I've found them to be quite diverse in age but some events are also focused for certain age ranges, so you might have some luck there!
Do they have to be in person?
Well not really but I don't like dating apps that's like shopping from china lol
School board, local political groups and Kiwanis/ lions club. You'll probably also find some ppl u align with politically this way.
I'd start looking at stuff like meetup.com, fun clubs in your area (climbing, gardening, aquariums, biking), and particularly singles adventure clubs. They are out there, and they are really fun. Not dating. Just making friends.
One night it will be swing dancing, the next week whitewater rafting. You get to choose what you like! They rented one of our chartered boats for a 4th of July out on the water when I used to bartend in college. Lots of cute men and women, generally 30s and 40s. They really seemed to be enjoying it :)
Are you into bars at all? Finding a bar that already had regulars who are fun group is a pleasant way to make friends imo and you’ll meet people naturally once you know some people. All you have to do is scope out which one feels comfortable and visit at the same time each week. Obviously watch out for raging alcoholics, but lots of folks are healthy(ish) and just there for companionship.
This is pretty niche, but I'm in a casual curling league and nearly everyone is over 40. Everyone there is super welcoming and friendly.
I have a strategy where i'll get'em really hot by showing off all my 99s, but it's getting to that step that's been the hard part.