Holy Grail feels more apt, vessel filled with his semi-literal blood sound phylactery-ish to me
And Liches hide them very well. No one's ever found the holy Grail, so this tracks
What do condoms have to do with anything?
He's clearly a divine soul sorcerer who went to zero HP one session, then remembered he had Unearthly Recovery the next session but had already rolled a new character.
Classic Vodo zombies weren't mindless eaters of brains.
They were fully cognizant people raised to carry out someone's will.
That could apply.
Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. So does that mean he was a lich before the crucifixion?
Gotta be a lich before you die or else you don't come back
Oooh, good point.
He was a high level cleric, obviously.
Fake news. Jesus was a Revenant.
Jesus went to hell and came back. He looks nothing like a hell revenant. Way fewer missiles, for one thing
Where phylactery?
yup.
and every Christian who takes communion is a cannibal.
That’s Catholics.
Who are Christians.
But only the Catholics believe in transubstantiation, so only they are cannibals because only they believe that they are literally eating his body
All other Christians see communion as symbolic, and therefore are not cannibals.
The only way to solve this is violent bloody war
You really just need one Catholic for a post communion dissection.
A sample size one? That's hardly enough for a conclusive result. The one you dissect could have just been a cannibal anyway and while corrupt the findings. Really a brutal war is the only way to go if we want enough samples.
Well symbolic cannibals
Sure, but I was pointing out that not all christians, just the ones on that team.
A point of debate for many Christians.
No, it’s not just Catholics who take communion.
Source: Mum tried to raise me Anglican.
Really? That's new information to me! Wow, just when you thought you knew a thing you find out you don't. Are there any others that do the transubstantiating crackers?
Honestly, I'm not sure. You might still be partly right, though.
The Anglican church originated from the Church of England which was created by (the formerly Catholic) Henry VIII, when the Pope wouldn't annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon.
Just evidence, as always, of religion being used to further a powerful person's agenda.
Are Lutherans catholic? I went to church a few times with my cousins years and years ago, and they were Lutheran. I snagged communion with them once, my aunt was so mad...
Lutherans too? Damn, that's wild. I completely misspoke out of ignorance. I thought it was well-known and established that it was a catholic thing alone.
Lutherans would consider themselves Catholic for the most part; Roman Catholics would not.
Catholic just means “universal” though… at least when it’s lower case. Which is why most denominations will recite the creed and say they believe in the catholic church — which is a totally different thing from the Roman Catholic Church.
Umm I thought Martin Luther was like, the original protestant.
Yeah; he was also a Catholic. He wasn’t protesting against the Catholic Church, he was protesting against the corruption within the church. He was a reformer, not a detractor.
Oh, I re-read your previous comment and understand better now. It's been a long while since I learned this stuff.
No.
I'm in the camp that believes that Jesus was a real person. And being that he was a real person, he did not rise from the dead, because that doesn't happen. So, Jesus was not a zombie.
If Jesus wasn't actually a real person... sure, knock yourself out. Zombie, Lich, whatever else you want to call it. Doesn't really matter if we're just making up stories with no real historical basis.
Assuming Jesus was a normal human being, one of many wandering apocalyptic Jewish preachers of the era... no, he's just a dead cult leader who became legendary following exaggerated stories about him becoming popular after his death.
...
Assuming you attempt to take any of these stories seriously, it depends on your interpretation and which stories you believe hold precedence over others.
Paul seems to refer to Jesus as having a glorified spiritual/phantom kind of body, which evidently looks like a person but is capable of flying and either teleporting or phasing through walls. Paul never actually refers to a physical/fleshy Jesus, Jesus is always seen in visions, or encounters which can be read as fleeting appearances of basically a glorious or mysterious ghost, or more sceptically as hallucinations.
Marcion and his followers embraced these ideas over the later Gospels, and rejected the idea that Jesus had been crucified, that he was physical/flesh whatsoever.
The Gospels however, refer to Jesus very much having a human body, with holes from his crucifixion, (the doubting Thomas story), who eats and sleeps. so this is more in line with a zombie or lich.
But, there's also Jesus' slew of powers/miracles that basically make him into a conjuration capable mage, a healing capable cleric, a necromancer, who raises the dead, a summoner of spirits (the transfiguration, Moses and Elijah come down from Heaven), and whatever kind of mage type spell is needed to either vanish or fly off into heaven.
(Also I guess partly Bard as well, if you count telling parables as a Bardly skill)
So basically he's a custom or multi or hybrid class going by different kinds of TTRPG rules... ???
The entities that were almost certainly zombies were all of the dead who rose from their graves upon the moment of Jesus death in Matthew 27 51-53.
They then waited around the cemetery for the three days it took for Jesus to be resurrected, and then wandered around Jerusalem and 'were seen by many'.
Where they went afterward is unclear, they are never again mentioned.
...
The nature of Jesus physical form vs spiritual form was part of considerable contention amongst early Christians: Was Jesus God incarnated as a human, or was he a human Messiah blessed by God... or... both?
Eventually the concept of the Trinity was decided on, but this was after several hundred years of competing sects and stories and texts.
Early Christian sects varied wildly on ... basically everything, from whether or not the old Jewish law and customs needed to be adhered to, to which stories about Jesus were true and which were false...
The Essenes believed that Jesus was a 96 foot tall demi-god/angelic being and that he had a sister, the Holy Spirit, who was female, and also a 96 foot tall demi-god/angel.
The Cerinthians, the Valentinians and the Sethians seemed to all follow a line of thought which eventually became the Gospel of Judas, which proposes that Yahweh is actually Yaldabaoth, an evil demiurge amongst a pantheon of other gods, who created this world and all material existence as a kind of prison, and that Jesus was actually 'from the immortal realm of Barbelo', come to reveal to us mortals a path to basically escaping the matrix through the enlightenment of learning this and other hidden truths.
(I use 'escaping the matrix' deliberately as the Wachowskis themselves incorporated Gnostic ideas into the movies, as well as concepts from many other religions and philosophers)
So this Jesus would be less like a zombie and be more like Neo getting up after being shot by Smith: Jesus is but a man, he is a physical incarnation in a world with physical rules, but he can sometimes bend or break these rules.
His true essence, his Spirit, is a separate entity that is elsewhere, in another realm of existence, and that spirit is basically just piloting the human form 'Jesus' as one directs a virtual avatar to move around in a video game.
...
There were and currently are so many different sects of Christianity that uh, basically, Jesus is whatever is determined by whichever canon and theology you accept.
Thanks for the read.
When I was in college I wanted to make a short film with Jesus as a fuckup: raises Lazarus as a zombie by mistake, needs little kids’ floaty arm things on ankles to walk on water, apostles only hang out with him for the free wine. Never got around to it.
you should do it now.
I've lost interest.
passion of the Christ 2: Jesaloo
Only if Charlie agrees to play Jesus.
Charlie Sheen? He might, you should ask.
He's a bitch. He's a lover. He's a child. He's a zombie. He's a sinner. He's a saint.
Maurice?
He do not feel ashamed!
He's a dream divine and we make love together 🎶
No. Jesus had his intellect and personality intact, which zombies do not.
NB: I'm taking the Gospels as gospel, here. I do not think the man himself rose from the dead.
Who said zombies can't?
You raise a fair point: what exactly is a zombie? To me, a zombie is not a sapient thing, so if it remembers its previous sapience, it's not a zombie. But zombies aren't real, which makes it difficult to define them precisely.
There are enough stories of intelligent zombies that its easy to say he can be considered a zombie inspite of his intelligence. I think a better argument is that zombies are only one form of animated dead.
Zombies are dead things like liches, ghouls, vampires, wights, revenants etc. just as there are many stories of these creatures there are probably as many, or at least enough of coming back to life and not being some form of animated corpse.
Resurrection, reincarnation, regeneration, wishing and of course miracles
The story of jesus is clearly a divine/holy intervention though which suggests NOT an animated corpse but a true return to life.
So I also say no, but for different reasons.
Will that stop me from calling easter zombie jesus day? It will not :p
..yet the maga cult exists in swarms, obeying the loudest orangutang with the mightiest cholesterol.
Nah, a lich is a wizard who returns to life by binding his soul to a phylactery. Jesus was a cleric, so he came back as a mummy lord.
Except he famously left the linen folded up in the tomb and had all his body parts intact….
I suppose technically he's more of a revenant. Higher hit dice.
He was Jewish, so a Golem might be a better cultural fit, but I'm pretty sure Jesus was (according to the fairy tale) born to a human woman and not made of mud.
Adam was a golem
Gottlem
Follow up question: if he was a zombie, would you marry him?
heavy Tina moaning
But he doesn’t want brain (˵ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°˵).
is santa an elf?
Depends on the universe. The Santa Clause? Explicitly human.
Many vodúnsɛntó practice their traditional religion alongside Christianity, for instance by interpreting Jesus Christ as a vodún. [...] The possessed person is often referred to as the vodún itself.
Jesus was a hovercraft.
Magic Woody Allen zombie super hero komodo dragon telepathic quantum hovercraft Jesus.
In canon (hue hue) nah, "God did it" which explains anything.
So is the Spear of Destiny his phylactery?
Holy Grail feels more apt, vessel filled with his semi-literal blood sound phylactery-ish to me
And Liches hide them very well. No one's ever found the holy Grail, so this tracks
What do condoms have to do with anything?
He's clearly a divine soul sorcerer who went to zero HP one session, then remembered he had Unearthly Recovery the next session but had already rolled a new character.
Classic Vodo zombies weren't mindless eaters of brains.
They were fully cognizant people raised to carry out someone's will.
That could apply.
Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. So does that mean he was a lich before the crucifixion?
Gotta be a lich before you die or else you don't come back
Oooh, good point.
He was a high level cleric, obviously.
Fake news. Jesus was a Revenant.
Jesus went to hell and came back. He looks nothing like a hell revenant. Way fewer missiles, for one thing
Where phylactery?
yup.
and every Christian who takes communion is a cannibal.
That’s Catholics.
Who are Christians.
But only the Catholics believe in transubstantiation, so only they are cannibals because only they believe that they are literally eating his body
All other Christians see communion as symbolic, and therefore are not cannibals.
The only way to solve this is violent bloody war
You really just need one Catholic for a post communion dissection.
A sample size one? That's hardly enough for a conclusive result. The one you dissect could have just been a cannibal anyway and while corrupt the findings. Really a brutal war is the only way to go if we want enough samples.
Well symbolic cannibals
Sure, but I was pointing out that not all christians, just the ones on that team.
A point of debate for many Christians.
No, it’s not just Catholics who take communion.
Source: Mum tried to raise me Anglican.
Really? That's new information to me! Wow, just when you thought you knew a thing you find out you don't. Are there any others that do the transubstantiating crackers?
Honestly, I'm not sure. You might still be partly right, though.
The Anglican church originated from the Church of England which was created by (the formerly Catholic) Henry VIII, when the Pope wouldn't annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon.
Just evidence, as always, of religion being used to further a powerful person's agenda.
Are Lutherans catholic? I went to church a few times with my cousins years and years ago, and they were Lutheran. I snagged communion with them once, my aunt was so mad...
Lutherans too? Damn, that's wild. I completely misspoke out of ignorance. I thought it was well-known and established that it was a catholic thing alone.
Lutherans would consider themselves Catholic for the most part; Roman Catholics would not.
Catholic just means “universal” though… at least when it’s lower case. Which is why most denominations will recite the creed and say they believe in the catholic church — which is a totally different thing from the Roman Catholic Church.
Umm I thought Martin Luther was like, the original protestant.
Yeah; he was also a Catholic. He wasn’t protesting against the Catholic Church, he was protesting against the corruption within the church. He was a reformer, not a detractor.
Oh, I re-read your previous comment and understand better now. It's been a long while since I learned this stuff.
No.
I'm in the camp that believes that Jesus was a real person. And being that he was a real person, he did not rise from the dead, because that doesn't happen. So, Jesus was not a zombie.
If Jesus wasn't actually a real person... sure, knock yourself out. Zombie, Lich, whatever else you want to call it. Doesn't really matter if we're just making up stories with no real historical basis.
Assuming Jesus was a normal human being, one of many wandering apocalyptic Jewish preachers of the era... no, he's just a dead cult leader who became legendary following exaggerated stories about him becoming popular after his death.
...
Assuming you attempt to take any of these stories seriously, it depends on your interpretation and which stories you believe hold precedence over others.
Paul seems to refer to Jesus as having a glorified spiritual/phantom kind of body, which evidently looks like a person but is capable of flying and either teleporting or phasing through walls. Paul never actually refers to a physical/fleshy Jesus, Jesus is always seen in visions, or encounters which can be read as fleeting appearances of basically a glorious or mysterious ghost, or more sceptically as hallucinations.
Marcion and his followers embraced these ideas over the later Gospels, and rejected the idea that Jesus had been crucified, that he was physical/flesh whatsoever.
The Gospels however, refer to Jesus very much having a human body, with holes from his crucifixion, (the doubting Thomas story), who eats and sleeps. so this is more in line with a zombie or lich.
But, there's also Jesus' slew of powers/miracles that basically make him into a conjuration capable mage, a healing capable cleric, a necromancer, who raises the dead, a summoner of spirits (the transfiguration, Moses and Elijah come down from Heaven), and whatever kind of mage type spell is needed to either vanish or fly off into heaven.
(Also I guess partly Bard as well, if you count telling parables as a Bardly skill)
So basically he's a custom or multi or hybrid class going by different kinds of TTRPG rules... ???
The entities that were almost certainly zombies were all of the dead who rose from their graves upon the moment of Jesus death in Matthew 27 51-53.
They then waited around the cemetery for the three days it took for Jesus to be resurrected, and then wandered around Jerusalem and 'were seen by many'.
Where they went afterward is unclear, they are never again mentioned.
...
The nature of Jesus physical form vs spiritual form was part of considerable contention amongst early Christians: Was Jesus God incarnated as a human, or was he a human Messiah blessed by God... or... both?
Eventually the concept of the Trinity was decided on, but this was after several hundred years of competing sects and stories and texts.
Early Christian sects varied wildly on ... basically everything, from whether or not the old Jewish law and customs needed to be adhered to, to which stories about Jesus were true and which were false...
The Essenes believed that Jesus was a 96 foot tall demi-god/angelic being and that he had a sister, the Holy Spirit, who was female, and also a 96 foot tall demi-god/angel.
The Cerinthians, the Valentinians and the Sethians seemed to all follow a line of thought which eventually became the Gospel of Judas, which proposes that Yahweh is actually Yaldabaoth, an evil demiurge amongst a pantheon of other gods, who created this world and all material existence as a kind of prison, and that Jesus was actually 'from the immortal realm of Barbelo', come to reveal to us mortals a path to basically escaping the matrix through the enlightenment of learning this and other hidden truths.
(I use 'escaping the matrix' deliberately as the Wachowskis themselves incorporated Gnostic ideas into the movies, as well as concepts from many other religions and philosophers)
So this Jesus would be less like a zombie and be more like Neo getting up after being shot by Smith: Jesus is but a man, he is a physical incarnation in a world with physical rules, but he can sometimes bend or break these rules.
His true essence, his Spirit, is a separate entity that is elsewhere, in another realm of existence, and that spirit is basically just piloting the human form 'Jesus' as one directs a virtual avatar to move around in a video game.
...
There were and currently are so many different sects of Christianity that uh, basically, Jesus is whatever is determined by whichever canon and theology you accept.
Thanks for the read.
When I was in college I wanted to make a short film with Jesus as a fuckup: raises Lazarus as a zombie by mistake, needs little kids’ floaty arm things on ankles to walk on water, apostles only hang out with him for the free wine. Never got around to it.
you should do it now.
I've lost interest.
passion of the Christ 2: Jesaloo
Only if Charlie agrees to play Jesus.
Charlie Sheen? He might, you should ask.
He's a bitch. He's a lover. He's a child. He's a zombie. He's a sinner. He's a saint.
Maurice?
He do not feel ashamed!
He's a dream divine and we make love together 🎶
No. Jesus had his intellect and personality intact, which zombies do not.
NB: I'm taking the Gospels as gospel, here. I do not think the man himself rose from the dead.
Who said zombies can't?
You raise a fair point: what exactly is a zombie? To me, a zombie is not a sapient thing, so if it remembers its previous sapience, it's not a zombie. But zombies aren't real, which makes it difficult to define them precisely.
There are enough stories of intelligent zombies that its easy to say he can be considered a zombie inspite of his intelligence. I think a better argument is that zombies are only one form of animated dead.
Zombies are dead things like liches, ghouls, vampires, wights, revenants etc. just as there are many stories of these creatures there are probably as many, or at least enough of coming back to life and not being some form of animated corpse.
Resurrection, reincarnation, regeneration, wishing and of course miracles
The story of jesus is clearly a divine/holy intervention though which suggests NOT an animated corpse but a true return to life.
So I also say no, but for different reasons.
Will that stop me from calling easter zombie jesus day? It will not :p
..yet the maga cult exists in swarms, obeying the loudest orangutang with the mightiest cholesterol.
Technically, he would be a lich.
Nah, a lich is a wizard who returns to life by binding his soul to a phylactery. Jesus was a cleric, so he came back as a mummy lord.
Except he famously left the linen folded up in the tomb and had all his body parts intact….
I suppose technically he's more of a revenant. Higher hit dice.
He was Jewish, so a Golem might be a better cultural fit, but I'm pretty sure Jesus was (according to the fairy tale) born to a human woman and not made of mud.
Adam was a golem
Go
ttlemFollow up question: if he was a zombie, would you marry him?
heavy Tina moaning
But he doesn’t want brain (˵ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°˵).
is santa an elf?
Depends on the universe. The Santa Clause? Explicitly human.
Yes.
According to the Wikipedia article on West African Vodun:
Jesus was a hovercraft.
Magic Woody Allen zombie super hero komodo dragon telepathic quantum hovercraft Jesus.
In canon (hue hue) nah, "God did it" which explains anything.
Jesus was a zombie