How do I avoid becoming a crotchety old man? I’m seriously asking.
You know the type, probably a good father or worker, but serious faced all the time, never smiles, often in a bad mood, very cynical. It’s just I feel like I’m on the path to this, I’m 28, just escaped 12 years of food service so I’m already super cynical and if someone comes up to me, I’m super ready to shut down whatever’s about to happen. I feel like working with customers for years I’ve learned to have giant walls up and I can’t seem to remove them. I see the other guys in the factory I’m working at laughing and joking all the time, I think of myself as funny but it’s always deadpan humor and I wish I could genuinely smile and laugh and make friends with the other guys. Any old timers or well travelers out there have any advice?
My advice? Sounds like you could use some therapy. Genuinely therapy is really helpful for sorting out these issues.
You sound like you may be dealing with more than just burn out. Of course im not a medical professional and i dont know you well enough to really make any fair assessment but just talking things out with someone would likely be beneficial.
If you can't afford therapy, talking things out with a friend may help as well but as they wont be trained to deal with this, it may or may not be helpful. It can help but its not a replacement for professional help unfortunately. I speak from experience but ymmv.
I worked in CS so i know it sucks. I hope things get better for you.
I’ve got no qualms against going back to therapy, it’s been some years. Only thing is I’ll have to wait till November when I can get on my works insurance plan
In case you don't know about it and its effectiveness, you could read about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. You could watch Steven Hayes Ted Talk (or other talks) or read his Liberated Mind book.
Practicing what I call Micro Pleasantries helps me feel good about life. Can be as simple as complimenting someone on their awesome new shoes or giving up your seat on the bus (or allowing someone to merge) It makes me feel better and hopefully makes someone feel better , too.
This. I try to do give a stranger at least one genuine compliment whenever I go out. It helps keep me positive and aware.
I’m not sure how much I can help except to reassure you that your personality does not have to be a straight line into “grumpy old man”.
When I was your age, I was also pessimistic, sarcastic, cynical, with deadpan humor. I probably wasn’t a fun person to be around. Now that i’m twice your age, i’m optimistic, positive, pleasant and friendly, and love goofy humor and Dad Jokes. My politics have skewed way left, and I regularly try to interject some hope into discussions with disillusioned young adults. Don't worry about a thing 'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright
My best guess for why I changed, was having kids. Some of it was to light up the path of their lives, some of it was seeing the light through their eyes, but I think it was mostly joining them. I first saw the light at a cabin in the Adirondacks when I snuck out early before anyone was up so I could feed my newborn his first bottle at the top of the nearby mountain. I could look around, do the Lion King thing to proclaim the world as his. But it got better as he got older and I rediscovered my inner child and the simple joy of playing. Now he’s the serious kid going into college worrying about his future, the environment, etc, and I’m the goofball making him laugh, showing hope and optimism about the future, letting him know every little thing is gonna be alright l
Well, self awareness goes a long way, so you’re on the right path. Lots of people get crotchety and cynical by focusing too much on things that are outside their control. Focus more on areas of your life that you can influence, and learn to enjoy your life for what it is rather than what it could be.
Honestly, if you’re the type of person who’s prone to this, disengaging from hyper cynical social media platforms (yes, including Lemmy) is probably another good idea.
My dad used to be super into politics and consumed rage-bait news on TV and social media a lot, especially during the height of covid. Once he unplugged from all of that there was a noticeable shift in his demeanor and I would say that he’s significantly happier and more content now.
Ideally, but I found on reddit that highly curating my subscriptions (including pretty much removing all defaults) helped too.
Look for the little joys. Seriously. You know that light that always seems to be red when you get there? Celebrate the times it's not rather than getting annoyed when it is. Make up words from the letters on a license and consider what might make a person want that. Come up with bad answers. Absurd ones. Find shapes in clouds.
Not all of that is easy but it can be worth the effort.
Happiness can be chosen, just not all the time. Look for the places you can and try to do it. Like anything it'll get easier with practice.
*There are hard things that will make choosing happiness nigh impossible. If you find yourself in one of these places you need external help, very probably professional. It's not weakness to acknowledge that any more than it is to see a doctor if you cut off your arm.
I'll add, Listen to stand up comedy or a funny podcast while driving. Your brain will eventually associate annoyance with humor, and everything irritating becomes a chance to make a joke. Made a difference for me after years of sitting in traffic.
That’s a really great idea, I never thought of that! Would have really helped my 2 hour each way commutes that drove me crazy before I went full remote.
Don't worry about it, accept it as a stage of life and do it with style. Start cataloging a lot of zingers aimed at young people being foolish and practice your delivery of the word "dumbass" so that it can be used to end most sentences.
Indeed. Would that we could all aspire to "The 70s Show" ideal crotchety old man.
I'll introduce my size 10 boot, to your ass!
Duh just take shrooms
As someone who doesn't do shrooms, this might actually be the answer.
On a less sarcastic note, Shrooms and acid both bind to the 5HT2A serotonin receptor in the brain. This receptor is responsible for filtering out information. Sensory information like the buzzing of the AC or fridge gets filtered out because it's not useful information, and you've heard it a million times anyways. When this receptor is blocked, your brain reverts back to a childlike state because all information is treated like new information because it's not getting filtered out
Just to add a bit; I don't know anything about brain chemistry, but if I cast the subjective experience into these terms I would imagine that this filtering occurs at higher levels of abstraction than the mentioned sensory input. Meaning that you have conscious awareness of ideas that your usual habits of thought would filter out before they reached conscious awareness. The vast majority of those ideas are just fun, creative, silly bullshit that can easily take on a quality of profundity that it is tempting to take far too seriously, but sometimes they can inspire more long-term creative paths, or even just let you appreciate your sober experience of the world in new and interesting ways.
This is useful for many of us who spend the vast majority of our thinking time in very utilitarian goal-oriented patterns. These habits of thought, while useful for earning a living working in a kitchen or whatever, for example, can hamper our ability to experience other sorts of creative, playful, and novel patterns of thought that make life fun. Breaking out of those habits can help bring new, vibrant perspectives on our living experience.
Right, good point, and yes: it's much more than just sensory information. And it's more than just the removal of a filter. There's no small change in a complex system, especially when that system is the brain
Ive made a lot of music on Lucy. Im really curious what the effects of learning an instrument or languages are when under those conditions
Join a men’s group. Nothing else in my life has softened my face more.
I think I messed up and joined a cult
What is a men's group? Can you elaborate
I assume he means like a group of guys who get together and just do some activity
I think he means a group like the NY Jack's
Sort of like a cross between group therapy and a mastermind group. Mostly we just check in which whatever’s good or bad going on, how it makes us feel. There’s a focus on minimizing the details and sticking to what things feel like right here and now, as a way of getting in tune with what feelings are present.
I had no idea this was true, but I couldn’t identify which feelings I was feeling. I only expressed, and allowed myself to identify, emotions that matched who I was in my story.
Now I feel my actual literal emotions. Directly. It’s made it so much easier to make life decisions. And I feel a lot less out of place in life. I actually feel like part of humanity now.
Sounds fantastic. Is there an organization for such groups? I've never heard of them before.
Maybe apart from masonic lodges...
One thing no one seems to be mentioning, is finding a purpose. A reason that things are worth it even when they aren't good.
What is your reason for living, your hope, even when shit hits the fan?
My purpose is my art and my animations, only thing is this new job is extremely demanding time and energy wise compared to anything I’ve had, so I barely have time to get home and create anymore
Does that stand up when everything goes to hell?
This is crucial. Even if that thing is just enjoying a nice walk in the morning or finding the best burger in town or playing pinball. The point is to make yourself have something to look forward to. That’s all that keeps me going.
Do you happen to have access to a bunch of balloons?
As someone near your age who had worked in Food Service for a similar amount of time; I highly recommend you talk to your GP about getting some help. I came out feeling the exact same way, but ignored it. That was the wrong thing to do, and getting medical help has made a huge difference.
It's kinda freaky reading your post honestly. I even worked on Factory lines after kitchens and had a similar experience.
I agree with @Bluefruit that therapy is invaluable if you get a good therapist (you might have to try a few; don't get discouraged). I think 80% (a number right from my ass) people could benefit from therapy (as opposed to 80% need therapy).
But also, some of it is just personality. I also don't smile easily with people who aren't close to me. I have trouble making jokes with people that don't know me intimately because my (also) deadpan humor is dark and absurdist. Only through knowing me intimately will it sound like a joke. A colleague once observed that he was starting to recognize my brand of humor six months into working together, which I found surprising at the time. Some of it you just accept as who you are.
Having been in CS positions at different times in my life, I realize that it can make a person dead inside. Hopefully, this isn't your situation. If it is, please work (however you find an ability to) to find a change. For me, it was witnessing a moment of truly astonishing empathy from someone that was a wakeup call. Best of luck!
Eh just lean into it.
Give more than you take.
I think this would work. It's effort but it'll do.
I might understand how you feel. Opening up is a good first step. But after that? I don't know. What steps to take and how long your path will be... no one knows.
Whenever anxiety tries to take controll of me... whenever i am angry at my own progress, i think about a little story:
A man takes a morning-walk on the beach. During the night there was a terrible storm, spreading tousands of seastars over the sand. He sees a woman trying to bring the seastars back to the water.
He walk up to her and asks: "why are you even doing this? You will just save a few, but the majority will die when the sun rises."
She bend down to pick one seastar up and throws it into the ocean. "Maybe. But this one i have saved."
Changing is hard and often feels pointless. The only thing we can do is doing things step by step.
The way you avoid becoming a crotchety old man is to die young. I'm not sure I've met a genuinely happy old man.
I've met several. Usually on dive boats in the Caribbean! So I'd say the secret is to overdose on nitrogen while staring at fish in their natural habitat.
I know of one that seems happy all the time, he's approaching 70. He's also stoned 24/7 which may have something to do with it.
Don't get injured.
Oh, I don't know, I'm all kinds of broken and am still delightful.
After reading the other replies I went back and re-read your post to check...you don't mention a partner or any significant other. I think you might be focusing too hard inward (bad mood, cynical, walls up) and not focusing outward (cherishing interactions with others, forming or maintaining bonds with others). Perhaps you're feeling lonely?
I am a grump but my wife won't let me get away with it for long. I am cynical but my friends call me on it because I force myself to share. My work puts me in contact with new people every day and I actively seek an understanding of them and have to let them see who I am in order to be good at my job.
Another respondent said "put yourself out there". I agree but would also add seek out interactions with others and be a participant not an observer.
So I do have a partner, we spend a lot of time together and I’m actually quite happy relationship wise, however I’m not very happy friend wise, I have some online friends but no real friends and have trouble talking to other guys, I’ve never been much for bro talk
Making friends as an adult is hard. Is there something you like to do that occurs outside your home? We used to play darts on Tuesdays - not with a group, just the two of us - and found that the same people were often at the bar each week. Would have been pretty easy to invite someone to play. Anywhere that people gather fairly regularly can be a good meeting place. Also, volunteering can help with negativity and can be a good place to meet people. Feeling better about yourself makes you more attractive/approachable to other people.
I’m glad you have someone to lean on - that’s what makes the difference for me. I also don’t do bro - hate sports, don’t like pranks. I don’t have many friends but the ones I have are solid and dependable. I see my best friend less than monthly but we talk several times a day to share work complaints, discuss food or what we’re currently binging on TV.
Get a better job and hang around with cooler people, get drunk and high if you feel like it, and get your mind into a state of carelessness about all the bullshit. Don't worry about things that you can't control, because it does no good and stains your mind. Enjoy your hobbies and do whatever you want.
I think one thing you can do is just practice smiling. Smiling sends you good brain chemicals, even if you're not happy. Maybe those other guys joke and laugh with each other, but not you, because when they see your serious face, they think you don't want to interact with them. If you smile when you overhear their jokes, they may rope you in. And people just like seeing someone smile. (Generally. If people start looking worried and edging away from you slowly, maybe dial it back a little.)
One other thing I think of as a hallmark of crotchety people is reacting to any development pragmatically or even pessimistically. A lot of things that happen in life could be interpreted in multiple ways, and you can try to focus on the positive sides of things. Boss asks you to do extra work? Maybe it's an opportunity to impress them, or develop a new skill. Car won't start? Well, it IS nice out, and it feels good to go for a walk. I know that isn't always easy to do, often times a thing happens that is just crappy. But try to practice it whenever you get a chance, until it becomes a habit.
Additionally, since that's not always reliable, make a habit at the end of the day to think of and say out loud 3 things that happened that you were grateful for that day. They can be big broad things like "I'm glad I'm healthy" or even "I'm glad my back didn't hurt like usual" or really specific like "I'm glad Tony said he'd cover my shift at work, he didn't have to do that."
☝️underrated comment. I've been doing remote tech support & customer service for a few years and taught myself to smile whenever I'm typing out a message to a customer. Even though the customer can't see it, it nudges my head in the right direction and makes the work more tolerable.
You are literally bio-hacking your brain by doing this. It seems counterintuitive but your mood is partially controlled by a feedback loop in your brain, and smiling will essentially force other parts to get on board the happy train.
You sound like you are a bit traumatized from your years in food service.
That’s an understatement, I’ve worked every type of environment in that industry that’s customer facing, I’ve been screamed at, had food thrown at me, packs of kids rob the store, and I can tell before a customer even says a word what their vibe will be. It’s like an invisible force, if you walk into a store with a problem I clock you immediately, every. Single. Time.
I am sorry for what you had to suffer through. Just know it was not your fault. You were abused by a broken and exploitative economic system and you bear no blame in any of it.
Not specific to your issue but: Remember that people younger than you grew up in very different situations then you did. You grew up, then the world changed. It never stops changing.
Well, yeah. Yeah you're on the path to being a grumpy old man. Why the fuck wouldn't ya be? Have you looked around? So many humans doing what they can to actively make things worse. Everyday stupid shit just gets stupider.
Fuck it.
Yeah. We're fucking it up. Fuck it. Yeah. Peeps are shits to each other. Fuck it. Yeah. So many of us refuse to change even a tiny bit to make the world better for all. Fuck it.
Humans are some silly people. Best thing to do is improve little things around ya. Be the change you'd like to see. And.... Fuck it. Let that shit go.
Widen that view as far as you can. We're fucking miracles. Fucking stars blew up and made these crazy improbable combo of atoms speeding along on a spaceship planet that ending up making a you. And a me. And we're here at the same damn time. Fucking hell.
Yeah. Everything is fucked. But don't worry. No matter what happens, the sun will swallow the earth and it will all disappear.
So make the best of it. Enjoy the enjoyable parts of the ride. Find a butt to pinch, a flower to smell, a candle to burn. Waste some time.
Breathe and feel that fucking air in your throat. Fucking nice.
If you're grumpy, be grumpy. Enjoy it. Oscar your grouch right up!
Fuck it.
Nihilism in a fucking nutshell.
Fair!? WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES?
I agree with most of the other replies, but I'd also add: try a gratitude journal. Writing down things you're happy about can actually rewire your brain to think more positively. Definitely worth a try.
The best way to stop being miserable is to see other people more miserable than you...and help them. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen or similar. You will count your blessings soon enough. I regularly volunteer to do the final rites of dead people in my community. This includes bathing and prepping the corpse and later burying them. Being around dead people will quickly change your world view.
Just put yourself out there. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you wanna be friends with the “fun” guys go join their group, introduce yourself, say “what’s up”. Don’t put a lot of pressure on it.
The same thing goes for hobbies. I assume you have hobbies and interests? Look up meetups for these things and then, and this is important, go do those things with other people. This is actually an easier avenue than the factory because you’ll already know you have something in common and, fundamentally, peeps love talking about their hobbies. And their hobbies are your hobbies. Jackpot.
But, at the end of the day, if you don’t want to be serious all the time then you just can’t take everything seriously. Being there for your kids? Every fucking time. Someone makes a joke at your expense? Laugh. Was it a good joke? Laugh harder. Who gives a shit.
Probably avoiding alcohol unless in moderation when socializing. I’d suggest meditating as well.
Mirror the profile of actually happy, older people who have lives you would like to have.
Take care of your health, eat well and exercise.
Be successful: you don’t have to be rapacious, but there is a level of financial success and stability that definitely decreases stress and affords more opportunities, like travel and hobbies.
Be social: the happiest people have strong social networks.
Be wise: don’t worry about what you can’t change, but be engaged and try to make the world a better place.
Being cranky takes effort. Easier to float along.
i’d say it gets better but I am 42.
Try to enjoy life a bit. If there is nothing that is currently bringing you that joy, now is the time to experiment a bit.
Yeah I'm 38 and I've noticed the same lately. I occasionally think about death and my own mortality - that one day, like everyone, I'm going to cease to exist. I'm probably half way through life if I'm fortunate. All these factors has lead me to a conclusion that life is to short to be grumpy for no real reason, decide to be happy. I'm working on it, and things are far better this way. I've always been a person who has a smile on their face but that's been changing. People often think or ask, where do I want to be in 5-10 years, I go the opposite. I think of myself on my deathbed and reflect what would I have been satisfied with in life? Pretty weird but is what works for me.
The easiest would just be to die young. Can't be a crotchety old man if you never live to be old!
First & most important, don't compare yourself to other people. Y'all have different life experiences and personalities. Since your prior experences have jaded you, get therapy. It'll give you the tools to understand yourself, your moods, and to manage them.
Till you get therapy sorted
Only 12 years? thems rookie numbers....you gotta pump them up!
(good for you!, sincerely -a 35yr chef going on year 36)
Brother, you might need to just give yourself time.
You mentioned you just got out of 12 years in food service and you’re only 28 years old! Depending on how recent your escape was, you may just need some time to not do food service and you’ll feel yourself start to come out of your shell. My man, you’ve probably been out through the wringer in your past industry. Enjoy your new career and the nice things that are different from the place you left behind.
Beyond that, I’ve always believed that to have fun, people need to feel safe. You have to ask yourself: “am I grumpy because I don’t feel safe/accepted/comfortable in this situation?” By analyzing what’s bothering you, you may be able to eventually push yourself out of your comfort zone and have a playful attitude with others. I think the father in your example story does but feel safe in his own life.
Friendliness covers a multitude of sins, but it takes practice to present yourself in a friendly way.
Therapy and work on trying to build a mentality around just letting things so. Change happens rapidly, people don't like change, just gotta fix that mentality and go with the flow of change instead of always pushing against it. Therapist could help find out the why you're so against changes and help change your perspective on it.
Force yourself to do things you know you normally enjoy, can help break a person out of a "rut".
Best of luck bud.
I kinda wish I knew because it makes me scared for my future. I am trying to not to do old people things and see if that helps.