She scolds me about not buying anything in the bar we hang at

I'm a waitress. As long as you're not making a mess, and you're keeping company with people who are patronizing the establishment, you're fine. You said you're filling your own water bottle? Sounds like you're making no additional work for the service staff, so don't worry about it.

As a person who worked in the industry for a decade, they clearly don't care, or they would have said something. I'd only care if you were starting trouble and that is clearly not the case. Some bars will care about bringing in outside food or drinks, but that's about it.

My honest advice: just order a water from the bar. In most bars (at least in America) the water is free and the bartender will just assume you're the DD, and it might shut your clearly crazy/controlling friend there up.

I would go with something along the lines of: "it's called responsibility, Friend. I have my own finances to consider, and I am not responsible for the bookkeeping of this establishment. There is no drink minimum. Let the bar's business be theirs, mine be mine, and yours be your own."

You're there with a whole group of people who are all spending money, and you're not making any demands of the staff, so I doubt that anyone who works there is upset by it.

It sounds like this lady is just looking for an excuse to be upset about something.

You're not a bum. She's being rude saying so.

The business is there to make money, so naturally they want everybody there to spend money. And businesses have been very successful in making people think they have to justify their presence. It's ok to not have something squeezed out of you just for being there. If it's a problem for the business, let them speak up, but having people try and shame others into doing things they don't want to do is not behavior I would want in my social groups.

It sounds like THEY chose the bar as a meeting place. It's not your fault that's where they chose to associate. Did anyone say, "Let's meet at the bar to hang out, but only those that buy bar stuff?" I doubt it. You shouldn't feel pressured at all. It's her problem. In fact, as far as I'm concerned SHE should be the one to leave if she's uncomfortable. Or here's an idea, she could offer to treat you to some onion rings or something, instead of complaining. If I sensed that someone in my group was not buying at the bar we meet in, every time, I'd start to think that person either had a drinking problem or didn't have the money to buy there. Either way, I wouldn't bring it up. I wouldn't want to embarrass the person. I'd probably just buy an extra large something, or "accidently" order two of something and offer it up to that person.

You’re not doing anything wrong. As far as the name caller is concerned, find a way to respond to her politely yet firmly. Don’t sink to her level, or create reasons for others to criticize your behavior, but don’t take her abuse, either.

Perhaps act surprised if she brings it up again. “I told you that I don’t buy things from bars, and that I’d continue this behavior. What is unclear about that?” You have explained yourself as thoroughly as you need to. Don’t let her put you on the defensive. If she wants to make it an issue, that’s her problem. It’s her turn to explain herself.

You are not doing anything wrong. Bars are overpriced

Tell her to buy you something if she’s uncomfortable lol

On a serious note, are you getting table service or are people going up to the bar and ordering? If table service, I can see why some people might find it awkward, but I don’t think it’s bad to do. If you have to go up to the bar to order, then I don’t even see why she’d think it’s weird.

What a ridiculous thing to start throwing shade about. You're there with a group and the group is spending money. I always see people just having water or soda out with a drinking group. Bars even give that out free sometimes, for a designated driver situation. If anything I would guess she has an insecurity about going out drinking at the bar and needs you to be doing the same or else she thinks it makes her look bad.

I read a couple of answers here, but I thought I'd give my 2 cents anyway. I mostly agree with the others that said it's not a big deal and seems to be a principle of hers.

I saw that you're not from the US. In Germany, there's an unwritten rule that you never bring any kind of food or beverage to a restaurant. We have other fun stuff like most restaurants not giving out free water or charging you for using the toilet if you haven't bought anything.

I could see her being upset with you if you drank your own water and ate your own food in the restaurant. But, again, that's only from my German point of view.

Look, she's obviously being passive aggressive towards you. The guy saying "tell her to buy you something if she's uncomfortable" is spot on. She's trying to shame you over being different, aka tall poppy syndrome. Show some teeth or she will keep pecking at you. Yes, talk it with the group. If everyone agrees with this bitch it's time to find yourself better friends. You shouldn't be providing an excuse for why you don't want to buy or consume something. Maybe you are not hungry, or you don't want to drink alcohol that late on a weekday or maybe you do intermittent fasting- who knows, what gives, wtf. Seriously.

She sounds like a jerk. You sound perfectly normal to me. And having worked in fast food in the past, I can assure you, nobody cares. Now if it's busy and your whole group is taking up table space and not ordering/fine eating, it's polite to leave (especially if it's a sit-down place where they rely on tips), but that's about it.

Just tell her, "I didn't pick the place, you all did. If you'd like me to leave, I will."

You are not doing anything wrong. She is a bitch.

Unless your friend works at this place, or any of the staff confront you on it, you aren't doing anything wrong. The bar appreciates the business from your friends, they aren't going to get tied up in a knot just because someone brought in their own water to drink.

Unruly or entitled behaviour will get your group kicked out, paying customers or not.

If you came there by yourself or with one other person and didn't buy anything, she would probably be right... But if you're in a group, you're fine not to buy anything.

Either way, she's a dick for embarrassing you in front of the rest.

Initially I was kind of on her side but thinking about it I can't really justify it. As long as the establishment is cool with it you're good. If you're bringing your own food in that's a little worse IMO but the main thing is if you're not spending money don't create more work for them. Just occupying a seat at a table with a group who's all buying stuff should be fine.

I don't know your local customs, but I would say it is normal for a large group to have one or two people not buy something, but also normal to enforce a no outside food or drink policy. Personally, I wouldn't feel weird not ordering, but I wouldn't eat or drink outside food or beverage while there.

If someone commented on it I'd just ignore them and if pressed, tell them if the bar has a policy they need to post it. Her getting upset is likely second hand embarrassment due to their own insecurities.

I will go against everyone here. You should buy a drink. Is polite. And it may make your friends bit uncomfortable.

That being said, while it is not a public place, not sure why they would care much considering others are purchasing something. Maybe your group should locate other location.

As far as the staff are concerned If the place is packed then I think it's a tad dickish to repeatedly not get anything. It's there's still lots of free space then it's no big deal.

WRT to your other buddies you are taking a bit of a privilege, if all the other people you were going with were also unwilling to buy anything then you would run into trouble wouldn't you. Pointing out someone isn't buying is imo much much ruder though.

Although personally dropping a fiver every 2 weeks to avoid interpersonal conflict seems like a pretty good deal. Ultimately how your other friends view it and the social standing of the complainer matter a lot. If the hobby has shared supplies I would make extra sure that you are contributing your fair share there.

When I used to play poker at a bar, I always got cokes which were always given to me for free. They never cared, they make money on average behavior, not what one guy does once a week.

Talk to the bartender. If they're fine with it, she has no leg to stand on. If they take issue... well, you have your answer.

Just ask for a glass of mineral water or "free" water with lime or some shit. Also, try to transition to caring less about what peeps say and just be as endearing as you can so nobody gives a shit except those who are jealous and likely trailing in value generation in the context of ur group

No outside food or beverages? She’s just overthinking. If you want to be petty comment that she’s a bad tipper. Go overboard with it as in under $20 bill should be tipping $10 minimum, over $20 should tip in the 50-60% range. It would really get in her head if she’s acting like not consuming is hurtful, actually getting service and not paying a fair tip would be much worse (in her head).

If the bar cared they would say something to you.

It's called a third place, it's a public place where you can just hang out. It should be more normal to just hang out somewhere and not spend a bunch of money. If a group wants everyone to buy something as a customer somewhere everyone should talk about it, if there is any dissent and people don't feel comfortable being somewhere without everyone being a customer then the group should pick somewhere else to be (friends houses on rotation, library spaces, rent a room from a conference center, the park, etc).

I hate feeling pressured to buy things. Like if I wanted that thing, sure I would buy it, but I don't so leave alone and let me save and spend my money and stuff I actually care about.

If you routinely go to the same bar I would try to buy something occasionaly though. Just to support the venue.

Gut shot, I'd say it reads as mooch behavior.

When I was a sophomore in high school, my friends liked to hang out in a place called Coffee Talk.

It was this home that was never demolished in an area that long before was redistricted as industrial.

I'd go along. I had no money.

It was a cool cozy place to be and I enjoyed chilling there with the company of my friends.

They had a little money.

None of us were inclined to caffeine (the thrust of the revenue of a business called Coffee Talk).

Regularly, the crew would file in and would buy a 5 dollar red bull each that usually wasn't even opened, and then chill for HOURS.

I went through similar conversations. Most stressing "I feel the need to buy an extra drink to make up for you being here, and I don't particularly like paying your way."

Coffee Talk wasn't a youth center. It wasn't a YMCA. It was a crew of about 7 working hard to host a cozy chill spot funded by coffee sales with an open mic stage to resist this landmark being demolished and turned into annex parking for one of the neighboring office buildings.

My ass dirtied the seats. I disheveled the board game room many times.

I hadn't yet learned to have the situational awareness to see the difference between hanging at home, or at school, or at Coffee Talk.

A big part of me getting my first job was so I could pick up an "antique" from Coffee Talk for 5 to 12 bucks since I had no desire to purchase a coffee from Coffee Talk, but i wanted to be at Coffee Talk with my friends, and it was a business, not a community center funded as charity by a mysterious benefactor.

So... you can be a mooch, but your group doesn't want to be told to fuck off because they are taking more than they are giving, so you risk getting dropped off the invites.

Some of these comments are way too harsh!

I agree there is nothing wrong with your behavior. I think people are insensitive or just ignorant of others financial situation.

There are a lot of people who can't afford too many unnecessary expenses. Still there are those who never had to think to much about expenses like drinks in a bar or food in a restaurant. They might not even be conscious of the fact that the people around them might have it different.

Then there is the general stigma around money, especially not having any. Many people are actively afraid that others could think they don't have money. Feelings of shame and embarrassment around money are not uncommon. These are strong enough to lead to second hand embarrassment, seeing someone else showing signs of not having money. This can be very uncomfortable for them to experience, especially if they weren't aware of it or don't have much experience with it.

That is why it's nice not to assume that everybody in the group can afford to go to a bar. I know it's not easy to talk about money, but I think it's important to be upfront with your wealthier friends if you can't afford to go to the bar. They might reconsider going to somewhere else or someone's flat instead or just invite you. It shouldn't be upon the less wealthy to do this, but it's an unfortunate reality in most circles I know. The only exceptions are circles where it's common to have no money...

As for the bar and staff: they might talk and joke about it, because it's unusual, but they would be pretty short sighted to mind it. If you come with a group that pays, they make money. You could always leave and find some place that doesn't mind that one of you won't order anything.

You could try a sort of compromise and order a glass of tap water, assuming that it's free in your country of course. That way you order something, but make it clear that you won't spend any money. You are not sneaking in and instead being upfront with the staff.

In any case don't let yourself get bullied into spending money, when you can't or don't want to. I have myself been in the situation often enough that I couldn't really afford such expenses or rather wanted to save my limited money to spend it somewhere else. It's already an uncomfortable place, made harder by situations like that. However, there is nothing wrong with not having a lot of money and being open about it.

Fuck her. They aren’t going to throw you out when the rest are spending. And you’re putting nothing on the staff just sitting at a table in a group. Tell her to stfu and mind her own business.

Name-calling isn't necessary at all, if that's what happening. That said, would you behave this way in a restaurant?

I organise a small group gathering at a local pub sometimes with people who aren't close friends. If it's just one person not buying in a decent sized group, then it doesn't cause a problem for the venue as far as I know. When we're huddled in a corner it's hard to tell who has what drink.

But you simply wouldn't get away with that if it wasn't for the others buying drinks and we do so to "pay the rent" so to speak. So when that happens there is a vibe of "I'm fine with you guys covering me here". Saying "I don't spend money in bars" isn't that different to saying "I let others spend their money at bars".

Now if this was a group of good friends, or someone I knew was struggling financially, I'd be fine with it.

tell them that you're the designated driver and you cant drink - and you want to talk to their manager.

they'll gtfo