Lemmy, how do you deal with heartbreak?

OceanSoap@lemmy.ml to Ask Lemmy@lemmy.world – 175 points –

Finally found the man I thought I would marry, but the breakup came out of nowhere and I'm struggling to cope. What are the ways you've dealt with heartbreak in the past?

75

Time

This is the only real answer here.

Every other answer is in some way just making your perception of time accelerate.

But the only way to process emotional loss, of a close loved one; is with time. That's just the way our brains are wired. We couldn't survive as a species if we didn't get numb to pain and trauma in the past.

Time with no contact. Any contact with the person and you are reopening the wound. Unfollow, block, they don’t exist.

Yes, time. But what do you do while the memories fade and replaced with? Friends, family, work, hobbies. I picked up a guitar after a devastating break-up that ate a lot of that time needed.

Yeah, the trick is to get really engaged into something that you don't have time to think about it.

Ugh, heartache is literally painful. I'm sorry you are going through that.

For me, getting iver someone has been a multi-pronged approach.

  1. Accept that I'm going to feel grief for a while...at least a few months. That's okay and normal. Don't fight it, don't get mad at it. Just notice it and ride it out. Your brain has to severe the neural networks that were dedicated to him, while rebuilding new ones. This is a process that takes a while.

  2. Start connecting with friends that are healthy. They can be a nice source of validation, connection, and support.

  3. Work on a new project to have a focus. This can help in those moments where I'm sitting around ruminating with nothing to do or no desire to do anything. Even if I'm ruminating while doing the project, at least I'll something to show for it when it's over.

  4. Start a new hobby to define myself apart from the relationship. I'm going to be a new person.

  5. When ready, start throwing out all of their stuff. I even get rid of gifts. If it reminds me of then when I look at it, it's gone.

Things will get easier as you stop thinking about them slowly over the next dew weeks to months. Eventually, they become someone that you used to know with no real meaning other than the lessons you learned from that experience.

Not gonna sugarcoat it – this will suck for a long time. For me it was friends, hookups and time that helped.

Friends let me forget for the time we hung out but also listened and just hugged me when I cried.

Hookups (and I realise this sounds vapid as shit) made me feel like I am still wanted and attractive.

Time made the thought of them sting less.

This will smost likely stick with you, but it's going to be okay. It's not going to hurt this badly forever. You will think of it less and less frequently. But you will have that scar. And that's okay, I think.

Having sex with a new partner allows your brain to decouple from someone else. The new neural connections you form with the new partner are literally therapeutic.

I have found it to be the single best way to start moving on from an ended relationship.

I rode my bike in the woods. I would find a nice quiet spot and post up for 10 minutes and smoke a joint and then finish up my ride. If you’re gonna be sad you might as well be sad in nature. It’s therapeutic

Time is unfortunately the best medicine. Just take it one day at a time. Don't stay in contact with them. Reach out to your friends and try to fill your time spending time with them.

Main thing is to keep yourself distracted. The ruminating will come, but right now you need to heal. I wasn't able to clearly reflect on my ex and our relationship for easily over a year or so later.

There's a set of questions an author named Byron Katie wrote about for managing limiting beliefs. First you have to isolate the belief that's causing you pain. Then you ask the following:

1 - Is this belief true?

2 - Can I absolutely know this belief is true?

If you are still saying yes to these you're not ready for 3 and 4.

3 - How do you feel when you believe this? Be sure to go into this really well. I find the more you put into this step the better the results at the last question. So where in your body does the feeling live? What temperature is it? How intense is it out of 10? Is it sharp or dull? Is it dry or wet? Does it change is it constant? Maybe even what color is it? You want to really witness and give credence to this feeling here.

And finally

4 - Who would you be or what would you be doing if you didn't have this belief?

I can guess what answers you'd give here but you know so I don't want to muddy that for you.

Edit: formatting

Treating it like being sick (like a cold) helps me. That way I justify taking it slow. It's something that will pass and it's totally normal to feel really bad. It will probably be better soon but I need a lot of rest/self-care.

Dive into a hobby or passion, or find one. Fitness is a great alternative because it helps rebuild your own self-confidence while giving you an outlet to vent some of your feelings. Try to do something more socially that may transition into making new connections slowly.

Edit: Music is also fantastic for this. Dive into playing an instrument.

I tried to play an instrument, now I want to Kms even more

Why? Just remember: After some time (depending on your instrument, age and talent) you'll suddenly be able to play really good sounding music <3

Tryna deal with it right now, going back to the bar where I met my ex

Will update in like 2 hrs

Edit: litterally forgot. Didn't see him, it was lame anyways

Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Take care of yourself. Eat well and stay hydrated, do whatever exercise and focus on yourself and your goals. Perhaps travel. Live for you and you will find someone else without looking.

This isn't the exact same situation but me and my SO of 8 years broke up in January. It hurt a lot at first but over time I'm happier then i ever thought i would be without her. It's an excellent opportunity to look at yourself with an introspective lens and grow as a person.

That and a lot of anime, video games, working out, magic the gathering, and discovering new hobbies.

Am so sorry to hear about this. Your message makes me wonder about two past relationships

(1) In one I spent years with someone and it actually was a very toxic relationship, but I didn't realize it during the whole time. What happened was that when I got dumped, I thought I'd die and instead I got over it very quickly by noticing how much I'd lost of myself and how I was rediscovering of myself. It turned out I was able to flush it from myself in less that 6 months. It probably also helped I had finally found what I wanted to do for myself

(2) About a year and a half after the previous relationship, I found someone I really wanted to be with and who made it incredibly hard to get together with. I worked so hard and then we got together. After a month together, she cheated on me with my (then) best friend of several years. It took me years to get over this and we'd been together for just a month. Somehow the fact I wasn't able to fully live this relationship hurt me way more than the previous long (but horrible) relationship.

Finding things that you enjoy doing helps a lot, but mainly it's time that heals your wounds.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk

Edit: fixed grammar

Wow my condolences, getting cheated on is awful. And don't feel bad about my situation, it was the best breakup I've ever had. We both had realized beforehand that over the years we were together, the spark had slowly faded. We were so compatible as friends that when we spent time together, it was more like hanging out with a friend than a partner. The breakup itself took almost 3 hours and it was just us reminiscing about all the good times we had and how neither of us were at fault. I hope she finds someone worthy of how great she is, just like i wish the same for myself. It was truly a wholesome time, and now that i know what the real thing feels like, i know I'll find it again some day.

I hope you find that special someone that vibes in the exact same way you vibe, the kind of person that makes your heart excited like a kid getting excited for chicken nuggets.

Thanks for your words! I wish the same to you (your description of excitement is so awesome!)! Hang in there!

What your words triggered in me are fairly old emotions. Those two bad relations happened many years ago and now am I with someone I hope will last (you never know, but fingers crossed)

Went on a hike and just sat and looked over a lake for some time. I then realized I was extremely happy that I got to know her, but also that she told what she felt. I also think I got proud of myself, I never thought I would meet some one at all but now I knew it was possible

It sucks big time for a while, there's no set time for how long. What I can tell you is once some of that fog has cleared and you can focus on yourself, you can learn to fall in love with yourself again. At least for me, I realized I had my positive emotions tied so much into my old relationship that I didn't know how to cope without that relationship there. We definitely had some co-depency issues that were extremely unhealthy, and without all that to distract me, I could finally start working on myself and figuring out who I am. What I want and don't want. It's a long road but if you can focus on self care and improvement, it will make things much easier and more fulfilling in the long run.

Do cool shit, and be awesome. Living well is the best way to get over the life you you wanted but will never be. The one constant in your entire life is you, so the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship you'll ever have.

So take a solo road trip. See that movie in the theater that you heard was great. Treat yourself to a nice dinner at that fusion place you were wanting to check out. Read and learn about the world. Take a class in that language you wanted to learn. Bake yourself fancy treats. Take on a new hobby. Make art.

To be the kind of person others will find awesome, you have to first become that person; in so doing, the pain of losing that ideal life you are mourning will slowly fade. It will never vanish completely, but over time the pain will become minimal, like rediscovering a tiny paper cut on your finger that you'd forgotten about.

I played a lot of halo, smoked a lot of weed, lost a tonne of weight.

tbh wasn't really healthy. the best remedy is getting yourself out there. it's okay to be sad and reclusive for a bit but dont make it permanent

The healthiest way I’ve ever dealt with heartbreak and grief is by putting physical energy into something. Building stone walkway, planting a garden, working out, etc.

Being able to focus on something else will help you from becoming physically and emotionally overwhelmed. Peace, understanding and equilibrium will come with time, the immediate aftermath is the time to move and do something so you don’t get consumed by your feelings.

It’s always okay to cry. People I never thought would understand have supported me.

It's hard to admit, but I'm not healthy in that regard. I postpone the break-up so that time gives an opportunity to fix things, and when that fails I jump into another relationship right away, and not in a "using people to distract me from my pain" way but in a "falling in love with people who show me empathy and care, and who I imagine are a good fit without giving enough time to consider it thoroughly" way. Currently in the first step, waiting, wishing.

I have no advice. I can only say I am sorry you are grieving.

Edit: Grammar.

Old me: bottle of whisky, pint of ice cream, a lot like love/Fools rush in New me: bike/motorcycle ride, cuddly a bunny, hard cry

Everybody deals differently with heartbreaks. But I think what's most important is to take care of yourself and don't let your mind rot in thoughts and sadness. Of course first few days are gonna be though, express your feelings by writing them down, or by songs, art etc but as I said don't hold on to it for too long

Self care, whatever that looks like for you.

It could be treating yourself to a new outfit, spending quality time with a good friend, or more traditional ideas of self care, like healthy meals, exercise, and meditation.

Looking through the stages of grief can be helpful too. Give yourself permission to mourn. And permission to pendulate and use healthy distractions if the feelings get intense.

These are the strategies that work best for me. I also have less healthy coping mechanisms and if that's your goto, harm reduction can be helpful (weed is less destructive than alcohol for me, for example).

Definitely don't do what I do, which is to shut down entirely, pretend it doesn't bother you, and completely close the door on any future relationships until you've gotten so used to being alone that you probably couldn't allow another person in even if you wanted to. Super healthy stuff! Honestly, being able to express that you're sad and hurt is good. It hurts and it can feel unbearable, but it means you're still feeling things. The last time I coped in a healthy way, I wanted to wallow in bed (and I did, some) but I made myself get up and do small things I enjoyed. Nothing big that required a lot of effort, just things like going to get lunch with my mom or taking a walk with a friend. It was distracting enough to ease the pain, and showed that my whole life wasn't over because of a break up. The only other thing that helped was time.

I uh...

I've heard getting absolutely railed helps some people...

Yes, OP. Go forth and embrace the sloot you've sometimes imagined to be. Free yourself.

OK this is gonna be a long one. And it's not even mine. The original point of what I'm about to post was about losing loved ones to death, but in my lowest parts of dealing with my divorce I found these words very helpful. One of the few good things to come out of reddit. Credit to reddit user GSnow. Here goes.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

  • /u/GSnow

Relationships require the attention of your entire body and mind. If you don't find a place or activity to refocus your attention, you're left with a void it once occupied. Take time to appreciate what you had but set a limit for yourself to move on.

Personally, I've always come out of a relationship with a better understanding of myself and more motivation to be a better person. I take what I've learned and direct that towards self improvement, hobbies, new interests.

Lemon Italian Ice helps me feel better when I'm upset about something

As others have said, keep yourself busy or distracted. Try and release the stress you feel through exercise. Avoid using food/alcohol/drugs to cope, as they can easily turn into a crutch and then an addiction.

Talk to a friend or therapist about it! It took me over six months before I really started processing my divorce.

Remember that you are an amazing person. Have love and compassion for yourself. Be patient with yourself.

The actual hurt hurt only seems to lessen with time.

Don't even get in a relationship.

I have to go now crying to sleep from loneliness.

At 40 we turn into wizards, keep the ultimate goal in mind.

Isn't it supposed to be 30?

Nope, at 30 you become some sort of pre stage, but wizardry happens at 40. 30 would be way too easy.

They changed it to 30 just before the medieval age happened, didn't go well, so they fixed it after a couple centuries.

Both my own "method" and a suggestion if I can cut it down to essentials:

Watch yourself closely. Don't fall into more traps. There's a lot of load already and you're not at your best. So don't make it worse. No drugs, alcohol, bad relationships, risks, incel or other insanity etc. Keep a careful and steady life and focus on healing and getting back on your feet as they say. Deal with things as they come. Work on yourself. Do things you care about. Avoid stress and especially anger and hate as much as possible.

When you're feeling stronger again, you might know if and what you want to get into.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t think there is any one way to deal with heartbreak. For me time was the only thing and keeping myself busy with friends and hobbies.

I will say as I’ve gotten older, we are a similar age, that walking and spending time alone in nature makes me happy.

It'll be hard. Just surround yourself with the people who matter most to you. Even if it's mundane things like going to the grocery store together. Try to remind yourself that these feelings are only temporary. Good luck to you, sincerely. I spiraled very hard after my last heartbreak and it ruined my life for a while. Wouldn't wish that on anyone else.

I don't even really remember I think, I don't even really feel like I've "dealt" with it. I'll tell some of my experience but I won't go into too much detail.

For us, we were even talking about marriage, but I did something wrong and I felt helpless after the break up, I couldn't do anything, other problems arouse and I even started planning suicide.

I tried talking to other people, some related to the situation and some not, to get perspective on stuff, I even got a new job, but depression hit me hard once I started, so I quit soon after to get that under control which was fine, my financial situation was good enough to do this at the time.

Eventually I just started thinking about what I wanted in a relationship and somehow I stopped blaming myself, but now I have a anger I don't know how to deal with towards her and her family, we see each other once a week during our martial arts class, and it keeps it kinda fresh on my mind but I love the class so I decided it's worth it.

I'm talking to someone else, not really as a potential romantic partner but someone who I can be good friends with and if it goes that way then it's a plus. I didn't have the biggest friend group before and it got even smaller after the break up, so I'm trying to branch out.

I guess that's how I dealt with it, focused on a hobby, and making new friends, making sure I got to talk it out with various people to make sure I didn't get into an echo chamber (which my brain and family would be a major one)

Great music. It helps to get the feelings out and not feel so alone.

I have a similar situation going on but between siblings. My siblings are ghosting me for issues about me they had been keeping in, which leaves me with no contacts since our last parent has passed away (we're not that old if that helps with context, I'm 24) and I have no nearby friends (solid friends, my chaotic elderly aunts who will all have moved in with me by the end of the month don't count, and neither do coworkers who either don't get along with anyone or in the case of my boss just doesn't click). There are whole days in the past month where I've gone without uttering a single word because there's nobody to communicate with and get something out of. If I were to cry at the end of such a day, it would be the most noise I ever made in a day, which makes it a common thought. And in my exact situation, nothing else, even things that seem like it would help if anything was different, does. I couldn't imagine there being a universal way of dealing with it, but the closest I have to my own equivalent is withdrawal.

I feel you. My ex-fiancee broke up with me on Thanksgiving while we were driving home. it will sting, but you have to accept that it happened first before anything else. You can't control others, so even though it might have come out of nowhere, you can't blame yourself entirely.

Consider and think critically about any reasons they told you to decide if it's something you need change. Think about the relationship itself and if you were content. My ex broke up with me for being unable to constantly mask my autism, seemed to feel bad for it after realizing the same thing, and then truly ended the relationship after I forgot to clean a dish 2 months later. Like yea, I definitely need to be better about remembering to do dishes, but I will never apologize for being autistic. Could you believe that I wasn't content in a relationship where my partner would get upset at me for reasons I don't understand? By the time I moved out of the apartment in March, I was already done grieving. Imo, if someone you thought you could marry breaks up suddenly and with little reason, they were too disrespectful to deserve you.

Finally, after the fallout, you need to rediscover who you are for yourself. You've likely been emotionally reliant on that person, which is ok, but now you need to sort out who you are after growing from that relationship. I've been going for long walks every day, listening to audiobooks. I've been reconnecting with college friends who I lost touch with during the relationship. I chose to treat myself with an expensive gadget. I've been leaning into my activism. You get to choose for you and yourself what to do with your free time, with no reason to coordinate with someone that may be uninterested.

I overcame one of my hardest by doing more for myself, by myself, than I would have with her around. I gave up a lot to be with her, and after the break up, I decided to embrace the circumstances and strive for success despite her. I did it to prove that my life would have ended up worse with her than it turned out to be without her.

I use the Cave Johnson defense.

Are you suggesting that OP should burn their ex's house down? With the lemons? That OP should have their engineers invent a combustible lemon that burns their ex's house down?

I do have access to like 50 engineers, at least one of them would volunteer.

I always wanted a life partner, someone I can share everything with, even back in my early teens. After the two very hard break-ups with my cheating ex girlfriends - one of the two relationships went on for almost a decade too and almost drove me into suicide, or worse - I decided to just not bother with relationships anymore, platonic or romantic. It's like I'm a magnet for abusive people and too gullible to handle them, since despite my jealousy that I kept eating up (which in hindsight was unfortunately always warranted and I should've listened to it) I tried to believe them, not wanting to lose them. So now I make sure I shut myself off from everyone to never fall for anyone ever again. What I can say, despite how much it hurts in the beginning, the pain itself will subside with time, so you should just give yourself that and as much as you need. Distractions can help in the intermediate period, but you will also want to make some room to properly process things. Otherwise it'll haunt you.

Direct my energy and attention to all the me things that got swept aside when I was with them. You have fewer distractions now. Go get those things done you've been putting off!

No clue. Doesn't really seem like there is a definitive solution...

In my experience, it heals with time. Your job is to make that time as tolerable as possible. I've never experienced the kind of heartbreak that lasts potentially several months, but whenever it's happened to me, I just dive into watching a lot of tv series, movies, playing video games. Anything to distract myself from the pain. Eventually you'll start to get some perspective as time passes, and that's the point where you can stop distracting yourself and actually start accepting the situation.

Love, Robot/Paris - Rain

It's a duet. The lead singers of the two bands used to date. They never publicly said this, but I suspect it was about their breakup, and how messy and complicated breaking up with someone you love can be.

Same as I deal with everything. Alcohol. Lots of it.

Listen to sad music, focus on hating myself for failure, self harm, drugs and booze.

Alcohol, food and isolate from everyone. Plus never trusting anyone.