What are the best comebacks for common insults?
Heard a guy respond to another guy calling him a motherfucker with 'yeah, but your mom didn't complain much', so it got me thinking. What are your best comebacks for the common insults you hear from time to time?
One I’ve heard: a guy was giving another guy some shit for drinking a “girly drink”, saying “real men don’t drink those”.
The guy instantly responded, “Real men drink whatever the fuck they want.”
Man. I'm gonna use this one for sure!
It lands best if you order a Cosmo or something equally "girly" coloured right before.
Appletini
Easy on the tini
Lassie, in response to the bestiality rumors circulating about you, I have decided to forgo calling you by the usual girl's name, and instead I am going to refer to you as whatever famous dog I can think of. I have gone with Lassie because of course it satisfies the criteria of being both a girl's and a dog's name, thus helping you to ease into the transition
JD?
Oh man, I haven't had one of those in a hot minute. Guess I know what I'm sipping during the HCS grand finals on Sunday.
Rose wine or one of those raspberry beers don't count?
All the raspberry beers I've had are regular beer coloured honestly, but Rose absolutely gives the right effect.
For girl colored drinks, a Pink Lady is an incredible cocktail for all genders to enjoy, and one I'd recommend if your bartender can actually make it. Best when a bar makes their own grenadine, too.
What is it, your period?
Absolutely! What is more manly than being independent and not giving a damn about what others think!
"I fucked your mom"
Oh, so now you're disappointing other people's parents?
Wow, nice.
If it's someone random, and I haven't said anything to them at all, I'll usually put on a confused face and sign "What?" in ASL. Really takes the piss out of them. The hardest part is keeping a straight face when they try to repeat the insult but louder.
It's also my go-to power move when I'm in a long line or waiting room and someone tries to get chatty. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to take some ASL classes, you definitely should.
I love that this thread is slowly developing into a Monkey Island sword fighting training course.
'you fight like a barmaid!'
You are rubber, I am glue!
Oh yeah? Well... I'm selling these fine leather jackets.
I pull out the "I'm rubber, you're glue". Nobody expects it these days, either that or "Would Mister Rogers approve of your actions?" I've yet to meet someone who doesn't at least pause at that.
I can't pull it off, but "I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling." From Firefly is killer
Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries.
Which, IIRC, insinuated that their mother was a snackish breeder and their father was a gin drunk. (Also, that she was past tense?)
She got better
Might go for a walk!
"How appropriate, you fight like a cow"
That's just like... Your opinion man
You're not wrong Walter, you're just an asshole.
"Well, I guess you're no longer invited to my birthday party."
Said to a random person, it confuses the hell out of them.
If someone calls you a pussy, the best response is "you are what you eat, dick."
The best comeback to an insult in general is:
"Who is this clown?"
Because it not only calls them a clown, but it infers they aren't even popular enough to be a well-known clown.
*implies
Who is this clown?
"No u"
Mirroring works best if you monkey them. Just repeat the exact words just like in an ape voice. A little pantomime helps, too.
Ultimate uno reverse card.
“Sorry, I’m not going to have a battle of wits with someone who is clearly unarmed.”
Ignoring them. Nothing grinds their gears more.
No one insults me, so these aren't field tested.
"Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they're running out of you."
"I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man."
"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
"The ocean called. They're running out of shrimp!"
You are rubber, I am glue.
Don't you have that in reverse? It's supposed to bounce off of you and stick to me, which means you're supposed to be the rubber.
Behind you, a three headed monkey!
Someone asked if I was dropped as a baby due to my performance difficulties and I responded by saying she’d know it would've been worth it if she was ever held.
"I didn't realise the circus was in town!"
"Were your parents siblings, or was it just a lot of head trauma?"
"I'd tell you to read the room, but we both know reading isn't your strong suite."
"What other tricks can you do?"
"keep going with that, it's turning me on"
If someone calls you fat.
Ya I'm fat but I can lose weight. The hell are you going to do with that face.
I've heard this one!
Heard of. Heard of.
How to deal with bullies is actually pretty good advice.
“Don’t get smart with me.”
“I’m beginning to doubt that’s even possible.”
Bonus points if you can say this to a cop.
So?
"I've been called worse by better people".
The best response to every insult is "ok". Say that and walk away.
ignore entirely the context and the insult,"I need you to do two things: Shut up and go away."
Excuse me, did you mean to say that out loud?
and
Insecure much?
I think in general, sometimes a glittering beautiful so sharp it cuts to the bone comeback just comes to mind, and sometimes it doesn't, so it's good to remember that what people say, says more about them personally than the person they are talking about.
If you want my cum back you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth - Jimmy Carr
Sticks and stones can break my bones, But names can never hurt me.
Sticks and stones can break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
You'll either creep them out so they leave you alone, or you find a new friend with benefits.
(throws road name sign)
Generally, “if that’s all you have, you’re going to have to do better.”
You're clearly not burdened by an abundance of education.
"You're disappointing."
And walk away. You have to sell the don't care attitude though. If you blush or something then this won't work.
Just call them a wet wipe and leave
I know you am, but what am I?
I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you
Miss me with this pussy shit, bitches!
You need to punch up your comeback game? I gotchu!
Someone called you a motherfucker? "I found out yo momma so UGLEE her blowjobs count as anal. And she LOOOVES giving me "anal"."
Someone called you a rebel without a cause? "At least I'm not a faggot without a dick."
Some comebacks that work for almost anything:
Did you think of that YOURSELF, Einstein?
You're dumber than you look.
You're not the brightest bulb in the pack, are you?
You're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?
Did your mommy tell you to say that?
Are you always an asshole or only on Fridays?
Are you sure you know what all those words mean?
I’ve been called worse by better.
You go out in public with that face?
Your village called – they want their idiot back.
You’ll never be the man your mom is.
Which circus did you escape from?
Which zoo did you escape from?
Which ape cage did you escape from?
Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
Grab a straw, because you suck.
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain.
If you were a spice, you’d be flour.
It’d be awesome if you used glue instead of Chapstick.