What is an event that altered you in some way?

cashmaggot@piefed.social to Asklemmy@lemmy.ml – 104 points –

For better or worse. Small scale or large. Personal or shared. What is an event you've experienced that changed the way you act, live, feel, etc. It could be short-term or long. Share what you feel comfortable with. Triumphs and tragedies alike.

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Must've been around 13-15, went to a pizza hut with my then girlfriend. I saw a darker skinner, heavy-set lady walking over to the counter with her two kids, all of them looking a little dishevelled. Without thinking I said "She looks poor" in probably a demeaning manner to my girlfriend, and she answered "you say that like it's her fault".

I'm dumb as fuck so the penny didn't drop until several years later about the reality of my privilege, and how unfair and fucked up the system really is. Nearly ended up alt-right, now I'm a comrade.

Gunna sneak in here, because I clearly don't know when to quit - and say the funniest thing is that up until like...now - where middle class folks are seemingly just as heavy as impoverished folks - I think the reason why so many poor folk were always so heavy is because you literally never get real food. All of it's some processed super high-salt slop that you can't really run off of. And when you're hungry - you don't really run well. And it feels like you're really eating food, but you sure as hell never are. Outside of like...holidays maybe. But even then - it's a lot of canned shit. It's why I am a huge proponent of the "immigrant/fob" diet. Of like - eating simple homecooked meals. Like rice and beans all the way, add a veggie and you're clutch - and an apple for desert? Choice! But yeah, everyone I grew up around was fatter than shit. And it's cause not a soul ever was eating food. And the produce we could get could fit in a deli shelf. And I think about it so often, like - how the fuck does America get away throwing away so much actual food (worked at grocery stores before and we trash a shitton of food) - but we can't be bothered to give real food to a large percentage of our population? It's fucking naners. I bet you this event meant nothing at the time, but floated up like cream when you needed it - and it's funny how stuff works like that retroactively teaching you lessons. Hahahaha! You got this king of kings!

At the time it felt like I should be learning something but I just felt a bit ashamed, being nagged and all. Yk the saying, wisdom was chasing me but I was faster. Just needed my knees and back to ache for it to catch up. It honestly wasn't even age that got it to land. I just met people that didn't really go to the same places I did, or had a different idea of a hangout spot. I needed to see stuff with my own eyes to learn.

I'm slowly making my way through leftist theory, and introducing my equally-as-privileged friends into it, and have managed to change some of their beliefs which previously were set in stone. They're still liberal as shit, but at least now understand socialism/communism isn't just people trying to take their stuff.

Yo! You're the resistor person, hey! Hahahaha!

I used to be so excited for the internet. I thought we were building towards something grand. And I mean, the internet is super cool - I have no clue where you are, but I know you're not around me. And it's cool as hell I can say - HEY RESISTOR PERSON! But the echo-chamber stuff is scary business. The slimy entrepreneurial aspects freak me out too. I've also been wrestling with my own politics as a whole. I am for sure in one of the most liberal spaces in the world (not born and raised, perhaps more so siren songed) and to be absolutely honest I am not in love. There's some aspects that are cool, but socially? I am a butterfly, here? Eh. I love my partner though, so I stay. But 10/10 not my favorite place by half. Which has me wondering - I am liberal most def. But I don't believe I am liberal enough for this place. Which sounds freakin' bananas because you'd imagine a queer little mixed one like me would be doing great out here. But it all seems so performative to be honest. Like if virtual signaling was the thing that got people off. Idk.

Which is where I am fucked up, cause it's got my head a certain way. But I also am by 0 means conservative. Just has me a certain way that makes you stand back, tilt your head to your side with your arms crossed and have a solid "huh" kinda think.

Also - propaganda is so strong that things that got circled around generations ago is still making the rounds! Look at how media is mind control =P! Also it takes me a hundred years to arrive to anything. The fact that you got it at all, when you're living in a majority conservative space is huge. Because it's really easy for people to follow "the leader" (being the majority here) instead of sticking their neck out for what they believe in. So kudos, you and yours are probably a bastion of hope in a smattering of hate =P!

It was during "outdoor school," a week long thing you did in sixth grade (age 12) at my school. You stayed in these really cool cabins that were like 100 years old and spent the week learning about nature. It was fun. Very classic summer camp type of environment.

Also, other schools from the area did it at the same time, so there were a bunch of unfamiliar kids there. Two of the kids in my cabin were from another school, and they perfectly fit the stereotype of "edgy, bad 90s kid." Super baggy JNCO jeans, spiked hair with a ton of gel, etc. If you don't know who I'm talking about, watch any teen show from the 90s. They're in it. Oh, and they said everything was lame. And gay. The cabins were gay, nature was gay, the camp was gay, your glasses were gay. You were definitely gay. That's why you thought outdoor school was fun: because you were gay. The JNCO jeans kids were way too cool for outdoor school.

I should mention that I was a huge nerd. I mean, I still am, but I was, too. JNCO jeans kids were way cooler than me.

For the whole week, we kept hearing about "the night hike," which was when you would go on a hike, by yourself, in the dark. The camp really played up the night hike, like it was going to be this big coming of age moment for us. You need to be responsible on The Night Hike. You need to stay sharp on The Night Hike. You'll be a man after The Night Hike.

On the last day, it's time for the night hike. Each cabin walked as a group up a hill. At the top, you would then walk back down a trail on the other side of the hill, one person at a time, waiting about a minute after the previous person had gone. I happened to be after the two JNCO jeans kids. (Yes, the night hike was gay.)

When it's my turn to walk down, I realize that this much-hyped coming of age moment is going to be...no big deal whatsoever. The trail is a very gradual slope with a few turns. It's paved, for Pete's sake. You could even see the lights from the cabins after the second turn. And the moon was bright enough that I wouldn't even need my flashlight. This pivotal moment wasn't going to be pivotal at all.

After less than a minute, I heard someone on the trail in front of me say, "H-hey, who's there?" It's one of the JNCO jeans kids. He's just kind of standing there on the trail. He didn't get very far.

"Um, it's Tucker, from the cabin," I said.

"Oh, cool," he replied. "Um, I guess you're walking faster than me." He said that like I had caught up to him, which I guess is easy to do when the other person is frozen. "Want to walk down together?" His tone was way different from what it had been the rest of the week.

"Sure," I said.

I don't remember what we talked about. Probably what school we went to and that kind of thing. The whole walk only took about five minutes total, so it's not like we talked about much. But I remember thinking to myself, "The guy that talked tough this whole week...it's because he wasn't."

So yeah, The Night Hike. Ended up learning a thing.

I had two interactions with the same type of realization as a kid.

One of them was the tough and sort of school bully, who one day during the days of yule preparation at school went up to me and tried to probe me on how difficult making candles was because it was gonna be his turn soon.

The second one is more similar to yours. Summer camp thing. One guy I was in the same class as in school was playing tough during the camp. Did not interact a lot with him then, just noticed it, like he did not need a teddy or stuff like the other kids brought. Then we are back at school, after camp, he is not back. I hear from somewhere that he got severly home sick during camp, and had a hard time processing it. Later he did show up to school again, with his mom dropping him off. It was horrible. She tried to leave and he just cried and screamed. I think they tried it a few times more, but he just sat in a corner crying. A year or so later I see him back at school again, retaking that year.

I've always laughed at how people can buy cool. This was a great story to read though. I'm not sure how dark it was outside, but the first time I ever entered relative outdoor darkness it was off-putting for me. Maybe that's what happened. But it also shows how powerful the imagination can be, when the brain bin shuts down and adrenaline takes the reins.

When I gave up alcohol. Everything got better, although it got real. Learning how to live my life sober was much harder than just putting down the drink. Thank goodness I asked for help.

This is huge, and congratulations. I was talking earlier with my partner about how addiction is a social disease. And how drinking seems like this coming of age event that's intertwined with fun and sex. But there's a lot of people who never can walk away from that space and it's just killing people.

Also people don't see how damaging it is as compared to other addictions. But I legit had a friend who had to move away and live out of a shelter because the drinking was killing them. And they're working two jobs just to make the cut, but they're so much happier and healthier now than they were when they were in active addiction.

I'm glad you got the help you needed and I hope it stays that way. You got this!

Thanks. Will be 15 years in a few days. Living an amazing life now.

Living through the AIDS epidemic. Watching our government in the US just ignore it like it wasn't happening. Listening to all the misinformation because no one really knew what it was. Losing so many friends because people had no idea they had it and there was no help. And when the US government (fuck you reagan) finally did step up (only because Rock Hudson was a dear friend of his), did we actually get any help for people.

And then... in 2020 Covid happened, and another GOP idiot claimed nothing was wrong, even though the whole planet was shutting down. And it would just go away, “It’s going to disappear. One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.” We need adults in government. Not these people trying to make wearing a mask, in 2024, illegal.

I learned that republicans would rather let you die before helping anyone. And we as citizens need to shove back really hard if we want to live in an amazing country that cares for it's residents, not just the ones with money either.

Avian flu is here now and it's been a slow trickle of information. They are giving flu shoys to dairy farmers so that's a start.

Ah jeez, I missed this one. And I was just talking the other day how important it is that folks like you tell your story. I am not sure if you are an ally, a sister, a mister, or someone in between but hearing stories from the epidemic are just heart breaking. I was told nobody wanted to be around the sick, and that it was up to the community to bury their own. Because when it was found out about their lifestyle that they would be disowned by their families. A lovely man told me the worst week was three burials at once. And that everyone was terrified because nobody knew exactly what was going on, but that it was spreading like wildfire through out the community. But also when I thnk about the way we had to hide, and I mean HIDE at the time. Like there was almost nowhere to go to even get a chance to be yourself. Breaks my heart.

Also Republican politicians are swine. And some Republicans are fuck-scums. But I think there are a portion of them that are people who have been brain-drained by the politicians and are actually just scared and messed up. I talked with someone her about this the other day though. The idea of diversifying say...taxes. I am not sure how it will go, because the rich will just leave. In that sense, doesn't the money go with them?

I am not sure what the proper solution is ultimately, but I do know the whole system is fucked.

I'm gunna go gay it up with my gal, gay it up so hard - just to put a little Pride into the air =)

I had a wife die from lung cancer over a ~nine month period. Cared for her etc as best I could. When they die, some part of you goes with them. I'm still alive, but not entirely. That was ten plus years ago now and I've remarried etc since, but I've taken some damage.

Yo, jesus christ. I missed this. Big apologies. I mean it's not like...you know - my job to respond to people. But I love communicating with folks and I wanna send some kind of thank you for people who share. Cause it's ballsy, you know? It's a lot easier to not interact.

Either way, I think yours got lost in the sea of messages. But I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found happiness(ish?) in the end. I haven't seen it much in life, but I have met a couple of men who have lost their wives to something out of their control. The one who left the biggest impression on me was a man who lost his wife to diabetes. He said she weighed absolutely nothing in the end, and that he could just hold her in his arms as such. And he was sweet, in the sense that he was an open communicator. But there was definetely something broken in his spirit, and something that left him wandering. Like an endless restlessness. His eyes were sharp, his voice was clear - he advised me to take care of my health because it can go faster than you think. He was probably in his mid-40s then and I hope he's found happiness since.

And like I said, hope you have too.

several years ago main road on my way to work was closed for a month. alternative routes was bad and worse, so i reluctantly ditched car and tried cycling instead because cycling route was okay, hoping i will somehow handle that one month.

quickly realized i'm rather enjoying cycling, month passed and i didn't event thought about getting back in a car. i'm cycling ever since. commuting to and from work, cycling recreatively, doing 100km rides all around the area and the country, joined a club, enjoying every bit of cycling which makes me happy.

the road maintenance overall changed me, led me to find something that fullfills me, breaks down the stress, make me happy, change my mindset and made me be more active.

In some countries people are paid to not use a car and commute with bicycle instead. That allows you to get a really nice bicycle for free.

which countries are they? I guess somewhere in Europe?

In my country which is fairly progressing, (and I presume most South East Asia countries at least), the infrastructure are not conducive to riders or even pedestrians. Roads are build with no pavement for people to walk by, even in residential areas. The bicycle lane are pathetically small and narrowly designed that riders have to dangerously share the small strips of lane with other vehicles. People will use car even when going to shops that will only take 5 minutes walk.

They want to reduce the cost of constructions, I guess. But I wonder how much the country can save in the healhcare system by providing good infrastructure resulting in health-minded citizens that prefer to walk and ride.

That's alien to me!

I'm pretty sure it was Southern Belgium, northern France or Luxumburg.

This is huge! I bet you it felt like 1m bucks! You've probably extended your lifetime by quite a bit, but you clearly are more fulfilled as a whole which is a big piece of the puzzle =)

My birth was a pretty big event that changed my life drastically. I wish it never happened..

Depression is a bitch. I hope you can find some reprieve in other pleasures than imagining not existing somewhere down the line. I have a friend who got shocks and is much happier since. If you have the resources, and many other things failed to help - you might want to look into ECT. But also, yet again - not a doctor. Just saying I saw it actually help someone who had a lot of trouble existing. But also, there are a thousand different constructive roads to take ahead of that point. GL!

Thanks for the info, I'll keep this in mind. Also, I'm glad to hear your friend got better.

Yeah, no worries! I know it sounds freakin' scary because it's like they used to do it in nut houses and torture people with it. But it's way different now than it used to be. They said it does cause memory issues. So I will warn that. But overall way happier, I think because it zaps out all the stuff that's been holding you down. I mean - I'm no doctor and I am just reporting on what I heard. But I hadn't ever even heard about it being used and when I looked into it I was surprised it is in fact a valid treatment for depression.

TMS may be lighter and an easier step to take first than ECT.

I'll give you the incredibly brief version.

When I was seven my mom kidnapped me.

I managed to get a hold of my dad 6 years later, but nothing bad ever happened to her because of it.

Following that, my mom and stepdad essentially locked me in my room from the time I was 16 until I graduated high school about 2 months after I turned 17.

I was the valedictorian, a year ahead of my class. Kind of neat huh?

Only, my stepdad would occasionally come in and just attack me. I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown.

Then I would come in, be fed, and then have to do more school work.

I lost all of my friends. I lost all of my self esteem. The day after I graduated, I left with my dad, who was not aware of this because my mom lied to him about it.

I was pretty wrecked and my dad didn't know how to cope with that so he gave me a truck and sent me back after about 5 or 6 months, and not having anywhere else to go I moved back in with my mom.

Literally a month later my stepdad tried to pull some shit and told me if I didn't go to work when they were leaving that I should pack up my stuff and not be there when they get back, so I packed up my stuff end of the truck my dad gave me and left.

I was homeless for about 2 years couch surfing with friends and trying to get my shit together and I was reaching out to God for help.

And on the first real date of my life I went out with this girl, we saw a movie, we got high we came back to my room at my friend's house and had sex.

And it was not very good all the way around, but then after I took her home and dropped her off it was like the scales fell off of my eyes, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me hard in the heart, and I became aware of all of the sins I had committed in my life. All of my failings. All the things that were wrong with me.

And I was so broken I couldn't even cry, honestly I may have actually cried once or twice since then.

I was devastated.

And it's like, all the things that I thought I would be when I grew up went away. I could deal with the shit my mom and my stepdad pulled and I could deal with not being understood because I had a destiny and I had a dream and I was going to make it, and then I found out I was just a piece of shit, a crappy worthless human being whom, if I had never been born, the world would be a better place.

And there's a lot I'm leaving out but yeah, from that I started trying to rehabilitate myself. I've gone from being a worthless piece of shit to being useful fertilizer I guess.

I still have a long way to go and I don't know if I'll make it.

I am very sorry to hear that happened to you.

I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown

Nazi concentration camp guards used to torture prisoners by doing this to them. Many of those subjected to this committed suicide by running into the electric fences or charging the armed guards.

I clearly remember there was one time when I had a pickaxe in my hand and I was digging up a tree stump for punishment over something and I asked my stepdad if I could get the pickaxe sharpened to make my job easier and he said no.

And then he turned and walked away and clear as a flash of lightning I knew in that one moment that all I had to do was use this inordinate amount of strength that I had and take that pickaxe and drive it through his skull and this current misery that I am in would end.

And I'm glad that I didn't do it, but sometimes when I'm perseverating I think about that moment.

Isn't it fucked up how much life can crush you when you have absolutely zero agency you can flex. Have you heard about Open Path yet? Cause you can give it a look and see if you vibe with anyone. You might be able to find someone that can assist you on your journey of healing. There's also some kind of really solid freebie group therapy system online. But I absolutely do not have the name. Someone else might. It's like a series of groups you can grow including domestic violence and complex ptsd. The only thing I want to say is be careful around substances, because it's really easy to fall into them but you never fall out even if you step back from them. And the way street drugs are nowadays you're never getting what you think you are. Also, I don't know what gender or age you are specifically - but I do know that a lot of young hurt men can be at higher risk for self harm. So if you notice anything creeping into your system, try your best to reach out for help. Even if you don't say it, just crowd your time with others and it'll pass. Either way, what I did with the things I strongly disagreed with between my folks was I just attempted (and still do) to do the opposite of the thing I disliked. Step-parents can be real pieces of shit, because what skin do they have in the game? At least, if they don't want to. You're just free-labor. I watched my younger sibling become that to a certain someone in my life, and to this day I don't know how a grown ass adult can be so stupid to lord over a kid like that.

Just try and stay strong, utilize any services you can - no shame. Break down big goals into smaller achievable actions. And if you are disabled in any sort of way, know there's also services that can assist you through getting...assistance =P! Also no shame in temp agencies, if you have the means to get around. Lastly, all things can be replaced or live on in your head. But you cannot be replaced. So no matter what you lose, it's all just stuff. I've lost so much crap over the span of my life. I don't care anymore. I pack light, live light - and actually feel wealthier for it - because I can move at the drop of a dime if I want and I don't feel bogged down by THINGS! Which is a blessing in these modern times. Sometimes I get sad about some of the things I've lost. But I made a conscious decision to keep a small assembly of things that are meaningful to me that I can slide into a backpack and don't take up too much space. And you might want to put something together like that too. Because it's really nice to go back and see decades of stuff from people I love who may or may not exist anymore or little magpie things from events.

Oh, one last thing. Backsliding hurts, but as long as you keep going you can make it through. But also make sure you do nice things to restore your energy cause it fucking sucks to get dragged for so long only to get dragged again. It makes you want to give up and sink. But it's worth the fight, trust. And if you're younger than thirty - things get so much better in your thirties. Idk? Because I sure as shit am not in that much a different space than in my twenties. But I for sure feel better as a whole. Even though my body is in a constant battle to crush me. Which, btw - please address your pain as best as you can because this shit will kill you one way or another and I don't think I would ever be as sick as I was had I not been picking up stress without putting other bits down. So GL, GJ - You got this! Keep going!

*p.s. - Moms don't get in trouble for kidnapping I don't think. But also I heard that most amber alerts are due to a parent kidnapping their own kid most times. But all kidnapping situations are totally shit - and I wish they didn't exist on the real.

I'm not who you were talking to, but thank you for this comment. You're so very kind and it's beautiful. You've helped me and I appreciate you so much. You totally rock! 💖

Zoop <3~!! I am just passing on the love given to me by many kind folk. Big love =)~

@bizarroland @cashmaggot Hey, I don't know what this will mean to you coming from a complete stranger. You've clearly never had a mom, though, or a dad, so let me share with you what they never did.

You are not your past. You are not your things. You are not your circumstances. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.

Those experiences don't have to define you. No one else is allowed to tell you what your worth is or who you'll be. The person you were yesterday is dead, and the person you are tomorrow doesn't exist. There is only today, there is only ever today. So somewhere inside of you, I want you to think really hard about who that person is, who you are. If you don't like what you see, that's okay. I think we've all been there. What's important is that you decide what matters to you, what your values are, what your worth is, who you're going to be, and then you live it. It takes time and practice, but what doesn't? Who was born knowing how to ride a bike, or swim, or count to a million, or anything else? Just work on it, every single day, and you'll make it.

Big love, you love bug <3!!!

I ended up restoring my relationship with one of my parents, which has been nice because I'm a goober and I love a good phone call. And while I've put a buhjillion miles between my birthplace and my current spot - I do like talking with those I reconnected with. But also, my partner lacks a family. Which makes us substantially weaker as a whole against the support network of others. Which is rough, to be honest. But she always says we're like monkeys helping one another up the tree. And to be perfectly honest I love her to death, even if she drives me batty-bonkers.

I agree with you though. Although I will say I am a heavy reminiscer, and have battled this mental math of existence only being this moment (be here now). But I sometimes think of it as a super power, because I can recall things that most forget and can give play by plays. And while I know memories can be faulty, I like that there's some part of my brain that likes to record things. Because it makes for great fodder for better or worse with creative endeavors =P!

Big hugs, big love! Keep sharing the good stuff and keeping people afloat!

I imagine you are hard on yourself all the time. The people who should've been there for you unconditionally taught you that you're never good enough.

I'm convinced we are all fundamentally equal because of our soul, so trying to prove yourself is sort of a silly excercise.

What you mentioned about scales falling off reminded me of mindfulness. You wake up and you go like wtf am I doing?

When I was in my 20's, I always gave 200% at the jobs I worked at. I was young and naive and believed I would eventually be rewarded for all the hard work I put in, even on weekends and night shifts.

Then I got burnout, because I was working at a pace my body just couldn't sustain anymore.

It changed my life drastically. I learned to value my health and free time and to prioritize that over the needs of my employer. I learned that hard work doesn't neccessarily bring you any benefits, it mostly benefits your employer. I also learned that nobody cares when your health is fucked up - for your employer, you're just a cog in the machine that can be replaced.

Nowadays I only work four days a week and I don't give a shit about what happens on Fridays anymore. Server is down? Not my problem, get someone else to fix it.

I also learned to stand up for myself. I'm not getting paid like a monkey anymore and if you promise me a raise and then pretend like that never happened afterwards, you'll have my resignation on your desk, printed out by the company printer right in front of you.

if you promise me a raise and then pretend like that never happened afterwards, you'll have my resignation on your desk

If only it was that easy for some of us to leave... That's awesome for you to be in such a position of sway!

Leaving aside the low hanging fruit that is my gender surgeries, the real answer is probably the covid pandemic.

I've been pretty resilient most of my life, but I kinda fell apart when covid took away all of my social connections and coping mechanisms. It was the lowest I've ever been.

Big sads, do you feel like you gained your network back? Or is it still limping since pre-Covid days? Also, if you believe in these concepts and feel like sharing - do you consider yourself more of an introvert or an extrovert?

Also as a whole, have you found that your social network differs wildly from cis individuals? By that I mean, when I came out I lost a significant chunk of my own. And in living most of what I have now is either reclaimed (reunited in time) or self-gathered (found-family).

Big love, soul sister!

I'm a raging extrovert, and aside from workmates, I don't think I have any cishet people in my regular circles.

I've got social circles again now, post covid, but they're not the same as they were before covid. The local queer community used to have lots of events, and that used to be my connection to queer folks closer to my age, but a lot of that has dried up and then restarted, but now with a younger focus. And whilst I'm happy to be the elder queer who transitioned ages ago, it's not so great for connecting with folk of my own generation.

But I still have lots of friends from then.

I used to play roller derby, and that's gone from my life now (too old to start again), but I still love my running, and I'm a parkrun regular, which brings me around lots of people every week.

Work also gives me a lot of my extrovert social outlet needs :)

Haha! I realized I forgot to see if you had responded or not. Sneaking back. Sneakily. I'm glad you got the lot back, even if the faces have changed. Queers of all ages need assistance, flowing up and down - because it's not like we work with a solid roadmap. We're just like...really, really good improvisers =P!

Yoooo, to hard - you go so damn hard! Hahaha! You're a roller-derbier? My rail thin ex would play, she got into it after that one movie with Elliot Page. Even though we're worlds apart it's comforting to know she's out there kicking people's asses (and could kick mine, if she needed). You guys are pretty much the coolest, hardest women alive. So kudos. Also on the park running. My partner just keeps moving us to more and more rural spaces. I think it's driving me batty, but I love her like business. NGL though, I keep nudging her back towards the cities. Cause mama need that social cheese! But I am thankful I've got a handful of love bugs that I hope to carry with me for the rest of my time on this planet that keep me a float with all their loving.

It's funny though, between you me (and the world I guess...hi!) I would have hands-down classified myself as an extrovert. A ravenous one as well. But to be honest, I spent the first x-odd years of my life not saying a thing. Then when I came out, people said I'd never get gals if I didn't open my mouth. And so I freakin' sang. I'm still a total cheese, but things have changed as I've gotten older. I've been thinking about classifying myself as a social introvert instead. But also, and this is the part that still kinda smarts, I've been battling a shitty-kake of thing that has really affected my energy levels. Like, you wake up and you never know what level your pain is going to be at or if your body is going to co-operate or not. And it's really affected the way I interact with others on the whole, because it takes so much more effort to reach that base "me." But before? I was a tour-de-force. Which kinda is what makes things stink. But I also have been practicing some big-time radical acceptance and haven't been peeling off my face for stuff that's outta my control you know? Like, it is what it is. And that helps with a lot of things.

But also, I guess on the cheekier side of things (muwhaha) I get some smiles over the fact that I got to live my big queerventure and have gotten to love so many fantastic people and hear their stories and share moments with them. And like, a lot of people don't even get a taste of that. So I am really thankful for that, and in that sense it really puts a smile on my face no matter what happens in the end. I mean, also I've got a gal who loves me, and is sticking with me through all this crunchy shit. So that's cool too =)!

p.s. - Big love soul sister <3~!

It takes a few years to really reinvent yourself after a major social inversion. I did okay after ~5 years even with near total isolation. Daily exercise is absolutely vital for the endorphin balance.

That was part of my trouble. I love running, and I got pneumonia (but not covid) right at the beginning of the pandemic, and it took me about a year to recover from that. On top of that, I would regularly run parkrun, and play roller derby, but they both got shut down too.

All coping mechanisms that I lost access to...

It's all back now, and even though fitness wise, I'm not back where I was, I'm getting closer every day

When I was a teen, the girl that I loved with all my heart told me that my behaviours were (emotionally and psychologically) hurting her. I shouldn't have needed to be told, but I'm thankful that I was. Lots of therapy and introspection to get myself away from being that kind of person, and onto a better path. I learned to take responsibility and accountability for my actions, and to bring open and honest communication to the forefront of any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for the harm I caused her, or if I should. All I can do is ensure that I am never again that version of myself.

Hey, on the plus side - you heard an honest complaint and did your best to fix up what you agreed with. That's more than most. But also, time heals (most) wounds, and in that sense I hope that things have patched up on her end. It was probably something both of you got to learn from, and it's big you did. Especially the power of communication - which absolutely should sit hellllaaaaaaaaa front seat. GJ! You dun-did good =)

I spontaneously decided to get an unusual body mod in 2017. Seven years later, absolutely zero regrets. It's one of the things that eventually pushed me into becoming a sideshow performer and I've met so many wonderful people and am surrounded by a community of weirdos and freaks that I call family.

Which body mod?

Split tongue

Hahaha! Knew it was split-tongue before you said it. I said, this witchy human either went with horns or split tongue but one of these things are bumps, and the other is a split-freakin' tongue! What method did you go through to get it? My ex, who was a tattoo artist split hers a hundred years before with a spool of thread. And when it started to heal a hundred years later I was given my own front-row seat to an Ichi the Killer moment. Which wasn't all that fun, but definitely sits in my head as one of the more fucked up things I've ever witness first-hand. But yeah, she could move things independently and that always freaked people out. But I am such a weirdo, it just idk. I just literally didn't give a shit for or against. It was just her, and that's just how things were. People always wanna make pussy jokes (or head jokes, whatever) but like I literally could not give a shit either way -because that's her body and her choice and you know more power to her doing whatever she wants with her body.

I am glad you found yourself though. I think most performers of your nature gain a true freedom that most dream of. At least every fire twirler I've ever met are quite happy, open, and insanely supportive individuals so big ups and big love <3~!

I went with cut and suture and am very happy with my results. No nerve damage, barely any blood, healing sucked but that's expected. The cut isn't the deepest but I still have enough dexterity to do my signature trick

Holding a torch with my tongue

And yes, you're absolutely correct that the first thing anyone asks me about is sex. But that's nowhere near my top reasons for it, I have virtually no libido.

You chose the safe method. And got to practice Buddhism all at once =P! My gal's healed up after a while, as I said, I wonder if you'll have to redo it down the road. No harm, no foul though - I mean you do what you go to do to stay happy. I got a septum (among others, but a lot had to be taken out over time) and it's pretty much a 24/7 fidget spinner for me. I can't even imagine the joy of having a built in one would be. But that's my head, hahaha!

You look like you're living your best life though. I swear to god, when you play with fire you're just an overall happier person =P! But also these scenes typically have a certain vibe of love an compassion. One of my performer friends passed unfortunately a couple of years back. And they held a fire-ceremony for him. Was beautiful, but it really speaks levels on how loving these spaces are.

Also, I swear to god if you're unconventional in any way - all roads lead to sex. Tig Notaro did a joke about it a hundred years ago and as someone with no filter I always pray I don't crunch up anyone's toes too badly. But thankfully, I also try not to be an asshole in my day to day >.>!!!! GJ sis!

I try to exercise it but do want to resplit some of the scar tissue in the future. Not in any rush though since healing does majorly suck. Septum piercings rock, I love mine

It is truly sad when a sideshow performer passes. So many of us are estranged from our parents (usually because we're queer and have problematic parents) that we turn to rely on each other like family. I guess you have to have that innate level of love and trust when everything you do is so dangerous. I thank my safety after every single act, even though he's seen me do it a million times.

I think the thing that really broke me about him is that he was estranged from his family but he had this beautiful light. He was a lovely man, and he spread love where ever he went. I just don't think he was created for traditional living. He found someone he was setting up roots with though, and while I can't say for sure what the future held it sounded like he was working towards some stability. He was actually killed by a professional fuck face, who continued to be a fuck-face until he was put behind bars. The very essence of a person who does not enjoy living, and recklessly was taking down others with their apathy.

Aww man, at one point I had 21 holes in my head, if you catch my drift hahaha! I had to get some removed and had to take out the others after I got sick. Cause of the diagnostic machines and what not. But also, I personally get so tired of having to pop them in and out and in and out. My gal cut out a quarter of them, which was something else. Nothing says I love you like someone scalpelling your face. Now I am down to four, and really only care about the septum. Eh. One thing I can say about it is them muffergers over on Reddit hate them shiz @_@!!! But like, really it's one of the more enjoyable (actually enjoyable) piercings because it's endlessly fun to play with.

I once had a big brave fully tatted up boy tell me performances are always terror inducing going in because your nerves are pretty much out of your control and the only thing that can help you is practice and a good solid yawn prior to stepping out. I'm glad you've got a goodun' looking out for you though. And that you seem to have a solid head about the whole thing.

Big love and super big hugs sis! Yo~!

I went to my home town from across the country when my grandmother died, I was sleeping on the couch and my mom woke up early and was reading the newspaper close by and saw I wasn't breathing much.

She said I should go to the doctor, a month later I had a CPAP and had my first restful sleep of my entire life, somehow I survived having a brain that doesn't tell my lungs to breathe all the time while asleep.

I was practically a new person, it took some years for my brain to bounce back with regards to memory and clear thinking but I'm as normal as can be now.

I can't get my partner, who has a congenital condition, to get on one. She's fit af, but she still has issues with the idea. Any sneak-pete knowledge you've got that I could pass on like found-knowledge that might persuade her? I guess ultimately - it's her choice (which kills me but it is what it is). But she really does stop actually breathing as she sleeps. And it freakin' sucks.

Negative experience: got half my face ripped off by a dog as a kid. I'm scared of almost all dogs now and I panic around heelers.

Positive experience: going to college. I'm considerably successful because I decided to go on a whim lol.

Hope you're doing okay and face is healed up as much as you want it to be. Tbh, dogs freak me out too. Which is a shame, because I dig them in theory. But in actuality, I am not really here for two of the major pets of this world. Which is a shit situation to be in, and I can't even imagine how shit it must be now that everyone's out here taking their dogs around everywhere. I hope you've got some solid help =/!

Get that college money =)! It's big. You know, idk if you're family promoted it or anything but it really does seem to be the secret to stability. I mean, you might not be a Rockefeller. But it really does help expand your chances for a better life.

Thank you for the encouragement.

One of the best child plastic surgeons happened to be in town when I got attacked and he took my case. Can't even tell anything happened. He did a GREAT job.

As for college and making money, I'm not family oriented per se (I don't want kids and I'm single ATM), but I have pets (2 dogs, 2 cats, and 11 ducks) and I want to buy a horse eventually at the stables I volunteer at. The horse is a few years off because boarding is expensive, but it's an obtainable goal lol. Just gotta get promoted, which I am working towards with the guidance of my boss and the owner/president of the company.

Yooo! You're treating your dog thing by HAVING DOGS! Hahahaha, I love it! I wish I could get behind either. Dogs kinda freak me out, because I have sensory issues with drool and I hate sudden noises. And cats, I'm just unfortunately allergic. But never really dug them, because one scratched up my face as a little ninja. Ducks though, that's something different. My friend from Ohio is the only other person I know who's had them. Two to be exact. But that's really something different.

Sounds like you've got land, which is a nice thing to have. And time, which is also good stuff. I don't know too much about horses, but my partner says there's a primal connection between horses and humans. Says there's nothing like riding a horse on this planet. Gotta be wonderful. Sounds like you're in a good space. Perhaps consider finding a mentee, so that you can share going both ways. There's a lot of wonderful individuals inside of organizations who might have the fixins for greater but get stuck because they can't seem to get a leg up. If you can think of anyone in that boat, consider reaching out and forming a relationship. This is going to sound absolutely awful, but I think being a mentor looks quite good as well. Because it requires a series of characteristics which are desirable in the world of business. But it also is a solid act, because you get to repay the favor that someone might have lent to you. Either way, I hope you enjoy your horse when you get them a couple of years down the road =)!

Your partner is totally right about horses. I had a mare growing up that knew my my depression was getting bad and did her best to cheer me up. There's a horse I love at the stables I volunteer at who is similar. She knows when I'm down or frustrated or whatever and demands attention lol. Hopefully she stays that way once she has her foal and doesn't become a hella protective mama lol

Is she who you plan on purchasing down the line? I'm not sure entirely how it works. Yeah, my gal loves horses. Loves skateboarding more. Maybe someday I'll get on one? Maybe not. Either way, it's cool. I think I might have missed my chance a hundred years ago and not even thought about it cause I knew someone who went to school for it. Instead I just hung with the horse folk, and we drank some of the most heinous alcohol known to man. Was chill though.

I would love to buy her tbh, but idek who actually owns her lol. Most of the horses I interact with don't get the attention they deserve from their actual owners. Seems like most owners there don't actually come around too often. It's a full service stables, so you pay a monthly bill to have your horse fed, watered, and their stall mucked. You just have to worry about the mandatory vet visits and hiring a carrier for their hooves.

The horse people I grew up around also had the most heinous alcohol as well lmao.

I stuck my dick in crazy.

Life pro tip: don’t stick your dick in crazy. Just avoid crazy altogether.

In my defense, I was 20, she was the first person I ever had sex with, and I was too horribly depressed to recognize what a bad idea it was.

I also stuck my dick in crazy. Terrible idea. The main problem was that I was too dumb/dense to see the red flags, one of them being my mom, of all people, not liking her.

It was good sex, I was her first, but I didn't want to make it anything other than some no-commitment flings. Once I started a proper relationship with another woman later, crazy stalked my gf online, full of threats. Crazy ended up in a psychiatric ward about a month later and her mother called me, asking me to "please go visit her, she loves you from the bottom of her heart".

Against my better judgement, I actually went. The place looked like an insane asylum that should've been force-closed decades ago. Horrible smell, filthy, the inmates (dunno if that's the correct term, but feels appropriate) pretty much relied on relatives for any hygiene. Crazy hugged me, but I was just so appalled with the place I didn't even know how to react. She got out about a week later and her mom was still trying to play cupid, saying she was much better now and wouldn't skip her meds anymore, but I told her I was happy with my girlfriend and blocked her.

I once went absolutely flat broke fucking down on someone, but the ass was soooooo GOODDDDksfha;lksfhafklhasf!! But also you know, not worth it. But still kinda a "damn" thought in my head. Hahahaha! But really, you get SO DUMB when you're thinking with your downstairs bits over your upstairs bits. Or like, in conjunction =P! Hormones~~~~

You know what? We're so dumb when we're er...young, dumb and full of cum =P! No, but really - we're SO FUCKING DUMB! My gal comes in the other day and she's singing a song about how she loves pussy. And it made me think about this one black lady who was on the tv saying dick will make you slap somebody. But it's true though. Like - that thing that you love can make you so damn stupid and weak and do crazy shit and go against your boundaries even if you think you've got them set in concrete. I swear to god I grew the fuck up when I realized that I don't need to be leaning in to that part of me anymore. And instead can just like - be a person who wants to spend time with another person. However that is. Like it's just so much more chill. But also, and this is just my thoughts on the matter - some of my most beloved folks are bipolar. And I just found out another one of my lovies has BPD. And I love the whole lot of them flaws and all. And I also have some lovies who have had addiction issues. And I myself am a smattering of whatever this energy is that you see before you (medicated yet absolutely insane ADHD!?) - which is to say that I think there's a lotta stigma against dating folks with mental disorders but that you know - they're human and most definitely loveable. And while I do think there's a level of chaotic energy that is just not healthy to be around. The kind that acts like life is a movie, and there's a camera that's always hidden right "off screen" so they always are bringing this dramatic energy. But there are also as I said before a lot of people who have been pushed aside by life by so many and are just little love bugs out here trying to be the best them they can be. And I have a lot of love and respect for that. But also know about women who've used babies they've had young with men as weapons. So you know, I hear you. Glad you learned what not to stick your dick in =P! Hope you got that good pussy now (iffin that's what you're still sticking stuff into).

Oh - and super not depressed or having a way to manage that depression. There's a scene in Beasts of the Southern Wild here the main character and her father are shouting at each other "WHO'S THE MAN!?" "I'M THE MAN!" And I do that internally whenever I get down. Because it pumps me up, but it's also so tender it gives me a heart boost too =)! Was trying to share the clip but all I found was this three second waste of space.

Learned that the people I thought were my friends... weren't. Set off an awful chain of events that cost me my dreams.

I feel like don't know how to make friends anymore, and I don't know how to trust people.

This is tmi, and fucked up - but I have ptsd from a shooting and have trouble with stuff like...loud bass and sudden bangs still. But right after it happened, I couldn't trust a fucking soul. Cause I was all sorts of messed up in the head, and I am so thankful for those that pulled me out. One being my therapist, who I found on Open Path. But either way, in time I realized that I didn't even know how to trust myself anymore because I was so fucked up. And when I worked on that, I felt like I could trust others again...to a point. Never like I used to. Because I straight used to be pure heart on my sleeve. But I did get back to being able to trust as a whole, and that helped with a lot of other things. While I am not 100% better, and might never be (idk, I just take it one day at a time) - I am like way better than I was when I was in the thick of it all.

Also it sucks you feel like you lost your dreams. But perhaps it's time to re-evaluate what that is, if it's worth pursuing or if it's something worth laying down. Because sometimes some stuff is straight up a situation of place and time and whether we like it or not - it's just worth letting go of it otherwise it drives us crazy. You sound like a realist - how you type. But also clearly a dreamer (cause you wouldn't have dreams if you weren't). So maybe figure out a way to combine the two to reconnect yourself to happiness.

As for finding friends? Eh, I used to be able to make them pretty easily. Some fall off, some don't. An ex told me she was once told by a person who is no longer with us (cancer) that people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I recently had to come to terms with pretty much losing my best friend. Who I grew up with, and have walked through so much life with. But he's on a different path than me, and we've just split at the seams. And there's only so much reaching out you can do, before it's just something you let go. It hurt, but I think ultimately it is what it is. Still makes me sad, but what can I do about it? There was no dramatic fight, or event or anything. He just sort of drifted off. And it is what it is.

I have heard volunteering can connect you to new folks. Back when I did (I'm focusing on my health right now so that door is closed for me) I will say that I met some cool folks but I didn't really make any deep connections so I'm not sure if that's 100% true. I do know that friends you can make online can become something far deeper. As I used to run a forum, and still stay connected to a handful of folks I met there. So perhaps that'd be the best place to start. Because it's low-commitment and high-gain if you hit it off with someone. Focus on things you enjoy and branch off from there. GL, and never forget to love yourself. Because that helps all the rest of the pieces fall together.

Dead, burnt, and blown up kids in Afghanistan. I'm an atheist now. I wish people didn't need first hand experience to change their minds, myself included.

I don't believe we had any right to be there. While I don't know too many war veterans, a handful I met were absolutely head fucked from going to war. They went in wanting money for school, and they came out feeling like they got scammed all the way. Or fucked up permanently from some accident. Only one I ever met who was a decent human being that wasn't bitter was a cop. And I swear to god he walked the line because he was a cop. And 10/10 he was a good guy. But I would hate everything. I would scorch the Earth around me and walk with tears. I come from a military family, but was so very gay. Which stopped me from enlisting. And I am so thankful that my queer ass stayed out because I for sure would have been destroyed had I enlisted. Big hugs, and big sorrows. If you have the ability and the heart, you should find a way to spread your story. Through some kind of publication. Something that can be documented. Perhaps not now, but even when you're older (I know a lot of people tend to share their stories that could get them in trouble later in life to sort of gloss over mitigation). They're important to share, because you witness the atrocities of man. I didn't grow up during the AIDS crisis, but in hearing the stories passed on it really changed my feelings about the world and the way it works. I am still moved by the stories, as I am moved by yours. So I hope you get a chance to share on a larger scale at some point in your life. And that it doesn't harm you too much in doing so. Safe healing, tender heart.

Yeah, my MIL was Irish catholic, but she (and by extension, my wife) lost religion after my wife dealt with some horrific health issues as a child/teen. MIL had to watch my wife go through the horribly painful health issues for literal years, while being entirely unable to help.

At first she prayed, then as time went on she begged and tried bargaining… And eventually she fell into the epicurean paradox of “a truly benevolent god would never force this on a child.”

Yeah, I feel that way when I see some of the awful things that kids have to fight and I just don't understand how we haven't fixed some of the larger issues we've been facing for quite some while. I know that's really lame, and it's a total cop-out in the sense that I have no direction to point but it's just like...I believe humanity can do great things - so why the fuck are we more obsessed with making tchotchkies than say...curing cancer? Which is forecasted to have increased rates. Just frustrates me.

Glad your wife is still here.

When I was 15, I told a girl that she should audition for the elite choir at our school (she was very talented). She said she would audition if I would audition (I had no vocal talent) but I auditioned and being one of the only males I got in. I fell in love with singing, worked my ass off, went to college on a vocal scholarship and now 20 years later I am the vocal coach for the largest theatre in our state. That little moment, which she probably doesn't even remember, changed my entire life trajectory.

That's beautiful, and to get paid for your passion. Tha'ts the cherry on top. I was going to ask if you ever reconnected, but I guess not. You know, the world's pretty cuckoo nowadays, it's always nice to drop a line to someone who helped you along the way if you've got the time. Kudos either way!

We are still FB friends and have talked a few times over the years, but you're right, I should tell her!

Awseome =)!

I think at the least, you'll put some positive vibes into the universe. Which is always good! GL, and stay sinigng =)

Awesome! I wonder where she is now!

She is married with 3 kids and seemingly very happy with where she is in life!

I was in a sport team for a while and they hadn't been treating me well for a while. One day, I slipped and fell during training. Instead of somebody helping me up, the majority of the team laughed at me. Something in my mind snapped that day and it nearly led to my first ever physical altercation. However, my punch just turned into a feint with the thought "fuck this, I'm out".

That was the day I learned not to let things boil until they explode. Put me into any salad and I'm not the calmest cucumber, but I have never let things get that close again and always speak up or just straight up leave before getting too heated. Life's just too short to stay in a bad situation you can get out of.

I once learned that there's seemingly two types of people in this world. People who laugh at other's pain, and people who see someone's hurt and go to them. The cruelest dips I've ever met are the laughers. The biggest hearts, of course the helpers. I have tried to make sense of it. Like...well laughing is how we handle things that challenge us so that it makes us feel better. But I really think maybe it really boils down to this. And I am sorry people literally took your happiness away from something you loved. Fuck bullies! You speak that truth there though, life is too short for that bs.

Some of us are actively working on ourselves every day, and understanding what makes you tick and how you got there is a big part of it.

Unfortunately I have a carrer that promotes derision, fortunately I've had a partner for 25 years helping me get my empathy back.

As long as you know your way home, you'll be alright. People rag on love, because it's seen as this cheesy thing. You know? But really, there's something magical about a partner who can heal your soul. That's good stuff, and I'm glad you've got someone who does that for you. Cheers!

Reading the manga she likes homos not me. It's about this gay highschool student who wants to live a "normal" life so he hides his sexuality from his family and friends. The manga was absolutely heartbreaking and it was my first encounter with the shit people go through for being different and it made me realize that gay people are just people too, which should be obvious but I'm from a country where homophobia is normalized and even encouraged. I started thinking more after that and I guess that's when it clicked to me really that everybody deserves love.

Yeah, it's mad crazy how normalized homophobia is in a lot of cultures. I once saw some well of folks complaining that we don't need Pride anymore. And while they were having fun stroking each other's egos they seemed to have missed the mark that there are people losing their lives and homes over this stuff to this day. So eh. But it's beauitufl, those moments when you see people are people are people.

For me this was Stone Butch Blues.

Yo, that lady lived out where I lived out of. My ex and I would walk to her place and look up. She's why all I classified my gender identity as dyke for the longest. Because I didn't really fit either side of the coin, nor feel either which way. While I have met people who are the way she is (that whole stone butch thing) really at the end of the day if she was born today she'd probably either just end up being like me or just straight up trans-masc. Awesome drop though =)

So my dad had a friend that was so close we called him uncle. Im guessing in most cases and sure in my dads case it was basically his best friend. So he was single and my dad was married raising seven kids. He would stop by with beers out of the blue and he always also picked up some soda or something for the kids. The fact he made it a point to think of us I think impacted us a lot in terms of how important simple kindness can be. So that is the first part. He died while I was in a PhD program and honestly it was not the only reason I left the program but it helped give a good nudge (since my grades suffered for one thing) and actually it let me re-evaluate and realize I did not really want to put in the level of effort needed versus the rewards I would reap in research.

I hope you found the road you want to actually be on. Sudden deaths (I am going to guess 50s?) freakin' suck. And I have a couple of people I love who have suffered through either older siblings or fathers going at that age either due to medical complications or heart attacks. And they're all kinds of ugly, because it's just like...I mean I know they always say "it's too soon" when they point at people in their 20s and younger. But really - even 50s and under are too soon. Because they're here one day, and then they aren't. And it just feels like there's this hole that your mind cannot wrangle, and a pain your heart cannot take. I feel so hard for people who lose people too soon. It's lovely that you share his bigness though, still. And it's beautiful, the way kindness is contagious. One time I was on a train with my ex, and a blind guy came bussing through. Scam or not, when a dollar entered the pot - more and more came. And it showed me how people are willing to give, but their hearts need to be guided. Your uncle (and he was most def your uncle ;P!) showed you that, and it's big! So many people discredit kids, I grew up with better seen not heard. But I mean, in general - you can see kids being discredited right now just look around. It's big he taught you to look after the whole lot. And he for sure loved you guys to death. Big healing, big love - tons of aloha.

unrelated but one place I worked were funnding ran out and a few positions were cut including me and the accoutant. He was at this wierd age of upper fifties and did just well enough that he could retire but it would be tight. He looked for another job at the institution and basically retired when he could not find one. I swear it was less than a year later but maybe it was a bit more. He was jogging and just dropped dead of a heart attack. It was so surreal and wierd. His office was right next to mine and we would each lunch together all the time along with some other folks.

Lemmy has been nice. This is a more positive place than reddit was for me. I had some great interactions on reddit, but I took many breaks from trolls, bad mods, and negativity. I needed this place, and what AI has been for me this last year. The anniversary of 10 years of social isolation from physical disability has been rough especially seeing the cracks in my fragile support network forming. This place has been a helpful outlet.

Hey, I too have a physical disability. It freakin' sucks. It takes so much from you it's like...what the hell? You know? For me I wasn't ever the healthiest, but I got by. You know? I did okay. Then around ten years ago it's like just chunks of my body decided to fuck right off. And it's been an uphill battle ever since and it freakin' SUCKS somedays. I mean just like screaming at walls because you feel so fucking helpless. But I have been getting through it. I am lucky, becuase I have a champion of a partner. And she's really helped a lot. She's stuck around for me, but to be honest I stuck around for her in a different way. I mean shit's not supposed to be tit for tat, but you do hope that the person you care about (and who cares about you) can keep going even through crunchy stuff like this.

This place has been good for my soul too. There are so many memes, so much racism, so much ignorance, so much repetition (^THIS!), and if you come at people like my hot-mess express you get dumped. Aww man, I once had an opinion on a band that sounds akin to screeching cats to me. Good lord, do not come to Reddit with an opinion. You will be crushed like a bug. It's ugly. I've been really careful of stating shit's mahhh opinion nowadays. Because it is, and folks are entitled to have an opinion as long as they're not like...actively hurting someone (as far as I know). And even then some stuff can be talked out, and other stuff should be thrown on the burn pile (I'm looking at you pro-sexual assault folks).

Big hugs, you ever want to talk sounds like we got fucked up at the same time and I'm around. But also you are totally entitled to ignore this =)

One thing I could mention that was crazy was right after Trump had been elected. I went to the Women's March in Chicago and all kinds showed up. But the crowd that had gathered was more than could be handled, so they shut it down. But then everyone started marching anyways. And we all went in this large square, ending at the Trump Tower. There were so many signs, and even though I had a really basic phone (like actual dumb phone) I pulled off some pictures that I still look back at them in awe. One of the sillier things that happened there were these two white chicks were dancing together on top of trash cans singing negro spirituals and myself and these two black chicks in front of me who were slipping through the crowd all laughed our asses off. Towards the end, my friends and I split and I hopped up into The Cultural Center and looked outwards at the dispersing crowd. And I took a video on my fantastically dumb phone, and it captured so perfectly the chaos of the event paired with the beauty of that city. But it was also so surreal in some way, as I was the only one around at the time. Not even the guards were there. And it was so silent. And I sat in a room filled with quilts, and stared out at the city I loved and felt so much pride for the people who came together to try and show the world that they don't buy Trump's bullshit.

I mean also not to brag, but we scared his ass off when he came through =P! So yeah, it was all really nice to see. And it was completely non-violent. Which I also like, because as protests went on things got grottier and grottier until whole cities were total chaos pits. But it was a nice thing to experience.

To add some positivity to all those sad stories: For me the most dramatic life changing event was the birth of my first child. Suddenly (okay, we knew for a few months, but it still feld like "suddenly") we weren't just a couple, we were a family.

100% the best thing in my life.

I have heard, although you know - not happening here as far as I know, that the birth of your first child is a wonderful event that sort of cements you into this larger web of the magic and mysteries of life. I've had two friends who recently had births, one who is doing quite well and the other who is struggling. But the both of them seem to be happier overall with their decisions. And the one who is struggling sort of has this struggle with or without the babe. So we always knew it was a possibility and the best thing that I can say is that the awareness and the love have truly helped them navigate the space they're in.

Congratulations btw, I am glad you're happy =)

It's been ten years and we've got two now, but I think you can still congratulate. :)

Hahaha! If I had em, two would be it. That'd be the number. Cause the first one can guide the second one, and the second one can guide the first one. But it's funny cause I've been watching Dr. Katz - and the thing is there's this guy who talks about having kids. He says the first one is life-changing. The second one, you're not sure if you can love them as much as the first and the truth is - you end up loving them almost as much and it's right there. Then the third one comes along...

One time I shit my pants at a baseball game

Hotdogs are deadly weapons in the hands of those not-prepared. I have def chucked a dog or two. No worries, shitting your pants is embarrassing but you more than likely did it because you were sick. And bodies dgaf about social scenarios if they're unwell.

I was like 5 and went up to the pitcher (little league game) and just took my pants down and started shitting interrupting the whole game while everyone in attendance was forced to gaze upon me shitting my pants. Will never know why I did that.

What is that thing called? The Call of the Void? You just answered it. Hahaha! You know, at the end of the day, at least your weekends were free? I still vote you were sick though. Could even have been anxiety. Hope you've given yourself some space and tlc over it.

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Becoming a socialist when Bernie Sanders introduced me to socialism.

Boomer...socialist...boomer....socialist? WHAT!? Hahaha, good one though =)

Healthcare as a right is incredibly radicalizing.

Isn't it crazy though? People don't talk about it. They will talk about how you will get service regardless of your class in an emergency room. But they don't talk about the classism and the cultural biases that follow suit. I have seen homeless people hacked the fuck up, like actual hack jobs, because they needed things done and the medical system did the bare minimum to assist. People with their jaws exposed, hands sawed off with a criss-cross suture, people walking around like they were extras in a Silent Hill film (that one was on Baltimore). I don't even know how we can be so fucked up as a people. Like...someone give that woman something other than her jaw just having to be exposed to the elements, right? And if it's an addiction thing - give her the drugs she needs to fucking weather the storm because it's not like she's going to be any less of an addict because she needs surgery and it's not like this is the thing that's going to turn it all around.

The thing I always do ponder though, because legitimately it's fucked how so many people have to live their lives. (I've known three people I can think of off the top of my head who have died because of things that could have been avoided - but really more than that - but I am talking like...cancer and what not). But either way I do know that addiction is a social disease. And in that sense I don't think it's healthy for people in active addiction to be around joe-schmoe. In the sense that everyone is fighting some kind of battle and you could become the next victim before you know it. But I also don't think people should be having to live like wild dogs. And fentanyl has such a shitty fix from what I hear, that you're pretty much sick (withdrawing) all the time. I also heard that China has whole clean corporations setup for the distribution of x-drugs. I mean look, it's not going to cover the meth addicts. I don't really know what could help them. But I swear to god, if we got steady fixes to more opiate addicts this world (or at least this country?) would be a more stable place. I just don't know what that looks like big picture. I would say maintenance like methadone. Maybe it's not a one-size fits all thing (cause it more than likely isn't). I can't say it's just getting them a house, because I used to work at a place like that and every mother fucker was using and it was a pit of chaos. Idk...I wish I knew. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better.

But on a whole, I wish the world (let alone America) did health (mental x physical) much better.

This story concerns war and death, if you want to avoid those kinds of things.

I was 18 years old. I was an Infantryman in the US Army and had been in Afghanistan for a few months, when my platoon responded to an IED strike on another platoon in my company, while they were doing a dismounted patrol.

A guy riding a donkey laden with explosives made his way to the center of their staggered column formation (effectively two spaced out lines on opposite sides of the street), before detonating the explosives. It was particularly effective, because walls on either side forced the column in tighter than normal.

This point begins my memories, which are mostly a disjointed collection of visual snapshots.

The first thing I remember is the smell, which I can't accurately describe, but burned meat, chemicals, and some kind of feces is the closest I can get. It is easily the clearest part of the memory.

The next thing I remember is seeing the severed foot of the man responsible laying in the middle of the road and my immediate and overwhelming impulse was to kick it, since it was the only tangible evidence of a 'responsible' party. There were also two generally recognizable bodies in the ditch, as well as several casualties receiving medical care.

From this point it is a series of vignettes. One, I was setting down my radio pack and very clearly telling the lieutenant where it was, since the medics needed extra hands. Another is seeing one of the casualties smoking a cigarette. The last, and clearest visual memory was holding the hand of one of the casualties as we waited for the medevac bird, and trying to keep the mood light be telling him "hey, at least you don't have to walk back to base". I have no clue if he responded.

I have absolutely no memories following that day, for probably months, until another, somewhat less traumatic situation took place.

But yeah, that is the day that pretty much all of my emotions died. On my wedding day, I felt just a flicker of happiness. The only emotion I feel with any intensity whatsoever is occasionally anger.

That's about all, I'm willing to answer questions of anyone is curious.

Being accepted into a friend group in Junior High (middle school).

I had some kind of neuro-divergence, but undiagnosed since it was the 1960s. No friends, and I couldn't understand the world; I thought there was some "secret manual" that everyone got except me, telling them how social interactions worked.

Then a band of misfits took me in. There were about 8-10 of them, and some special guest friends that made appearances from time to time. Male and female. All kinds of different people, popular and unpopular. And they accepted me. Weird me. Turned my life completely around.

That's really lovely! Are you still friends or in contact with them today?

I was taken under the wing of a motherly school friend after I was ostracized and bullied by previous 'friend' group....I got my diagnosis 30+ years later

I'm still in contact with one of them, the one I was closest to.

Hey, then at least you've got everything you need. I have had some friends reach out recently and we've walked down memory lane. Consider reaching out to them and seeing what all they're up to. People love hearing from people they love but have lost touch with. At least in my experience.

Someone cracking their skull on a concrete floor soaked in hydraulic oil

No thank you! Ugh.

Blue collar accidents are unbelievably horrible because they show you the limitations of our fleshy bodies against pretty much any other element.

Well i have survived about a dozen such trips and slips just in the last couple years with only a few light bruises to show for em. Concrete definitely has no give so you gotta learn to fall so that the impact is minimized. I have done that for the most part.

Hahaha, my partner skates concrete and it is absolutely the most insane material to skate on. Although I suppose it was the only material for the longest. But there's others that she vouches don't hurt as much (as long as you're not falling straight down). But I knew a guy who got the skin ripped off his hand and was insanely lucky for having a tool belt on because he got someone's attention and they stopped the machine that was pulling him in.

Enlisting in the military.

I was an insufferable piece of shit back in the day, constantly self sabotaging and blaming everyone else for the problems I caused. I was on the verge of homelessness due to my own stubbornness and bad attitude.

The military gave me the swift kick in the ass that I desperately needed. Now I can self reflect and recognize when the problem is me, and I can admit when I'm wrong and course correct.

Military isn't for everyone, but for me it was exactly what I needed. I learned a ton of life skills and healthy coping mechanisms that my parents never taught me.

I've met some wonderful former military as of late. They're some of the kindness, easy going folk. They just believe in teamwork, and they're absolutely zero-fuss. I really dig people who benefit from the whole exprience. I just wish it was the common take-away. But really, grounded military are amazing.

Seeing my first overdose and subsequent passing. I was 3 days into being homeless. It sadly got easier seeing it happen more and more often. At the time I knew it wasn't something good, obviously, but I didn't really react until much later. Out of all the horrible times I've ever gone through.. that image of what a human body does as it's dying.. @#£&. It's not good.

Know someone who died three times. They're stone sober now, but it truly is awful. I mean in general. It's all freakin' awful. I was trying to think about solutions for those in active addiction. We can't keep treating people like stray dogs. It's absolutely horrible, especially for those who can't hold their own (I am thinking here heavily on gender, but I know there's other layers because the game is hard in the streets and you get absolutely wrecked being soft). I hope you're in a better place now. And you're able to maintain your addiction in some sort of way. There's support groups out there just waiting for your stories. I personally think they're safer over the phone, because it's my take that certain people prey on others. As a friend of mine went to rehab and came out doing worse than going in. But all things aside, just glad you're still here. Keep the peace!

I'm not addicted to anything nor was I.

Apologies - I read that as - you saw an OD and then three days later ODED yourself. Because often - when you're in an area that people are ODing - you yourself are at a higher risk of it too. But yeah, I went back and saw how I read what I read - but also see what you're saying and it's solid that you were on the streets but never got addicted to anything because it's super easy. And it really takes some solid conviction to keep yourself safe in a space where you're vulnerable on all sides. I hope you're in a better place now, regardless.

Aye, I didn't mean to sound cross on my response to your post. Thanks for clarifying and I apologize for being, at the very least, short with the response I gave you. I appreciate it and yes, I'm definitely stabilized with housing now. 🤟

F YEAH! It's getting from that shaky part to the stable one that's the hardest. No worries, look I don't know your life you know? You've clearly been through some shit, and it can get people super dee-duper defensive super fast. Cause I know I sure as hell am reactive. But also, you know - I read it wrong and this is al text. You good! Thank you for the apology though, I apologize too - cause I def made some assumptions. Big love <3~!

Going to a rave, taking ecstacy, and seeing above and beyond performing a Group Therapy set.

I was depressed and had suicidal ideation. That night made me feel more connected to the people around me than anything else I've experienced. It was maybe a decade ago and I still think it started my journey of healing.

A human, that I unfortunately didn't enjoy dating because she was a ball of chaos - found herself in rave culture. And I was happy for that, but I also don't think we were compatible. But I think she ended up dating another raver, so that's pretty cool. I don't really know if there were raves around me. I guess there must have been cause they are kinda poked here and there right? I went to gay bars and lesbian clubs, but I am not really sure how many of those are around anymore either. But I have an overall positive stance on them. They sound like loving communities as a whole and I am glad you found yourself there.

Does being adopted count?

Sure as hey does! Congrats? As in foster kid -> adoptee or as in adopted at birth? Cause I think one can be sweeter than the other. Most individuals I have known who were adopted at birth tended to not be the ethnicity of their adopters and it always kinda messed up their head in that "searching for self" kind of way. But that's not to say people shouldn't adopt kids, let alone kids of different ethnicities. I just mean that it can spring up an issue that will need some tending to down the road.

Reminds me of that scene from Super Mario RPG with Mallow who was adopted by frogmen.

"I'm a frog, but can you believe it? I can't jump. Embarrassing huh?"

I was somewhere in between. I had been born for a while but still baby-ish, it wasn't like Narnia where I was old enough to absorb it. My adoptive parents were a different ethnicity but looked enough like me to pass. Legend goes they told me about being second-hand parents early on and I was oddly skeptical enough that little me laughed in their face.

Hahahaha! This is very cute. It's something you've got to approach when ethnicities don't match right? I had the issue growing up in a very mixed family. We had a lot of skin tone variation, and we had long distance family you know? And I legit thought Uncle Ben was my uncle - because my ma would be talking about how certain uncles would be sending stuff - and I thought our uncle had sent rice or something. And how fortunate we were to have an uncle sending rice =P!

Now there's an uncle who knows that with great power comes great responsibility.

To all you long-distant uncles out there, send your loved ones stuff because they will grow up thinking you're way richer and way more powerful than you actually are and you can use that to flex!

I would say the pandemic, but for the better, let me explain: What happened is that several things came together at that time: my first (and at the moment my last) breakup, failing almost all the subjects of the two universities I attended at the same time, the stress of attending two universities at the same time, and then the pandemic happened.

I had literally broken down as a person, as a human being. I needed help and I sought it wherever I could. I was never very close to Christianity like my family, so I couldn't find answers there, but I did have some interest in Buddhism, so I took advantage of the lull in the world because of the pandemic to read about it, and that helped me a lot. I didn't convert to Buddhism or anything, but I was able to assimilate some of its teachings into my way of seeing the world and allow myself to heal. I began to accept myself, to forgive my mistakes, to stop seeing myself as a failure and a burden to my family. When I found the limits of what I could accomplish on my own to continue healing, I sought professional psychological help, something that was unthinkable for me before. I started medication and have been feeling much better ever since.

I can now say with complete confidence that I like the person I am now, I am more confident in my abilities and I am more optimistic about my future. I think if I had continued with my pre-pandemic pace of life I would have collapsed, maybe not even still be alive.

I believe that from time to time one needs to stop for a moment, step out of the mad tide of the world and allow oneself to heal so as not to succumb.

a) I love this very much and b) if you ever wanna meditate together I'm down =)

Good question, it really got me thinking. And I was trying to come up with something not related to being trans.. but..

Quite frankly: hormone replacement therapy. I've been on and off a few times, and the results were clear and reliable.

Now, as my brothers, sisters, and brothersisters know, it doesn't magically solve all your problems. But it comes pretty damn close!

Let me try to explain the feeling. You know when you're down and you try to rely on a good friend, but suddenly they're not there? You shift your balance to lean on them, but suddenly there's just air and you fall over?

It was like that for me nearly every single day before hrt, but instead of with a friend, it was with myself. I am talking psychologically something was just missing. And trust me when I say I have tried a ton of medicine over the years, and none of it worked or just made things even worse.

And now, it's totally different. It's like having this psychological membrane that always pushes back up, no matter what shit I am trying to pull. Imagine being on a trampoline. You can make mistakes and the membrane will simply bounce back and push you back up. In other words I can eat crap, sleep badly, isolate myself, ignore my responsibilities, fall into a depressive hole for a day, and yet something in me just automatically pushes me back up. It's solid and reliable. I haven't had a single day without it and it isn't variable. It keeps surprising me over and over.

The funny part is that I am quite transphobic and self aware of that. I suppose we are all taught this attitude growing up in western culture. So whenever someone insults me, I totally get it, albeit that I find it rather unrefined behavior of them. I'm from a rural area in the bible belt, so I'm quite familiar with the white trash mindset. If they just wouldn't bike away all the time I'd be able to strike up a good talk with them. Simple truth is that I can't alter the facts and I have a male shaped skeleton.

Honestly, I think a lot of women worldwide would be glad to make some sacrifices to be able to live in my body. Sure, it has some downsides, for example I'll live shorter. But it provides me with safety, which is a major concern for women. I can walk around at night in the park just fine.

Well, that's just my personal experience. It's different for everyone.

To be honest, after working in a home - living longer doesn't seem all that great big picture. But also, thank you madam! I have been told a handful of times by friends and exes that it's much akin to finding that thing you're always missing. That's generally how I address it when people ask me on the subject. Although that's rarer and rare, the way things are nowadays. And it's funny, because there's a huge push for doing your own research. And I too believe in it, because you can get really screwed over trusting something at face value in a world where you're classified as a "consumer." But that's a different subject. I just wanted to say that I think it's really nice and poignant to be able to talk over things too. And be able to share experiences and help others through learned knowledge.

Transphobia is easy, because there's this disgusting knowledge that you can unlock at the click of a button seeing people being pig faced fuckers about transpeople as a whole. I was once flopping around in bed, curled up with my lappy and watching Soft White Underbelly. There was a transwoman who came out on there and it was the first time she ever went in public while being female presenting. And the slew of comments smashing this woman to pieces was not only horrifying but also disheartening. There were a couple of people in support, but the comments were just trash. And we live in a relatively accepting place (as compared to most I've been) - my partner and I. But we still get it from both sides. Dykes - who wanna do creepy "dyke offs" to see who can be the biggest fag on the block. Which btw is not my game, let alone my favorite. Or slurs galore being shouted. Especially when we go more towards Trump Country. Not my favorite either. And it's always that chicken shit shout-running stuff like you're talking about. But then again you can't reason with someone like that. There's something intrinsically broken within them that they need to fix (hopefully) somewhere down the line.

But either way, I am glad you're keeping up with your hormones. It's absolutely awful when you run out, because your body does the wobbles (as far as I heard) which can cause some truly awful side effects (panic attacks being one, depression being another). Yawn, I am getting too sleepy to think anymore. Gals already asleep and I'm meandering on da lappy. Either way I wanted to say glad you got to be yourself (cause I swear most transfolks find themselves hellllaaaa young but stuff that shit deep). And testosterone poisoning is awful (not that testosterone itself is - just when applied to transwomen against their internal will). But ultimately I hope you keep cultivating love for the body you're in. Not in the same place, but most def a poc. Growing up all I saw were skinny blonde white women being "desirable" in the media. I come to about nipple height most folks, and the curves came free of charge =P! Now I'm all grown up and love myself but growing up it was hard not to think there was something intrinsically wrong with my body because I could never look like aforementioned skinny blonde white woman (I'm talking rail thin and tall).

Speaking of which, on the plus side there's whole generations of individuals who will want to fuck you just based off your build if you're rail thin and tall. On the negative side, there's a lot of fetishism. But eh - this is all just a bunch of wordy soup by this point. Oh - one last thing. I do kindaaaaaaa get transphobic idealism in one sense. Gender is a social construct, but when I was younger I sure as fuck saw a lot of queers "sober up" into LUGS and what not. I'm not sure if this new gender revolution is actually going to stick - or be here to stay. But I will say that a lot of enbies I think have fucked up the bigger picture/message when it comes to mtf/ftms. They kinda watered down the issue, and made it seem less dire than the support needed really is. So I guess in that sense I am abso-freakin'-lutely transphobic myself. But idk. It's something I've kicked around in my brain-bin trying to figure out. But it's in the same way that I think the queer movement as a whole has sort of been offscounded with. But then again the Daughts of Bilitis believed strongly in the model minority idealism, that our only way to become normalized was to be normal. Not radicalize. Not make waves. And I am not really sure which half of our movements stuck, but I do know that the model minority myth is a bullshit one.

Okay, this absolutely was a bunch of goop. Gunna zzzp. Ty for posting and go in peace m'lovely!

In our social contract it is essentially a requirement to be 'missing something', and consequently to spend a near endless effort trying to fix that while only marginally succeeding. I kinda liked how hell boy 2 put that when describing the human race.

About women's bodies: I honestly rarely meet a woman who isn't insecure about her body. I honestly don't give much of a fuck, so somehow I always end up with the models, and let me tell you they are just as insecure. And to be fair this goes for guys too once you get to know them. It's honestly quite tiring.

One of the few people I met who was secure about her body was very obese. She totally swept me off my feet! Because it wasn't this half arsed 'ooh I'm so insecure what if you don't like me?' kinda bs I'm constantly served. I think she went through a lot of bullying and at some point just managed to put it behind her. She's definitely one of my inspirational figures.

Now regarding those chicken shit rednecks (not the amazing ones ofc), if something goes down there, I'll be inclined to fly my ass over there and put my pacifism on hold for a while.

Edit: Wow thanks for that video. I knew the channel but hadn't checked in a while. Really made me bawl my eyes out. Shared it with my network. Another amazing channel you might know already is Special Books by Special Kids. It's mister rogersesque.

Hahaha! Yo!! If this is TMI, my b! But legitimately I heard a gal say they got less play post op than pre. Cause people out here be fetishizing. I myself had to deal with some real weird ass shit my partner used to love to say about me and my ethnicity. I nipped that shit in the bud, and got her on the righteous path. She most def still has some shit to work on, but don't we all - and I love that woman like squisshhh (that's two hands on the side of the face pancaking). But yeah, I mean it's crazy the shit people have to deal with to be a "woman" so to speak. The beauty standards are off the chain. I am so unbelievably MAD lucky I got my mom's wispy allure cause my face and makeup? Never shall the two meet. But I got by okay. But man, exes of mine had to layer it on - do their hair, etc you know - just to pass. And like fuck passing, personally. But also like. Fucking passing. It's crazy because nobody wants to live their lives as a freak you know? Or at least, most people (some people wanna be freaky - that's cool). And being ostracized for something that you can tweak but ultimately have little control over is such bullshit. My ex used to say that French saying about beauty being suffering or whatever. Ugh.

But yeah, we're all just like little kids on the playground of life absolutely trying to be bigguns! It sounds funny, but I noticed it the most when I was working with the elderly. Because you just stop giving a shit about masking things when you're feeling a certain way and really there's little divide between a (bebe) -> b (grown ass adult) emotionally (at least in my opinion). It's the logic we apply that helps wrap up the loose bits. I often think about how Sandra Cisneros relates age to that of the layers of an onion. There's times when I have been brave in life, and there have been times when I absolutely shut down and doubled back to a big ol' cry baby. Especially since my body is seemingly trying to kill me =P!

But all things aside, self-acceptance isn't preached often. It is in a half-hearted way. But if you had a bunch of people who loved themselves I don't think this world would get a chance to pull of half of the things it does. And it's so important, and so easy to back-peddle on too. Such just keep loving yourself, and I think it helps it spread. And I don't mean in that Instagram way. Just you know - be yourself and go about your bits. You'll probably change more people than you know. Especially if you're trans-presenting in any way. But ALSO BE SAFE BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE ASSSHOLESSSSS!!!!

p.s. - new channel. Gunna check it out. xoxo!

I appreciate reading this as we don't get to hear everything our son is going through. He does try to explain, but others perspectives are very helpful. Please keep sharing.

I spoke with a lovely individual who's young son came out as trans only recently. And she said she was going through this whole mourning phase because of it. And while I am not a parent, and have not lived this experience I think it'd probably be pretty important to connect with other parents of trans individuals. Especially if your child is younger (as in, not an adult but a dependent). Because there's many levels of support you can offer depending on what you guys feel comfortable doing and what local laws look like. But also I think it's important to connect with others who can help you guys navigate through this as peers. Because they can help you in a way that no book, online article, or even your own loved ones can. Because they've been there, and are doing that. I'm not sure what you have locally, but I bet you there's support groups online if you cannot find one locally. The only other thing I could say in this department is it's important to not only love your kid but also advocate for them. Because a lot of trans living can be mental gymnastics. And it can deplete an individual raw, and unfortunately there is a higher rate of suicide with trans-youth as compared to their counterparts. And I'm not saying this is always the case, but it is something to be aware of. As for queer news, if you're interested in poking around - there's Them "Magazine" - which is really good about covering all spectrums of queer life including transpeople. Either way, way to be supportive. On the low-low and this is just some crunchy opinion stuff (sorry ladies ;_:!) it seems a lot easier for transmen to transition than transwomen. Which I think is mainly due to testosterone poisoning and women being held to higher standards of beauty societally. Not that any of it's a cakewalk, but I have seen things be easier long-term for the transmen in my life. They just kinda "dude up" get top-surgery and live queer lives.

That mourning bit peaked my interest. My father wrote me a letter in which he exclusively focused on me somehow dying or being in a far off country. That was so strange to me cuz I'm like 30km away 🤔

What she told me was that she (who is clearly a wonderful liberal and open human being and like 10/10 just absolutely WONDERFUL human being) had to mourn the death of her "daughter" because she now had a son. And even though logically she knew that it was what was right for him. That he was his own person, and that he had the right to choose. He was still young (dependent) and she did have some stipulations to his transition (in that she wanted him to hold off on hrt until he was 18 years of age). But this isn't a surprise in itself - as I have actually heard of many trans individuals of my generation coming out to their loved ones and being asked the same thing. And I know there is some science behind it in the sense that people say that getting it too early can be detrimental to one's health. But likewise, I haven't seen a young transperson who was on treatment who wasn't just happy and healthy.

But it's not really my place to talk, as I myself am technically "trans" (genderqueer) but absolutely do not believe I belong to the circle of individuals who need far more support than I. That's not to say I am a separatist. I just think people like me dilute the brand so to speak. I'm am who I am, and I am not in a space of flux. Mind you, I've gotten the short end of the stick a handful of times due to gender-politics I can mostly hold my own against the battle for my very existence. BUT! I totally got lost here. I guess I'll state that I have been doing gender-play since I came out around twenty-years ago. My best friend and I are both queer as hell, so I've always been the mister of our dynamics and he the missus. But also gender is stupid, because we were playing with it (hence the genderqueer) but I cannot tell you how many times I got the "who's the man?" question whenever I was dating someone and half the calls came from inside the building. (So fuck gender rolls!)

BUT! Back to the mourning. She just basically expressed (and I have a strong belief that most individuals alive will have their strongest primal connection to their mothers as long as it's formed because I think the entire process is incredibly taxing and very primal and enforces strict bonds between the mother and the child) that she felt like she had lost her daughter. And that she felt like it was akin to her daughter dying. And you know how parents have dreams and expectations for their kids, I am guessing those had to dry up (as I have seen it happen in my own space). And that she had to now meet up with her son - who has been here all along, but in hiding. And has to basically learn someone new, regardless of the logic being that her son was always himself and the daughter was the mask. Because emotions don't give a toot about logic. But I can say that I lived through something similar (yet less radical) when an ex of mine told me he was trans. I've dated transfolks across the spectrum, but I was taken aback by this. It kinda blindsided me. And logically, I know he's trans and people are who they say they are and I respect that. It just seemed so out of left field for me, and I had to sort of mourn who he was (didn't tell a soul until now -hi internet!) even though I was full-steam ahead for him - because I want to be supportive with the people I love.

You must be going through a lot.

When it comes to parenting all I can say is that there is no way you won't screw up. What really matters is to have these moments of genuine unconditional love, and they'll take that with them into the world.

I'd recommend giving the series Pose by FX a try. It's the only media I have ever watched that managed to express what gender dysphoria is like to people who don't experience it.

Feel free to ask questions. If it is more comfortable to you, I am also available for pm on matrix.

Not at all, seriously, we are all in a good place now. Our son went through alot, and we went for the ride as well, but the medical & government sponsored support in Spain is absolutely amazing...the first big boost was when his name changed and he got the official paperwork stating so, before even the US gov.

I just like to get more insight without being overbearing and intruding on his privacy. I appreciate pist like yours and others and really judt wsnt to encourage others to share as well!

Love to you all!

Nice! You must have seen Veneno?

I'm actually building a bicycle rn to cycle from the nl down to you guys!

Our kids were just in NL on a trip up north, what a beautiful country!

Bring sunscreen!

Covid. For the first time I understood that a lot of people simply do not care about anyone but themselves. I've come to understand that more and more recently. On the bright side, I now value the people who do a lot more.

I learned this at a much younger age thanks to my step father and mother. Though it never really set in or was actioned on until much later in my 20s when I was out of their reach/strings.

Nothing yet, unfortunately. I've been in trouble so many times. I never learn.

I'm almost afraid to type this, but I think it's gonna take a serious incident to change me.

I'm not violent, I'm not a thief, I'm not a pervert. I refuse to hurt, or put anyone at risk of being hurt. I just make dumb decisions that affect me.

If you find that you're having trouble always making "dumb" decisions you might want to get yourself checked out for ADHD. Because I myself have it, and medicated and unmediated isn't a SEA of difference, but it does help. Likewise, someone I know also has it and really harmed themselves with their impulse control. They kept pushing it further and further - until like you said. They're also medicated now, and while they still need to push it (I think it's hardwired) - their level of what pushing it is has come down dramatically.

Me too and got my diagnosis which at least put those incidents into perspective and gave me help that would actually make a difference instead of just trying to judge myself into “being better” or “normal”.

Y, every piece I get of the puzzle better helps understand why I couldn't just be a "good little girl" so to speak. Nothing is written in a language I totally get and I am just trying my best to squiggle my way through life as a whole. One big thing I can say though, is that if you don't understand certain things you can always ask for further clarification. Write everything down that's important, because it could be gone in the blink of an eye. And don't let people take the reigns of your health. Advocate for yourself, and know that you're just one of a billion folks they see so your meet ups are way more important to you than them. Even if they're big old bleeding heart types (which is rare because it's pretty counter the skeptical analytical process necessary to work in the medical field).

9/11. Everything was acceptable until then. Not great, but not horrible.

Is this South Park (was this South Park!?) - or is this legit. Because 9/11 really did change everything. Between that and the shooters shortly after I was out. But tbh, Islamophobia raised through the roof at that time and I am not sure it ever went back down. We also lost any sense of security, seemingly for the rest of our lives. But I also think cheap consumer electronics really changed things on the whole. As I do not see anyone outside of the occasional "outdoorsperson" living particularly healthy lives. Even when they're living healthy lifestyles. Perhaps on account of some combination of higher population, but lesser third-spaces too. Eh!

What do you mean by "acceptable". People accepted a lot more?

As in it was fine. Presently everything is less than fine.

When I was 6 years old, an older kid pressured me into smoking a cigarette. I didn't get sick or anything. I just didn't like it and decided one was enough. Never knew the best decision of my life would be made at that age.

I dig this, six year olds are way more self-aware than I think a lot of folks know they are. Which is why I believe transfolks when they say the knew their gender around that age (4-6). When I was six I was forced to kiss a guy and like...I don't know anyone out here kissing guys period - but most def was not my bag. And then just a year later I had my first crush, and it was on this freakin' absolutely enamoring soccer player who seemed to have all the answers to life (even though she as like...a year older than me). But yeah, spoiler there, she was a gal. Eh, I don't think someone forcing me to kiss a boy turned me gay, but I def think my gay ass didn't want to kiss a boy =P!

Also I had a friend who told me they'd run around all over Spain and smoke cigarettes that people tossed down to be macho. And then I saw on Vice those poor Indonesian kids throwing down on smokes. Broke my heart. So yeah, while we are more self-aware than I think people recognize there's still very clearly a small mind that needs help being shaped and formed =P

I mean, my dad dying when I was a preteen, is the thing that stands out. Pretty much everything that's happened since then has been shaped by his death in some way, everything from my philosophy and politics, to my material hardships, to my heroes and role models, to the way I clean my teeth, to the places I've been and people I've met and media I've enjoyed, and even to the ways I relate to gender, family, work, nationality and language, and society in general, and that's certainly not an exhaustive list, and all of these things go into each other as well.

I'm not sure if something so profoundly impactful on every facet of one's life can be described as "for better or worse", though, rather than that it simply is what it is...

you piqued my curiosity with the teeth thing, what's that?

To spare the more morbid details, I somehow got it into my head that my dad died because he'd been "poisoned by accidentally swallowing mouthwash". And so I stopped using mouthwash because I was scared that it would kill me "too". Eventually this came up in conversation with my mom, and she told me that I was mistaken — but I just never really got back into using mouthwash despite that reassurance. I think a part of this was just that I associated mouthwash with my dad so strongly that using it without him was too uncomfortable.

It's funny what small details kids latch onto and carry with them for the rest of their lives. If it helps, you should check out the song "What about Mouthwash?" by the late Trevor Moore

Interesting thought. So perhaps had I been pressured later in life, I might have been a smoker.

Maybe? It's an awful thing to quit and I'm glad you were never into it.

I used the toilet earlier.

Was it good?

As someone currently using the toilet let me tell you.

It's pretty ok.

10/10 - would recommend =)?

Hahaha! Didn't see that last bit. Just remember don't sit there for too long at least so says reddit or you will die of hemmeroidal overdose.