Why do people keep asking where I'm from?

Shampoo_Bottle@lemmy.ca to Asklemmy@lemmy.ml – 101 points –

Up until I started working, I didn't really encounter that question. When I did start working, people started asking me that question.

Them: Where are you from?

Me: Canada.

Them: Where are your grandparents from?

Me: Canada.

Them: Ok, where are your great grandparents from?

Me: Canada.

It's irritating sometimes. I just want to exist, do my job and go home, like anyone else. Once is ok, twice is odd, three times is weird, and the fourth time is a pattern.

The only accent that I might have would probably be from Newfoundland, Canada, as I grew up with a lot of people from there. I also talk too fast sometimes.

Have you had similar experiences, and if so, how did you handle it? Can fast speech patterns cause this? Why do random people care so much?

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Asking where you are from is pretty normal conversation, especially if you have a noticeable accent. Asking where your parents/grandparents/etc are from is less common. Are you by chance not-white? Sometimes these sorts of questions have a race element to them

Yeah, asking where someone's from is completely normal but asking where their parents/family is from automatically sets off some racism red flags

Asking where someone’s from is already racist. As white, no one ask me where I am from, or only in late conversation for specific reason. My non-white wife get this question every single time she met a new person.

I think I look pretty white, tbh

Well you either look or sound funny/different. I'd say since you get asked about grandparents etc it's not sound, so you don't look local Canadian.

You say you look "pretty" white, that's like how "not really" isn't a "no".

This is often a proxy for a different question.

And that question is "why isn't your skin the same colour as mine?"

Well, if he's from Canada (as I am, no hate!), the answer is "We get like 4 hours of sunlight per day here." I wear shades to block the glare of my own reflection in the snow.

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It's also a form of othering. You are different and they are establishing why

Why is your skin colour the same as mine?

Fucking poser

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they're trying to figure out your race or whatever

He says in another comment that he's a white newfie, so, doubtful, unless he now lives in like, Kolkata. More likely, he has a slight accent or is just upset about small talk.

As a white guy myself, white all kinds of people constantly ask things like "where you from," in the same cadence of "nice weather we're having, huh?" It's a part of getting to know people, what's your name, where you from, what kind of music you into, etc. I don't think they're trying to find out if I am originally of Saxon or Angle stock, I think they're just trying to make small talk.

I would agree with you in when they ask where you’re from. Once they start asking where your parents and grandparents are from they’re trying to figure out your race. I also agree with you as a white guy I don’t usually get extra probing but there are a few, mostly older, that are trying to figure out what specific type of white. It occasionally ends with a comment about how some group isn’t really white even though they have light skin.

If he's white, as he says, and at least in my experience, nobody is trying to figure out our "race." It's "white" lol, nobody questions it. That and white to white nobody is ashamed to straight up say "what is your ancestry" because no white people (except maybe OP) get offended by it, they always just answer "mostly Irish with a bit of English" or "German, French, English" or "Serbian" or whatever, especially in a "melting pot" country like the US or CAN, so if they wanted to know they'd just ask, between white people that question (regarding ethnic background/ancestry) is as innocuous as "what'd you have for breakfast."

I'm betting he has an accent, and they were asking where he was from but he gave an obviously cold/strange answer, and they didn't know where to go from there. They should have just realized that OP was sort of hostile and doesn't want to talk, and ended it there, yes, but they probably weren't trying to be "racist" to someone who ostensibly is just "a white guy who says aboot, eh."

Idk where you're from, but in America the only people alive when that type of racism was prevalent are ~100yr old. Maybe some old WWII vets still hate the Italians, but mostly, even in my conservative southern location, nobody cares who the "real whites" are. I've even met and argued with actual racists who actually hate POCs and even they still accept all forms of "white," even "white hispanic or latinos."

if someone says something about the weather or my weekend I tell them I have to take a shit

Might as well just start calling them a cunt for talking to you, that'll sure as shit get em to stop.

That's exactly what it is.

Light haired white people don't generally recieve this type of question.

I mean, there is a chance that somewhere along the way someone was sneaky, so 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like the correct answer to the question is Newfoundland, if it isn’t the accent it is probably some regional colloquialisms.

When someone asks me where I am from I normally say the city / province. I would never answer Canada while I was in Canada having the conversation.

Exactly, that's just a weird non social answer

Also some Newfies I’ve met have an odd mix of Irish/Scottish/Canadian accent that really threw me the first time I heard it.

I’m not from Canada (but within 1/2 day drive or less my whole life), but I think if the first answer I got was Canada, the next question I might ask would be what part/province?

They're either making conversation or racist, depending on context. Answering the country you're from if you're currently in that country is pretty odd.

But that is the answer to the question. I'm not understanding the alternative. If the person wants to ask, "What race are you?" They should ask using those words.

I can't recall a time ever needing to know anyone's race. So I've never asked this question in 50 years, but perhaps one day? Idk, seems like a potentially insensitive question.

I don't think being interested in the (ancestors') race of a co-worker is necessary racist. I worked with people with all kinds of cultural backgrounds and it might be just an interesting topic to talk about. If someone has family in Iran, Senegal or Indonesia that's definitely more interesting to me than a conversation about weather or last night's football game.

Definitely agree with this. I'll try to ask this in order to connect with their culture (such as with traditional cooking), but I can see why someone would have their guard up when asked. It's all about intentions

Personally when someone asks me where I'm from, I respond in order of:

A) if I'm in my home city, I tell them the province I grew up in (because I came from a small town I would never expect anyone to know, if it was a big city I'd say that.)

B) If I'm away from my home city in my home province, I tell them my home city.

C) if I'm away from my home province, I tell them my home province.

D) if I'm away from Canada I'll tell them I'm from Canada

E) if based on context it seems they're asking about my ethnic background, I tell them I'm some kind of western/northern European mutt.

Now obviously I'm white as hell and no accent, but OP is saying they're basically that as well, so I'm not sure why race would be the assumption for them either. I don't even know how I would respond if i asked someone at work where they're from and they answered Canada.

It is not the only answer to the question. "I'm from Saskatoon! Or "I live in the northwest" are also valid options. You just picked the first one that came to your head, maybe assumed racism, and didn't think of any other possibility. Maybe it was racism. Maybe they just wanted to all and get to know you. Regardless, you were probably as awkward to them as they were to you.

I think asking where someone is from is a pretty universal way to mean, “What ethnicity are you?”.

Usually, you can understand someone’s question based on the context. Your question, for example, “What race are you?” Is not specific enough. I could answer, “I’m not a race, I’m a person, but I enjoy competing in races.”

So just use context clues to understand a persons question and answer the question if you feel like it.

As a mixed third generation immigrant, I get this a lot. In my experience, most people want to know my ethnicity, but for some reason they never ask me that directly.

Yeah but that’s a somewhat sensitive topic. Asking for the region of origin might mean the same thing in practice, but asking someone what "breed" they are is very inappropriate.

Because it's none of their business and it's a tad racist, and they know racism is bad but they don't want to look as bad people.

It's not racist to be interested in where somebody is from.

It is if you assume that someone is from somewhere else because they don't look like you.

No, but it can be outright rude.

Can be, absolutely. But there is nothing inherently wrong with it. One just needs to know some tact.

One just needs to know some tact.

"Just"? Tact is very infrequent in certain locations. I'd even say that common decency is.

It's not racist to ask about ethnicity.

It would be racist to ask about ethnicity and then discriminate based on the response.

We can easily assume the reason.

Specially if the person asking is from a certain countries where such a question is almost invariably racist.

You really can’t. If I ask one of my Indian co-workers what part of India they are from, I’m not trying to figure out where they land in the caste system. Indian-Americans know this, and because of them now I know why someone would avoid volunteering that information. There’s no one size fits all reaction here. Maybe they are super well informed racists that know specific regional race/classism, but I think more often than not, westerners are asking it just like they’d ask favorite sports, foods, leisure activities and so on.

So are you autistic? Because the literal-mindedness of your answers and the lack of awareness of how to engage in small talk is telling. I say this as one on the spectrum myself; it took me a long time to understand this is just an attempt to establish social connections by finding points of commonality. "Oh, you're from Calgary? I used to live there, too! Did you know a store called Myth Games?" Neurotypical people are also waiting for you to ask the same things in return and often feel miffed if you don't show any curiosity about them.

Also autistic. I had the same thought about OP.

Before building my mask I was very similar (and probably pissed a lot of NTs off too lol).

I was in my 50s before I started understanding this stuff. Before that, I was married to a very gregarious man who was my social buffer. I could hide behind his small talk. But then he passed away and I was left twisting in the wind until I started to learn how to make small talk. Often I just ask myself what my husband would have said.

I was late diagnosed discovered as well. Early 30s.

I have a decent mask built up but it is really exhausting so I try not to use it if I don't have to.

On thing I've found about small talk is, people love to be told what day it is. Like they ask you "how's it going?" and you say back "well it sure is a Tuesday!" It's actually amusing how well it works.

That's good advice for someone who has a more outgoing partner who knows how to small talk.

I don't know if this applies to this kind of question though. If you ask someone where they're from and they say Canada and you want more you would say "what part" not start going up the generations

I might or might not be. I was tested as a child, but my parents were told that I had ADHD. They could have been wrong, though. I'll keep my mind open and maybe get checked out again at some point though.

I would agree with you about the small talk thing, but I could also argue that some people just suck at small talk. ADHD, trauma, behavioural diagnosis, etc could all be a cause. I would also argue that most people would pick up on someone avoiding a topic. If I get one worded answers, I'll usually move on to the next thing or I'll let that person be. I won't usually keep asking someone the same question in different ways if I don't get an answer the first couple of times haha.

Why would you say Canada? Is Canada homogenous from coast to coast? If I'm talking to people and getting to know where they are from zero of them say "america," because that doesn't give any information whatsoever, what do you even expect them to respond with? "Wow I'm from canada too!"

The follow up question could have been "where in Canada", but it decidedly wasn't

I think they want to know why they ask at all?

Because it is a standard getting to know you question in offices?

It's more uncommon not to be asked that question at some point.

I spent a lot of time working with vendors, it was a standard small talk question while waiting for meetings to start excreta..

I would say Canada because I'm multiple generations deep and it feels the most accurate.

I'm a white Australian and I get asked this all the time. Mostly they're just trying to make conversation and since most people at work are migrants it's a natural conversation starter. Sometimes they are looking to remind me that the only real Australians are the indigenous peoples and I am, therefore, British. This what you get labelled if you say your background is English/Irish lol. My favourite was being called British by a mixed German/Brazilian who insisted he was Spanish.

In countries with a lot of immigration and diversity I think it's natural for people to talk about this. I like hearing about what life was like for people in Tibet, or Myanmar, Eritrea, Cook Islands etc. I don't think it carries the same level of racist connotations as it used to. How are we supposed to have cultural exchange if we can't talk about our backgrounds?___

And besides, more and more people from around the world are going to be going to other places around the world to find better opportunities. It's gonna be ramping up exponentially if we don't at least try to get a handle on climate change.

It's just a standard office getting to know you small talk thing. You'll get used to it.

FYI, they were looking for you to actually talk and engage with them, not a one word answer. Tell them what part of Canada, that your family was part of the Canada-US wars and locked the US's. And most importantly, ask them something in return...

Skating it once might be standard. But asking where the grandparents are from is kind of strange

Maybe, but they were probably thrown off or annoyed by his weird one word answer. Replying "Canada" when you're in Canada is just strange.

OP says this has happened multiple times though

But asking where the grandparents are from is kind of strange

Yeah, that's almost always a question based on racism.

After the second time you should just respond "don't overthink it"

I'm swedish and living in France and I get that question a lot (but not about my parents/grandparents wtf?)

If cute girl: you have to guess! Then get very fake outraged if she says Germany etc. Friendly banter ensues.

Otherwise it's just people who want to chit chat with you so just roll with it and expect the classic jokes (for me it's IKEA, Volvo, surströmming...).

I have a long time friend who complains about this kind of behavior. Friend is a Creek Indian living in the Muskogee Creek Nation in Oklahoma. That's about as native-born and indigenous as you can get.

Unfortunately, her skin is somewhat less than lily-white, and that just seems to bring out the dumbasses.

I've watched a lot of Canadian TV and worked with a lot of Canadians and the Newfy accent is pretty distinct, even in Canada. If you've just got a touch of it you might sound vaguely Irish or Scottish. That would explain why people are asking where you're from.

Why are you asking us instead of them? Surely they would know.

Oh

"Wait, where am I now!? Where are we!?"

Anyone who’s asked you four times where you’re from is not paying attention.

I would imagine they're trying to ask what someone's ethnicity is but forgot the word for it.

Where are your great great grandparents from?

Mainly Canada, with two from Britan and France

Not gonna lie. I’m legitimately curious about how many levels of Canadian this goes. Does it go deeper than 4 levels down? Indigenous?

I think beyond that, it's mostly from Europe but I'm not certain

Newfoundland has a very particular accent, do you speak with a strong accent?

I have a classic NZ voice as well as a tan and get asked this often because I'm in the most Caucasian place outside of Europe (I'll let you guess). Half the time they don't even assume where I'm from because they don't have enough education about the world to hold any stereotypes about me (which makes them draw a blank about countries), which ironically gives me the freedom to respond however I want.

the most Caucasian place outside of Europe (I’ll let you guess)

Georgia!

A lack of education on a certain accent and/or look might also trigger honest curiosity in people, as opposed to racism. But I guess the way people ask you background questions reveal their agenda.

Yes and no. They have a highly exclusive mindset, insisting people with their roots here going generations back are priority number one and newcomers like me are priority number two, but no, they're not outright racist or hostile or anything, just by far not welcoming. Though that itself isn't the best thing in the world. Last year was a huge year for natural disasters and they only worried about me after I had survived, not while I was trying to survive, perhaps because to them I'm a stock human who "asked for the life".

because I'm in the most Caucasian place outside of Europe (I'll let you guess)

🤔

Israel?

No, thankfully. I thought the boundaries of Europe extended further East than Israel.

I get asked this a lot, because my accent is dissimilar from the area I live now. I think if people were more familiar with the area I'm from, they'd ask where my parents are from because my accent and terms are a weird mix of the two places.

"Why do you ask?"

...

"Why do you feel entitled to an answer?"

...

They'll figure it out.

Random people care because they were taught to care. Scared people see anyone who looks different as a threat. It starts there.

If you're now in Australia, it is polite to ask "where y'from" as a starter convo, as knowing who your mob are is part of getting to know you. An Aussie would find the answer [insert country name here] as pretty standoffish (sort of an "I don't want to talk about it or be friends with you" answer) but if they were determined to get to know you they might then ask patiently "where in Canada?" or ask about the part of Canada you might originate from, knowing it is a large place. This helps them to understand who you are and work better alongside you in big projects in future. Unfriendly people aren't really worth working with or helping out if the going gets tough.

Think of it this way: If you have spoken four words to someone "Canada" and "why do you ask?" they are less motivated to cover your shift. If they know you are from that cool place with several excellent bands and a beautiful landscape and you often chat about whales or whatever, they might try to help you out. Also, how cold and bleak your life would be without the occasional conversation with someone at least once a day. Many people live alone.

How do you first get to know your work colleagues? Ask about a sport or the weather? Or ask about something else? Is small talk and office acquaintances not a thing where you are from?

Seems like if the follow up question is "where are your parents from" they're really asking about genetic heritage

When my white colleagues get asked "this", it's more "are you a local boy/girl?" (just country things...). When my non-white colleagues get asked "where are you from?", they're not satisfied with a location somewhere in Australia.

Apparently, for a lot of white Australians, you need to be white to be Australian.

I don't make a big deal about it.It's just a small talk question like any other. I just answer that i'm half canadian, half tunisian. I was born in Canada but at 2 years old i lived in tunisia till 18 and went back to Canada

Do you have an unusual or oddly spelled surname?

I do. It's by marriage, and coworkers sometimes awkwardly ask about it. It won't be the first question they ask - because that would be weird, but it often comes up if it sort of fits the conversation.

I was actually in a similar situation where I wasn't too good with my native tongue so people would constantly ask where I'm from. It's not malicious, people just assume you're not from here if your accent is different.

Your native tongue is the one you grew up speaking. This isn't always the same as the language predominantly spoken by your ancestors.

I did grow up speaking it, I'm just better with my 2nd language.

What kind of job?

People ask me where I’m from a lot because they can’t place my accent, but I don’t think it’s different at work than elsewhere.

I worked a phone line for awhile and people asked where I was from sometimes, but not the whole grandparents spiel.

Oh my goodness. I am pretty much garden variety white, fair skin, blue eyes, dark hair, but mom's dad was half native American or Mexican (such a brutal upbringing he never talked about them so she didn't know for sure beyond "Oklahoma"), she looked more native in features, I got some of that and what I got asked down here when young is "what are you?"

It may be your accent but maybe it's your looks. I think just responding, "Canada, what about you?" is correct.

As to why people care, I don't rightly know. Maybe they think you might like to talk about it, or like to put people in boxes or don't know you and are trying awkwardly to make small talk.

I never know how to answer this. I grew up till middle school in Canada and the rest of my school in India. I rarely get dentist with many Indian traditions, but I also didn’t spend enough time in Canada to be a “real” Canadian.

I just flip a coin in my head and answer each time. And then get the follow-up asking where my parents are from. Just ask my race, you coward.

What IS a real Canadian, though? I know some immigrants who love this country much more than some of the people who were born here.

Many of us are also only here from our ancestors immigrating. How far down the line does one have to be to be a real Canadian? You can't judge that by DNA, either.

Are you still in Canada. If you're in America it's probably because people are looking for something to hate you for.