The 3 H’s.
When someone in your life comes up to you with a problem, you either figure out, or ask them; if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped.
A lot of the time when someone is venting at you, they just want to be heard and understood, and I’m the type of man to want to immediately fix the issue, and it’s a bit invasive and often off the mark, so I reign myself in and ask them if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped. More often than not, they just want to vent and don’t want me butting in with solutions to their issues.
So the next time someone confides in you, take a step back and analyse how you should respond going forward, it really helped me understand more.
Wow great advice and also works in Italian if you change H with A: Abbracciare, Ascoltare, Aiutare.
Love this idea. It's an idea that's easy to break down to children as well, help them narrow down their options when someone is talking to them.
This is one that will stick with me for sure.
Damn good advice. Thank you for that
"You're an adult. You get to enjoy whatever you like."
Stuffed animals? Legos? Video games? Cartoons? I've been made fun of all my life for liking "stupid stuff" or "kid stuff" (even as a kid).
I pay my taxes. I've lived life long enough to know that I deserve to be happy. What kind of miserable shit-head would make fun of me enjoying something? Someone whose opinion has no value to me, that's who.
Thanks, I needed to hear that. The voice in my head not allowing me to enjoy "stupid things" is sometimes unbearable
If it brings you joy, it's definitely not stupid.
I look back and regret not embracing things I had interest in.
I was made fun of for my Pokémon cards so I threw them away. I was told that my drawings are weird so I stopped. After being constantly told that video games were "a stupid waste of time" and that I "should be doing something productive", I boxed them up and gave them away.
Now Pokémon cards are cool and there are worldwide tournaments. I look wistfully at talented artists & animators and wish I hadn't given up. Video games can now be considered "art" and are openly enjoyed by so many.
I'm too old to let others dictate what I should & shouldn't like. I wear fun clothes, collect stuffed animals, nerd out over Zelda lore, paint miniatures for DnD games. Why? Because I enjoy it and I deserve to be happy in what I like.
I hope that you will one day feel that you are able to enjoy things openly, too.
Chin up. Enjoy your happiness.
some adults enjoy making fun of other people. they are often miserable shit-heads of course, but let them enjoy their hobby too. doesnt hurt to be able to laugh at yourself.
No, fuck that. That's like the paradox of tolerance or free speech - "tolerate the intolerant," "hate speech is free speech."
I liked how someone else put it a few months ago: tolerance comes with a contract: tolerate everyone. If you break this contract, you're OUT.
So, yeah. I'll live and let you live - as long as you don't step on my toes. As soon as that happens, I'll tell you to fuck right off (not you, OP, but that 'miserable adult making fun of me.')
Of course, if the other party is just being genuinely and harmlessly funny, that's another story.
Nah. They can get fucked.
My father once told me that as soon as you notice that you're tipsy it's time to ease down.
Even if you stop immediately you're going to continue getting more drunk from the alcohol sitting in your stomach waiting to be absorbed.
Wise words that have really stuck with me and definitely helps on nights out.
I stopped drinking like 10 years ago and i find it fascinating how hard it is to just stop drinking. I never really liked the taste of alcohol, so i had kind of a hard time to get tipsy, but then it snowballed. I talked about this with my frinds who were bigger drinkes than me often. The conversation was always like:" you know how you get drunk, having a grand old time, and instead of stopping, you just keep going, and it's never getting better, just worse?" And we often tried to stay in the sweet spot, but everything ALWAYS went out of control, well knowing that it's gonna end up bad.
Oof, that's rough. Congratulations on staying off the drink for 10 years though. That's really solid work. Very impressive.
I personally can keep myself in the sweet spot all night and well into the next morning and almost never get messy and truly believe it's down to that "Ease down, son. You've a stomach full of booze to come" that pops into my head.
"Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed".
It's an inversion of the saying that ends in "worth doing well", and it sticks with me because it's genuinely good advice.
Like, turning in a half-completed assignment for a failing grade is way less harmful to one's GPA than failing to turn in anything and taking a "0". I might not have the energy after work to do all of my laundry, but knocking out one load is still better than none. Frozen dinners might not be healthy, but skipping meals would be worse.
You can't whole-ass everything all the time, but half-ass is better than no-ass. 😸
I think this is Boeing's philosophy
Being late for work is better than not showing up at all.
It also helps overcome the paralysis of perfection.
Sometimes just producing something will do far more to help you improve than any amount of prep work. Do a half arsed job, then figure out where you actually need to improve it. By that point you will have a lot more momentum to keep working on it, and a lot more idea where to focus.
This is fantastic advice, especially for anyone with depression.
Fully agreed.
With depression it's more of a lethargy paralysis. It makes you feel like it's too hard, and not worth all the effort. Once you are moving , it becomes more obvious how hollow that feeling is. It often doesn't go away, but can be fought against. I suspect it's why exercise is helpful for some, but not others. It helps get you into the mindset of doing things. When it's mild enough, this can shatter the false walls on your mind.
Yeah, that's definitely been my experience of it. I read somewhere that the evolutionary basis for it is to prevent action when previous action has had consistently bad outcomes. It encourages hiding until external conditions improve. And apparently it's the same for most animals. Appropriately tragic, isn't it?
Ultimately, humans are quite poorly designed for modern life. Our minds haven't significantly changed since we were chasing herbivores across the savannah. Our bodies never even finished coming down from the trees. The fact we function as a modern society is actually quite impressive.
Depression is likely a bunch of different instincts and survival methods messing each other up. It's likely got ties to hiding. It also likely has got ties to hibernation, along with 101 other minor instincts that can no longer serve their original purpose.
I do know that "learned helplessness" is common to most mammals. Rats can show it, along with depression, when conditions get weird enough. It makes sense as a fall back. Huddle down and save energy until something changes for the better.
One of our biggest advantages is our rational brain. Stopping our own instincts is like trying to stop a goods train. What we can do is be smart. We can reach in and tweak the controls, change the signals. It's hard, particularly with things like depression clouding our thoughts. But it can be done.
I am a ghost in the machine, inside of a bodged together biological computer, piloting a poorly designed meat mech. It's completely absurd, but if I don't take control of it, who the hell will?
"Is this gonna matter at your funeral?" A friend asked me this once.
Questions the gravity of the circumstances, and how much you should care (if at all).
Will you really remember this event in five hours, or five days, or five years?
React accordingly. I’m not the best at it so I have to keep reminding my self of this.
"Make it easy for them to give you what you want"
There's a lot of ways to interpret that, and most of them help. For instance, if you're asking your boss for a raise, if you just say "Hey boss, gimme a raise" you're making it hard for them. If you say "I think I deserve a raise, here are multiple, documented, examples of where I've helped increase revenue/fix a problem that could have cost us/improved customer retention/etc" then you're making it easier for them because they have a list of positives to justify it.
Generally if you're asking a question you need an answer to, or for something in particular, spend a little time thinking about the request from the other person's point of view. What do they need to be able, and inclined, to help you? When you know that, make sure you supply it.
I've found it to be a powerful way of approaching discussions, and it can make a lot of situations make more sense when you realize one party didn't do it and didn't get what they want.
Sometimes, of course, making it easy to give you what you want just means making any other outcome harder instead. >:)
This was given to me during a Process Safety class in college, and I'll never forget it: in the workplace, "Always have a stupid-question buddy." Try your best to direct your questions to someone who's not your boss as you learn the ropes. That way, you can be comfortable asking those questions on basics that really need to be asked in order to do your job properly, and not look like an idiot to the person that performs your performance reviews.
Salvador Dalí: 'Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.'
I wish I would have heard this quote much sooner... I usually like to flesh out my projects/ideas from the start and it feels unoriginal or boring when it's too derivative of other work... But everything is derivative of something. Being afraid of being "unoriginal" should never stop you from creating, or at least trying. A lot of the time the "unoriginal" work pays great homage to the original work and really does transform the result to something new and vibrant
This is gonna sound dumb af but meh.
"Don't be scared of it"
The context was flipping eggs for the first time because I was being too cautious about breaking the yolk. My coworker said it in passing and probably never thought of it again but over the years it's translated into a lot of stuff.
So yeah, don't be scared of it.
I was going to share mine from my aunt until I saw this is... basically the same thing!
"Don't let fear control your decisions."
It's just the context was trauma & not eggs lol.
This sounds like a different flavor of "just do it"
I actually do not remember where I heard this, but I was unhappy at one of my past workplaces, and I felt like nothing made sense anymore. The purpose of my job, the product, the people... I would ask why or seek deeper understanding and received nothing back.
The advice was "when no one has your back, it's time to move your back".
It stuck with me because it applies to friends, family, work, and life in general. If you do not feel supported and able to give support back mutually then it's time to place yourself in a situation more beneficial for you and those around you.
It doesn't place blame, it's simply a validation statement - you feel x, so do y.
My no nonsense easten European coworker once said "If you have even one red flag about your relationship, get out and don't look back. Don't waste your time." She's completely right. Get out before you get mired into a situation that'll never change.
One thing that Reddit did teach me is that work doesn't really matter and you shouldn't knock yourself out for any job, because they'd replace you in a heartbeat and will underpay and micromanage you no matter how good a job you do.
Not sure that first bit of advice is a good blanket policy, but it depends on who's deciding how significant a negative trait must be to constitute a red flag. Some will take this advice to mean you should expect nothing short of perfection and that's just unrealistic. If you walk away from every flaw you find, you'll be alone. My partner and I have been together 13 years. We are well aware of each other's flaws, so we work on them and do what we can to mitigate the impact they have on our relationship. But we also both know that if either of us does something egregious that crosses the line, that ends the relationship. Unconditional love is stupid. There should always be conditions.
Anyway, I think it's useful to pair that advice with "know what your red flags are" so you can identify and separate the imperfections from the deal breakers.
I think red flag means something more extreme. Like not "can't handle failing" which is just human and more "act out in their failures by racking up their credit cards". Which is tactical manipulation.
Never threaten someone with something, if you cannot execute the threat.
That's great advice, and it pairs well with all the words of wisdom regarding not speaking or acting in anger.
Often people threaten in situations where they know they are powerless and cannot act, whether on a threat or anything else. When you have power and you know it, you act differently, more confidently, and as though you know nothing is lost by keeping the mouth shut until ready to act.
But your threats speak for you as well. They warn your opponent how and where you intend to strike them, should you ever be able to do so, and tell an observant enemy exactly how you think and what would frighten or piss you off, because that's what you're trying to do to them by threatening them.
Your entire appearance, tone of voice, and choice of words also tell an opponent a lot of the real truth about your immediate attitude and maturity level, and whether you're personally even worth changing their course to help.
Threats are a product of fear and anger, and are not nearly as threatening as the people making them think they are. If you want to threaten, act cool and confident. Laugh at them when they start getting flustered.
"Oh" and "heh, okay" are how to respond to threats being made to you, like they just don't matter and your real position is whatever pal, if it makes you feel better. This level of near-total non-response gives you time to evaluate the situation and do nothing you'll regret, or to do something later that you've planned out far better than making angry threats in the heat of the moment.
Threats are almost always the most stupid tactic there is. You're gonna call my boss and have my job? Not before I call him, lol. But thanks for letting me know. Have a nice day.
This is how threats telegraph weakness to people who are accustomed to holding power. If you want someone to know for sure you hold no cards, start whipping out threats.
TL;DR: Threats are best avoided until you are truly ready to act. And if you can't act, keep it shut until you can.
Well elaborated. I struggle with words, but this is on point
A good way of shifting your mentality if you're apprehensive about something like pursuing a change of career, a new hobby or whatever, is to ask yourself the question "what if it all worked out?".
It's a simple thing but it can completely alter how you approach things.
Not religious, but "Steady plodding bring prosperity".
All my life I have watched as many of those around me struggle to stay consistent in their lives, and have worse outcomes as a result.
Inconsistent with their savings habits.
Inconsistent in their employment efforts.
Inconsistent with their love lives.
Inconsistent with taking care of themselves.
Consistency provides a basis for better long term results. Very little success is possible in almost any endeavor without it.
Though I've found it personally frustrating to remain consistent in my own life, the benefits of doing so I have found to be exponential, although late and taken for granted by others who weren't consistent.
Another is:
"What are you willing to give up to get what you want?"
All too many things are zero-sum, and though consumer capitalist systems often pretend "you can have it all", you can't.
Honest reflection about what is most important to yourself, and what personal sacrifices are required to obtain your goal, makes the goal easier to obtain.
Many sacrifices that are needed are clear from the offset, but by being honest and willing before the endeavour, those future sacrifices are less traumatic. Other sacrifices pop up along the way, and it's important to re-evaluate at intervals whether your end goal is still worth it.
For love:
"Prequalify your spouse."
People lead with their hearts often where their heads can't follow.
Sure they may be attractive, or have an amazing personality, or be rich, but do you KNOW them?
Is their fading beauty or quick wit or checking balance able to really make up for their poor treatment of others, latent racism or sexism, politics, religious adherence, stance on having children, intention in the future to care for ailing family, or poor spending habits? What about if they believe it's appropriate to hit your future kids, or demand the kids are their religion, or can't be gay? What if they refuse to travel or relocate? What if they don't clean up after themselves or never take responsibility for their failings?
It is imperative to long term relationship success that you spend enough time for both partners to actually understand each other, because there is more to long term compatibility related to shared values than there is to sexual attraction.
Most often this advice results in people realizing they haven't given enough thought themselves to what and why they believe is the best way to live their own lives, and where those values came from.
I've got loads more, but those are a great start.
"everyone knows something that you don't." it helps me to not be an arrogant dick. People are good at something.
"everyone believes they're the hero of their own story" too many people are set on their ways and sometimes its best to realize that you can't change their mind. Just move on and don't get all worked up.
“If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”
A very practical rule of thumb, and I've no idea who told me it or if I've made it up myself, is: don't put your hand where you can't see it.
"Leadership is simple. Take care of your people and make a decision."
This is from a USAF Major who was once one of the first dudes in Afghanistan after 9/11, working with green berets when he was enlisted. He said that it's amazing how easy it can be to lose sight of those two basic things.
"An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is absolutely normal."
If you are in some hellish or unusually bad kind of situation and you're not able to keep your cool or stay positive or whatever your personal mental health goals are, it doesn't mean that you're insane.
It means you're human.
This is also exceptionally helpful to remember if you have to be around hypercritical, DARVOing, and/or chronically dishonest people who behave horribly then take any sign of emotional response on your part as an overreaction and proof of mental incompetence. Lol, no. If you weren't nuts before they started in on you, you're probably fine right now.
There is so much pressure these days for the sane among us to be 100% perfect in all respects all the time even as norms are crashing down all around us, and it's just not realistic or possible, much less healthy or true. So remember:
"An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is absolutely normal."
And then go take care of you as a priority for a little while, because you need some self-focus and self-care while you navigate whatever this is.
Hope this helps someone, because it's saved my ass countless times.
Remember landmarks when traveling. You'll know where you are once you see that landmark again. My dad told me that when we were out in the boat on the Pearl River once when I was a wee lad. I've never forgotten it and I am very good at navigation because of it I think.
With gps it's easy to let navigation skills slip but it's so important. I try to teach my relatives when opportunities come up.
I always try to look at a map before I go somewhere unfamiliar. Digital, paper doesn't matter and you don't really have to memorize anything in particular. Just know what way is north and the general lay of the land to build "shelves in your brain" as someone put it. Then when you see a landmark you've either seen it before on the map or know what "shelf" to put it on if that makes sense
If it is to be, it is up to me.
I was always tired of relying on others only to be let down and disappointed. I remember seeing a motivational poster in highschool and it stuck.
Don't set yourself alight to keep yourself warm. Not always easy, but it is something I believe. You can only do so much if someone isn't willing to help themself.
One more: vaccines are a miracle of science that save our lives and if you are an antivaxxer you are subscribing to weaponized disinformation and being a moron.
For anti-vaxxers, that probably isn't the only bad information that's circulating in their news algorithm.
Moisturize every day. Told to me by a very young looking 40 year old in a bathroom at a club when I was 16. Can confirm, am now around that age and I look late 20s.
And avoid the sun as much as you can, but not to the extent that you're vitamin D deficient of course.
Moisturize me!
Logic solves problems, emotions don’t. Wait for a cooler head before trying to resolve issues.
Logic is a terrible way to solve problems. We wasted thousands of years on it before we figured out empirical approaches are better.
Maintaining an additional girlfriend/wife as a control may prove difficult
Unfortunately logic doesn't solve emotional problems. Gifted and intelligent people are much more likely to be depressed and anxious.
I was diagnosed "gifted" in grade school, and those were the absolute worst years of my life. I'm still recovering from how much psychological and emotional damage I took on from that time. Emotional intelligence is real, and it should not be slept on.
However, as stress increases, so do norepinephrine levels. When norepinephrine is excessive, it stops activating those thinking parts of the brain[1] and instead starts activating the emotional parts of the brain.[2]
By dampening the ventromedial prefrontal cortex activity, stress inhibits the capacity to feel connected with others. People often become stuck in emotion-driven interpretations of events and are rapidly propelled into fight-or-flight mode, which limits our ability to respond flexibly and intentionally.[3]
I remember one time way back in high school some kids were making fun of some other kids for liking something, can't remember what it was. Teacher overhead what happened and stopped it, and told us: Imagine how boring the world would be, if everyone liked the same stuff. This one has always stuck with me.
My grandfather continually underscored to me that no matter what you try to do, even if it is a failure so to speak, you have learned. And you can carry what you've learned into your next effort, and be that much more strong and powerful. There is no shame in trying to invent something and discover that you are wrong, or start a business and not have it succeed, or try to approach something in a novel way and have it fall flat. That is the essence of how we learn and discover and grow.
Furthermore he taught me that you need to let people show you how to do things that you already know how to do. Everybody out there has a piece of priceless gold that they're just willing to hand to you, and all you have to do is be willing to listen. And accept that while we may know how to do something, there's always a better way.
"It doesn't matter what other people think of you."
"Always be yourself, no matter how hard that may be."
These are great. How did you learn these? How young were you? How do I teach this?
I actually learned those in reverse #2 first. I don't like fake people and learned that being your genuine self meant people actually knew the real you and liked that person. Pretending to be something/someone else meant you were liked for something you were not and when people realized that, they would have nothing to do with someone fake like that.
But being your true self 100% of the time means that you will have opinions, feelings, likes and hates that are different from others. Peer pressure to conform can be quite bad, depending on your age. So it's not always easy to stand by the genuine person that you are. But in the end it's 1000% worth it. I have zero regrets about that.
That led to #1 eventually. If you spend your life worrying about other people's opinions of you, you have no time to actually have your own opinion of yourself, or a life. Self respect is about actually being the person you want to be. Can You live with yourself based on your actions in life? Because You are the only one who has to live your life. Making decisions based on others opinions has it's place, but only when you decide that the person you are listening to has a valid respectful opinion. Respecting yourself first helps you learn to respect others. Knowing you are a good person and behaving like one makes it really easy to dismiss other people's opinions of you, especially when they are negative or misplaced.
Not sure how you would teach that. I only learned this by being around people that did the opposite of those two things and I decided I just didn't want to be that kind of horrible person.
This is the only life we get, and only you get to make the rules for yourself.
Someone suggested that I get a book called 'Discover What You Are Best At.' Linda Gail.
I was out after a job injury. I never liked any job I'd ever had. The book led me to a career I'd never considered.
Find a job you actually like. If you can wake up on a rainy Monday and not hate your life you've solved most of life's problems.
“Be where you are.”
"work smarter, not harder" Scrooge McDuck
Damn straight! But still no swimming pool full of money
"If you have a choice, move away for college."
That was almost 40 years ago, and it's still the best damned thing I ever did. It let me grow as a whole person.
Here's a rule of life: You don't get to pick what bad things happen to you.
The 3 H’s. When someone in your life comes up to you with a problem, you either figure out, or ask them; if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped.
A lot of the time when someone is venting at you, they just want to be heard and understood, and I’m the type of man to want to immediately fix the issue, and it’s a bit invasive and often off the mark, so I reign myself in and ask them if they want to be Hugged, Heard or Helped. More often than not, they just want to vent and don’t want me butting in with solutions to their issues.
So the next time someone confides in you, take a step back and analyse how you should respond going forward, it really helped me understand more.
Wow great advice and also works in Italian if you change H with A: Abbracciare, Ascoltare, Aiutare.
Love this idea. It's an idea that's easy to break down to children as well, help them narrow down their options when someone is talking to them.
This is one that will stick with me for sure.
Damn good advice. Thank you for that
"You're an adult. You get to enjoy whatever you like."
Stuffed animals? Legos? Video games? Cartoons? I've been made fun of all my life for liking "stupid stuff" or "kid stuff" (even as a kid).
I pay my taxes. I've lived life long enough to know that I deserve to be happy. What kind of miserable shit-head would make fun of me enjoying something? Someone whose opinion has no value to me, that's who.
Thanks, I needed to hear that. The voice in my head not allowing me to enjoy "stupid things" is sometimes unbearable
If it brings you joy, it's definitely not stupid.
I look back and regret not embracing things I had interest in.
I was made fun of for my Pokémon cards so I threw them away. I was told that my drawings are weird so I stopped. After being constantly told that video games were "a stupid waste of time" and that I "should be doing something productive", I boxed them up and gave them away.
Now Pokémon cards are cool and there are worldwide tournaments. I look wistfully at talented artists & animators and wish I hadn't given up. Video games can now be considered "art" and are openly enjoyed by so many.
I'm too old to let others dictate what I should & shouldn't like. I wear fun clothes, collect stuffed animals, nerd out over Zelda lore, paint miniatures for DnD games. Why? Because I enjoy it and I deserve to be happy in what I like.
I hope that you will one day feel that you are able to enjoy things openly, too.
Chin up. Enjoy your happiness.
some adults enjoy making fun of other people. they are often miserable shit-heads of course, but let them enjoy their hobby too. doesnt hurt to be able to laugh at yourself.
No, fuck that. That's like the paradox of tolerance or free speech - "tolerate the intolerant," "hate speech is free speech."
I liked how someone else put it a few months ago: tolerance comes with a contract: tolerate everyone. If you break this contract, you're OUT.
So, yeah. I'll live and let you live - as long as you don't step on my toes. As soon as that happens, I'll tell you to fuck right off (not you, OP, but that 'miserable adult making fun of me.')
Of course, if the other party is just being genuinely and harmlessly funny, that's another story.
Nah. They can get fucked.
My father once told me that as soon as you notice that you're tipsy it's time to ease down.
Even if you stop immediately you're going to continue getting more drunk from the alcohol sitting in your stomach waiting to be absorbed.
Wise words that have really stuck with me and definitely helps on nights out.
I stopped drinking like 10 years ago and i find it fascinating how hard it is to just stop drinking. I never really liked the taste of alcohol, so i had kind of a hard time to get tipsy, but then it snowballed. I talked about this with my frinds who were bigger drinkes than me often. The conversation was always like:" you know how you get drunk, having a grand old time, and instead of stopping, you just keep going, and it's never getting better, just worse?" And we often tried to stay in the sweet spot, but everything ALWAYS went out of control, well knowing that it's gonna end up bad.
Oof, that's rough. Congratulations on staying off the drink for 10 years though. That's really solid work. Very impressive.
I personally can keep myself in the sweet spot all night and well into the next morning and almost never get messy and truly believe it's down to that "Ease down, son. You've a stomach full of booze to come" that pops into my head.
"Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed".
It's an inversion of the saying that ends in "worth doing well", and it sticks with me because it's genuinely good advice.
Like, turning in a half-completed assignment for a failing grade is way less harmful to one's GPA than failing to turn in anything and taking a "0". I might not have the energy after work to do all of my laundry, but knocking out one load is still better than none. Frozen dinners might not be healthy, but skipping meals would be worse.
You can't whole-ass everything all the time, but half-ass is better than no-ass. 😸
I think this is Boeing's philosophy
Being late for work is better than not showing up at all.
It also helps overcome the paralysis of perfection.
Sometimes just producing something will do far more to help you improve than any amount of prep work. Do a half arsed job, then figure out where you actually need to improve it. By that point you will have a lot more momentum to keep working on it, and a lot more idea where to focus.
This is fantastic advice, especially for anyone with depression.
Fully agreed.
With depression it's more of a lethargy paralysis. It makes you feel like it's too hard, and not worth all the effort. Once you are moving , it becomes more obvious how hollow that feeling is. It often doesn't go away, but can be fought against. I suspect it's why exercise is helpful for some, but not others. It helps get you into the mindset of doing things. When it's mild enough, this can shatter the false walls on your mind.
Yeah, that's definitely been my experience of it. I read somewhere that the evolutionary basis for it is to prevent action when previous action has had consistently bad outcomes. It encourages hiding until external conditions improve. And apparently it's the same for most animals. Appropriately tragic, isn't it?
Ultimately, humans are quite poorly designed for modern life. Our minds haven't significantly changed since we were chasing herbivores across the savannah. Our bodies never even finished coming down from the trees. The fact we function as a modern society is actually quite impressive.
Depression is likely a bunch of different instincts and survival methods messing each other up. It's likely got ties to hiding. It also likely has got ties to hibernation, along with 101 other minor instincts that can no longer serve their original purpose.
I do know that "learned helplessness" is common to most mammals. Rats can show it, along with depression, when conditions get weird enough. It makes sense as a fall back. Huddle down and save energy until something changes for the better.
One of our biggest advantages is our rational brain. Stopping our own instincts is like trying to stop a goods train. What we can do is be smart. We can reach in and tweak the controls, change the signals. It's hard, particularly with things like depression clouding our thoughts. But it can be done.
I am a ghost in the machine, inside of a bodged together biological computer, piloting a poorly designed meat mech. It's completely absurd, but if I don't take control of it, who the hell will?
"Is this gonna matter at your funeral?" A friend asked me this once.
Questions the gravity of the circumstances, and how much you should care (if at all).
Will you really remember this event in five hours, or five days, or five years?
React accordingly. I’m not the best at it so I have to keep reminding my self of this.
"Make it easy for them to give you what you want"
There's a lot of ways to interpret that, and most of them help. For instance, if you're asking your boss for a raise, if you just say "Hey boss, gimme a raise" you're making it hard for them. If you say "I think I deserve a raise, here are multiple, documented, examples of where I've helped increase revenue/fix a problem that could have cost us/improved customer retention/etc" then you're making it easier for them because they have a list of positives to justify it.
Generally if you're asking a question you need an answer to, or for something in particular, spend a little time thinking about the request from the other person's point of view. What do they need to be able, and inclined, to help you? When you know that, make sure you supply it.
I've found it to be a powerful way of approaching discussions, and it can make a lot of situations make more sense when you realize one party didn't do it and didn't get what they want.
Sometimes, of course, making it easy to give you what you want just means making any other outcome harder instead. >:)
This was given to me during a Process Safety class in college, and I'll never forget it: in the workplace, "Always have a stupid-question buddy." Try your best to direct your questions to someone who's not your boss as you learn the ropes. That way, you can be comfortable asking those questions on basics that really need to be asked in order to do your job properly, and not look like an idiot to the person that performs your performance reviews.
Salvador Dalí: 'Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.'
I wish I would have heard this quote much sooner... I usually like to flesh out my projects/ideas from the start and it feels unoriginal or boring when it's too derivative of other work... But everything is derivative of something. Being afraid of being "unoriginal" should never stop you from creating, or at least trying. A lot of the time the "unoriginal" work pays great homage to the original work and really does transform the result to something new and vibrant
This is gonna sound dumb af but meh.
"Don't be scared of it"
The context was flipping eggs for the first time because I was being too cautious about breaking the yolk. My coworker said it in passing and probably never thought of it again but over the years it's translated into a lot of stuff.
So yeah, don't be scared of it.
I was going to share mine from my aunt until I saw this is... basically the same thing!
"Don't let fear control your decisions."
It's just the context was trauma & not eggs lol.
This sounds like a different flavor of "just do it"
I actually do not remember where I heard this, but I was unhappy at one of my past workplaces, and I felt like nothing made sense anymore. The purpose of my job, the product, the people... I would ask why or seek deeper understanding and received nothing back.
The advice was "when no one has your back, it's time to move your back".
It stuck with me because it applies to friends, family, work, and life in general. If you do not feel supported and able to give support back mutually then it's time to place yourself in a situation more beneficial for you and those around you.
It doesn't place blame, it's simply a validation statement - you feel x, so do y.
My no nonsense easten European coworker once said "If you have even one red flag about your relationship, get out and don't look back. Don't waste your time." She's completely right. Get out before you get mired into a situation that'll never change.
One thing that Reddit did teach me is that work doesn't really matter and you shouldn't knock yourself out for any job, because they'd replace you in a heartbeat and will underpay and micromanage you no matter how good a job you do.
Not sure that first bit of advice is a good blanket policy, but it depends on who's deciding how significant a negative trait must be to constitute a red flag. Some will take this advice to mean you should expect nothing short of perfection and that's just unrealistic. If you walk away from every flaw you find, you'll be alone. My partner and I have been together 13 years. We are well aware of each other's flaws, so we work on them and do what we can to mitigate the impact they have on our relationship. But we also both know that if either of us does something egregious that crosses the line, that ends the relationship. Unconditional love is stupid. There should always be conditions.
Anyway, I think it's useful to pair that advice with "know what your red flags are" so you can identify and separate the imperfections from the deal breakers.
I think red flag means something more extreme. Like not "can't handle failing" which is just human and more "act out in their failures by racking up their credit cards". Which is tactical manipulation.
Never threaten someone with something, if you cannot execute the threat.
That's great advice, and it pairs well with all the words of wisdom regarding not speaking or acting in anger.
Often people threaten in situations where they know they are powerless and cannot act, whether on a threat or anything else. When you have power and you know it, you act differently, more confidently, and as though you know nothing is lost by keeping the mouth shut until ready to act.
But your threats speak for you as well. They warn your opponent how and where you intend to strike them, should you ever be able to do so, and tell an observant enemy exactly how you think and what would frighten or piss you off, because that's what you're trying to do to them by threatening them.
Your entire appearance, tone of voice, and choice of words also tell an opponent a lot of the real truth about your immediate attitude and maturity level, and whether you're personally even worth changing their course to help.
Threats are a product of fear and anger, and are not nearly as threatening as the people making them think they are. If you want to threaten, act cool and confident. Laugh at them when they start getting flustered.
"Oh" and "heh, okay" are how to respond to threats being made to you, like they just don't matter and your real position is whatever pal, if it makes you feel better. This level of near-total non-response gives you time to evaluate the situation and do nothing you'll regret, or to do something later that you've planned out far better than making angry threats in the heat of the moment.
Threats are almost always the most stupid tactic there is. You're gonna call my boss and have my job? Not before I call him, lol. But thanks for letting me know. Have a nice day.
This is how threats telegraph weakness to people who are accustomed to holding power. If you want someone to know for sure you hold no cards, start whipping out threats.
TL;DR: Threats are best avoided until you are truly ready to act. And if you can't act, keep it shut until you can.
Well elaborated. I struggle with words, but this is on point
A good way of shifting your mentality if you're apprehensive about something like pursuing a change of career, a new hobby or whatever, is to ask yourself the question "what if it all worked out?".
It's a simple thing but it can completely alter how you approach things.
Not religious, but "Steady plodding bring prosperity".
All my life I have watched as many of those around me struggle to stay consistent in their lives, and have worse outcomes as a result.
Inconsistent with their savings habits.
Inconsistent in their employment efforts.
Inconsistent with their love lives.
Inconsistent with taking care of themselves.
Consistency provides a basis for better long term results. Very little success is possible in almost any endeavor without it.
Though I've found it personally frustrating to remain consistent in my own life, the benefits of doing so I have found to be exponential, although late and taken for granted by others who weren't consistent.
Another is: "What are you willing to give up to get what you want?"
All too many things are zero-sum, and though consumer capitalist systems often pretend "you can have it all", you can't.
Honest reflection about what is most important to yourself, and what personal sacrifices are required to obtain your goal, makes the goal easier to obtain.
Many sacrifices that are needed are clear from the offset, but by being honest and willing before the endeavour, those future sacrifices are less traumatic. Other sacrifices pop up along the way, and it's important to re-evaluate at intervals whether your end goal is still worth it.
For love: "Prequalify your spouse."
People lead with their hearts often where their heads can't follow.
Sure they may be attractive, or have an amazing personality, or be rich, but do you KNOW them?
Is their fading beauty or quick wit or checking balance able to really make up for their poor treatment of others, latent racism or sexism, politics, religious adherence, stance on having children, intention in the future to care for ailing family, or poor spending habits? What about if they believe it's appropriate to hit your future kids, or demand the kids are their religion, or can't be gay? What if they refuse to travel or relocate? What if they don't clean up after themselves or never take responsibility for their failings?
It is imperative to long term relationship success that you spend enough time for both partners to actually understand each other, because there is more to long term compatibility related to shared values than there is to sexual attraction.
Most often this advice results in people realizing they haven't given enough thought themselves to what and why they believe is the best way to live their own lives, and where those values came from.
I've got loads more, but those are a great start.
"everyone knows something that you don't." it helps me to not be an arrogant dick. People are good at something.
"everyone believes they're the hero of their own story" too many people are set on their ways and sometimes its best to realize that you can't change their mind. Just move on and don't get all worked up.
“If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”
That along with KC Davis' Ted talk, How to do laundry when you're depressed
This was absolutely amazing. I never realized I made short cuts to do things in my life to just get by. Thanks for this.
I felt like I needed that Ted Talk, thank you for linking it!
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
How to do laundry when you're depressed
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
A very practical rule of thumb, and I've no idea who told me it or if I've made it up myself, is: don't put your hand where you can't see it.
"Leadership is simple. Take care of your people and make a decision."
This is from a USAF Major who was once one of the first dudes in Afghanistan after 9/11, working with green berets when he was enlisted. He said that it's amazing how easy it can be to lose sight of those two basic things.
"An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is absolutely normal."
If you are in some hellish or unusually bad kind of situation and you're not able to keep your cool or stay positive or whatever your personal mental health goals are, it doesn't mean that you're insane.
It means you're human.
This is also exceptionally helpful to remember if you have to be around hypercritical, DARVOing, and/or chronically dishonest people who behave horribly then take any sign of emotional response on your part as an overreaction and proof of mental incompetence. Lol, no. If you weren't nuts before they started in on you, you're probably fine right now.
There is so much pressure these days for the sane among us to be 100% perfect in all respects all the time even as norms are crashing down all around us, and it's just not realistic or possible, much less healthy or true. So remember:
"An abnormal response to an abnormal situation is absolutely normal."
And then go take care of you as a priority for a little while, because you need some self-focus and self-care while you navigate whatever this is.
Hope this helps someone, because it's saved my ass countless times.
Remember landmarks when traveling. You'll know where you are once you see that landmark again. My dad told me that when we were out in the boat on the Pearl River once when I was a wee lad. I've never forgotten it and I am very good at navigation because of it I think.
With gps it's easy to let navigation skills slip but it's so important. I try to teach my relatives when opportunities come up.
I always try to look at a map before I go somewhere unfamiliar. Digital, paper doesn't matter and you don't really have to memorize anything in particular. Just know what way is north and the general lay of the land to build "shelves in your brain" as someone put it. Then when you see a landmark you've either seen it before on the map or know what "shelf" to put it on if that makes sense
If it is to be, it is up to me.
I was always tired of relying on others only to be let down and disappointed. I remember seeing a motivational poster in highschool and it stuck.
Don't set yourself alight to keep yourself warm. Not always easy, but it is something I believe. You can only do so much if someone isn't willing to help themself.
One more: vaccines are a miracle of science that save our lives and if you are an antivaxxer you are subscribing to weaponized disinformation and being a moron.
For anti-vaxxers, that probably isn't the only bad information that's circulating in their news algorithm.
Moisturize every day. Told to me by a very young looking 40 year old in a bathroom at a club when I was 16. Can confirm, am now around that age and I look late 20s.
And avoid the sun as much as you can, but not to the extent that you're vitamin D deficient of course.
Moisturize me!
Logic solves problems, emotions don’t. Wait for a cooler head before trying to resolve issues.
Logic is a terrible way to solve problems. We wasted thousands of years on it before we figured out empirical approaches are better.
Maintaining an additional girlfriend/wife as a control may prove difficult
Unfortunately logic doesn't solve emotional problems. Gifted and intelligent people are much more likely to be depressed and anxious.
I was diagnosed "gifted" in grade school, and those were the absolute worst years of my life. I'm still recovering from how much psychological and emotional damage I took on from that time. Emotional intelligence is real, and it should not be slept on.
Scientifically proven too!
Fyi for people who need to read up -
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/202311/how-anger-keeps-us-from-thinking-clearly-and-what-you-can-do
However, as stress increases, so do norepinephrine levels. When norepinephrine is excessive, it stops activating those thinking parts of the brain[1] and instead starts activating the emotional parts of the brain.[2]
By dampening the ventromedial prefrontal cortex activity, stress inhibits the capacity to feel connected with others. People often become stuck in emotion-driven interpretations of events and are rapidly propelled into fight-or-flight mode, which limits our ability to respond flexibly and intentionally.[3]
I remember one time way back in high school some kids were making fun of some other kids for liking something, can't remember what it was. Teacher overhead what happened and stopped it, and told us: Imagine how boring the world would be, if everyone liked the same stuff. This one has always stuck with me.
My grandfather continually underscored to me that no matter what you try to do, even if it is a failure so to speak, you have learned. And you can carry what you've learned into your next effort, and be that much more strong and powerful. There is no shame in trying to invent something and discover that you are wrong, or start a business and not have it succeed, or try to approach something in a novel way and have it fall flat. That is the essence of how we learn and discover and grow.
Furthermore he taught me that you need to let people show you how to do things that you already know how to do. Everybody out there has a piece of priceless gold that they're just willing to hand to you, and all you have to do is be willing to listen. And accept that while we may know how to do something, there's always a better way.
These are great. How did you learn these? How young were you? How do I teach this?
I actually learned those in reverse #2 first. I don't like fake people and learned that being your genuine self meant people actually knew the real you and liked that person. Pretending to be something/someone else meant you were liked for something you were not and when people realized that, they would have nothing to do with someone fake like that. But being your true self 100% of the time means that you will have opinions, feelings, likes and hates that are different from others. Peer pressure to conform can be quite bad, depending on your age. So it's not always easy to stand by the genuine person that you are. But in the end it's 1000% worth it. I have zero regrets about that.
That led to #1 eventually. If you spend your life worrying about other people's opinions of you, you have no time to actually have your own opinion of yourself, or a life. Self respect is about actually being the person you want to be. Can You live with yourself based on your actions in life? Because You are the only one who has to live your life. Making decisions based on others opinions has it's place, but only when you decide that the person you are listening to has a valid respectful opinion. Respecting yourself first helps you learn to respect others. Knowing you are a good person and behaving like one makes it really easy to dismiss other people's opinions of you, especially when they are negative or misplaced.
Not sure how you would teach that. I only learned this by being around people that did the opposite of those two things and I decided I just didn't want to be that kind of horrible person.
This is the only life we get, and only you get to make the rules for yourself.
Someone suggested that I get a book called 'Discover What You Are Best At.' Linda Gail.
I was out after a job injury. I never liked any job I'd ever had. The book led me to a career I'd never considered.
Find a job you actually like. If you can wake up on a rainy Monday and not hate your life you've solved most of life's problems.
“Be where you are.”
"work smarter, not harder" Scrooge McDuck
Damn straight! But still no swimming pool full of money
"If you have a choice, move away for college."
That was almost 40 years ago, and it's still the best damned thing I ever did. It let me grow as a whole person.
Here's a rule of life: You don't get to pick what bad things happen to you.