How do I stop a crush from developing further?

throwawaysalami@lemmy.world to Ask Lemmy@lemmy.world – 169 points –

I think I got a crush on my dance instructor. Which fucking sucks for all the obvious reasons. Normally I wouldn't be so worried. BUT I JUST HAD A GODDAMN ROMANTIC DREAM ABOUT HER. Seriously I just woke up from a dream about her confessing her love to me and me eagerly doing the same about her.

So how do you stop a crush from developing further? Because this is a well from which only disappointment may be drawn.

Edit: I am single btw.

87

Try actively steering your fantasy past the peak of infatuation and into the latter stages of a relationship and on to breakup.

Right now, you have intrusive thoughts about falling in love with them, and probably the excitement of getting to know someone intimately. Instead of trying to hold back, let that fantasy play out in your head further. Imagine moving in, imagine them not getting you when you're explaining your problems. Imagine liking them, but finding their bad habits increasingly intolerable, and never being able to pick a movie to watch. Imagine them not flushing the toilet and clogging the shower drain with hair. And then imagine meeting someone new, and feeling guilty about crushing had on them. Imagine this new person reciprocates, and imagine politely explaining to your dance instructor that you guys can stay friends but, the romance has run it's course.

And there you are. The itch is scratched, and in your mind they're just a friend again.

Holy shit, you're a mad genius! Definitely gonna try this! thanks!

This totally works. Way back in middle school I had a pretty big crush on this guy. I was shy and there was just a trickle of his interest in me, posibly imaginary, but just enough to keep me miserable. One night had a pretty long dream about us going through a whole relationship with all the misunderstandings, arguments, and realizations that come with it. Woke up super refreshed, fulfilled, and ready to move on. About a year later he asked me out and I turned him down. Felt like it'd be going back to an ex or something.

This made me sad to the core. What's the point of life

I'm sorry if I bummed you out! For what it's worth, I think you're misreading this!

This exercise isn't supposed to reflect an inevitability to relationships becoming unfulfilling. It's just a tool to recover the ability to see people in a balanced and realistic way instead of through the uncontrollably lens of puppy love.

I'm in a long term relationship, well past the point of early infatuation, and I can tell you that that feeling is replaced by a different kind of love that I enjoy just as much. Long term relationships shouldn't be scary, they're wonderful. But when you're smitten, simulating the evolution in how you feel about someone as you get to know them is just a way to remove the effects of a crush.

Don't be sad! Long term relationships with a person you like are wonderful.

Don’t be sad! Long term relationships with a person you like are wonderful.

Joke's on you; I don't have those.

In my experience, get to know the person, as a person. I see the crush as a separate entity from myself. The crush sees them as some unrealistic ideal superhuman, which falls apart when I take time to find out who the actual person is.

This assumes you have opportunities to casually chat without planning time specifically, or you can be in a regular part of group conversations.

Isn't getting to know someone better the exact same path you would take if you like them too?

Didn't hear any compelling reasons as to why an actual relationship would be bad. Having a relationship with an authority figure (teacher, doctor, therapist, etc) is taboo and often illegal, but if there's really a connection there it should be doable to change up schedules or find new instruction so there's no conflict anymore. Most of my crushes though have been very superficial and a few conversations dispelled the fantasy.

I see the crush as a separate entity from myself. The crush sees them as some unrealistic ideal superhuman, which falls apart when I take time to find out who the actual person is.

That's pretty damn well put.

This assumes you have opportunities to casually chat without planning time specifically, or you can be in a regular part of group conversations.

There is maybe a tiny window. But it's worth a shot.

I had a crush and had this like, idea* of who they might be.

Got to know them more and more, and… they’re exactly the person my imagination fabricated.

Anyway, we’re married and shit now. I wish the same for every person with a crush.

Time. Crushes are naturally a temporary infatuation. They pass given time. Have fun with the fantasies, but I personally would not suggest trying to actually hit on her.

It's poor form to hit on people in their work places. If she initiates, that's one thing, but I wouldn't try anything otherwise.

To be fair, it would be unprofessional and in poor taste for the instructor to advance on a student/client.

I’ve found that when I want to kill a crush I can start looking for characteristics I dislike. Everyone has them and early on in infatuation we gloss over them. But intentionally highlight them and that crush usually goes away pretty quick. Works for me anyway

She kicks puppies for fun and idolizes Hitler but God damn she's sexy.

Really? Man, I always thought it was to study their routines and plan the murder for when they are most alone and have the site and a grave prepared. Ideally away from prying eyes unless you like the thrill of getting caught or whatever....

But that aside, this is really solid advice. Nitpicking things you don't like is a great option towards losing interest.

2 methods that I can think-of that might work, quickly enough for you:

  1. deliberately develop a crush on someone else, like Lena Headey, or someone, whom you are not going to meet weekly, and

  2. deliberately imagine her having total romancing with someone whom you both respect, value, & wouldn't violate-their-boundaries.

Obviously, combining these 2 methods would be stronger.

Salut, Namaste, & Kaizen

_ /\ _

Full speed ahead, tell her how you feel. It can only end in two ways:

  1. Your dream becomes a premonition and you live happily ever after.

  2. She tells you she doesn't feel the same way and it ends there, awkwardly or not.

Speaking from experience. I had a crush on this one girl and I just couldn't get her out of my mind. I decided to do something about it and asked her out. She said no and that was the end of it.

Don't be afraid to be awkward.

Edit: If this truly is an impossible situation (you or the instructor are already in committed relationships) then I agree with everyone else telling you to find another instructor.

OR

Still do what I said but try to reconcile your feelings for her, with her. Also speaking from experience here. If she is a dance instructor, she is probably no stranger to having her pupils develop feelings for her.

If she is a dance instructor, she is probably no stranger to having her pupils develop feelings for her.

But this just makes it worse. Cause you're probably right. Which would make me feel even more like a schmuck. Yeah I think I'm just gonna go find a new instructor.

Agreed. Coming out to a crush has never helped me personally as it was pretty evident they weren't showing as much interest in me as I had in them. For me, crushes have always happened when my exposure to the person was one-sided/parasocial (as seems to have been the case in your lesson). I have found that the most effective way to prevent this is to get to know people that excite you on a personal level before a crush can develop. This usually means enthusiastically trying to interact with them moment I notice them and abandoning them if it does not work out — instead of watching them for a while and then deciding whether to approach.

Maybe you could get a new instructor, but tell the current one why, and say you just feel it's right to move on.

Then, if there's any reciprocating feelings you might find out. And if not, at least you're already moving on.

Imagine her picking her nose and eating the booger. Next, imagine her taking a huge stinky steaming dump. Disclaimer: only works if you're not German.

Tell her. Then she likely rejects your feelings, and you distance yourself from her to kill the feelings.

This is what I was thinking.

Either she rejects and that's a big turn off for the very obvious reason of her not wanting to be with OP (or it should be), or she accepts and it could be great. Nothing to lose.

Yeah. It's super scary but it's really the most optimal route. I fell in love with a friend, told her, she said she doesn't feel the same way but we still remain friends and after a period of awkwardness it got back to the way it was before. We live in different parts of the world most of the year so nothing would really change one way or another, but still, it was easier to get things out in the open.

Just should tell her in a non-creepy casual way and it should be fine.

That would most likely make being in the class awkward as well.

Lol that's not even close to real awkwardness of letting romantic feelings develop to crazy levels and end up friendzoned or worse. We need to be men and avoid falling a victim to our own naivety.

Also, that's also why I said to distance from her, which includes not taking classes with her anymore.

From my own experience: cut all contact with that person... which may not be viable in your situation.

I had a crush on a girl when I was 14, still do, It's been 10 years. Havent seen her or talked to her for 8. Can a hypnotist or someone help.

Its not a deep crush now, but I still think about her OFTEN and am not at all over it.

Edit: jeez i wonder what it'd be like to be on the recieving end of that lol.

Yeah, I've found that learned anxiety that my brain has around crushes from my past is one thing time does not heal.

So it's either quit dancing or develop romantic feelings for her? Q.E.D. I'm fucked.

I mean, you can find a new dance instructor.

Yeah, salami, can you just switch classes? Or another dance studio, same course or something?

Yeah that's actually not that bad of an idea. If things go south I'll use this as a last resort. Change dance studios that is.

I'm pretty much the same as you. I just do my hobbys or play games and such. You slowly forget about her, trust me.

Didn't work for me. It's been fucking 4 years.

Find someone else

Simple yet effective. I think that there is something missing romantically in your life and those feelings won't go away because you bury them

It’s not burying them per se, it’s how sex drives work.

Are you single? If so, just go with it!

Are you in a monogamous relationship? If so, find a new dance instructor.

I'm single. But I think I'm still just gonna go find a new dance instructor if my crush on her won't settle down.

I saw your post the other day and didn't have anything constructive to add (my instinct was to say 'just see where it goes, but don't force it to be romantic', but I know so little about the situation that it's hollow advice), but I came across this article in the NY Times that might speak to your situation. It talks about limerence, which is a new word for me. I say might, because it might not be what you're feeling, but it's worth a read regardless, and the tips on how to overcome it in the article seem useful (and have backing by different researchers, so they're bound to have more material on the subject that would be potentially related to what you're going through).

Gift link so no paywall: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/27/style/limerence-addiction-love-crush.html?unlocked_article_code=1.RU0.qcHQ.OMOM2nOkSCqy&smid=url-share

One thing that has always helped me stop thinking a crush is when I've gotten another crush. I'm not sure this helps you much though lmao

I also used to get crushes on people I met who I was platonically excited about, if I thought about them too much. Lmk if this is you and I can go into more detail

Come out of the closet as asexual and aromantic and the issue will disappear like a puff of smoke.

NOTE: this strategy could have negative consequences if you live in a country that doesn't recognize LGBT rights.

Would asexuals really have that bad of a time in a country that is not that supportive of LGBT? I don't think not wanting to have sex is seen as bad by people who dislike LGBT?

Any religious argument against LGBT folks works just as well on Ace folks. (Which is to say they don't, but the people making the arguments think they do)

In my country especially (it's Morocco), so many people think it's a bad idea to not get married and not have children (which requires sex anyway) simply because it's so engrained in our society to do that. Blame the state religion.

Idk why, but when I told my dad I wanna be celibate, he called me an atheist, which I'm not.

Also, asexualism is technically a part of LGBT, just in a very secondary manner. If people know about the full picture, they'll start threatening you.

I first read that as "asexual and aromatic" and I was like, ... Well, i guess if you don't like sex and you smell like garlic....

I find my crushes go away on their own after about a week. Your mileage may vary.

All this advise is making me realize it wasn't just a crush.

I've not seen her for years, I try my best to have contempt for her, I don't look her up or make any sort of contact. She's dead as far as I know, and that's kinda how it feels. But I think about her often, I think about the regrets. It's been years of no contact and I'm still mourning losing this "crush"

Think of all the aspects you like about her and think of all the ways they might be impractical. I know someone who said they had a crush on "the most delicate person I could have met" and I asked "but would delicacy be good for parenting" and then her crush ended.

Your feelings are yours, personally I'd just wallow in it and feel it and do absolutely nothing about it, you don't need to tell her, a crush is by definition sort of a fantasy thing. It's not her, it's some dream person you've attached to her. But I'm old so have been through this more times. It gets easier and then it gets fun.

The advice People give in the comments it's absolutely funny, it reeks of people who never leaves their house, or is women giving advice or some western Buddhist bullshit about letting go.

Yeah, instead you should whip your magnum dong out and tell her to get to work. Be a man! Whip your dick out! Bitches love dick.

edit: /s for those it wasn't painfully obvious to that I was mocking them.

You have a smooth brain, don't go exposing yourself to people. see? All this advice is garbage.

So smoove scientists are studying it for low friction materials development.