Is it too late to date for me?

alphapro784@lemmy.ml to Asklemmy@lemmy.ml – 141 points –

Hi my fellow Lemmy users! It’s been a while since I used this platform and boy did I actually miss you all ❤️

It’s just that I’ve been more so focusing on myself in my career and in my own education. So I graduated back in June and man it sure does feel like a lifetime ago already. Settled in a good paying job and still trying to improve myself wherever I can.

This brings us to the question that I wanted to ask everyone here. As I’ve been very focused on academics and career stuff I never had the opportunity to date and I’ve been rejected very frequently (which is to be expected as a man tbh). I haven’t been able to lose weight and that I’m 25 years old.

I know that’s still pretty young but I still feel so behind on dating tbh. Is it still too late for me to find someone I want to be with after I’ve lost weight? Does losing weight help for men as it does for women? I’ve been trying to join meetups, volunteering (just to meet new people tbh) and really put myself out there. It’s just idk like all my friends are committed and I’m just floating around life whilst focusing on my career.

109

I’m 25 years old.

No. The answer is no. Unless you were exclusively looking to date leonardo dicaprio, 25 is not too old

Maybe I'm just in a good mood, but I saw that and about died. Thanks for the chortle and subsequent coughing fit.

I'm not even saying this to be nice. You are 25. You're a baby. You may feel like you are old. But you are not. Not even close.

Ever hear the saying "youth is wasted on the young"? This is why people say it. Hindsight is gonna slap you in the face when you are actually old. You're fine. It's not too late.

Yeah, while I don't think it's ever too late to find love 25 certainly is, I was a bit younger but over twenty when I had my first relationship.

Also try to not focus too much on your weight. I know society(tm)/capitalism wants you to think you're unlovable if you're fat but that is obviously bs. If you want to loose weight do it but to it for yourself first (maybe try to get fit and not loose weight per se?). Love is not only about looks.

...why would it be too late for you to date? People want companionship throughout their lives....

Thanks for responding to my post! It’s just that, I come from an immigrant background and I never really had the chance to date tbh. It’s just my thinking is that the longer it’ll take to find someone the more likely I’ll be seen as a walking red flag. Sure I’ll hopefully be in a good position career wise, great social life but never having had dated anyone isn’t a good look. It’s just in my experience a lot of people brushed me off cause of that so it just makes me feel trapped I guess. That’s why I felt that it’ll be too late.

Just stay away from all dating advice for men, be honest, learn to care about other people if you don't already, and you'll be fine.

You’re still really young.

First, getting an education and getting a career going is a great start. It shows a level of maturity and that your life is moving in a positive direction. That’s a big plus.

Second, you mention that you’re from an immigrant culture. That might be skewing how you perceive the age vs relationship factor. In the US, it varies widely by socioeconomic class and geography, but just starting to get out there at 25 isn’t that unusual and shouldn’t raise a lot of red flags. I wouldn’t lead with it as an intro statement, but if it comes up naturally after a few dates with the same person, they’ll have the context to understand rather than rush to judgment.

Getting in shape generally only helps - it’s also a signal indicating that you have your life on the right track and do self care - but charisma isn’t all about weight or even appearance. You should be able to talk great, listen great, or both.

I agree, it is definitely skewing how I perceive the age vs relationship when I see a lot of people who've been in relationships multiple times before they hit 25 when I moved to the US when I was like 19. Other things that could be skewing how I perceive is how I think I look which is another reason why I am trying to lose weight as well. Thank you for your reply tho, I really appreciate it.

You need to remember your target demographic will be in the same situation and likely empathetic.

The only red flags in a real relationship are how you treat the other person and yourself. Don't put dating on a pedestal. It's just 2 people hanging out and getting to know one another.

It's not the same for everybody. Some people find lots of success with apps. Others meet people at social events. Some meet at work. Just be yourself around people and pay attention to who you jive with on a personal level.

Weight shouldn't be a problem. The reality is that everybody has things they are attracted to and for some people weight can be a factor. Only loose weight for your own happiness, though. Don't do it to attract a partner because that's not a good way to maintain a lifestyle change and your own happiness is paramount with changes like that.

I am 25

Lmao. That's literally the age humans stop maturing.

You're in your theoretical prime.

Now's the time to make it happen if anything. You can be and do whatever you make of yourself.

2 more...

I haven't been able to lose weight

You need to be honest with yourself here, everyone is able to lose weight (except a very small minority of people with severe mental and or health issues) and what you really mean to say is "I have not committed to losing weight".

There is a huge difference between wanting a fit and healthy body and actually committing long term to the idea of consistently smaller portions.

And that is all it takes. You do not need to swap every meal for a shitty salad, you do not need need to run ten miles a day, you do not need to make weight loss your number one priority, you do not need the mental strength of the world's strongest man, you do not need more time in the day or any other of the 101 excuses that overweight people use.

  • weigh yourself
  • consistently eat less
  • weigh yourself again after a few weeks/months
  • adjust the amount you eat further if necessary
  • repeat steps three and four

If you consume less calories than you burn, then you can lose weight on a diet of pizza and sitting on the couch all day.

I know what I've said here will come across as harsh, but it's all absolutely true and I hope that you lose your unwanted weight, it really will help your dating prospects and it will make you feel better about yourself too!

Amen to this. OP if you focused on career and income by this point maybe you have some spare money to use on a personal fitness coach. They will help guide and motivate you which long term should help with all manner of issues you might be dealing with, from mental to health. Good luck. You can do it!

I second this. Getting a source of external motivation like a coach is great for achieving a goal like this. Especially as they would no doubt have techniques to make the journey easier.

While what you said is technically true, it's not good advice. The standard advice of 'eat less, exercise more, and it's your own fault if you don't get results" sets up most people for failure. In fact, that's exactly why it's bad advice - OP has most certainly seen it and attempted it, and it's not working for them.

Everyone is different, and responds differently. OP needs to examine what they've tried and why it's not working for them. For many people, myself included, sugar acts as a drug. The only answer is to eliminate it from your diet, AKA low-carb (keto, Atkins) diets. Other people are stress eaters who need to develop coping mechanisms. Still others are bored eaters, or people who succumb easily to temptation.

Telling any of these people to just eat less is the one thing guaranteed to fail.

I disagree. More people need the education around weight loss. Too many people think you can outwork a bad diet in the gym and it is simply and entirely untrue.

You lose weight in the kitchen and you tone your body/build muscle in the gym.

It is worth repeating because many people honestly do not understand it.

Eat less food to lose weight. Go to the gym to get stronger.

Or just eat more good healthy food. I know UPS drivers that eat a bit of breakfast, don’t eat lunch, and then do a decent dinner. And of course they get a good workout every day. But they’re still overweight because a lot of the food they do eat is, well, fast food and junk food.

I agree with that statement, I've been going to my family's place every weekend just for that to learn to cook with my mom lol at this age

Occam's razor.

You can complicate the concepts of weight gain and loss all you like, it always boils down to calories in Vs calories out.

You'll show me 99 people that have several excuses about why they in particular can't lose weight and I'll only be able to show you one that holds their hands up and says "I admit it, I'm weak and I'd rather have cake now than a nice body a few months later".

Losing weight is like stopping smoking, it's all conjecture and day dreams until one day you say "fuck this, I'm changing and sticking with it STARTING NOW".

Some people need tough love, not more readymade excuses.

It sounds like you've never struggled with weight loss, and for that I congratulate you. I couldn't manage until I learned to avoid carbs.

Yes, the end result is still fewer calories. But this approach made it a whole lot easier for me, since it reduced my hunger.

No you're fine, I appreciate what you're trying to tell me and I definitely will try to follow what you've said. I'm curious though as how would you try to watch your diet? I have a really really bad food control cause food has been my stress reliever and how can one be consistent in having smaller portions? Like for me, I tried to really eat a smaller portion but its just that I end eating bigger portions because idk I feel depressed and I'd just be thinking of the food more than the goals I'd like to achieve if that makes sense

There's not a one size fits all solution.

The first thing to do is cut down on snacks and sugary drinks if you have them. Refined sugars should be the easiest thing to cut out and will make a huge impact.

If you're already doing that then it's time to start controlling your portions. It will take some will power! I have noticed personally that I may still feel like I could eat more at the end of a meal but that if I wait ten of fifteen minutes then I feel absolutely fine. So focus on eating untill you're not hungry rather than eating until you feel full.

Some people endorse a 5/2 diet, where they will eat normally on five days of the week and then have a very restricted diet on two days (about 300-500 calories). This will recalibrate your feeling of hunger massively, most people in the western world have never experienced real hunger. You may find that what you thought was hunger was very different to actual hunger.

I also recommend replacing your excess eating with something else. All bad habits usually need something to replace them. Whether that is drinking water or learning a new skill or reading a book or doing some exercise. Don't just sit there and suffer, fill that time with something.

It's not too late. I met someone when I was 42, now we live together and our son is 8 month old:

(The boy, not the cat)

When it comes to losing weight and dating, at least for me it helped, I guess you get more confident when you lose weight and that attracts women.

Your son is so cute and your cat as well! This is something I've always wanted, a family of my own even with how difficult it can be raise a child and everything. Idk there is something fulfilling for me when it comes to family but I really appreciate you sharing that and your advice as well

You don't need to be thin to date. I've been a fat man my whole life, introverted and introspective, spent most of my life alone.

My first relationship wasn't until about your age. I married her because I thought I'd always be alone otherwise. It was a mistake and I was wrong.

Took a long time to figure myself out, only had two other real relationships and a few nonstarters, then met my wife when I was almost 40.

I'm still fat. So what?

The one advice I can give you is, women are closer to men than you may think. Whatever you find interesting, there's someone out there who would think so too. Whatever disgusts you, probably disgusts women too. IMO, dating advice that includes phrases such as "as a man" are misleading, because they imply that women are fundamentally different and must be treated differently.

Treat them as you would a friend, rather than something to be won, and you'll find that people will be more receptive. 25 years old is still plenty young

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Its just that the reason why I've said as a man is because both men and women live their lives so differently like in terms of dating (I am generalizing here and I could be wrong), women tend to get approached often by men so they sometimes don't have to do much except for filtering out the men who just want sex versus the one who they want long-term wise. For men, they tend to have to make the first approach often in order for them to get noticed.

I'm saying this generally and yeah its just this is also just me I do think of women as friends first cause I want to also so see how whether or not our values align together or not. Women are people too I realize that, its just hard when a lot of other men are doing the same thing and its hard not to feel behind in this rat race lol even tho it isn't but sometimes it feels like it when there is someone you're interested in and they like someone else or that they're not looking to date or anything. Sorry for the rambling its just I'm frustrated with it and if I feel like I stop looking for someone, no one is going to come to me if that makes sense and I'm just you know alone with my thoughts.

After outliving two husbands, my great aunt Anna got married again at 97. Why would you think things are over at 25?

If the question is "am I too old to X?" where X is not some kind of major official sporting achievement or something limited only to children, the answer is no.

Honestly it sounds like you're in a pretty good place to me. Educated, good job, actively social, these are all attractive things! But the fact that you asked this question in the first place suggests confidence is still lacking a bit (which makes sense, you are as other commenters have said still very young). One thing that does help with confidence is losing weight and feeling like you look good, so in that respect it probably would help. But it's not like heavier people are all single, if you click with someone you click. And by putting yourself out there you're already giving yourself the best chance of that happening.

Thanks for saying that, I appreciate you highlighting the positives of me. You're right when it comes to confidence, its just that I do hard things that people don't do because its just I wanted to prove that I am worthy for love and relationships. I do try to work on my confidence my trying to validate myself internally (that's why I have like positive affirmations notes with me all times and Marcus Aurelius famous quote of you having power over your mind).

Its still a work in progress but its just I crave for love so much and honestly this is something I just can't help but blame my own weight because women tend to like slimmer men even if there are women who like chubbier or even don't care about your weight. But the reality has been in my experience been that they do prefer men who are athletic or at least who look good but when you're not that its been a vicious cycle for me where to cope for rejection I'd just turn to eating more as a coping mechanism or a stress reliever. I do hope that women are more open minded and I do hope I am wrong about that. Again, thanks for your comment I appreciate you saying that.

Relax, you're only 25. You have plenty of time to fall madly in love, get married, fall madly out of love, get divorced, and repeat. Multiple times if you want to! People of all ages and in all walks of life are dating and getting together, so no, you're never too old.

Also as far as weight goes, in my opinion you should lose it because you want to lose it, not simply because you think it'll make you more attractive to others. You're more likely to keep it off that way, and when it comes to building meaningful relationships I think being fit is much less important than being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin.

You have plenty of time to fall madly in love, get married, fall madly out of love, get divorced, and repeat.

As a 43yo, fuck did that hit hard. Well, except for the "repeat" part. I have a lot of issues to work through before I get to that, if ever.

Dude, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. Here is why:

  • Your personality doesn't fully develop until you're about 26 or 27. This is because of development in your prefrontal cortex

  • The fitness thing can change relatively easily and yes, it will help you. Not only will it help you dating, but it'll help your lifestyle in general and you're overall health.

  • There are tons of people that are in the same boat as you within your cohort. I realize that of me feel like you're dating opportunities are over now that you've graduated, but this is just a change in your lifestyle.

  • You are already workinfg on improving yourself which is going to improve your odds on finding someone that you connect with. Your volunteering, you're doing other things. You are chasing own hobbies and living your life. This also helps

  • Anecdotally, I was in a very similar position at your age. Spend a pile of time working (300 hr months from June to December; 220ish the rest of the year). I still managed to find the right person and now I'm snuggling our youngest while typing this.

The journey of self improvement is thankless. It sucks. You feel like you're getting nowhere and everyone is miles out ahead of you. They aren't, and if they seem like it, it's because they have made tradeoffs. Comparison ruins our self confidence. Try you best to avoid it. Let what you do on self improvement be because that's what you want to improve upon because that's how you envision the best version of yourself.

Self-improvement is also extremely slow. Same with the dating thing. I realize how painfully lonely it can be to be single, but developing a good group of friends will help. Further, you shouldn't view a potential partner as something necessary to make you happy or complete. You need to be those things before you even think about getting into a relationship; otherwise you're setting yourself up for disaster and placing unreasonable expectations on said partner.

I could go on, but there's enough there to encourage you

Yeah I am being way too hard on myself as my other comment replies show me that. I'm happy to hear that you've made it (gives me some hope lol) and I agree that the journey of self-improvement is thankless. I do have a good of friends that I can rely on its just making this post here can help me hear this or even read this when I'm feeling down. I know that having a partner isn't something necessary to make me happy. I guess for me its just I am very prone to making comparisons to everyone else and how I am an immigrant to the US has skewed my perception even more so it just you know hits harder I guess when I am unconsciously making comparisons.

No. 25 is very young.

Dating can be difficult and lots of people screw it up. That's okay. Being bad at something is the first step towards being okay at something.

Remember to ask questions when you go on dates. It's a common mistake for people to just talk about themselves. Try to ask the other person open ended questions, and engage with whatever they're talking about. So if they say like "I went to Storm King this weekend" you can say like "Oh storm king is lovely! My favorite is the sculpture of the moving pipes that spin but never touch. What's your favorite part?" Don't go off on a monologue. Don't just change the topic to something you want to talk about. It's like a game of catch. Throw the ball back.

Also weight isn't the most important thing. Unless you're like so overweight it's a medical problem, there are people out there who will be into you. If you want to lose weight (or get fit, an arguably better goal) then you should do it for yourself.

Also rejection is to be expected. Don't let it get to you.

If you use an app like tinder, you're going to get way more misses than hits. That's fine. Focus on the hits and let the misses fade from memory.

I'm not really sure where you're going with this. What's the alternative, just working yourself to death? You can date whenever you decide to date.

Everyone's life is different. Some people are married, have kids, and divorce before they can even have a legal drink. Others kind of slowly see a friendship morph into a long term relationship without them even noticing. Still others are happy to be free and unattached. Your story is your own, on your own timeline.

If you have a more specific concern (which I think you do), such as how to meet people after 25, try posting that as its own question to the right audience. Just be careful to avoid the toxic areas, like incels.

Okay, well here's the alternative. This is something I don't expect anyone to understand but its okay. My parents and my family in general are very very conservative (basically I grew up Muslim) and I am not a practicing Muslim anymore because my values don't align with each other. So its just me now even though I do talk to my family and everything where we keep everything cordial. Its just that they're forcing me to marry someone of my ethnicity with someone who THEY like not me. I know the obvious for some is to stand your ground to which I do and every time they talk about my marriage I do stand my ground. It sounds as a man like yay I don't have make so much effort just to get married or anything but for me I care about my values more. I am very left-wing and liberal also pretty much westernized as I felt at home more in the US that I ever did in my life tbh.

This is why I am just so stressed about marriage and dating too. Cause if I did find someone, at least my family could back off and they'll realize that I have my own life here and there's nothing they can do so they'll accept it. But right now they know that I am trying to date an American woman who I get along much more its just me idk and they're trying to stop that by getting me married to someone they so I can conform to their liking and to the culture I grew up hating so much because I felt like an outsider tbh.

There's quite a lot to unpack there. I don't think anyone likes the idea of a forced marriage, especially with someone you do not like. Your relationship with your parents is its own discussion, and sounds complicated. A simple answer would be a "beard", but that creates its own web of lies.

You've probably heard that love comes when you least expect it, which also doesn't easily fit into your plans. Desperately seeking a partner is probably the least effective way to find one. You need to be able to have a relaxed approach, and let the chips fall where they may.

As difficult as it is, I recommend trying to forget about meeting a potential wife, and instead try to meet people in general. Attend whatever group events are happening for whatever you're interested in. Make (platonic) friends with people there. If the existing events don't lead to friendships, branch into new ones. Ever wanted to cook? Take a cooking class. Does bowling sound like fun? Join a league.

Eventually, one of these will lead to someone that's interested. It may not be someone in the group, either. It could be a friend of a friend, or someone that you meet randomly. They see you having fun, and conversation can start from there.

Also, learn how to carry a conversation. This is critical to opening the doors to a date, or date #2. There are a variety of books, videos, seminars, etc that can help

I started dating at age 30, met my wife when I was 35 and we're still married now 8 years later. My father-in-law met his girlfriend when he was 50 and they're still together now 15 years later.

You're good dude, I only started dating this year and I'm well into my 30s. It's never too late

Where did you meet people? I try only online because I don't have the idea or friends to meet in other places.

It's probably not feasible or realistic for most people, but I met people through working for a temp agency in my early twenties. Sometimes I would work with up to three different teams of people in one week. The pay was shite, but it actually really helped me curb a lot of my social anxiety. I met some awesome people that way.

I've met people only online so far as well. Dating apps can lead to actual dates sometimes lol. There are also always local meet up groups whether for particular interests or just for general singles. For example, I went to a local LGBT meetup group recently and it seems like the kind of thing where relationships can develop organically from the friends I hope to make there. Taking a perspective of friends first can help with dating prospects too imo

There is a lot of great advice in this thread, but I just want to post a quote that I like the meaning. 'Women are not a objective, they're a consequence'. So invest in yourself, like so many others have said, and get out there and something will happen.

At 25 its when my fun started. It wasn't even planned, we were supposed to have a drink off. Queue 4 years of relationship.

As far as losing weight goes, the importance of that will really depend on the type of person you want to date. If you're only attracted to people who put a lot of effort into their fitness and appearance, you'll have to do the same. If that's not as important to you though, there are definitely options out there. Online dating might be rough, but being kind, respectful, comfortable in who you are, and open minded will take you a long way.

I agree in many ways, though I'd say go find a hobby or hangout where you can meet new people. Not a bar unless you drink often and want to keep doing so. A hobby that interests you will find you people who find what you find interesting, interesting.

I met my current girlfriend in my mid 30s. It's not too late.

How over-weight is over-weight? How old are the women you're trying to approach? How are you approaching them? Which career did you choose?

That'll help in enlightening us as to the cause of your rejection

I am like 5'10 and I am almost 200lbs so I am pretty overweight and last time I checked my BMI. I was like tipping on the edge of obese but here's the thing, I don't have like fat legs or anything, its just my stomach that's like fat where its showing the fat the most. I choose to be a software engineer, for approaching women, I tend to ask them more so in settings of shared interests. Like I'd ask questions about them and the things they like where I'd relate to things they said. I tend to be a very curious person so I'd really like to know them in general like their interests and about them in general. I am not really talkative irl and I feel that I am pretty boring because I can be pretty quiet because I am listening to them more which I like to do and its hard to keep the conversation going when you run of stuff to talk about. I don't talk for the sake of talking but to really you know get to know of them i guess if that provides you with enough info about what am I doing

You lack rizz, my friend. I wish I could lend you some of mine, because I have more than I need (when I chose to use it)

Yes, losing weight would help but it isn't everything.

Hmm. My husband is pretty dull in most aspects, but he was doing climbing when we started dating. I thought that was cool. I also happen to like games, as does he- so we bonded over our mutual appreciation for gaming. He also spent a great deal of time in school (he's a mechanical engineer) and though I probably shouldn't tell you this he was a virgin until he was in his 30's. If he can find someone, you can too

I think your best bet is to start trying out different hobbies, especially physical ones (not suggesting climbing, but try hiking? I don't know where you are, but Meet-up is a good way to meet people and hiking seems to be a common thing around where I live)

If you need dating advice you can ask me. I'm about to be 40, but I did quite a bit of it in my 20's and 30's before I settled down. If you land dates I might be able to help you get specific women's attention

What's your type (if you have one) and I mean less about how they look and more about how they act (figuring out what motivates them will be a big step forward in being able to date them)

I guess my type of woman (well looks like wise white American) is someone who’s just kind and caring also who’s more extroverted tbh. I mean I do like someone who takes care of themselves (I’m trying to do that just ya know struggling but not like I gave up on it) and someone who wants a long term relationship that will lead to marriage.

Basically my type is someone who shares the same western ideals as I do (I grew up Muslim but not anymore and I’m brown as well) and someone who’s liberal I guess if that helps.

Gotcha. Lessee. My husband is part Korean, part various Hispanic, and I'm mostly white (born in South Africa so I have a spattering of various ethnicities given that my ancestors were sailors to some degree).

Husband (who also has a strong, white, preference) says that generally women tend to want to stay in their ethnic group, while men are more likely to want someone outside their ethnic group. I'm not certain on the validity of that, since where I live there is a whole lot of variation in couples.

Either way, that might be adding to your challenges! It also depends on your area. Where I live there are plenty of mixed couples, but if you're in a state where people tend to stay within their ethnic groups that's gonna be a lot harder

Finding someone who has your exact beliefs is also extremely difficult. I never would have guessed I would marry someone like my husband. He leans conservative, while I lean liberal (for example).

But what I meant is: if you like a sporty woman, going to the gym is where you might find one. If you like an artsy woman, take a random art class at a community College. If you like an out-going woman, you'll want to check your area for "fun things to do". If what you want is an introvert who plays DnD, then try to find a DnD group. Try to figure out what interests the women you want will have- and then go there.

Keep in mind this will take time. You have to be friends with them first (for long term relationships) and then work your way into their hearts/minds/panties from there.

And side note, you could easily be friend zoned. But, with luck, she might have a single friend who she'd think you'd be perfect with :)

Hey thanks for saying that. I was thinking of maybe joining a therapeutic riding volunteering place cause I noticed that there tends to be a lot more girls there and I might be wrong could be a wrong assumption but hey at least I’ll be able to ride on a horse on to the sunset lol.

my friend, I grew up in a religious cult and did not date until my mid 20s. Had sex for first time at age 24.

I'm doing fine now. If I can do it, so can anyone!

One of my coworkers struggles with this too, but maybe for different reasons.

My coworker projects that he just wants a long term relationship. That's fine and dandy on the surface, but hear me out for a second. Would you rather date someone who loves you specifically, or someone who just wants to be in a relationship? Would you rather be with someone who finds you amazing, or someone who is only dating you because other people their age are dating?

This can also cause the person you're interested in to be concerned about whether you are who you say you are. It may cause them to question if you did really fall for them, or if you're playing the part to avoid being single. People who have experienced that will be more cautious dating anyone who just wants to be with someone.

I'm not saying that's the case for you, but I've seen it happen a lot. I think that's also a part of what people mean when they tell you to focus on building yourself up, and to let love happen when it happens. Don't be like my coworker.

You are still very young, and you have a lifetime ahead of you. Don't count yourself out yet.

If that's the case then that makes sense. Its just that if I stop going out there, I said in my other comment that no one will come to be or I'm just you know alone but not in a good way. There is nothing wrong with being alone but for me its that my family is really forcing me to get married to someone they like and things I value are very different from what the girl my family wants me to marry. I know its fucked up but here we are.

I met my wife at 28. When you do find someone, remember to try to separate whether you love being in a relationship from whether you love them.

The sooner you let the wrong ones go, the more time you have to find the right one.

Good luck!

I had some friends who got married and started their family at 40 years old. You're fine.

Nope. Objectively, I don't think it's too late at any point.

Subjectively... let's just say this post and the comments have been pretty helpful to me as well. (Yes, the post as well.)

(which is to be expected as a man tbh)

Well, there's your problem right there. You go in expecting to be rejected and it's probably going to happen. It's cliche but true, be confident, don't be desperate, just be present. Talk to women like they're men, they're really not any different. Don't go into it looking for a relationship, just go into these things to meet new people and see what happens.

Society and social groups will convince you there's a "right time" for everything. There isn't. We all find our own path, there's no right or wrong way about it.

Here is a shitty little secret: as long as you are clean and look clean your physical appearance isn't the problem.

You either haven't had time to interact with enough people to find someone compatible, you dont know how to treat the people you're interested in dating like they're normal people, or you don't have the spaces to meet people in.

For me its the latter cause its hard to find like-minded people and to keep it going. Life is already hard for a lotta people so friendships suffer so does dating as well cause that's the easiest as people would let it take the backseat.

Bear in mind what you're about to read is the ramblings of an autistic women. I may be a woman, but the world still looks a lot different through my eyes than it does to other women, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Anyway, definitely not too late to date. That part's simple to answer.

As far as losing weight, depends really on how much you weigh as for how it'll effect your dating options. For men, I think gaining a little muscle is more important than losing fat. Even if you weigh quite a lot, if you've got a bit of muscle showing through there will be women who find you attractive. I can't speak for all women, but to me, it's more attractive when a guy's body shows that they're thinking about their health than it is when a guy has a traditionally attractive physique. In other words, a little muscle shows you're putting work in regardless of if you're successfully losing much fat. You'll probably inevitably lose some fat anyway if you gain some muscle, because it speeds up your metabolism.
In the end though, physical appearance isn't as often important to women as it is to men. If you've got a personality that meshes well with somebody, they'll probably like you anyway.

What you're doing to meet people is good, but another good way to find people Imo, is through your hobbies. Although that can be tougher if all your hobbies are male dominated. Even if you do meet women into it in that case, I speak from experience when I say we're expecting to be approached and tend to already have our rejection locked and loaded. If that's the case, I'd say the best option is to wait and see if they show interest in you first.

Making more friends is also good. Besides the fact that it's good for your mental health, they can also introduce you to people, and somebody who knows you well is gonna be way better at finding people who will match well with you than anything like dating apps or searching aimlessly. I was introduced to my wife by a friend. They didn't even intend it as a romantic setup, they just thought we had a lot in common and would make good friends. The romance happened to blossom from that.

I'd end this off by telling you it's good to learn to be happy being single, but I know that's harder than it sounds, and sometimes you can't manage it until you've already been in and out of a serious relationship or two. Do take care of your mental health though. A happy man is an attractive man.

It's actually a great age to date. Improve yourself just for the sake of your own health and you'll do fine.

I've started dating a bit late and let me tell you: you can't really be behind. Yeah, there's some generic interpersonal experience you get from dating, but that maxes out at like, 3 months of dating. So I'd put someone who's dated for 3 months and someone who's dated for like 6 years at basically the same point experience wise, if they're both put into a situation where they're back on the dating market after it.

You do build personal rapport with a person during a relationship, but people start and stop those all the time - everyone's on a different schedule, you can't really compare yourself to that.

Oh, and on the weight loss point - don't sweat it!! Being chubby is way less of a dealbreaker when you're a guy. And the people who do mind aren't people you should be giving a chance to anyways 🤷

You're only 25, of course you will date. Weight loss is not a barrier to meet people, but if you want to work on that, intermittent fasting works well with many people.

Losing weight will only really help your self esteem (probably your health in general which can be appealing to others as well). You're putting yourself out there which is important, try not to make everything you do a search for a potential romance though lol.

25 is very young to think you'll never meet someone. Doctors and Lawyers can take a while to get to finish school so you're not exactly alone. If you're awkward at 25 it's not a big deal tbh, don't sweat being the only single guy in your friend group. I'm sure there's a few guys you know in committed relationships who may wish to trade places with you

You're doing fine. Don't try to force it or focus on it too much tbh. If you are being rejected just move on unless you see the effort as worth it. I am not sure what type of woman you are looking for so I cannot give a good enough answer where to search. You are still very young and honestly I would say keep focusing on yourself while just meeting people.

You might be behind on dating, but you're also behind on divorce. Trust me, it's a double-edged sword, and if you rush into it, you'll only get stabbed in the back. Though of course that isn't to say loneliness itself feels like a dagger (mine is inscribed "platonic" on it). How many platonic friends do you have?

Quite a lot actually, its just that friendships are not really an issue for me but more so like romance I guess. I feel like I can't for the life me flirt or anything that'll convey that I am romantically interested without scarring them off or just get friend zoned (friend zoned is not a bad thing for me I am more than happy to have more friends in life). Its just you know it feels like you're in stuck under a glass ceiling that you can just can't break is what I feel about dating in general.

What would you say separates friendship from a romantic partnership, something you can say always applies to romantic partners but never applies to friends?

Well one thing is that with friends they can come and go a lot more often than romantic relationships. The other thing when it comes to romantic relationships is where you feel a connection which is special and it’s not like spark but more so a level of comfort. A more important aspect that differentiates between friendships and romantic relationships is the vulnerability it offers for men like me but hear me out it’s that men cannot feel the same vulnerability with friends even if you’re the closest heart-to-heart level I’m talking but with relationships it’s just you don’t feel the need to hide things. Sex is the obvious difference lol but that’s like the last thing I’m interested in cause that’s like when we’re the most vulnerable. I mean this is the best I could come up with what makes friendships and romantic relationships separate.

Hell I'm mid 40s and the last time I was single was right about your age. Getting all the school stuff out of the way first puts you on a level to have a better perspective on what you want to have in a partner.

I just got married last year at the age of 35. I think you’re good, man. And yes, losing weight helps. Not everyone likes a fit partner, but most people do.

No it's not too late, you're only 25, that's pretty young. Yes other people have started dating much younger, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter much. Focusing on yourself and your career and education can be attractive to others, so don't worry about having "wasted time" or anything. Losing weight if you're overweight helps, same with gaining weight if you're underweight. Just be sure that the primary focus is health and ignore all the unrealistic body standards in movies and on social media. You're doing well to put yourself out there, don't worry about your friends, I'm sure you'll find someone single that wants to have a relationship soon. You seem to be on the right track, so don't worry. Avoid all the weird dating advice on the internet, it's not helpful.

My only real advice to you is to meet as many girls as humanly possible and do not lower your standards for anyone, no matter how pretty they are.

The only way to be "behind" on dating is to not work on yourself. Sounds like you've been doing a lot for yourself, with your career and losing weight and all. Don't forget therapy. There is nothing more attractive to a girl than just being in a good spot mentally, socially, and physically. Seriously, the bar for men is at ankle height! Most guys don't work on themselves and go through life as a shambling pile of red flags, and then girls settle for that.

When my fiancée first met me, I was living in my parent's basement and biking to work every day because I didn’t have a car. But I had a clear idea of who I was and what I wanted to be, and I was working towards my short-term goal of buying a new car. Somehow that was enough to be an amazing once-in-a-lifetime catch for her. You are way better off than I was, and even I was able to catch a girl that is better than anything I could have hoped for. (At this point in my life, my list of "what the perfect girl looks like" had gotten so long that I had given up on finding someone who fit even most of them, then she walks in and I realize she checked every box on that list, even the childish stuff like having the biggest boobs I've seen in person and having all the same hobbies as me) Point is, don't ever think you aren't worth it. I got my dream girl while living in my parent's basement with no car and no career; if my loser ass can do it, you can too. Have faith in yourself.

On a side note, I think what's making things feel harder is how much more difficult dating is when you aren't going to school. I would recommend getting involved in irl hobbies and keeping your eyes open. That way you are more likely to meet girls who have hobbies in common with you.

25 isn't too young, and makes sense if you have focused on education and career. I followed a similar path in that I spent a lot of time in education, only starting to properly consider courting someone around the age of 25 or 26 after I finished my PhD. Things were complicated somewhat by Covid, but I got married last year at the age of 30.

As to losing weight, I can't speak much from experience on that, but losing some weight may be a good idea, as much for your own health as anything else. Unless you are really overweight (in which case it is a medical issue that you should address), I think you shouldn't worry too much about it in terms of dating.

I didn't start dating until around that age due to some pretty crippling social anxiety. It took a bit to get the hang of things and things were occasionally frustrating but I found my wife in the end. I know it sucks when all your friends seem to have found someone and you are basically just starting out. But friends are still there to be helpful and they generally like to hear dating stories which can be pretty interesting.

Losing weight will likely help you feel more confident which definitely helps. It can also open up more activities for dates.

25 is still young. You’ve got plenty of time. I’m in my 30’s and only recently got engaged. Stop comparing yourself to all your friends who paired up in high school and got married at 20 years old; They’re the exception, not the norm. Even college is young to get married. And besides, chances are good that the early marriages won’t last more than a few years. Then they’ll be right where you are now, but with alimony payments to make.

Hell, remember that most characters in zillennial sitcoms like Friends, HIMYM, New Girl, etc were in their late 20’s and early 30’s. And those sitcoms revolve around dating.

Definitely not too late! But definitely not easy, either! But having the right perspective can help a lot. I never got into online dating personally but it is an option there.

My main recommendation is honestly in local events and hobby type gatherings. That, and the important friends of friends. Your friends surely know other people who know people who are interested in something you like - all it takes is a couple social gatherings and making the right connections. It's important to not look at dating overall as this monumental task that will be some achievement, but rather dating is a path to experience the frivolity of life and the events we put on together! I've always felt that you shouldn't be dating explicitly to "find the one", but rather it is the opportunity to go out and have fun, hang out with friends, make new ones. Live the events that you get to experience :)

Granted, I'm a social person and I do like going out but mostly on my own terms, I definitely recharge with alone time. My experience also is in a very populated area, so I can't really speak to smaller towns and the like, but generally it seems like building a habit from something you enjoy be it a food/drink place or game/store place. Consistency is comfort and comfort is appealing :) things like that can help if you find yourself as someone who doesn't feel as comfortable in larger spaces like that. But a few reminders: it's not imposing to exist and there's no such thing as butting in on a conversation (so long as you don't derail it). If there's a circle, join it! If there's a lull, comment! And don't be afraid to be a planner! Brunches, game nights (lots of fun old board games for $1-3 at thrift stores), invite your friends and the new people you connect with!

These are my social butterfly tips and tricks to having fun and making friends :) I feel that it makes any potential romance even more sweet because the person isn't some prize or goal, they just are someone who you met doing something you love. I think that's an important distinction when looking for dating tips, it makes it so gamified and almost fake. That's part of why I never tried online dating - met some nice people on friends style apps but there's also a lot of scams so... Meh. Although, if you were part of something like a midwest.social lemmy (just as an example) then you could also try meetups since local is more likely.

But personally, I'm a friends of friends events person - although I ended up with my crush from middle school not in this fashion so you never know!

As you say, 25 is not old at all. As long as you keep socializing with friends and coworkers, pursue IRL hobbies ideally social ones, etc. as you mention, I don't think it matters much if it takes you 6 months or >5 years to reach your fitness goals.

The only people I'd consider """lost cases""" I know personally are shut-ins who have long mentally parted ways with baseline humanity. An inability to have a decent conversation with people is harder to fix than being overweight and becomes more of a problem with each year of age. But you seem to be on the right track there!

You're still a spring chicken. Yes, everything you can do to improve your well-being, such as losing weight, helps.

Never too late, although it does sound like you could reflect on how much time you spend on you. Your career is great, but you need to be happy first.

Get weird, find some hobbies or just get on some paid (and therefore more serious and less gamey) dating apps and start finding out what you want and what you like. Lack of experience seems like the hardest thing in the world to overcome, but it’s really not, just gotta relax and make some mistakes. Accept that you’re gonna have some awkward interactions and just try to make each of them a fun story…and don’t take pushy advice to heart.

My stepfather Skyped me recently to introduce me to his new girlfriend. He’s 91. So no, it’s not too late for you to find someone to love. It sounds like you’re doing well at being social. Don’t worry too much about it, just be genuine, open, and interested in the people you meet.

91? NINETY ONE!??

Is your stepfather a vampire?

Ha ha! We are beginning to wonder. My late mother would have been over 100 if she was still alive; he was her toyboy, lol. He’s fit and active, has lots of hobbies, walks everywhere and has opinions about everything. We love him a lot, and hope he is indeed immortal.

I know it feels overwhelming now, but your life has barely started. You’ve got plenty of time!

You are certainly not to old for anything, except youth sports, kiddie meals.

On losing weight - I don't think it's a requirement to be attractive, plenty of people don't care. But I have heard enough stories about partners being distressed when their boyfriend/girlfriend lost weight - the lifestyle can get out of synch if you get healthy and they don't. So if you know that's what you are going to do in the next year or two, I would say at least get started and establish the lifestyle you will need so that it's not a shocking change to anyone you are dating.

And yes, being more conventionally attractive will increase your potential pool of partners but like I put in another comment - looks are an asset but only open doors, nothing else. Once you are through that door, everything else about you is what matters.

I didn't meet my wife until I was older than 25, and to be honest I wasn't ready to meet her until I did. I was very much still figuring myself out, and I didn't even realize it. I recommend that before you even attempt dating people, you first date yourself for a while. I know you focus on your career, but how are you spending your free time? Are you cooking yourself a nice meal that you enjoy? Are you drawing, painting, playing music, woodworking, etc or are you just passively watching TV? Are you getting into anything new? You need to be giving your mind and body the constructive attention that it craves, and that will help you to find out what kind of person you are and what your likes and dislikes are, and most importantly what you enjoy doing with yourself, not just by yourself. Then and only then can you be the confident and interesting person that others will truly desire to spend time with, because you will have fostered personal growth such that you yourself truly desire to spend time with you.

You mentioned losing weight; some general calorie reduction and minor exercise is enough to get pretty fit, but it could take a while depending on how much you weigh and what your target weight is. Don't be discouraged by stagnation. Muscle is dense, and health is more important that weight. Every minute on a treadmill is significantly more productive than spending it on the couch. Even if you have an off day and can't motivate yourself to do the exercise you want to do, you can still do some pushups while you're waiting for your shower water to get hot enough. One pushup is better than zero pushups.

Make a paper airplane right now. Doodle some racing stripes or flames on it. Throw it. Enjoy your own company for 5 minutes and see how you like it. Be your own best friend for the evening. I guarantee it will kickstart you onto a productive path.

my partner felt much the same way you do - she had never had a boyfriend before we got together, when she was 28.

we met through a dating site - OKCupid - don't know if that makes a difference to you.