In the ocean. I punch it once, it swims away. "Yeah bitch, you better run!"
With all the blubber, would a whale even notice a punch, especially if the force was lessened due to water drag?
Notice it? Likely. Interpret it as a threat? Unlikely. Swat you like an annoying insect? Probably.
if it was a Right Whale then by all accounts, it'd take it as a come on.
they're lovers not fighters.
Doesn’t “think you can take on” imply winning though?
If not at least surviving with most limbs attached.
Sit in its blowhole until it suffocates?
Obviously I am not advocating for these beautiful majestic giant beasts to be killed but if it was a life or death thing... I'd be getting in that blowhole like a big old human tampon.
They can hold their breath for 30-90 minutes and can dive to 1000 feet. Good luck.
Their error was sitting in the blowhole. The trick is you have to go in head first so you can steal the oxygen from the whales lungs.
I'm so fucked. But I'll wedge myself in deep, if I'm going down I'm taking it with me!
(reality would be it'd surface and blow me out like a floppy ragdoll)
Later the whale is telling his buddy about the worst booger he had to get rid of.
They have 2 20inch holes, so make sure to bring a buddy!
Get him on land and just keep punching for a few hours and you might just win!
T-Rex. I mean, all I gotta do is remove one pin and the whole skeleton collapses.
Your mom!
Ah ya bastard
Most beasts under 80 lbs. Over 80 lbs, it's gonna be on a case by case basis.
90 lb sloth, no problem.
81 lb wolf, ...problem.
The biggest animal I feel confident in is an 800 lb human. Huge, but that fucker's gonna be exhausted ten seconds into the fight.
Just be careful he doesn't roll onto you.
I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Just run around them until they collapse.
Rule one: cardio
A blue whale. (they won't fight back b/c they don't consider me a threat, and so when they wander away I win by technicality)
I call foul play, there was no "taking on" just "swimming near"
Punch ones, they don't react and swim away, you win by default
They brushed it slightly
A human
ew, i dont want to touch one of thoser with my bare hands though.
Good luck if it bites you. I heard they are real dirty.
Yeah, OP never said the animal had to be non-sapient.
If I had bear hands then probably a small bear.
A large opossum. I could probably handle something larger, but I can only handle one pet at a time and I like opossums.
Yes, I understand you're asking about the largest animal I can fight and I'm telling you that that opossum is going to become a pet if I win.
opossum would be the perfect battle out in the forest.. run up and swing at him a couple of times til he falls over.. declare yourself champ and go party with your hoes.. nobody goes back to check to see if the opossum got back up..
I once saw a chaparral (aka roadrunner) hold it's own against a opossum, so I think you'll be fine
Yeah, but I'd probably adopt whatever I fight as a pet, and I think having a pet opossum would be awesome, so that's what I'd pick to fight.
A giant squid. It would have to be on land though (you never said we had to do it in their natural habitat).
Galapagos tortoise. That's the largest I can think of without teeth and claws, not fast, and not in water.
I mean, it's got a shell, and turles/tortoises can still bite pretty bad without teeth, consider the snapping turtle.
A turtle is a good idea.
A shell is a great defense against a biting predator, but not great against a thinking / tool-using predator.
To be fair, since it was specified that one must fight the animal with one's bare hands, tool use is probably cheating here
Bare hands doesn't necessarily mean "only punches". You can't pick up a rock if there's one on the ground? To me "with your bare hands" means going into the fight without preparation, with your hands empty originally. No guns, no swords, no rocket artillery. Like, you were out for a hike and a ________ attacked you.
Definitely something smaller than a grasshopper.. Lost that fight a few days ago.
Sunfish.
They are enormous wastes of flesh and evolutionary effort.
Probably a fainting goat.
I can totally choke a chicken
Have lots of practice do we?
Hey man.... I can also spank monkeys.
A blue whale, as long as we're on land.
A gnat
I could probably handle a vole okay. Or maybe a tufted titmouse. On a good day.
i 'd avoid the vole, i had pet rats.
if an enraged rodent decides to use it's infinitely regowing incisor powers on you, you're gonna bleed.
A baby naked mole-rat?
Be careful it's not a shrew, they're venomous.
My 3.4lb rabbit recently decided I am not a threat and started chilling in the middle of my walkway at night. She now takes multiple shoves to make move. So, not a bunny
(This took years of work on trust I am mostly bragging my bunny loves me)
Definitely not a cat. I have cats and he wanted to go ballistic on me when I tried to get him off the window ledge when there was another cat outside. I had to push him off with a broom or risk losing an eye even though his nails are trimmed. He's lovely otherwise, I swear.
I can't believe how strong my 8 lb cat is. It took both me and my wife to hold her when the vet was examining her. It doesn't help that cats are slippery and have noodle bones.
You can take on a house cat. If it comes down to you or then, and we're talking for real, you're going to be able to hurt that cat. You'll get scratched up, but you can kill it.
I was only exaggerating to be amusing
Probably a medium sized dog, if I’m being realistic. I can’t fight a fucking bear or box a kangaroo or wrestle an alligator
You can it's just unlikely you'd win
None, I would think how bad I felt if I hurt the cute furry friend, then tried to pet them instead and get mauled.
What's just a little smaller than a goose? I do know my limitations.
I would seriously consider some of the larger animals discussed here, if necessary, in self defense.
But not a goose. A goose comes at me, and I'm going to flee. Those suckers mean business.
A duck-sized duck?
That seems manageable. Geese resort to fowl play.
As a man who has witnessed Duck Raping Season, best avoided.
I hope you were merely a witness and not a participant
What happens during Duck Raping Season stays in Duck Raping Season.
I took on a goose once, actually picked the thing up and threw it, so..... would that be called winning?
Absolutely. Survival is a win when it comes to geese.
If you were not hospitalized, it goes in the W column.
Anything larger than a small insect already freaks me out, so I'm going to pass on this challenge :)
No idea, a capybara maybe?
Bro those things are fucking huge
And they do fight, albeit rarely.
A kangaroo would fking shred you. And while you're trying to hold your intestines in it'll then beat the snot out.
As an Australian who legitimately had to do workplace training on how to deal with aggressive kangaroos (including what happens if you have to defend yourself from one) they arent that scary.
To really go nuts with their legs they have to stop, plant their tail and use it for stability to rear back and kick you and they really dont like being hit in the head and face. So if you keep backing up and moving laterally they arent that dangerous. They are also dumber than sacks of wet shit. In a fight for my life I'd confidently say I could take one, but I doubt Id be in a good state.
Would you fight a big red though?
Not willingly, but I think I COULD win.
Id be less scared of a kangaroo than something like a Deer with antlers or anything with claws. Roos have weak arms, my plan would be to somehow get it in a choke hold and wrap my legs around its upper body, squeeze as hard as I can and start praying.
Hmmmm sounds like a good plan so far
We just have to work on the first bit…
“somehow”
A choke hold is how I think I could maybe handle a small wolf. I've play-wrestled with dogs enough to know how they fight. They're not great at dealing with something that's behind / on top of them. They're surprisingly good at maneuvering their jaws to bite at things that seem like they should be out of reach though.
If you could get under that jaw and keep it from biting you while you were also choking it, I think you could survive. But, getting in close without being shredded by the jaws would be the trick. If you were bare-handed but wearing a heavy leather motorcycle jacket to protect your forearms... maybe? In something like a tee-shirt and shorts, you could maybe win in a fight to the death but you'd take serious, maybe life-threatening damage.
I think, in general, people underestimate how well they could do against an animal in a fight to the death. There are plenty of stories of people fighting off sharks, fighting off bears, etc. Often they take horrific damage, but if the alternative is dying, "winning" is still possible.
By mass or dimensional extent? If the latter, Japanese Spider Crab (12ft wide). If the former, a large dairy cow (2400lbs).
I think you have greatly underestimated how heavily into the "find out" spectrum cows are in the "fuck around" context.
Would I be able to kill it without being injured? Of course not. Would I be able to kill it without being killed? I think so.
Barehands? I'd find it difficult to believe if anyone could manage that. You'd have to choke the thing out which means holding on as it bucks around. Even professional cowboys have trouble doing that and they don't have to focus on choking the cow.
Maybe if you could sneak up on it while it's sleeping and could use a rock or something. Doubt bare hands though.
Doubt bare hands though
Fingers into the eye sockets
I agree with above on underestimating what is effectively an economy car that can decide to hate you and is far better at being able to parallel park on top of your body if you're going in without a weapon.
I've never considered that cows pretty much just decide not to hate us
Thanks for the fun insight into cow psychology
I've thought about this kind of question for a long time. I reckon I can beat up about 85% of the world's population. I am a large man with quite a bit of experience fighting, none in a ring or a cage.
With that said, probably a fully grown dromedary.
A small full grown camel weighs 900 pounds. You're not taking one of them down with your bare hands.
Camels are large, notoriously ill-tempered creatures. I wouldn't, personally, want to get too close to one. My Dad rode a camel in Egypt and did not recommend it.
Most people would struggle to might a medium-sized dog and a horse would be unwise. A camel would be out of pretty much everyone's ability to fight.
Ive spent some time up close and personal with camels.
The fuck I'm not. Put a camel in front of me and I'm gonna fuck them straight up. I'll hop on its back and choke the fuck out it.
On land?
A seal or penguin
They're both pretty slippery though.
Seals are bad motherfuckers
A fat orange cat 🐈❤️
Bare hands means no lasagna.
Uh oh. I'm dead.
Cat bites can have some dangerous bacteria at least, considering how much damage the more lazy of my cats can do if you try to force him to take a pill, I don't think I'd really want to fight one that actually was fighting for all it's worth
A really, really, really sick elephant, so far gone that it cannot move anyway
so basically a suicidal animal
Do my hands have to stay bare?
Like, if there's a stick around, can I pick up the stick? If there are rocks around, can I throw some rocks?
Don’t be a ninnymuggins. Bare hands means bare hands.
How about an adolescent kangaroo?
I reckon a full grown kangaroo. Not that I think I'm stronger (or that it wouldn't fuck me up), but in a fight to the death I think I could outsmart it and outmaneouver it.
I do not think this is close to a 100% certainty though.
They're more strategic than you might think. They'll flee to water sources and try to lure in their predators. Then, when the predator follows them, they pin them down with their strong back legs.
I wouldn't try to take on an Adolescent big red. That is like trying to take on a really ripped human teenager.
I could take a wallaby though... I'm pretty sure, at least.
Quokka don't stand a chance though. Unless it kills me with cuteness first. Adorable little buggers.
IF YOU TOUCH THAT QUOKKA I'M GONNA RIP OFF YOUR ARMS AND SLAP YOU WITH YOUR OWN HANDS!
These were made to be adored and loved...
gotta get behind him, one good kick to the abdomen and your intestines will be hanging out where they don't belong.
those fuckers are strong and their claws can be deadly.
Those fuckers can move.
Ya I think you could get behind it and maybe do a headlock. Maybe?
Blue whale.
You never said I had to win.
They also never said in which environment:
Stranded blue whale.
In the ocean. I punch it once, it swims away. "Yeah bitch, you better run!"
With all the blubber, would a whale even notice a punch, especially if the force was lessened due to water drag?
Notice it? Likely. Interpret it as a threat? Unlikely. Swat you like an annoying insect? Probably.
if it was a Right Whale then by all accounts, it'd take it as a come on.
they're lovers not fighters.
Doesn’t “think you can take on” imply winning though? If not at least surviving with most limbs attached.
Sit in its blowhole until it suffocates?
Obviously I am not advocating for these beautiful majestic giant beasts to be killed but if it was a life or death thing... I'd be getting in that blowhole like a big old human tampon.
They can hold their breath for 30-90 minutes and can dive to 1000 feet. Good luck.
Their error was sitting in the blowhole. The trick is you have to go in head first so you can steal the oxygen from the whales lungs.
I'm so fucked. But I'll wedge myself in deep, if I'm going down I'm taking it with me!
(reality would be it'd surface and blow me out like a floppy ragdoll)
Later the whale is telling his buddy about the worst booger he had to get rid of.
They have 2 20inch holes, so make sure to bring a buddy!
Get him on land and just keep punching for a few hours and you might just win!
T-Rex. I mean, all I gotta do is remove one pin and the whole skeleton collapses.
Your mom!
Ah ya bastard
Most beasts under 80 lbs. Over 80 lbs, it's gonna be on a case by case basis. 90 lb sloth, no problem. 81 lb wolf, ...problem.
The biggest animal I feel confident in is an 800 lb human. Huge, but that fucker's gonna be exhausted ten seconds into the fight.
Just be careful he doesn't roll onto you.
I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Just run around them until they collapse.
Rule one: cardio
A blue whale. (they won't fight back b/c they don't consider me a threat, and so when they wander away I win by technicality)
I call foul play, there was no "taking on" just "swimming near"
Punch ones, they don't react and swim away, you win by default
They brushed it slightly
A human
ew, i dont want to touch one of thoser with my bare hands though.
Good luck if it bites you. I heard they are real dirty.
Yeah, OP never said the animal had to be non-sapient.
If I had bear hands then probably a small bear.
A large opossum. I could probably handle something larger, but I can only handle one pet at a time and I like opossums.
Yes, I understand you're asking about the largest animal I can fight and I'm telling you that that opossum is going to become a pet if I win.
opossum would be the perfect battle out in the forest.. run up and swing at him a couple of times til he falls over.. declare yourself champ and go party with your hoes.. nobody goes back to check to see if the opossum got back up..
I once saw a chaparral (aka roadrunner) hold it's own against a opossum, so I think you'll be fine
Yeah, but I'd probably adopt whatever I fight as a pet, and I think having a pet opossum would be awesome, so that's what I'd pick to fight.
A giant squid. It would have to be on land though (you never said we had to do it in their natural habitat).
You lose that battle 9 times out of 10
1 Lemmy
Galapagos tortoise. That's the largest I can think of without teeth and claws, not fast, and not in water.
I mean, it's got a shell, and turles/tortoises can still bite pretty bad without teeth, consider the snapping turtle.
A turtle is a good idea.
A shell is a great defense against a biting predator, but not great against a thinking / tool-using predator.
To be fair, since it was specified that one must fight the animal with one's bare hands, tool use is probably cheating here
Bare hands doesn't necessarily mean "only punches". You can't pick up a rock if there's one on the ground? To me "with your bare hands" means going into the fight without preparation, with your hands empty originally. No guns, no swords, no rocket artillery. Like, you were out for a hike and a ________ attacked you.
Not to mention siege warfare as an option…
Yes, my favorite bare handed tactic is using a trebuchet
I'll allow it, because trebuchets are great.
I’m just saying you could probably starve them out, but a trebuchet could be fun too. I won’t report you…
Avoid the front end, attack the back end.
I could totally take a 6-year-old human.
fuck off those things are animals
Definitely something smaller than a grasshopper.. Lost that fight a few days ago.
Sunfish.
They are enormous wastes of flesh and evolutionary effort.
Probably a fainting goat.
I can totally choke a chicken
Have lots of practice do we?
Hey man.... I can also spank monkeys.
A blue whale, as long as we're on land.
A gnat
I could probably handle a vole okay. Or maybe a tufted titmouse. On a good day.
i 'd avoid the vole, i had pet rats.
if an enraged rodent decides to use it's infinitely regowing incisor powers on you, you're gonna bleed.
A baby naked mole-rat?
Be careful it's not a shrew, they're venomous.
My 3.4lb rabbit recently decided I am not a threat and started chilling in the middle of my walkway at night. She now takes multiple shoves to make move. So, not a bunny
(This took years of work on trust I am mostly bragging my bunny loves me)
Definitely not a cat. I have cats and he wanted to go ballistic on me when I tried to get him off the window ledge when there was another cat outside. I had to push him off with a broom or risk losing an eye even though his nails are trimmed. He's lovely otherwise, I swear.
I can't believe how strong my 8 lb cat is. It took both me and my wife to hold her when the vet was examining her. It doesn't help that cats are slippery and have noodle bones.
You can take on a house cat. If it comes down to you or then, and we're talking for real, you're going to be able to hurt that cat. You'll get scratched up, but you can kill it.
I was only exaggerating to be amusing
Probably a medium sized dog, if I’m being realistic. I can’t fight a fucking bear or box a kangaroo or wrestle an alligator
You can it's just unlikely you'd win
None, I would think how bad I felt if I hurt the cute furry friend, then tried to pet them instead and get mauled.
What's just a little smaller than a goose? I do know my limitations.
I would seriously consider some of the larger animals discussed here, if necessary, in self defense.
But not a goose. A goose comes at me, and I'm going to flee. Those suckers mean business.
A duck-sized duck?
That seems manageable. Geese resort to fowl play.
As a man who has witnessed Duck Raping Season, best avoided.
I hope you were merely a witness and not a participant
What happens during Duck Raping Season stays in Duck Raping Season.
I took on a goose once, actually picked the thing up and threw it, so..... would that be called winning?
Absolutely. Survival is a win when it comes to geese.
If you were not hospitalized, it goes in the W column.
Anything larger than a small insect already freaks me out, so I'm going to pass on this challenge :)
No idea, a capybara maybe?
Bro those things are fucking huge
And they do fight, albeit rarely.
A kangaroo would fking shred you. And while you're trying to hold your intestines in it'll then beat the snot out.
As an Australian who legitimately had to do workplace training on how to deal with aggressive kangaroos (including what happens if you have to defend yourself from one) they arent that scary.
To really go nuts with their legs they have to stop, plant their tail and use it for stability to rear back and kick you and they really dont like being hit in the head and face. So if you keep backing up and moving laterally they arent that dangerous. They are also dumber than sacks of wet shit. In a fight for my life I'd confidently say I could take one, but I doubt Id be in a good state.
Would you fight a big red though?
Not willingly, but I think I COULD win.
Id be less scared of a kangaroo than something like a Deer with antlers or anything with claws. Roos have weak arms, my plan would be to somehow get it in a choke hold and wrap my legs around its upper body, squeeze as hard as I can and start praying.
Hmmmm sounds like a good plan so far We just have to work on the first bit…
“somehow”
A choke hold is how I think I could maybe handle a small wolf. I've play-wrestled with dogs enough to know how they fight. They're not great at dealing with something that's behind / on top of them. They're surprisingly good at maneuvering their jaws to bite at things that seem like they should be out of reach though.
If you could get under that jaw and keep it from biting you while you were also choking it, I think you could survive. But, getting in close without being shredded by the jaws would be the trick. If you were bare-handed but wearing a heavy leather motorcycle jacket to protect your forearms... maybe? In something like a tee-shirt and shorts, you could maybe win in a fight to the death but you'd take serious, maybe life-threatening damage.
I think, in general, people underestimate how well they could do against an animal in a fight to the death. There are plenty of stories of people fighting off sharks, fighting off bears, etc. Often they take horrific damage, but if the alternative is dying, "winning" is still possible.
By mass or dimensional extent? If the latter, Japanese Spider Crab (12ft wide). If the former, a large dairy cow (2400lbs).
I think you have greatly underestimated how heavily into the "find out" spectrum cows are in the "fuck around" context.
Would I be able to kill it without being injured? Of course not. Would I be able to kill it without being killed? I think so.
Barehands? I'd find it difficult to believe if anyone could manage that. You'd have to choke the thing out which means holding on as it bucks around. Even professional cowboys have trouble doing that and they don't have to focus on choking the cow.
Maybe if you could sneak up on it while it's sleeping and could use a rock or something. Doubt bare hands though.
Fingers into the eye sockets
I agree with above on underestimating what is effectively an economy car that can decide to hate you and is far better at being able to parallel park on top of your body if you're going in without a weapon.
I've never considered that cows pretty much just decide not to hate us Thanks for the fun insight into cow psychology
They can never know what we do to their peers
I think you underestimate the strength of a cow
I've thought about this kind of question for a long time. I reckon I can beat up about 85% of the world's population. I am a large man with quite a bit of experience fighting, none in a ring or a cage.
With that said, probably a fully grown dromedary.
A small full grown camel weighs 900 pounds. You're not taking one of them down with your bare hands.
Camels are large, notoriously ill-tempered creatures. I wouldn't, personally, want to get too close to one. My Dad rode a camel in Egypt and did not recommend it.
Most people would struggle to might a medium-sized dog and a horse would be unwise. A camel would be out of pretty much everyone's ability to fight.
Ive spent some time up close and personal with camels.
They are quite pleasant if you treat them nicely
If you don't, Google camel teeth ....
Nah. I'd dominate it.
OK then, all we need now is a camel.
And a camera, lol
Actual footage of you taking on a camel https://duckduckgo.com/?q=camel+grabbing+man+by+head&t=fpas&iar=videos&iax=videos&ia=videos&iai=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D4NeUl47jqbw
I OBVIOUSLY WOULDN'T TAUNT IT!
The fuck I'm not. Put a camel in front of me and I'm gonna fuck them straight up. I'll hop on its back and choke the fuck out it.
On land?
A seal or penguin
They're both pretty slippery though.
Seals are bad motherfuckers
A fat orange cat 🐈❤️
Bare hands means no lasagna.
Uh oh. I'm dead.
Cat bites can have some dangerous bacteria at least, considering how much damage the more lazy of my cats can do if you try to force him to take a pill, I don't think I'd really want to fight one that actually was fighting for all it's worth
A really, really, really sick elephant, so far gone that it cannot move anyway
so basically a suicidal animal
Do my hands have to stay bare?
Like, if there's a stick around, can I pick up the stick? If there are rocks around, can I throw some rocks?
Don’t be a ninnymuggins. Bare hands means bare hands.
I reckon a full grown kangaroo. Not that I think I'm stronger (or that it wouldn't fuck me up), but in a fight to the death I think I could outsmart it and outmaneouver it.
I do not think this is close to a 100% certainty though.
They're more strategic than you might think. They'll flee to water sources and try to lure in their predators. Then, when the predator follows them, they pin them down with their strong back legs.
I wouldn't try to take on an Adolescent big red. That is like trying to take on a really ripped human teenager.
I could take a wallaby though... I'm pretty sure, at least.
Quokka don't stand a chance though. Unless it kills me with cuteness first. Adorable little buggers.
IF YOU TOUCH THAT QUOKKA I'M GONNA RIP OFF YOUR ARMS AND SLAP YOU WITH YOUR OWN HANDS!
These were made to be adored and loved...
gotta get behind him, one good kick to the abdomen and your intestines will be hanging out where they don't belong.
those fuckers are strong and their claws can be deadly.
Those fuckers can move.
Ya I think you could get behind it and maybe do a headlock. Maybe?
SWEEP THE LEG!
not if it sees or hears you coming.
Be careful, they will attack when you're most vulnerable.
Depends. Do I need to win or is a draw an acceptable outcome? If it's the latter, the blue whale. What's it gonna do, beach itself?
I've tackled and held in a headlock adolescent black Angus bulls.
space whale, just double fist closed the blowhole for strangulation, air? gravity? thats for people who wernt BUILT BIFRENT.
Dove. Sometimes when your shot isn't accurate enough you have to put the little buggers out of their misery.
Big dogs+
Around that 100+ lbs size and things study getting dicey.
Most big dogs start at 100 pounds and are like up to 250 pounds.
👍
i don't fight animals fairly, i can admit it.. i'm just not gonna.. fuck 'em, bring me my shooter..