Former model and Miss Switzerland finalist Kristina Joksimovic 'pureed' in blender by husband - reports

MicroWave@lemmy.world to World News@lemmy.world – 303 points – Former model and Miss Switzerland finalist Kristina Joksimovic 'pureed' in blender by husband - reports
news.sky.com

A former model who was a finalist in the Miss Switzerland contest was allegedly murdered and "pureed" in a blender by her husband, officials in Switzerland are reported to have said.

Kristina Joksimovic, 38, was found dead in her home in Binningen, near Basel, Switzerland, in February this year.

According to local news outlet BZ Basel, a man named Thomas, 41, had an appeal for release from custody denied by the Federal Court in Lausanne on Wednesday after he reportedly confessed to killing his wife, with whom he had two children.

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BZ Basel also said Thomas was arrested the day after Ms Joksimovic's body was found, and initially told investigators he had found her dead and dismembered her body in their laundry room in panic.

Let those who have not dismembered a family member in a panic with a jigsaw and garden shears before dissolving their pulped body in a bath of acid throw the first stone.

When you put it like that... Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge.

It was self defense, after all, and one can never be too safe.

Woman must have been an antideluvian vampire to require such extreme measures.

When Vita-mixes are criminalized, only criminals will have Vita-mixes.

There's a documentary on Hulu I highly recommend called The Jinx, about multimillionaire serial killer Robert Durst. One of my favorite lines from him is "I did not kill my best friend, but I did dismember him".

His family owns like half of NYC. Someone I know used to work directly under them and can confirm the batshit runs down the whole family tree.

No spoilers, but the very end of that series is absolutely insane. Up there with "Icarus" or "An Honest Liar" as great documentaries that end up having a completely unpredictable twist that changes the trajectory of the film completely.

That’s an episode of “Will It Blend?” I didn’t think we’d ever get in real life.

You're terrible, even by my standards, which are impressively low

I like to treat every standard like a limbo bar and see how much lower I can go.

It's one of could have gone my entire life without knowing was a possibility.

A former model who was a finalist in the Miss Switzerland contest was allegedly murdered and “pureed” in a blender by her husband, officials in Switzerland are reported to have said.

That's, that's a brand new sentence.

This is the most psychopathic thing I have seen in quite some time. wtf

Yeah I didn't need to read this headline as soon as I woke up

I dunno I thought nothing was gonna beat the Olympian that was hunted down and set on fire by her Ex just earlier this month but yeah this beat it.

This story is wild to read, how do you purée someone and still find a body and determine they were strangled?

I mean, considering how some of them can struggle with ice cubes, you'd need one hell of a (consumer grade) blender to effectively get rid of a body

Start with a wood chipper.

Saw that in a movie once.

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute.

Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

Yeah but that sprays evidence everywhere, best to find a deep, dark, cold lake somewhere.

If you can get the body out to international waters over a particularly deep section of ocean maybe... not gonna trust a lake to not betray me

Unless it's the big lake Gitche Gumee in November... then you're golden

Lake Superior is deep enough. but it's cold enough the corpse won't go away anytime soon.

I imagine you can fit a wood chipper into a boat and then take care of all the problems that way.

I have it on good authority that Lake Superior never gives up her dead.

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I suspect he vastly underestimated the scope of the job.

Shopkeeper: Oh, hello Thomas, back already? How was that blender? Not big enough you say? Well how big do you need? A whole large coconut you say?

I found about 66 liters as the volume of the average person. Assuming a regular 1.5 liter blender, that would mean roughly 44 blending sessions. And that's not taking into account the problems you'll have with large bones or bones in general.

Bones, tendons, cartilage those blades would probably be toast after about 30 minutes. The article also mentioned chemical so I'm assuming he tried to do some form of chemical treatment but it wasn't moving along fast enough.

The article is unclear about which body parts were dismantled and blended, i assume he just did the arms and legs or something. Which leaves a lot of the body to be found and analyzed.

Basically, if i get this right, he was cutting the body in pieces and blending them one by one, which i assume must be a long process so no wonder he got caught. Honestly if i were to get rid of a body that would also be my plan in its entirety

Not to mention hell for your blender. Bones…aren’t exactly “puréeable.” Any blade would get dull pretty fast when going through human body parts.

Some people.

Not for your Vitamix 5200 it ain't! Buy Vitamix™️ today and get 8 years warranty with a 30 day return guarantee! Only $499.99!

tamper holder not included

Meh. I’m team BlendTec. They’d probably make a commercial for this. “Next on Will It Blend! Fashion models!”

... don't breathe this!....hmmm Olympic runner juice 🥤. Sorry just had to. I'm a total disgrace, this is serious and sad. Sorry, really. It's only slightly funny.

"We're here about the homicide. Where's the body?"

"Nope, ain't nothing here except 60 litres of strawberry smoothie".

You'd be surprised the things they can figure out with modern forensics, maybe low oxygen in the remaining tissue, maybe a special enzyme that activates in the lungs when you are carbon dioxide poisoned.

The leaps in detection technology even in the last ten years are astounding.

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"the ruling from the court held Ms Joksimovic was strangled to death."

CSI Switzerland must be fucking wizards, man.

He might not have finished blending her corpse. I think they can also determine the cause of death from tissue samples sometimes.

Because what sane person, who upon walking into their home and finding a loved one unconscious (or even worse :dead:) doesn’t reach for their blender.

Amiright, guys??

Look I was hungry and the fridge only had two slices of cheese, a quarter of a bottle of expired milk, and some random sauce packets. I worked woth what I had on hand.

What brand was this blender? I would like to know, not because I have any former models that need blending, but because that thing must've been a tank

I mean they found a body so I assume it wasn't that great

The Swiss make some great precision machinery, I bet it was a Swiss brand.

Asking the real questions here. I've got a ninja and I'm pretty sure there's no way I could puree bones.

Because that would sure eliminate the DNA evidence...

A murderer and a moron.

Redundant, 99.99% of murderers are complete morons.

I don't know about morons, but you have to be pretty ignorant to think you can get away with murdering your spouse these days.

I assume that that's what the chemical solution was for.

Maybe, but you can watch pretty much any true crime story about a modern murder and see that, at this point, it's so hard to hide you or your victim's DNA that most of the unsolved cases are mostly due to police fuckups. Or deliberately ignoring evidence.

Ehhh idk about that one. In a case like this? Sure. Random crimes are almost never solved tho. If you go two states over in a car, shoot someone in the face, and then go home, then you're almost never gonna get caught. Especially if it occurred somewhere with a high crime rate or to a member of a marginalized community.

Don't get any ideas tho!

Very true, especially in countries like the US:

https://www.npr.org/2023/04/29/1172775448/people-murder-unsolved-killings-record-high

https://thehill.com/homenews/3878472-nearly-half-of-us-murders-going-unsolved-data-show/

For the US, the national average is around 40-50% for unsolved homicides. Some states/cities are even higher. Pretty depressing, really. We live in a heavy Police State society and yet law enforcement fails so badly in their primary purpose.

Most of murders aren't calculated acts with an escape plan, a lot of them done in a heat of a situation or under some influence.

This guy probably didn't thought he'd do that and then panicked, couldn't manage to find any other way to get rid of the body but using a blender he usually used to smash vegs and stuff.

Other ways of life could've probably lead him to another tool or method he is comfortable with in his day-to-day life, but his first thought was a blender.

TBF if it looks like paste as opposed to a murder victim you're less likely to DNA test it in the first place. It's moot because it was the spouse in this case, though, and I'm skeptical he got that far with just a hand blender. (Unless he moved to a real one afterwards?)

I have to go through the entire rest of the day having this in the back of my mind the whole time. GFD. 🫣

The start of the headline lured me in for the biggest WTF moment I've had in ages. I'll be sweating bullets the next time I see something about a former model/Miss-Wherever

People following the story of a former Olympic runner: First time?

My mind couldn't contemplate the title when I first read it. I thought this was some sort of AI art or deep fake "blender" program that he was selling nudes or vids of her that he had constructed.... the whole actual person being put into a blender just didn't even compute.

I was so confused at the title too. What does being "pureed" in blender animation software even mean?

Why do people suddenly call a mixer a blender? Isn't "blend" related to light? English makes no sense.

English makes no sense.

Too true!

Isn't "blend" related to light?

You can use blend for anything, especially if you're creating a mix of two original things. And you could mix light too (you have things like mix() for colors in CSS).

In cooking, I would call something you use to mix dough a mixer, and something you use to make a smoothie a blender. I guess there are some subtle differences in "feel" but the words are almost interchangeable.

They quoted the word "pureed" which means there was butter and potato starch involved

That's better. I was afraid he was just gonna chop her up. But having her as some portion of a meal... So much better.

Protein, carbs and fat, you need all three in the right amounts for a healthy diet!

What the actual fuck? No jail for this motherfucker, just throw him into a vulcano

smooth

Okay gallows humor here, fair warning.

Have you ever made a fucking smoothie? Do you know how hard it is to get that last little bit of ice to properly puree? Now imagine trying to blend fucking bone.

If this happens ever again, people are going to call the police on each other when they make smoothies for dinner. This is why the TSA will have a separate tray for blenders.