I hope you don't have any plans this evening.

Flying Squid@lemmy.worldmod to Lemmy Shitpost@lemmy.world – 675 points –
148

Amateurs. Never put a date on your rapture predictions. Just say it is happening soon.

Better yet, if you get enough people to listen to you, start saying you're Jesus.

totally not cult behavior

Thank god there is no ninth of hexadecember, so no worries.

Maybe this in Julian calendar?!

That means we only have 247 years left!! REPENT!!

My favorite month in the dual-year. Junetobuary.

It's almost 9pm where I am and there's no sign of it. Jesus better hurry his ass up if he wants to be on time.

Maybe everyone around you is a filthy sinner.

Maybe that's been the joke for centuries. The rapture happened but nobody made the cut. Seems consistent with the Bible.

Maybe they're the filthy sinner and got left behind

Oh if the rapture people's idea of god is the right one, I'm definitely not getting into heaven. But that's ok, heaven would be full of people I'd never want to hang out with anyway.

19th here, I think I got left behind.

It's happening on the 9th of 18th month, we've still got some time.

But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

Matthew 24:36.

RTFM, noob.

Does this imply that the rapture won't happen on any day any man or angel predicted it, and suggest that these crackpots are either delivering a "no rapture today" message from the Lord Almighty or else embarrassing Her into putting it off?

Hi guys, its the 19th here in Australia already and I can confirm that I have been Left Behind to suffer heck on earth for being a sinner and Im super over it already.

You sure everybody got raptured and you're not just in Australia?

Nah mate, that's just fuckin Thursdy.

Aw fuckin' hell!

ahhh cheer up mate, its friday tomorow, fuckin pissup day!

Mate, Im doing cashies for a bloke all long weekend, 6am starts, Im bloody spewing. Reckon he'll sling me a block of piss though, so she'll be right.

It's true. I'm getting raptured right n

Well, well, well. Look who became a gentile and got themselves raptured.

Okay, you got me, I'm still stuck here with all of you heretics

9-18-24 9-19-24 9-20-24 9-21-24 9-22-24

I mean...if they keep this up they will be right eventually...right?

They were always right about the date. They just were wrong about what Jesus is looking for.

They may have screwed up their ISO date format. They really mean it'll happen on the 9th day of the 18th month of 2024.

It tracks

Never mind the old flippediroo of the day and month. What I want to know is why is there a dash in front of the date. I thought the separators went between the things to be separated.

Not again

Afraid so. Hope you enjoy the great snatch.

sigh - Days without thinking about her: 0

What happens if you have a Sinful Thought during "The Great Snatch"? Do you get un-Snatched? What if you immediately Repent? Do you get Snatched again? Will there be people bouncing back and forth indefinitely?

So I was justified when I left those dishes in the sink. Thank goodness. Thank you, Jesus.

Some archeologists get paid to dig up old kitchen tools from early human history. You’re just leaving stuff for the archeologists in 2424

so nobody can know the date of the rapture, and if someone figures it out god'll change it?

what if I make a website that just says "the rapture will be [current date +1]"

checkmate?

What mental gymnastics do you think the sign maker will have to perform, when nothing happens today?

Something about god’s holding out to see if Trump wins because he’s not sure wait hold on…

This is someone who is clearly winded after light mental calisthenics.

But imagine how foolish we all would look if this would happen. 😁

It's probably a coded message. Read it in the order of colors.

Jesus is rapture - 9-18-24 will on coming the happen.

It all makes sense!

JESUS IS THE RAPTURE

COMING WILL HAPPEN ON 9-18-24

sigh… if you insist

Post-Rapture looting anyone?

Why do you think I still live in Texas?

I don't know how to post gifs 😭

You have to post an external link to them, you can't upload them.

![](https://media.tenor.com/images/2b1a714182a6d0558d33f8c61f3d00b4/tenor.gif)

God, I wish God would actually just end this cringe already.

Oh, shit! Who will water my plants?!

It's your lucky day - I happen to run a post-rapture plant watering and pet sitting business - I'm sure as shit not getting raptured.

Great Scott! I was so busy packing, I forgot about the dog! Quick! What are your rates! Nevermind - here's my bank info - I won't need money anymore!!

No worries, friend - doggos to the left, wallets to the right - peace be with you and whatnot!

I'm guessing you haven't had many customers yet?

Also, you think you're not getting raptured but you are literally offering a good thing for people that won't even pay you. Pretty sure Jesus would think you were dope.

If he follows through he'll be in on round 2 of the rapture I guess

I'm only a new startup, so I'm looking to take on my first clients.

I figure things will work out - people that believe in the rapture tend not to pay attention to all the "love thy neighbour", golden rule, feed the hungry, bathe the lepers Jesus teachings...

Good thing I tried pegging for the first time tonight then! Ticked that one off the bucket list just in time!

Haha! Yeah right, this is like the ten thousandth time they've s

Sorry, gonna have to miss the rapture, I have DnD this weekend.

Still the 18th here. Anyone know where I can buy some inflatable sex dolls and helium at this hour?

Why helium?

To inflate the sex dolls.. He prefers doing chicks when they're high.

Maybe so the sex doll will go to heaven too

Oh I get it. He knows because he's a depraved perv he isn't getting raptured so he's gonna fill it with helium, hold on as it rises, then enter heaven with a sex doll and fuck it silly in front of St Peter while cumming with a high pitched moan.

Good plan, actually.

Can we reschedule? I have plans tonight

Jesus is having sex today.

I didn’t get raptured, too much thc and alcohol in your system makes you too heavy for the angels to carry I think.

If all the good folk are gone though I sure hope for less traffic on my road trip this weekend. Praise jeebus? 🤷‍♂️

Spoiler alert: it's already happened, and all the virtuous people already ascended to heaven.

I REFUSE to believe gahd has put me on par with Karen by leaving both of us on Earth! I demand to talk to his manager!

"Yes! I have the foresight to predict The Rapture^TM^, but not the foresight to fit the words onto a cardboard sign..." lol

Seems like the planning for this was the same planning they put into making the words fit on the sign.

c/agedlikemilk

POV: It didn't happen

Oh man I'm here just waiting to look at jesus and say "Fucking took you long enough!! wtf you doing up there while I was working my ass off you fuck? I hope that linda bitch is not coming with us!"

I'm pretty sure my plans are fine. Jesus is going to take one look at us and turn around.

There were 666 likes to this post. I ruined it by turning it to 667!

Do we need any more proof that the rapture is over and we missed it?

Is that why there's an abandoned pair of shorts in the parking deck? And here I thought someone was running around pantless.

It's gonna be 10:12pm so we have time for a last meal still if you want before Jesus chucks everyone in the woodchipper. 😊

Batting .000 here religious sign guy.

Welp, I have only now seen this post on the 19.09.2024.

I guess I did not only miss the notification, but also the rapture itself.

I hope it's during work hour. Would be shame to do whole days work just to get eaten by the rising dead.

Fuck no it ain't gonna happen, I gotta finish my studying so I can actually work fuck that