Why does “come here” bother me so much?

you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.

"Hey hubby, I'm not sure why, but when you say "Hey come here" to me, I feel really stressed as I'm walking to you not knowing whether it's a good 'come here' or a bad 'come here'. Can we workshop a way to communicate that doesn't feel so stressful to me? Could you say something like "hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this."?"

Tell him what you are feeling until he understands and wants to help you feel less stressed. Another option is to ask while you are walking, something simple like "good or bad?"

I think I get it, and maybe I'm wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don't know how to set up boundaries.

Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what's all about, and I don't want to go all the way there- I don't go. I just yell back at them, "what is it?" Until they tell me. If they don't, I don't go. If they insist, I can explain I'm either busy or don't feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don't know what is it about.

"Hey, [husband], it really bothers me when you just say come here, because it makes me feel X and Y. Can you not do this anymore please? Instead, if you want to show me something say something like Z."

People are not mind readers. Talk to eachother.

Because, unless it is an emergency, the "come here" person expects you to drop whatever you are doing and immediately switch your attention to what they are doing. If it is only "come here" then they provide, like you say, no information as to how important it is or if you even care about it. They may not intend it but it feels like a lack of respect that their time is more important than yours.

You're not alone. My wife does this all the time, usually by text, which is even more annoying since we're always within earshot of each other.

I think it bothers you (and me) because it's akin to someone ringing a bell for their servant. It doesn't value your time at all to simply call you over with no context.

Once in a while? Fine. Always? That's just being disrespectful.

I've simply resorted to "what is it?", "I'm busy right now" or "I'll come later", and that usually ends up with a "never mind", so I know it was never something important enough to stop what I was doing.

I'm going to guess that it doesn't occur to him that when someone demands your attention like that, you imagine the worst. It might help him to know that.

I'm like you in that regard. I got used to asking back "Is there a problem?" That seemed to help me feel less stress sooner.

Maybe the combination of these two things would help.

Good luck.

Imagine not talking to your partner about this and instead posting online

No, that's annoying. If he's a reasonable sort he'd be willing to recognize that too. However, fixing this kind of simple, ingrained-from-childhood habit is a pretty epic amount of effort, and I can all but guarantee he's mentally weighing whether the effort (probably weeks to months of it) will be overall less annoying than whatever the bad habit is costing you.

Also worthy of note that he's probably going to severely underestimate how much it actually does cost you, because it's not necessarily strictly logical, it's a conditioned response that built up over time.

Worth having a serious chat about imo.

So I'm your husband and my wife is you. I can tell you the reason I do it is that it can be difficult for me to necessarily formulate exactly what I want to say about what I want to show you. I want to share whatever experience it is, but trying to explain exactly why stresses me out.

On the flip side my wife will just tell me what she saw after the fact and I'm left there thinking "...why didn't you tell me to come look."

This is a pet peeve of mine as well.

Long ago I noticed that on Star Trek, nobody wanted to tell the captain what was going on over the comms, they wanted the captain to stop what they were doing and go to a different part of the ship / station. I always eyerolled at the absurdity of the staff having so little respect for the captain’s time.

Then it started happening to me. I’m not a captain, my time isn’t that important, but have a little respect for what I’m currently engaged in? maybe?

Wanting your best friend to experience something like you did for the very first time is the sole reason he's doing this. Sure, it can be annoying, but at least it's coming from a place of love and a hope for a common connection. He's not trying to inconvenience you, though he may be.

Sounds like you should take this up to him, and ask him yourself, having communication is really important, and remember, you could be doing something that also annoys him and he doesn't say anything

Start putting limits. "No, I'm not going until you tell me what's about." Ignore any immediately subsequent invocation. Actions speak.

Because when someone says "COME HERE" they're making the statement that whatever you're doing is pointless shit that can be dropped immediately.

I didn't tolerate that with my parents, and I sure as shit wouldn't tolerate it with a spouse. If you can't be bothered to give me a reason to go there, don't fucking tell me to go there.

"Hey, check this shit out!" - Fine. Implies it's on my own time. "Could you come in here?" - Fine. A request can be denied. "Come here." - I'm not your fucking dog.

My gf used to do that and I found it super annoying. Seems obvious why - do I want to get up over and over again and walk into the other room? No. I might be busy doing something, also. Sometimes the things she’d want me to see were very trivial, too. So it can be inconsiderate. I explained I found it annoying and had to start saying “no”.

She also does a similar thing verbally, like she’ll say my name from 2-3 rooms away. I’ve asked her to rather than say my name and make me yell across the house, please just say whatever it is, or even better, SHE can get up and tell me. To make it more annoying, sometimes she says my name, i respond, then she doesn’t say anything. Again, it’s inconsiderate. I don’t want to be required to shout “YES??”. I’ve asked her repeatedly to please not do it and she still does this.

Since she won’t stop and I’ve told her countless times that I don’t like it, I started responding with a pissy or harsh tone of voice like “WHAT??”…. which has no effect at all. I’d rather not be unpleasant, though… but asking her to please be more considerate and listen to me has no effect at all.

I can see how this would be exhausting after a while. I get a "come here" from my wife every couple of days or so when my daughter is doing something cute, or something weird is happening outside. It's generally reserved (for the most part) for something fleeting that's worth coming there to see.

As Tyrone from Trailer Park Boys would say, "You're sayin' "come here'" too many times! 80 or 90 times? That's too many times! Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?! That's too many "come heres", know'm sayin'? That's too many times. Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times?"

Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ?

maybe he just wants to spend time close to you. maybe he likes the way you smell, or the way you stand near him.

it's selfish and silly to ask you to drop whatever you're doing to attend him, that's inconsiderate and you need to find a way to communicate it. but perhaps he's just bad at requesting your company.

I can relate. I'm a words person. If my wife tells me to come see something, I'm thinking "just fucking tell me." If I click on a news link, and it's a video instead of an article, it's the same thing: "just fucking tell me." But not everybody is a words person.

"Come here" feels unnecessarily directive to me. Like you, I'd be annoyed too if someone tried demanding my presence like that. You're not his to command.

My wife and I, if we want the other to see something, usually just say "Hey babe - check this out", and the other feels comfortable saying "Hang on" if they're doing something else. If it has some urgency, we'll add context: "Hey babe - come see what this idiot's doing in his car out the front". If what we want to show is portable (eg. a video on our phone) then we go to them.

Next time, I'd just respond with "What is it?".

instead of letting contempt fester in you why not literally just say "im busy rn can it wait?" and then give your partner some fucking time later to share something with you they find interesting? you sound like a bitter person tbh. maybe just talk to them damn.

What would annoy me about it at least, is the implication that whatever you're currently doing doesn't matter at all. To him, whatever is currently on his mind takes precedence over anything you could possibly be doing at the same time. He doesn't even think about how important or relevant to you the thing is that he wants to show you, because he doesn't value your time the same as his. You're supposed to just drop everything and do as you're told.

Not telling you what it's about also increases the sense of urgency (the implication being that there's no time to explain; the bird could be gone from the windowsill or the kid could have fallen out of the window) while at the same time making it harder to make an informed decision about actually hurrying over or refusing. If you'd ask for an explanation, it might already be too late after all.

When my wife sees something interesting while in the car, she just points and says, "look!" And by the time I figure out what I'm supposed to look at, it's already gone.

Aw, he just wants to share something with you.

I understand that it bothers you when he asks but maybe it's because you feel obligated to get up and go?

Have you tried not doing that? Seriously, tell that dude to tell you what it is or ignore him until he comes to you. You're the master of your brain, big dawg. Don't stress 🙏

Not the same by my husband used to start to tell me something bad, without any other info. As he’d be telling me whatever it was, I’d be tallying the cost in my head. When you’re listening to a story, and stressing the fuck out about the tens of thousands, or more it was going to cost to fix it, it’s terrible and an emotional roller coaster you don’t need. Eventually, after explaining multiple times, what he was doing to me, it finally clicked. So now he’ll tell me things like “so, I broke the blah blah, but I was able to fix it for $10 and some bloody knuckles.” Then he tells his story, and I’m able to actually listen and participate in then conversation.

He also used to tell me stuff like “oh btw we need to talk about xxx” and then try to get off the phone. Xxx was always something that could be really bad or just funny story. I broke him of that habit too. Now it’s more like “everything’s fine, just need to talk about xxx” this one’s like someone telling you “we need to talk” and then leaving you hanging for a day or two imo.

Only thing I call tell you is to talk to him. Explain in great detail exactly how stressful it is to you. He SHOULD be willing to change his action to stop hurting you. If he’s not, base your choices off that.

Maybe it's a language barrier thing "come here" sounds rude to my German brain. Like an order you give a dog, not the way you ask a person to come to you. "Check this out" seems the same but it sounds much better to me.

My wife doesn't do it all the time more when we first got together but she would call my name, like I'm a fucking dog. I just started saying "What?" Sometimes she would just say "come here" as a response and I would just give an akward silence for a second and say "Why?" with some attitude behind it. She figured out that it bothered me and stopped. Communication is cool.

Other advices are good, talk to him and explain how hard it is on you.

My suggestion is not to expect fast change even if he understands the problem. This habits are hard to change, but possible. Just talk to him and talk again and again until he changes it.

Another idea is that he is, unintentionally, projecting his stress onto you. I would guess he dies have some anxiety or depression issues, maybe evem he is not avare of. This is socially acceptable way of showing it to his partne.

This sounds like a you problem that can only be resolved by talking to him about it. Maybe a counselor or therapist if necessary.

You are normal and have every right to be bothered by it. Have a chat with them and let them know how much it bugs you, and offer them an easy fix: just provide context.

20 years ago when my wife and I first got together, we had a lot of minor issues like this (minor to me not for you).

She was a “come here” lady and I would prance, leap, breathe like a dog, move my head in joyous ways and bark as I came to her. It was a hilarious way for me to say it’s kinda disrespectful.

It’s all about communication. Just have a talk. These days, it’s all “hey babe, check out this funny video!” Or she will “hey look at the mess you left, come clean it up, I’m not your maid” and we’d joke about getting her a maid outfit for fun times. lol

I have a different nickname for my wife when I want her to come to me. So it's just so easy I just have to shout and she'll show up in a matter of seconds. But if call her by regular name, she'll just reply asking. WHAAAT?

Also I think you're bothered because "come here" is just so basic, feels like an order, we see ourselves as something being told to dogs. Just two more words can change the tone a lot "can you come here?"

it’s more to do with their inability to use words to describe what they are seeing. Lack of ability to communicate. And yes, it can be very exhausting. You just reminded me of one relationship I’m actually very very relieved it ended because he was very much a draining human being.

tell him to stop issueing the command of "come here," and instead offer up alternatives.

"Hey, you got a second to see this?"

"Honey, you gotta check this out!"

"Honey, drop everything you're doing and run to me"

"Hey babe, come experience this crazy thing with me!"

I have a similar issue with a co-worker that I trained under for a while: when he wanted to show me how to do a thing, he wouldn't tell me what he was instructing me on, he would just start walking me through steps so that he could reveal what was finished at the end.

I ended up having a blow up where I told him to tell me what I was doing before I started doing it, and that he isn't a fucking magician.

Editted to add: I started calling him Houdini for a while, which is what made him stop

Because “come here” is a command, and when a pattern emerges over the lifetime of a relationship it is disrespectful to you. Are you a dog?

I guess it bothers you as it's a command, not a request. I'm not to responsive to commands as well. My wife doesn't give them, but states a situation, usually expecting I drop everything and respond. (almost as bad)

As someone already reacted, in the car I get a 'look' as well, but th's usually because she sees an old car. (When busy with traffic, I miss it, but we have some nice spots)

Some consideration from your partner is appreciated though, but that requires telling what is wrong as well. Without communication the problem only escalates. (Which usually doesn't bode well for relationships)

My mother is like this as well, when I was little she used to only say "come here!", and if I wasn't showing up right next to her she wouldn't say what she wanted to say, she would just stay silent. Sometimes it was only to let me know it was someone's birthday.

She even says it unconsciously now. She lives in Venezuela, I live in Brazil now, and during calls she still says "come here" and every time I tell her "Now how am I gonna go there right now? Are you paying for the plane tickets?"

It's not just you, you're not mental, it's fucking frustrating and at some point in my life I just decided not to react to her "come here" and keep quiet until she tells me what she wants, otherwise I'm not interested.

You hate it precisely because of how you described it. It's a game where you often end up paying a price, where the reveal is more often a punishment, not a reward. You've sensibly learned to dread it.

His half of the game is that always gets is to see your reaction in the moment. If it's something bad, he gets a big reaction out of you. It's always a payout for him. Not for you.

Follow up question, have you had a discussion with him about this? Have you two attempted to approach and solve this problem as a team already?

I think you alone might need some counseling. Because that is not healthy. Just enjoy the fact that your partner invests time, thought and energy in you by showing you stuff.

Thats just how he talks. Tell him to try and rephrase it. It can take a while if he is stuck in his old ways though.

Why

Because you're not the property of a huge baby

I hate it, too. It's like someone ordering a circus animal to perform.

I also hate it when I get vague open-ended texts like "favor?".

What does he do if you stay where you're at and ask what he wants you for?

My husband does this too, and when I ask “What’s up?” he coyly replies “You’ll see!” Argh!

your post has just illustrated to me how blissfully uncommon it is that anyone ever tells me to "come here".

I can't tell you the last time someone said it. I'm sure it's not super long ago but I don't remember a specific circumstance.

There have been differently phrased instances, though:

"hey, can you have a look at this for me please?"
or
"i'd like to show you something"
or
"i need your help with something"
or
"i want to go over something with you when you get a chance" while implying by nodding toward the hallway out of earshot from the others in the office
etc.

...
jordan howlett does it on his youtube shorts though i guess? but that's not to ME, that's to the whole audience. and he zooms in with his phone camera. freaking love that guy.

Did you tell him?

No! You go over there!

This is an annoying trait that my moms husband has. It's ok to let it annoy you. It shouldn't be fucking with your day. If he says come here just say I'm doing or in x(watching the TV, in the kitchen, eating lunch, cleaning) it doesn't need to be super important but it'll just communicate you're doing something she he can bring the news to you. It should not stress you out though. Just change the dynamic a bit.

You're not alone, tho I usually don't deal with that. when someone tries that on me, unless it's in a situation where they literally can't move from that spot, I go "Ok, cool. YOU come here, then." Why? Simple: you wanna show me something. when I need you for something, then I'll walk my ass over to you and ask/show you what i need. Pretty reasonable ask to give me the same courtesy back, i think. Only one that's exempt from that is my ma, everyone else is gonna get a variation of the above.

Ask him to add "This is interesting!" followed by "please".

If he won't, repeat the request 3 times, then announce that you're going to pretend he didn't say a thing and refuse to move.

My wife does this, and I understand where you're coming from. Especially if I'm in the middle of something. Although, at least for me, it's usually a nice thing she wants to show me, I'd rather know what she wants me for before I make my way over to her. If I ever need her presence I go to her and tell her what I need her for, but she always tells for me in another room. I think that's what bothers me about it. I'd like her to do for me what I do for her.

I've heard other people complain about this behaviour. The problem is that your husband is extorting a reaction from you. You are obliged to generate the reaction, out of politeness and respect for his feelings. There is a cost attached to this performance that you are bearing but not really much of a reward. I know because I'm doing it to my wife and she hates it. My daughter is doing it to me and I hate it. I should stop but torturing her like this is fulfilling some dark corner of my mind.

My wife does that, too. I mean, yes, sometimes we just want to show something and sometimes it's only cool with a tad of surprise (a cat that has hidden in a funny spot or something), but she has me running around for absolutely nothing very often.

Tell him “No, if you want something from me come to me, I am not a puppy”. That should be enough. See how he reacts, either like a bratty kid or like an adult.

There seems to be two kinds of people giving advice here. The ones that try to analyze the situation rationally and give both of you the benefit of the doubt and the ones that have actual experience dealing with a person like this. I've been dealing with the exact same thing as you for over two decades. If you can't live with this issue don't bother trying to fix it. If that person ignores your request for comfort repeatedly it is definetly a mental health issue.

• It could be trauma or fear of rejection. Maybe they are afraid that if they give you the choice to come to them instead of commanding it, you could reject them and they are afraid of that feeling. Thats the best case scenario, because this can be worked on.
• They could also be just plain stupid. Forgetting that you asked them not to do that, or not knowing how to fully communicate their intent. This sucks, because it's really not their fault.
• It could be a form to get pleasure from control. As long as they keep calling you and you keep coming they will get the happy chemicals in their brain. This sucks too, but if you stop complying they will likely find something else to give them the same feeling.
• Worst case, they are a narcissist, who don't value your time or opinion but will pretend they do just enough to not inconvenience them. *This sucks the most, because they will never change - their brain is hardwired that way. They can only be learned to be dealth with, ignored or avoided.*

I'm not an expert in psychology, just somebody who had to deal with this issue long enough to know how it slowly wears you down and poisons your relationship.

As others have noted, this is a command, an imperative in grammatical terms. It's offensive. The last thing I want to hear after a shit day at work is someone telling me what to do.

Maybe talk to him about this maybe get him to phrase it differently. "I found something I think you'ld like," or something like that.

It’s a manipulation of sorts; you’ve followed the first command so now there’s an expectation to follow the next when you get there.

If you want to mess with these people (or stop it), agree to go there and then say no and walk off on the next command.

Tell me you're fat without telling me you're fat

You sound mental. Talk to someone.

Damn, that suck, it must be miserable /s. I really feel for you having someone who wants to share their life, their experiences, and who wants to interact with you. Can you imagine having shared experiences with a loved one? Shared highs and lows, likes and dislikes? Discussions about anything and nothing? You could be like me sitting alone in a big house, browsing Reddit Lemmy. (Trying to keep my snark from turning too dark, but I do miss being with someone who wanted to share their life with me)