You're thinking of his neighbor, the accomplished scarecrow.
🎶 Fenton's Stable and Horse Ranch
That looks like a gorilla with horse parts grafted onto it
Eat oats.
Studying the blade
Get swole
Taking karate lessons
Not to brag, but, with a little bit of trainig, I think I can easily win against a trout, as long as the fight is not in the water.
But we're only talking hypotheticaly, of course. It would only come to that if the trout picks up the fight first and we don't manage to resolve our issue with healthy communication... I'm not a monster.
How about this... We split the difference and go out for some pescaito frito. 🔪🐟🍴
my toxic trait is thinking I could win a fight with a goose
no you can't
I'm not huge or athletic but I probably weigh, like, twice as much as a goose. I get that they're incredibly pissy and they have teeth and pointy bits, but I'm still betting on me.
Our battle will be legendary. I may lose my life but I am bringing down the bastard with me.
I grew up near geese. You will not win without just straight up killing it. And you will be more hurt than you could believe.
In this context I think we have to assume life or death tactics by both combatants.
But that’s an important distinction because MOST of the time we deal with pissed off animals that we don’t want to hurt, much less kill. So that gives some animals a big advantage in real world encounters. Maybe most adults could kill a goose if they had to, but in real life 99% of adults are going to back off or run away rather than deal with a fucking goose!
Punt to the chest. Bird bones are papier mâché. Never get in a fist fight with a goose, their wings will break your arms. Definitely don't try and snap its spindly little neck. Just kick it in the chest
Maybe if you have little bird bitch arms.
Me? I'm nothing but arms. With all the typing and masturbation I do, I'm nothing but them.
Because I'm Australian and grew up in the country, I was taught how to take them down with a sharpened shovel when I was five. Coincidentally, I got my first one a few months later in the garage when it rushed out of a tarpaulin toward me and I shoveled the head off, just like mum taught me. Common brown too (a.k.a Eastern Brown, but they're everywhere. One of the most venomous snakes in the world).
My next one was a red-belly black snake that rushed out of a log. I used a mallet to crush the head and was 6. Also one of the venomous snakes in the world. We have most of them here.
Always go straight for the head with distance and speed.
It may sound cruel to not try scare them into an area and call someone for removal, but they're just too dangerous. And if it's there, it's made territory there, so if you lose it it will definitely show up again. Most are aggressive, so you need to take the chance when you've got it because it's simply more dangerous not to and come off second best next time.
It's also common to deal with pythons, getting one sunbaking off the road or out of the house if it overstepped it's boundaries. We like those ones though and definitely don't hurt them, especially if they make home in the roof or under the house. They keep the possums and mice away, therefore the venomous ground snakes away. Roof python is snek bro and a very welcome guest. It's sad when you notice one's probably moved out :(
Not even roof snek can afford the rent now
After reading about you (justly) killing snakes, I'm very glad I got to learn about roof pythons.
I think someine I know set a garter snake on fire once- that's about as much as I've interacted with them, anyway.
So you just walk around all the time with a sharpened shovel?
In Australia? I would.
Not in my current house which is more in a city area, but I am about to move back into more bushland so, yeah. A sharpened shovel for the yard and garage. But with this new property, I should really only need to cover any gaps under the fencing with chicken wire and the grass beyond in the bush doesn't get too tall. Need to do that for fires anyway.
So do you have any links to the proper technique?
I want a roof python now
Are redbellies particularly dangerous? I've never heard of someone dying from one.
We had some living in the bush near where we used to play. They never bothered us at all, cowardly little ones.
I almost stepped on a young brown snake once when I was stoned, that was fun. Nothing sobers you up like the adrenaline your body puts out when you nearly got yourself killed. I was not anywhere where I could get medical attention in time.
Brown snakes are grumpy fuckers, they chase where most let you leave. Not a fan.
Redbellies are only aggressive if threatened, unlike the browns that gets territorial and will go you. Redbellies aren't lethal as far as I know, but they'll mess up the body bad, especially a kid; necrosis from clotting, nerve damage, huge swelling, etc. Also definitely depends on the bite. Used to be friends with a snake handler who got bit by a coastal taipan and got anti-venom within the hour, but ended up being a dry bite (or mostly) anyway.
The one I hit with the mallet had just been knicked by the neighbour's chainsaw cutting up the log out of a huge fallen tree. I had the mallet because I was doing my kid best to hit steel wedges in to help split the wood off. Suddenly, very pissed off snake going toward me fast.
I can definitely kill an hour
Does an hour get prep time?
Then no.
Yes it does, but I still get an hour
But time flies. Do you have a plan for that?
I can fight a blue whale. The whale would fail to perceive me as a threat, and so when it wanders away I win by default.
It's been a long time since I got the old 'your opponent walked away.. YOU WIN' Victory screen
There was an administrative mix up. They put an Orca in the arena.
It knows humans killed it's brother.
Wild Orcas don't prey on humans, but if we're ignoring that fact I'd need a decent weapon.
NOT a cat... Don't ask me how I know.
Cats are the rightful rulers of this world. It would be foolish to oppose them.
You just don't expect that amount of fight out of that size animal. Respect.
I grew up in rural Canada. A guy I knew was drunk in the woods with friends and tried to ride a young deer that came up to them(the deer got used to people in that area feeding them, something that is not recommended) annnnnnd it beat the shit out of him and his 6 friends. He got a bad concussion and lost sight in one of his eyes.
Don't fuck with animals. They are built different.
Oh deer...
The difference is literally life and death.
Animals are always on the bubble of life or death. Always. Everything is always about to kill/eat them, or something they might be able to kill/eat, so it's a mix of curiosity and fear.
When that deer beat the shit out of your friend and his buddies, it was a life or death thing the deer was contending with thinking it was about to be killed and eaten, so nothing's off the table to get out of that situation.
Meanwhile, your buddy and his friends were drunk and doing it for the lulz.
Deer will always win with those stakes.
That's kinda the same reasoning I am more scared to fight homeless people than any other rando. Those people don't have anything to lose. If they are in the moment and want to fight you, then all bets are off.
Meanwhile, your buddy and his friends were drunk and doing it for the lulz.
Give me a pointy enough stick and my tribe can take down any animal
"Am I allowed to run it to exhaustion?"
"You are, but have your years of playing Call of Duty on the Xbox imbibed you with the required physical stamina and animal tracking skills of your Paleolithic ancestors? Remember, the question is what animal can you take down, not your species, you."
I can defeat the world's most dangerous apex predator in unarmed one on one combat. The human. It's me, I would defeat myself, I would die trying to fight off any animal in this thread.
"Your tribe? I've seen your tribe. There's the guy that after years still won't shut up about how the final goal in the finals should have been counted. The one that unsuccessfully tries to cover up his noxious farts by loudly yelling 'What time is it?!'. Then there's the one that was convicted of a minor felony and none of you will tell me what the crime was and you try to change the subject, but you refuse to ever go bowling with him again. Lastly there's the one that looks and acts fairly normal, but is very reserved. Honestly he could do better than you guys and I'm not sure why he continues to put up with you all. He's the only one of all of you I've ever heard utter the words 'Thank you' for anything, but even then he was talking to the cat. Yeah, I've seen your tribe. I think the animals are pretty safe from you all."
A fish, unless I'm underwater instead of it being on land
Fuckin' shark. As long as we're up a mountain.
$5 on the shark. You would claim a false victory and try and mock the shark too close before it died.
I'd give the shark a day to dry before checking if it's dead
[insert the meme about sharks and Triathlons Here]
When my father was younger he devised a plan to drop down out of a tree onto the back of a deer and take it down with a knife. He said it beat the shit out of him with its antlers. So I think I could take down a doe, a deer, a female dear.
Is your dad's name Ray? A drop of golden sun?
No that's me, a name I call myself.
Dough, some cash, a wad of cash
Ray, a guy who fixes cars
Me, the one who takes out the trash
Fa, the distance to the stars
So, a word that goes with well
LA, a city where we dwell
Tea, with honey it tastes swell
And that brings us back to dough!
(Credit: Animaniacs)
Wait wait wait, hear me out
A snail
Im not risking it unless I can verify the identity of the snail beforehand. With my luck, I know what snail it would be.
picks up pretty seashell How tough can a snail be?
I do, but what is the snail going to do if it gets crushed by a brick?
It's immortal.
Then throw salt at it. If it is immortal, might as well make it miserable
Is the snail already chasing after me?
This fight started in 2002 mate, you just forgot.
Decoy snail.
Shark, as long as we are on land. I’d just outrun him then call coup by hitting him with a stick while he’s gasping for air. I guess at that point I could take on a blue whale, but that would just make me feel like a dick. I’ll stick with the shark. Any shark, any time, 1.5 miles inland.
The chance of getting attacked by a shark on land are small, but not zero.
The government doesn't want me seeing this
Could you take all the sharks in Missouri?
Are we all just going to ignore aquariums?
Yes
Ignoring aquariums is my favorite hobby! I do it for a couple of hours at least once a week!
Do you get immediate medical treatment after, and is it free?
Assuming you're not American, yes.
Yeah but we Americans get to use as many guns as we can carry on our person.
I guess +guns and -healthcare makes us the glass cannons of the man vs beast challenge!
You can take on most animals in a fight if you have a gun.
That’s the cannon half of glass cannon. :D
And what if animals have guns + gun training? :D
I don't mean necessarily like monkeys, I'm envisioning cephalopods with 8 guns. Or a tiny invertebrate with satellite weapon targeting systems.
We don't need guns. We're developing all sorts of new weaponized ways of using our ink.
Humans: [get inked from orbit]
The squids: It was the only way to be sure.
... just realized ... what if you give the animal/animals +guns & +healthcare, just for fun ... ?
I'm imagining a chicken sitting on the button of a chain gun giving you the sideways stink eye (classic birb tbh).
Lul, imagine thinking you won a fight, but after a while realising the great tit you wrestled with made you go bankrupt & now you have to pay loan interest for the rest of your life.
I mean.. he won that one. I'd congratulate him on a well played feint as I died from lack of care.
We talking about combat or divorce?
Education actually!
Tbh, that makes Americans fight these predators on more equal grounds than the rest of the 1st world. Most predators have to make the calculus of how starving they are vs what is the potential damage they can take
Lul, this is actually a really good point.
You need to ask why, thats how you get the hour long explanation
A horse?! that guy is delusional... most men won't have the ability to defeat (unarmed) anything bigger than a medium size dog...
Anything bigger will likely overpower a regular human, most smaller would just be too fast or have different, naturally occurring weaponry to defeat us
Well, if somebody poses aggressively in front of you randomly on the street, the wise thing to do for you would be to run away. You could probably overpower them, but it just isn't worth the risk most of the time.
Just run away and you'll probably be fine.
A panda wouldn't be too difficult, they basically kill themselves.
If you get prep time you could set up some traps.
Assuming both sides see it as a fight to the death, the horse will also engage so you could just run away into a bunch of traps. All you need is for the horse to injure a leg in one trap and it's done for. I think even just some holes with a couple spikes would be enough to injure and maybe even sprain an ankle.
Without prep time you're pretty doomed, I think your best bet is either climbing up a tree to buy you some prep time to make a spear out of the branches or worst case diving in, aiming to do damage to its legs (unlikely) and hope you are able to get out without being trampled (unlikely)
What if you're on a superflat world and there are no trees
You cry
I imagined this question as in a boxing ring/cage style fight.... if planning is involved, I can say I have killed thousands of cattle and even more large hogs just by participating in buying their meat at the grocery store
Horses are skittish and will run from you, maybe an athletic human who knows how to track could chase it down until it's exhausted caveman style
What about those miniature horses?
I think horses have quite a lot of stamina, the only animals actually comparable to humans. Which is why we ride them.
We're still a lot better over distance, iirc, which is why we are able to ride them
Yeah horse messengers were only really a thing when you could change horses at stations. That's the whole point of the marathon. It's based on the history of a foot messenger (at a time when we very much had domesticated horses).
Lol does the horse retreat count as a victory?
I've heard in a fight against dog you should go for their snout
Yup. Humans aren't large animals. If you want to compare bodysize, check the weights of the animals and the heights of everyone on all fours. Humans are mid.
Some of the larger dog breeds even weigh more than the average human
We are pack hunters for a reason
Yeah an adult horse can bash a human skull pretty easily. Definitely wouldn't be my first pick
Maybe an especially passive grasshopper?
grasshoppers are scary. you must be a professional fighter.
The really green ones are nice and will just spit up. The brown ones are fiesty and bite.
House centipede. In fact, I could probably take on two of them!
Not three though.
Humans have no real advantages in a 1:1 fight agains most larger mammals. A lot have horns, tusks, claws…
Humans got their points in STA, AGI, and INT. We don’t defeat large mammals in unarmed combat. We can barely handle anything much larger than a boar with close arms like a spear.
No, we defeat large animals by outsmarting and outlasting them. And usually that only works when we are on the offense and have an advantage by stalking. In a fair fight that gets a lot more challenging. Horses are fucking fast. Persistence hunting may have worked, but that’s by us chasing the prey.
So, assuming we are facing head to head, at the start of the fight, I would probably fake to the right, then run past the horse on my left. It’ll take him a while to turn around. That’ll buy me a few seconds to hopefully run somewhere where there are some obstacles or corners on the way to higher ground. If I can climb and get above the horse, all bets are off. Only Nirn horses are decent climbers.
Outsmarting and outlasting is a real advantage: We are the apex predator (to our own detriment of course, but don't sell humans short we're some scary-ass apes when you get down to it).
not in the context of the question... sure our outsmating/outlasting certainly offsets and overwhelms any talon, claws, fangs, venom nature can throw at us... but the context here is a mano a mano fight
Which includes our cunning and endurance: How would that not apply?
I would assume that, the term "fight" implies a more direct combat... Not a scenario where we can plan for traps and such
If I ask you in person if you'd beat me in a fight? You wouldn't think of a scenario where we both come home and make a master plan to ruin each other.... It would be more like "let's go or the parking lot and beat each other like monkeys"
It's just the scenario I imagined from the question
You say that like people don't improvise on the spot; many are very, very good at it.
...or maybe I have some pocket sand!
SHASHASHA! POCKET SAND!
Some pre human carnivorous hominids had diets dependent on hippos. Hunting hippos with stone tools and pre true language is some serious shit
In the end, if you've got enough spears and people to throw them, there ain't much else to do.
Huge difference between a group hunting an animal and a fair 1:1 fight.
Exactly, what are people having such a hard time understanding the context of the scenario in play?
Long limbs are definitely an advantage
But do not forget to specify, that you mean 'in a fight'.
I pick a duck: Nobody said it had to be a challenging fight plus duck is delicious.
Assuming it's bare-handed, what the best generic strategy to use? Try to crush it if it's small enough and strangle it if it's too big to crush?
The most generic strategy is "do what you can do better than them and their natural predators." In virtually any situation, that's going to be tool use. You may be entering without a weapon, but sticks, stones, sand, doors, trash cans, the clothes on your back or anything you can get your hands on can put you at an advantage. You'd have to be in a pretty sterile arena to truly have nothing available.
If you're particularly fit, you may be able to best most animals in a test of endurance: do everything to delay the clash and keep them moving, and they'll grow hot and exhausted faster than you will.
So sweat profusely
I'm halfway to victory already
Reminds me of a great short story from the perspective of aliens talking about why humans are so dangerous - and it involves using the floor as a weapon!
link?
Not sure if it's the same one, but I recently stumbled on the "deathworlders" ummm... Anthology?
I also vaguely remember such a story but there the aliens got fukd up because when all hope was lost humans just started kamikaze-ing their ships. Spite is our superpower.
Used to work with a guy who was fully convinced he had like a 90% chance of winning a fight bare handed with a mountain lion. 100% if he has a pocket knife...
That's a cat that's as big as a human. They're 6 to 7 feet long and weigh 75 to 160 pounds. And they're very good at hiding, so the chances are you get surprised.
Some people...
...with multiple "pocket knives" at the end of each limb and a jaw and set of teeth specifically designed to kill fleshy opponents with a skull or trachea crush.
It also eats an all-natural diet and exercises every fucking day of its life. And has spent all of that life practicing at being really fucking good at killing things that don't want to be dead, and spend all of their lives practicing to avoid the mountain lion.
MF never played Red Dead Redemption.
A guy in Texas killed a mountain lion with a Spyderco pocketknife because it had a hold of his kid.
So if the mountain lion had a mouth that was preoccupied with a small child, dude could be right.
The answer is a lot smaller than most guys think.
A lot. There's a lot of animals that have learned to fear us only through our tools.
That said, a group of buddies could just walk some pretty large animals to death.
In a docu I heard we are pretty good at endurance hunting. We seem to have good endurance and move in a way that conserves energy, we basically can chase animals to death. That still needs some basic tools … a spear and something to carry water. The biggest advantage isn’t just that we can use tools, but that we can use them while running. That we are smart enough to do tracking also allows us to not bother if we can’t keep up with an animal’s peak speed, since most can’t keep it up for long either. So one person should be okay to hunt down a single animal.
Well, one person and the bull of the herd is likely to come say hello.
That indeed only works with solitary animals.
What's the women's version of this?
Which of your friends do you think is cheating?
I don't understand this comment. What does the gender of the cheater have to do with it? Also, how is this a fun speculation? Trying to figure out how long you last against 1 goose seems more entertaining than guessing which of your friends is secretly a disgusting cheater.
I'm pretty weak so I don't know... a vole?
It's better than the people saying they can only take a fish out of water
I like my odds against most things the size of a large raccoon or smaller. Most things larger than that would probably smoke me.
If I could turn off my empathy and love for animals I think I could defeat a Husky, maybe a German Shepard or similar with a kick to the head.
A single sheep? Maybe, if it's not a mother. Goat? Fuck no. Anything larger than that and I have no fucking chance. Perhaps I could scare a deer, but that's it.
One time I was hiking, and I saw some deer so I started yelling at them to get away from me. I swear one of the deer looked at me annoyed and like "I could take you"
They use those dogs for police dogs. Pretty sure they'll take you.
Police dogs get you when you're running, facing head on is different.
I didn't say that I could take on a trained police dog with its handler. That would be a different fight altogether.
Eh those dogs have that fight capability within them. If you're fighting a dog, that's what they're bringing. Training is just about targeting, waiting, commands, not fighting.
Anything! Do I get guns? No? Oh well then nothing, nm.
Yeah, extremely important to specify what weapons you're allowed to use.
A machete might be overkill for a sloth, but I think I'd still rather try the Apache helicopter for the experience.
But then you've already used up the Apache when the bear round comes.
AC-130 inbound
If the animal is bigger than my pinky finger I would probably just run the other way, so I hope I don't get asked this.
This doesn't mean that at that size or smaller I would win, just that we can start talking about it.
A Jaguar... BUT ONLY with preptime and if I get a 10m distance at the start of the fight.
Otherwise I admit I'm just dead.
Does it have the CD-ROM add-on that looks like a toilet and doesn't work most of the time?
If it is committed to fight you and won't run away, you have zero chance without a gun. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news
Ummm...
This question always trips me up because life is random. A human would probably win against a rat 99.9% of the time. But there is that scenario where the rat happens to bite in just the right spot and you bleed out. Same thing would happen in the inverse. Would a human beat a wolf, improbable. But there is that scenario where the wolf gets its neck too close to a human who goes primal and bites down and rips out as much as possible.
Myself? Maybe a dog if it was never trained to fight or defend.
I think I could take on a coconut crab but may lose some limbs to do it.
I have successfully defeated several small fish and rodents over the years, and numerous insects.
I accidentally killed a mouse, sorry little guy I understand my shoe smelled like cheese....
I murdered a bat by grabbing him with my toes and throwing him across the room while I was half asleep. I thought he was a sock. The rabies prophylaxis was a small measure of revenge for him.
I bet those fish were bad dudes looking for trouble
An adolescent kangaroo.
Manatees. Lazy fuckers.
They measure up to 4.0 metres (13 ft 1 in) long, weigh as much as 590 kilograms (1,300 lb)
Huh. Nope.
I dunno, man. Even if I could, I'd feel bad about hurting a manatee.
I'm seriously questioning the people who said they couldn't beat a goose in a fight. Geese are terrifying, but they're still pretty frail. It would hurt, but if it's to the death it's pretty clear basically any able adult human would live.
Wow, that is the best chart of all time!
I can take any of them! Fossil fuel burning intensifies
My wife was worried about raccoons around the dumpster, and I told her I classify animals into 2 threat levels. Puntable, and non-puntable. If you can punt it, you don't need to be afraid of it. Raccoons, small dogs, even geese, all fit in this category. If you can't punt it, then you need to be wary of it, so moose, mountain-lion, irukandji, best to keep your distance.
Wolverines are a very puntable size but if you put your foot that close to one that's picking a fight, you're not getting that foot back. I would also consider snakes to be "puntable" strictly speaking but wouldn't recommend trying. You might get it over the back fence but the chances you come back unscathed are slim at best.
If you can't punt it, then you should keep your distance. Snake is too low to punt, wolverine is too tenacious. Keep distance, and don't punt.
Bro, I'd rather try to punt a medium-size dog over a goose. You're playing with fire there!
A goose is a lot scarier than a medium dog, but if you punt a goose, it's done for.
Dude, I've seen geese shrug off a shotgun blast, wobble in the air, recover, and fly off.
There are many, many puntable animals that are dangerous, both because you're underestimating their toughness but also their ability to avoid being punted and attack.
I'm not saying a goose or raccoon would be able to kill you, but there's a lot of middle ground between "not dangerous" and "lethal danger".
A rat or squirrel or groundhog could easily leave a human minus a finger without breaking a sweat. Might not be able to kill a human, but that's still dangerous in my book.
Are you worried about being attacked by a rat, squirrel or groundhog?
If one was attacking me, I'd certainly be worried.
Only worry if you can't punt it. A squirrel can't gnaw your fingers from 50ft away.
At this point I really feel like your name should be PUNTMeister xD Thank you for making my day!
I play-fight with my cat and I can say if they were taking it seriously I would have no chances.
The cat plays with you. Not the other way around.
Yeah a determined housecat could kick any man's ass.
I will take on every animal at once, and win.
By being elected president on a platform of bog-standard normal liberalism, FDR style, behind a remotely charismatic personality rather than a shambling horrid human corpse. I will legislate the space force to create huge satellites that catch solar energy and funnel that energy down to the surface with big microwaves. I will take this opportunity to equip the space stations with hypersonic aircraft that will drop normal supersonic personnel carriers, ensuring a global response time of only a few hours. This will probably be less monetarily intensive than putting a US military base everywhere on the planet, so I'd use those savings to expand the nuclear arsenal, and possibly deploy some of those weapons to space in secret under the guise of some commercial wi-fi satellite ventures. I will reveal this fact to everyone later on once they have all been globally deployed and nobody has any countermeasures, and then I'll start performing a bloody hostile takeover of the planet.
Then, I will attempt to quintuple global fossil fuel output. I don't know what we'll use all this excess energy for, probably we'd just use it to build more horrible weapons of war, or huge impenetrable underground citadels, or whatever. I will get rid of regulation for industry, ensuring massive environmental disasters. I will even tell the CIA to do some of them probably, nord stream pipeline style, and they'll probably do it cause they're crazy. Maybe I'll use the microwave power grid to blow up some of my enemies by boiling them until they explode.
At the end of my term as god emperor dictator, a disgrace and shell of my former self, I will use the nuclear football to ensure no life on the planet survives, except for maybe basic viruses, bacteria, and maybe a couple different insects. I will arise from my presidential super-bunker to face a barren world. A perfect world, free from sin. Thus concludes the 2nd Global Emu War.
If I wasn't going to do any of that and I just had to give like the least dangerous animal I personally could take on, I'd probably say like. Maybe a stray ant. That might be too sad, though, because that's just a lonely ant and it's sort of too pathetic to kill it. Maybe like a really evil guy that's about to die anyways? But that's also too sad, because that's just a meat-puppet automaton of life that has shambled around until it's shut down. Maybe I could just kill like, dick cheney, or something, someone super evil. He looks too much like george costanza for me to do that though, I think.
Edit: actually I think I could take on any invasive species of animal barehanded, with a combination of my extremely tough fists that I have been spraying with dog medicine, and tai chi exercise DVD training regimen.
Dog, a Chihuahua to be specific.
Hand to hand, with no weapons and just my bare hands & teeth? I could maybe take a mouse... and I'd still probably come away with some wounds. Probably a small, non-venomous snake as well.
I could probably hold my own against a tardigrade.
I wish i could choke the shit out of a sloth.
sloths have those long nails and could slit a throat
I have a pretty good rear naked choke so. Lights out Sloth.
They have very long arms
You see the neck to head ratio on them? You better be built like Thorsen to try and choke one of them three-toed half-wits.
Lots of coyotes and foxes around here. I think I could take them on with my bare hands.
One coyote, probably. But where there's one there's two dozen. I wouldn't want to have to fight more than one at a time.
Unarmed, which is seemingly the point of this, but with just a bat/club you could probably fuck a few up quick enough to scare the rest off
Met two foxes in the mountains. One played cute and the other shanked me and stole my food.
Don't mess with foxes! They don't fight fair.
I mean WTF is a horse gonna do with prep time?
Become an expert in his field.
He’s already outstanding in his field.
You're thinking of his neighbor, the accomplished scarecrow.
🎶 Fenton's Stable and Horse Ranch
That looks like a gorilla with horse parts grafted onto it
Eat oats.
Studying the blade
Get swole
Taking karate lessons
Not to brag, but, with a little bit of trainig, I think I can easily win against a trout, as long as the fight is not in the water. But we're only talking hypotheticaly, of course. It would only come to that if the trout picks up the fight first and we don't manage to resolve our issue with healthy communication... I'm not a monster.
How about this... We split the difference and go out for some pescaito frito. 🔪🐟🍴
my toxic trait is thinking I could win a fight with a goose
no you can't
I'm not huge or athletic but I probably weigh, like, twice as much as a goose. I get that they're incredibly pissy and they have teeth and pointy bits, but I'm still betting on me.
Our battle will be legendary. I may lose my life but I am bringing down the bastard with me.
I grew up near geese. You will not win without just straight up killing it. And you will be more hurt than you could believe.
In this context I think we have to assume life or death tactics by both combatants.
But that’s an important distinction because MOST of the time we deal with pissed off animals that we don’t want to hurt, much less kill. So that gives some animals a big advantage in real world encounters. Maybe most adults could kill a goose if they had to, but in real life 99% of adults are going to back off or run away rather than deal with a fucking goose!
brb taking out a mortgage to bet on the goose
Punt to the chest. Bird bones are papier mâché. Never get in a fist fight with a goose, their wings will break your arms. Definitely don't try and snap its spindly little neck. Just kick it in the chest
Maybe if you have little bird bitch arms.
Me? I'm nothing but arms. With all the typing and masturbation I do, I'm nothing but them.
Me: 💪🧠 🤳
A snake.
Because I'm Australian and grew up in the country, I was taught how to take them down with a sharpened shovel when I was five. Coincidentally, I got my first one a few months later in the garage when it rushed out of a tarpaulin toward me and I shoveled the head off, just like mum taught me. Common brown too (a.k.a Eastern Brown, but they're everywhere. One of the most venomous snakes in the world).
My next one was a red-belly black snake that rushed out of a log. I used a mallet to crush the head and was 6. Also one of the venomous snakes in the world. We have most of them here.
Always go straight for the head with distance and speed.
It may sound cruel to not try scare them into an area and call someone for removal, but they're just too dangerous. And if it's there, it's made territory there, so if you lose it it will definitely show up again. Most are aggressive, so you need to take the chance when you've got it because it's simply more dangerous not to and come off second best next time.
It's also common to deal with pythons, getting one sunbaking off the road or out of the house if it overstepped it's boundaries. We like those ones though and definitely don't hurt them, especially if they make home in the roof or under the house. They keep the possums and mice away, therefore the venomous ground snakes away. Roof python is snek bro and a very welcome guest. It's sad when you notice one's probably moved out :(
Not even roof snek can afford the rent now
After reading about you (justly) killing snakes, I'm very glad I got to learn about roof pythons.
I think someine I know set a garter snake on fire once- that's about as much as I've interacted with them, anyway.
So you just walk around all the time with a sharpened shovel?
In Australia? I would.
Not in my current house which is more in a city area, but I am about to move back into more bushland so, yeah. A sharpened shovel for the yard and garage. But with this new property, I should really only need to cover any gaps under the fencing with chicken wire and the grass beyond in the bush doesn't get too tall. Need to do that for fires anyway.
So do you have any links to the proper technique?
I want a roof python now
Are redbellies particularly dangerous? I've never heard of someone dying from one.
We had some living in the bush near where we used to play. They never bothered us at all, cowardly little ones.
I almost stepped on a young brown snake once when I was stoned, that was fun. Nothing sobers you up like the adrenaline your body puts out when you nearly got yourself killed. I was not anywhere where I could get medical attention in time.
Brown snakes are grumpy fuckers, they chase where most let you leave. Not a fan.
Redbellies are only aggressive if threatened, unlike the browns that gets territorial and will go you. Redbellies aren't lethal as far as I know, but they'll mess up the body bad, especially a kid; necrosis from clotting, nerve damage, huge swelling, etc. Also definitely depends on the bite. Used to be friends with a snake handler who got bit by a coastal taipan and got anti-venom within the hour, but ended up being a dry bite (or mostly) anyway.
The one I hit with the mallet had just been knicked by the neighbour's chainsaw cutting up the log out of a huge fallen tree. I had the mallet because I was doing my kid best to hit steel wedges in to help split the wood off. Suddenly, very pissed off snake going toward me fast.
I can definitely kill an hour
Does an hour get prep time?
Then no.
Yes it does, but I still get an hour
But time flies. Do you have a plan for that?
I can fight a blue whale. The whale would fail to perceive me as a threat, and so when it wanders away I win by default.
It's been a long time since I got the old 'your opponent walked away.. YOU WIN' Victory screen
There was an administrative mix up. They put an Orca in the arena.
It knows humans killed it's brother.
Wild Orcas don't prey on humans, but if we're ignoring that fact I'd need a decent weapon.
NOT a cat... Don't ask me how I know.
Cats are the rightful rulers of this world. It would be foolish to oppose them.
You just don't expect that amount of fight out of that size animal. Respect.
I have seen a grown man tackle a cat which had been running around a walmart backroom for weeks. It wasn't pretty for the guy.
I grew up in rural Canada. A guy I knew was drunk in the woods with friends and tried to ride a young deer that came up to them(the deer got used to people in that area feeding them, something that is not recommended) annnnnnd it beat the shit out of him and his 6 friends. He got a bad concussion and lost sight in one of his eyes.
Don't fuck with animals. They are built different.
Oh deer...
The difference is literally life and death.
Animals are always on the bubble of life or death. Always. Everything is always about to kill/eat them, or something they might be able to kill/eat, so it's a mix of curiosity and fear.
When that deer beat the shit out of your friend and his buddies, it was a life or death thing the deer was contending with thinking it was about to be killed and eaten, so nothing's off the table to get out of that situation.
Meanwhile, your buddy and his friends were drunk and doing it for the lulz.
Deer will always win with those stakes.
That's kinda the same reasoning I am more scared to fight homeless people than any other rando. Those people don't have anything to lose. If they are in the moment and want to fight you, then all bets are off.
Tell that to all the drunk hunters out there
Doe
D’oh!
Don’t fuck with alcohol.
The Deer beat up 7 People? Holy Fuck.
Better to just hoof it instead.
Give me a pointy enough stick and my tribe can take down any animal
"Am I allowed to run it to exhaustion?"
"You are, but have your years of playing Call of Duty on the Xbox imbibed you with the required physical stamina and animal tracking skills of your Paleolithic ancestors? Remember, the question is what animal can you take down, not your species, you."
I can defeat the world's most dangerous apex predator in unarmed one on one combat. The human. It's me, I would defeat myself, I would die trying to fight off any animal in this thread.
"Your tribe? I've seen your tribe. There's the guy that after years still won't shut up about how the final goal in the finals should have been counted. The one that unsuccessfully tries to cover up his noxious farts by loudly yelling 'What time is it?!'. Then there's the one that was convicted of a minor felony and none of you will tell me what the crime was and you try to change the subject, but you refuse to ever go bowling with him again. Lastly there's the one that looks and acts fairly normal, but is very reserved. Honestly he could do better than you guys and I'm not sure why he continues to put up with you all. He's the only one of all of you I've ever heard utter the words 'Thank you' for anything, but even then he was talking to the cat. Yeah, I've seen your tribe. I think the animals are pretty safe from you all."
A fish, unless I'm underwater instead of it being on land
Fuckin' shark. As long as we're up a mountain.
$5 on the shark. You would claim a false victory and try and mock the shark too close before it died.
I'd give the shark a day to dry before checking if it's dead
[insert the meme about sharks and Triathlons Here]
When my father was younger he devised a plan to drop down out of a tree onto the back of a deer and take it down with a knife. He said it beat the shit out of him with its antlers. So I think I could take down a doe, a deer, a female dear.
Is your dad's name Ray? A drop of golden sun?
No that's me, a name I call myself.
Dough, some cash, a wad of cash
Ray, a guy who fixes cars
Me, the one who takes out the trash
Fa, the distance to the stars
So, a word that goes with well
LA, a city where we dwell
Tea, with honey it tastes swell
And that brings us back to dough!
(Credit: Animaniacs)
Wait wait wait, hear me out
A snail
Im not risking it unless I can verify the identity of the snail beforehand. With my luck, I know what snail it would be.
picks up pretty seashell How tough can a snail be?
Use a brick
This guy doesn't know about the snail.
I do, but what is the snail going to do if it gets crushed by a brick?
It's immortal.
Then throw salt at it. If it is immortal, might as well make it miserable
Is the snail already chasing after me?
This fight started in 2002 mate, you just forgot.
Decoy snail.
Shark, as long as we are on land. I’d just outrun him then call coup by hitting him with a stick while he’s gasping for air. I guess at that point I could take on a blue whale, but that would just make me feel like a dick. I’ll stick with the shark. Any shark, any time, 1.5 miles inland.
The chance of getting attacked by a shark on land are small, but not zero.
The government doesn't want me seeing this
Could you take all the sharks in Missouri?
Are we all just going to ignore aquariums?
Yes
Ignoring aquariums is my favorite hobby! I do it for a couple of hours at least once a week!
Only if I'm allowed to bring my cats.
The sharks in New Mexico are dedicated. Who TF pissed off sharks and hid in New Mexico?
You might be one of today's (un)lucky 10k
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bull_shark
Also, the maps includes captive shark attacks, such as bites at the Newport Aquarium in KY.
A technicality, but (most) sharks don't gasp for air.
Do you get immediate medical treatment after, and is it free?
Assuming you're not American, yes.
Yeah but we Americans get to use as many guns as we can carry on our person.
I guess +guns and -healthcare makes us the glass cannons of the man vs beast challenge!
You can take on most animals in a fight if you have a gun.
That’s the cannon half of glass cannon. :D
And what if animals have guns + gun training? :D
I don't mean necessarily like monkeys, I'm envisioning cephalopods with 8 guns. Or a tiny invertebrate with satellite weapon targeting systems.
We don't need guns. We're developing all sorts of new weaponized ways of using our ink.
Humans: [get inked from orbit]
The squids: It was the only way to be sure.
... just realized ... what if you give the animal/animals +guns & +healthcare, just for fun ... ?
I'm imagining a chicken sitting on the button of a chain gun giving you the sideways stink eye (classic birb tbh).
Lul, imagine thinking you won a fight, but after a while realising the great tit you wrestled with made you go bankrupt & now you have to pay loan interest for the rest of your life.
I mean.. he won that one. I'd congratulate him on a well played feint as I died from lack of care.
We talking about combat or divorce?
Education actually!
Tbh, that makes Americans fight these predators on more equal grounds than the rest of the 1st world. Most predators have to make the calculus of how starving they are vs what is the potential damage they can take
Lul, this is actually a really good point.
You need to ask why, thats how you get the hour long explanation
A horse?! that guy is delusional... most men won't have the ability to defeat (unarmed) anything bigger than a medium size dog...
Anything bigger will likely overpower a regular human, most smaller would just be too fast or have different, naturally occurring weaponry to defeat us
Travis Kauffman and C. Dale Petersen have entered the chat. Outside of rutting season, you can intimidate most large herbivores smaller then rhinos/hippos/elephant sizes by just posturing aggressively. Some breeds of cattle are just assholes and shouldn't be messed with regardless.
Well, if somebody poses aggressively in front of you randomly on the street, the wise thing to do for you would be to run away. You could probably overpower them, but it just isn't worth the risk most of the time.
Just run away and you'll probably be fine.
A panda wouldn't be too difficult, they basically kill themselves.
If you get prep time you could set up some traps.
Assuming both sides see it as a fight to the death, the horse will also engage so you could just run away into a bunch of traps. All you need is for the horse to injure a leg in one trap and it's done for. I think even just some holes with a couple spikes would be enough to injure and maybe even sprain an ankle.
Without prep time you're pretty doomed, I think your best bet is either climbing up a tree to buy you some prep time to make a spear out of the branches or worst case diving in, aiming to do damage to its legs (unlikely) and hope you are able to get out without being trampled (unlikely)
What if you're on a superflat world and there are no trees
You cry
I imagined this question as in a boxing ring/cage style fight.... if planning is involved, I can say I have killed thousands of cattle and even more large hogs just by participating in buying their meat at the grocery store
Horses are skittish and will run from you, maybe an athletic human who knows how to track could chase it down until it's exhausted caveman style
What about those miniature horses?
I think horses have quite a lot of stamina, the only animals actually comparable to humans. Which is why we ride them.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_versus_Horse_Marathon
We're still a lot better over distance, iirc, which is why we are able to ride them
Yeah horse messengers were only really a thing when you could change horses at stations. That's the whole point of the marathon. It's based on the history of a foot messenger (at a time when we very much had domesticated horses).
Lol does the horse retreat count as a victory?
I've heard in a fight against dog you should go for their snout
Yup. Humans aren't large animals. If you want to compare bodysize, check the weights of the animals and the heights of everyone on all fours. Humans are mid.
Some of the larger dog breeds even weigh more than the average human
We are pack hunters for a reason
Yeah an adult horse can bash a human skull pretty easily. Definitely wouldn't be my first pick
Maybe an especially passive grasshopper?
grasshoppers are scary. you must be a professional fighter.
The really green ones are nice and will just spit up. The brown ones are fiesty and bite.
House centipede. In fact, I could probably take on two of them!
Not three though.
Humans have no real advantages in a 1:1 fight agains most larger mammals. A lot have horns, tusks, claws…
Humans got their points in STA, AGI, and INT. We don’t defeat large mammals in unarmed combat. We can barely handle anything much larger than a boar with close arms like a spear.
No, we defeat large animals by outsmarting and outlasting them. And usually that only works when we are on the offense and have an advantage by stalking. In a fair fight that gets a lot more challenging. Horses are fucking fast. Persistence hunting may have worked, but that’s by us chasing the prey.
So, assuming we are facing head to head, at the start of the fight, I would probably fake to the right, then run past the horse on my left. It’ll take him a while to turn around. That’ll buy me a few seconds to hopefully run somewhere where there are some obstacles or corners on the way to higher ground. If I can climb and get above the horse, all bets are off. Only Nirn horses are decent climbers.
Outsmarting and outlasting is a real advantage: We are the apex predator (to our own detriment of course, but don't sell humans short we're some scary-ass apes when you get down to it).
not in the context of the question... sure our outsmating/outlasting certainly offsets and overwhelms any talon, claws, fangs, venom nature can throw at us... but the context here is a mano a mano fight
Which includes our cunning and endurance: How would that not apply?
I would assume that, the term "fight" implies a more direct combat... Not a scenario where we can plan for traps and such
If I ask you in person if you'd beat me in a fight? You wouldn't think of a scenario where we both come home and make a master plan to ruin each other.... It would be more like "let's go or the parking lot and beat each other like monkeys"
It's just the scenario I imagined from the question
You say that like people don't improvise on the spot; many are very, very good at it.
...or maybe I have some pocket sand!
SHASHASHA! POCKET SAND!
Some pre human carnivorous hominids had diets dependent on hippos. Hunting hippos with stone tools and pre true language is some serious shit
In the end, if you've got enough spears and people to throw them, there ain't much else to do.
Huge difference between a group hunting an animal and a fair 1:1 fight.
Exactly, what are people having such a hard time understanding the context of the scenario in play?
Long limbs are definitely an advantage
But do not forget to specify, that you mean 'in a fight'.
I pick a duck: Nobody said it had to be a challenging fight plus duck is delicious.
Bring it on you rapey bastard!
Rapey?
Yeah, man. Ducks are rapey.
https://youtu.be/E_-I1aRGttY?si=55uyDSqjyBJhun_O
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
https://piped.video/E_-I1aRGttY?si=55uyDSqjyBJhun_O
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.
With their corkscrew dicks
Assuming it's bare-handed, what the best generic strategy to use? Try to crush it if it's small enough and strangle it if it's too big to crush?
The most generic strategy is "do what you can do better than them and their natural predators." In virtually any situation, that's going to be tool use. You may be entering without a weapon, but sticks, stones, sand, doors, trash cans, the clothes on your back or anything you can get your hands on can put you at an advantage. You'd have to be in a pretty sterile arena to truly have nothing available.
If you're particularly fit, you may be able to best most animals in a test of endurance: do everything to delay the clash and keep them moving, and they'll grow hot and exhausted faster than you will.
So sweat profusely
I'm halfway to victory already
Reminds me of a great short story from the perspective of aliens talking about why humans are so dangerous - and it involves using the floor as a weapon!
link?
Not sure if it's the same one, but I recently stumbled on the "deathworlders" ummm... Anthology?
https://deathworlders.com/books/deathworlders/chapter-00-kevin-jenkins-experience/
I also vaguely remember such a story but there the aliens got fukd up because when all hope was lost humans just started kamikaze-ing their ships. Spite is our superpower.
For horse sized things, scare it and hope it kills itself.
I'm a big fan of knee on the throat.
Settle down there, Derek.
Used to work with a guy who was fully convinced he had like a 90% chance of winning a fight bare handed with a mountain lion. 100% if he has a pocket knife...
That's a cat that's as big as a human. They're 6 to 7 feet long and weigh 75 to 160 pounds. And they're very good at hiding, so the chances are you get surprised.
Some people...
...with multiple "pocket knives" at the end of each limb and a jaw and set of teeth specifically designed to kill fleshy opponents with a skull or trachea crush.
It also eats an all-natural diet and exercises every fucking day of its life. And has spent all of that life practicing at being really fucking good at killing things that don't want to be dead, and spend all of their lives practicing to avoid the mountain lion.
MF never played Red Dead Redemption.
A guy in Texas killed a mountain lion with a Spyderco pocketknife because it had a hold of his kid.
So if the mountain lion had a mouth that was preoccupied with a small child, dude could be right.
The answer is a lot smaller than most guys think.
A lot. There's a lot of animals that have learned to fear us only through our tools.
That said, a group of buddies could just walk some pretty large animals to death.
In a docu I heard we are pretty good at endurance hunting. We seem to have good endurance and move in a way that conserves energy, we basically can chase animals to death. That still needs some basic tools … a spear and something to carry water. The biggest advantage isn’t just that we can use tools, but that we can use them while running. That we are smart enough to do tracking also allows us to not bother if we can’t keep up with an animal’s peak speed, since most can’t keep it up for long either. So one person should be okay to hunt down a single animal.
Well, one person and the bull of the herd is likely to come say hello.
That indeed only works with solitary animals.
What's the women's version of this?
Which of your friends do you think is cheating?
I don't understand this comment. What does the gender of the cheater have to do with it? Also, how is this a fun speculation? Trying to figure out how long you last against 1 goose seems more entertaining than guessing which of your friends is secretly a disgusting cheater.
I'm pretty weak so I don't know... a vole?
It's better than the people saying they can only take a fish out of water
I like my odds against most things the size of a large raccoon or smaller. Most things larger than that would probably smoke me.
If I could turn off my empathy and love for animals I think I could defeat a Husky, maybe a German Shepard or similar with a kick to the head.
A single sheep? Maybe, if it's not a mother. Goat? Fuck no. Anything larger than that and I have no fucking chance. Perhaps I could scare a deer, but that's it.
One time I was hiking, and I saw some deer so I started yelling at them to get away from me. I swear one of the deer looked at me annoyed and like "I could take you"
They use those dogs for police dogs. Pretty sure they'll take you.
Police dogs get you when you're running, facing head on is different.
I didn't say that I could take on a trained police dog with its handler. That would be a different fight altogether.
Eh those dogs have that fight capability within them. If you're fighting a dog, that's what they're bringing. Training is just about targeting, waiting, commands, not fighting.
Anything! Do I get guns? No? Oh well then nothing, nm.
Yeah, extremely important to specify what weapons you're allowed to use.
A machete might be overkill for a sloth, but I think I'd still rather try the Apache helicopter for the experience.
But then you've already used up the Apache when the bear round comes.
AC-130 inbound
If the animal is bigger than my pinky finger I would probably just run the other way, so I hope I don't get asked this.
This doesn't mean that at that size or smaller I would win, just that we can start talking about it.
A Jaguar... BUT ONLY with preptime and if I get a 10m distance at the start of the fight. Otherwise I admit I'm just dead.
Does it have the CD-ROM add-on that looks like a toilet and doesn't work most of the time?
If it is committed to fight you and won't run away, you have zero chance without a gun. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news
Ummm...
This question always trips me up because life is random. A human would probably win against a rat 99.9% of the time. But there is that scenario where the rat happens to bite in just the right spot and you bleed out. Same thing would happen in the inverse. Would a human beat a wolf, improbable. But there is that scenario where the wolf gets its neck too close to a human who goes primal and bites down and rips out as much as possible.
Myself? Maybe a dog if it was never trained to fight or defend.
I think I could take on a coconut crab but may lose some limbs to do it.
I have successfully defeated several small fish and rodents over the years, and numerous insects.
I accidentally killed a mouse, sorry little guy I understand my shoe smelled like cheese....
I murdered a bat by grabbing him with my toes and throwing him across the room while I was half asleep. I thought he was a sock. The rabies prophylaxis was a small measure of revenge for him.
I bet those fish were bad dudes looking for trouble
An adolescent kangaroo.
Manatees. Lazy fuckers.
Huh. Nope.
I dunno, man. Even if I could, I'd feel bad about hurting a manatee.
How has nobody linked what might be the best chart of all time
I'm seriously questioning the people who said they couldn't beat a goose in a fight. Geese are terrifying, but they're still pretty frail. It would hurt, but if it's to the death it's pretty clear basically any able adult human would live.
Wow, that is the best chart of all time!
I can take any of them! Fossil fuel burning intensifies
My wife was worried about raccoons around the dumpster, and I told her I classify animals into 2 threat levels. Puntable, and non-puntable. If you can punt it, you don't need to be afraid of it. Raccoons, small dogs, even geese, all fit in this category. If you can't punt it, then you need to be wary of it, so moose, mountain-lion, irukandji, best to keep your distance.
Wolverines are a very puntable size but if you put your foot that close to one that's picking a fight, you're not getting that foot back. I would also consider snakes to be "puntable" strictly speaking but wouldn't recommend trying. You might get it over the back fence but the chances you come back unscathed are slim at best.
If you can't punt it, then you should keep your distance. Snake is too low to punt, wolverine is too tenacious. Keep distance, and don't punt.
Bro, I'd rather try to punt a medium-size dog over a goose. You're playing with fire there!
A goose is a lot scarier than a medium dog, but if you punt a goose, it's done for.
Dude, I've seen geese shrug off a shotgun blast, wobble in the air, recover, and fly off.
There are many, many puntable animals that are dangerous, both because you're underestimating their toughness but also their ability to avoid being punted and attack.
I'm not saying a goose or raccoon would be able to kill you, but there's a lot of middle ground between "not dangerous" and "lethal danger".
A rat or squirrel or groundhog could easily leave a human minus a finger without breaking a sweat. Might not be able to kill a human, but that's still dangerous in my book.
Are you worried about being attacked by a rat, squirrel or groundhog?
If one was attacking me, I'd certainly be worried.
Only worry if you can't punt it. A squirrel can't gnaw your fingers from 50ft away.
At this point I really feel like your name should be PUNTMeister xD Thank you for making my day!
I play-fight with my cat and I can say if they were taking it seriously I would have no chances.
The cat plays with you. Not the other way around.
Yeah a determined housecat could kick any man's ass.
I will take on every animal at once, and win.
By being elected president on a platform of bog-standard normal liberalism, FDR style, behind a remotely charismatic personality rather than a shambling horrid human corpse. I will legislate the space force to create huge satellites that catch solar energy and funnel that energy down to the surface with big microwaves. I will take this opportunity to equip the space stations with hypersonic aircraft that will drop normal supersonic personnel carriers, ensuring a global response time of only a few hours. This will probably be less monetarily intensive than putting a US military base everywhere on the planet, so I'd use those savings to expand the nuclear arsenal, and possibly deploy some of those weapons to space in secret under the guise of some commercial wi-fi satellite ventures. I will reveal this fact to everyone later on once they have all been globally deployed and nobody has any countermeasures, and then I'll start performing a bloody hostile takeover of the planet.
Then, I will attempt to quintuple global fossil fuel output. I don't know what we'll use all this excess energy for, probably we'd just use it to build more horrible weapons of war, or huge impenetrable underground citadels, or whatever. I will get rid of regulation for industry, ensuring massive environmental disasters. I will even tell the CIA to do some of them probably, nord stream pipeline style, and they'll probably do it cause they're crazy. Maybe I'll use the microwave power grid to blow up some of my enemies by boiling them until they explode.
At the end of my term as god emperor dictator, a disgrace and shell of my former self, I will use the nuclear football to ensure no life on the planet survives, except for maybe basic viruses, bacteria, and maybe a couple different insects. I will arise from my presidential super-bunker to face a barren world. A perfect world, free from sin. Thus concludes the 2nd Global Emu War.
If I wasn't going to do any of that and I just had to give like the least dangerous animal I personally could take on, I'd probably say like. Maybe a stray ant. That might be too sad, though, because that's just a lonely ant and it's sort of too pathetic to kill it. Maybe like a really evil guy that's about to die anyways? But that's also too sad, because that's just a meat-puppet automaton of life that has shambled around until it's shut down. Maybe I could just kill like, dick cheney, or something, someone super evil. He looks too much like george costanza for me to do that though, I think.
Edit: actually I think I could take on any invasive species of animal barehanded, with a combination of my extremely tough fists that I have been spraying with dog medicine, and tai chi exercise DVD training regimen.
Dog, a Chihuahua to be specific.
Hand to hand, with no weapons and just my bare hands & teeth? I could maybe take a mouse... and I'd still probably come away with some wounds. Probably a small, non-venomous snake as well.
I could probably hold my own against a tardigrade.
I wish i could choke the shit out of a sloth.
sloths have those long nails and could slit a throat
I have a pretty good rear naked choke so. Lights out Sloth.
They have very long arms
You see the neck to head ratio on them? You better be built like Thorsen to try and choke one of them three-toed half-wits.
Lots of coyotes and foxes around here. I think I could take them on with my bare hands.
One coyote, probably. But where there's one there's two dozen. I wouldn't want to have to fight more than one at a time.
Unarmed, which is seemingly the point of this, but with just a bat/club you could probably fuck a few up quick enough to scare the rest off
Met two foxes in the mountains. One played cute and the other shanked me and stole my food. Don't mess with foxes! They don't fight fair.