What are the worst names you could give a baby boy?

FlyForABeeGuy@lemmy.dbzer0.com to Asklemmy@lemmy.ml – 192 points –

Hello you awesome people,

Friends are having a boy and everyone they know wants to push a name on the child. So I decided to be the best friend they could have and to offer only bad, ugly or horrendous names to the lucky parents so they could have a laugh. I already send them some names and dictators, Smeagol, Steve and Juan-Esteban.

So please, people or Lemmy, give me the worst names you could give a child, so that I can help them as a good friend!

Ps: don't worry, I've already planned some meals to drop off when the gremlin will be there to feed the parents. And some take-out vouchers so they won't get food poisoning

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X Æ A-12

The only way to escape a name like that is to take a phallic rocket to mars and start a new colony

How do you even pronunce that?

No joke, it's pronounced Kyle. It's the Greek letter chi, the dipthong æ which is called an æsc (pronounced ash) that makes a sound similar to the "a" in "cat" but shorter, and A-12 stands for "alphabet 12" or the 12th letter of the alphabet which is L. So chi-æ-l or kinda like a two syllable "Kyle"

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Shi-thead

Honestly such a classic https://youtu.be/r_Ua8iOR0g8?si=D-UWy03OoBxFszEy

Man those were the golden days of yt

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Bob, short for Bobert. So that every time he has to say his full name to anyone on the phone or fill out forms somewhere, he has to repeatedly explain that, no, it's not Robert, it's Bobert.

Ngl i have considered calling every Rob/Bob i know Bobert, but i like this idea better

I knew someone who did that to me in high school. I hated him, for many reasons, mind, but that was one. I hated him enough to be almost glad his wife died. Not that I am, and nothing against her, just… fuck him.

I’ve been called Bert by one guy, and sometimes I wonder if I should have run with that. Another guy would call me Rootbeer. I was totally fine with that, as you can see.

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Sue.

I dont know about that.

See, this world is rough, and if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough. If a father knew he wouldn't be there to help his son along he could, hypothetically, give him that name, say goodbye, and know his son would have to get tough or die.

That very name would then help to make him strong.

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I once knew someone who refused to tell anyone the name they chose before the baby was born (absolutely valid choice, IMO). The grandpa-to-be chose to exclusively refer to the fetus as Beelzebub.

That is normal around where I live, because you never know if it will be alice alive after birth. So I mostly see the name in the birth-card my friends usually send

Where are you from? Chernobyl?

Switzerland, why?

because you never know if it will be alice alive after birth.

I know the risk exists here as well, but "you never know" sounds like something someone from rural Africa would say, not Switzerland.

Maybe its an old tradition. But I was shocked by how deadly being pregnant and giving birth (to the mother and the child even moreso) is, still to this day. I thought we solved childbirth or something.

Yeah, the female physique hasn't really adapted to our enormous head size. We solved child mortality more or less, but pregnancy and birth is still quite dangerous.

First, anything ending in -ayden. 2-4, I'm just going to list a few real names I've heard. Middles included.

Wynter Obsidian

Ocean Zebediah

Buck Shot

Dude, "Buck Shot" is awesome. That kid is pretty much guaranteed to be an astronaut with a name like that.

Or a gay porn actor. No in between options.

Nah, I see cop as an option. More likely than astronaut, actually.

But most of all, I see him becoming a “professional YouTuber” of the “rant from the cab of a pickup truck wearing a baseball cap and wearing oakleys” genre, before going out and attempting to kidnap a politician at gunpoint. It’s one of those nominative determinism things, for sure.

We were gonna go with Winter Grace. Really-really. There are reasons. But, due to other reasons, kids didn't happen.

Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz

Grzegorz is a perfectly normal name, and it's not their fault if they have a difficult surname 😔

It’s probably not even difficult in Poland either

Well, there's a bit of context behind it:

The name is a meme in Poland and comes from the 1969 adventure-comedy mini-series Jak rozpętałem drugą wojnę światową (How I unleashed World War 2).

In the second episode, the main character is in hiding insideof Nazi Germany after escaping from a Prisoner of War camp. He is eventually arrested for an unrelated reason and this is the fake name he gives to the German bureaucrat using the typewriter. Unsurprisingly, he is baffled by the spelling, especially once he gets it right... since he gets an even more difficult fake birthplace to spell by the MC.

Edit: If you mean Grzegorz, it means George and isn't too difficult, I suppose.

Open a random page in any P. G. Wodehouse novel and you’re good to go! Gussie Fink-Nottle, Bingo Little, Kipper Herring, Stiffy Byng. Or, my personal fave, add in an extra letter like he did for his character Psmith, where, he explains, the “p” is silent, "as in pshrimp.”

Jugemu Jugemu Go-Kō-no-Surikire Kaijari-suigyo no Suigyō-matsu Unrai-matsu Fūrai-matsu Kū-Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yaburakōji no Burakōji Paipo Paipo Paipo no Shūringan Shūringan no Gūrindai Gūrindai no Ponpokopii no Ponpokonaa no Chōkyūmei no Chōsuke

What?!? What a coincidence! My name is also Jugemu Jugemu Go-Kō-no-Surikire Kaijari-suigyo no Suigyō-matsu Unrai-matsu Fūrai-matsu Kū-Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yaburakōji no Burakōji Paipo Paipo Paipo no Shūringan Shūringan no Gūrindai Gūrindai no Ponpokopii no Ponpokonaa no Chōkyūmei no Chōsuke!

Oh, hello! Can Jugemu Jugemu Go-Kō-no-Surikire Kaijari-suigyo no Suigyō-matsu Unrai-matsu Fūrai-matsu Kū-Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yaburakōji no Burakōji Paipo Paipo Paipo no Shūringan Shūringan no Gūrindai Gūrindai no Ponpokopii no Ponpokonaa no Chōkyūmei no Chōsuke come out to play?

Yes, Jugemu Jugemu Go-Kō-no-Surikire Kaijari-suigyo no Suigyō-matsu Unrai-matsu Fūrai-matsu Kū-Neru Tokoro ni Sumu Tokoro Yaburakōji no Burakōji Paipo Paipo Paipo no Shūringan Shūringan no Gūrindai Gūrindai no Ponpokopii no Ponpokonaa no Chōkyūmei no Chōsuke! I've come to play!

Is this the Japanese banana fanna bo banna or something?

https://youtu.be/veaKOM1HYAw?si=v82Zw7UfPtvOWili

Interesting! I actually didn't know this clip. I thought you referenced a rakugo story that involves this name. But other media has seen that rakugo story as well as I can see.

Donald

Hey that was my dad's name. Nothing wrong with being a Donald, worst case your name is a little bit dated.

There's a classic Japanese story about a boy called Jugemu Jugemu Gokō-no Surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyōmatsu Unraimatsu Fūraimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakōji-no Burakōji Paipopaipo Paipo-no Shūringan Shūringan-no Gūrindai Gūrindai-no Ponpokopii-no Ponpokonā-no Chōkyūmei-no Chōsuke. That's all the first name. No nicknames allowed.

Oh man this is stirring up some memories from early grade school about an English version of this that we used to sing about a boy with a long name and his younger brother.

I always wondered if that was just the moral of the story: don't give your children long names. Which my parents did to me 😡

And now the ending theme from Joshiraku is stuck in my head.

That's how I first heard of it, and it really helped me memorise the full thing when saying it. The challenge is not doing the pause between the Shuringans or staggering the Chosuke.

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I know of someone who named her son "Scrotum".

Did she hate him or something?

It was a debate show on Swedish public television probably a decade ago. They were debating what you should be allowed to name your children (or not). More specifically the name was "Pungen" which is the determined form in Swedish, i.e. more like "The Scrotum". I don't remember why she wanted to name her son The Scrotum, it might have been some weird pagan tribute to the father. But as I recall it didn't appear to come out of hate.

The name had been denied by the Swedish IRS (which decides who can be named what). I remember there was another kid named "Laser" who had been approved.

Laser is kind of cool name. As a middle name I would take it.

Does he go by Scrotey, or Scrotes McGotes?

Biggus And then convince them to change their last name into Dikkus

We had a mother and baby possum on our fence that we nicknamed Methany and Rolexxus.

  • J'nathan
  • Lester
  • Krang
  • Schawghn - pronounced Sean
  • Sponk - halfway between Spock and Spunk
  • Clippy
  • Korn
  • Hootenanny
  • Dan-The-Man - short for Danimal-The-One-And-Only-Manimal
  • Skeet

Alexa That's just gotta be annoying for everyone when your smart home device kicks into action every time your name is called.

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Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitzweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. Assuming they live in Ulm. If not, adjust name accordingly.

Any very foreign sounding name is a great contender: Ashurbanipal, Nebuchadnezzar, Nabopolassar.

Judas is a good option, too. I think it's even illegal to name your child Judas in Germany.

Any DBZ character works. Trunks in an english speaking country would be spot on.

For a tropical real life villain, Jair Bolsonaro.

Kevin

Were I'm from (Québec), this name is always associate with difficult hyperactive kids. It's like a running joke "This classroom is full of Kevin". One of my good friend is a Kevin, he find that quite funny.

Down here in the states Kevin is normally associated with the Call of Duty demographic stereotype - a young (15-25) dumb pothead who drinks too much Monster and punches holes in drywall when he gets mad.

Just take any normal name and putt a z at the end to spice it up.

Kevinz Frankz Markz

Tikki Tikki Tembo-no Sa Rembo-chari Bari Ruchi-pip Peri Pembo

💩. Gotta make sure the middle name is an emoji too, none of this "he can go by his middle name if he doesn't like his first name" nonsense.

Anything that ends up with the initials "BJ".

I know a guy who's initials are MRS, which is funny.

Richard Dickson

When I was working at a car dealership twenty years ago, I knew a salesman with that name. Before he sold cars, he was a relatively wealthy lawyer who got busted and disbarred for embezzlement or something to that effect, I never knew or cared enough about the details.

Not as bad, but still not great, my graduate advisor’s name was John Johnson. It still is but I’ve been done with all that for eight years.

William Joseph James Robert.

It sounds distinguished until you realize the diminutive is Billy Joe Jim Bob. Which incidentally is really fun to say fast.

Any name that can be spelled a million different ways

There is a Pokemon competitive player named Chuppa Cross IV. Which means not only that somebody was unironically named Chuppa, but also his father, and his grandfather, and his greatgrandfather as well.

5 names at once.

As a guy that has 5 first names, I take offense!

Last time I met someone with 5 names we were in a psychiatry.

^Just\ a\ note^

Maybe my mom tried to tell everyone about my personality just by giving them my names?

It probably reflects her mental state too, depending on what the names are.

She put a little Pedro in there. 30 years later and I still don't know why

At least the depressed guys names had meaning oh god darwin

Polysyllabic words too.

Rosicrucian Bellefonte Adelaide Dormandius Xavier {last name} III (as there is no legal requirement to actually have a I and a II first)

Bumperpucker

Appropriation

Gurner

Clap

Clippy

Pickles

Masher

Guana

Iguana

I'd take Steve over any of the ...ayden (Jayden and the like) names, but I'd be hesitant to send it as a joke, as it might give them ideas.

Ken or Nigel are probably safe.

Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy diggy, said the boogie, said up jump the boogie

Felcher Mycal (Michael), Jaxsyn (Jackson), etc Ryler/Rylen Axton/Joxton Grond

For very different reasons:

Edward Jacob

Elon

Donald

Raven

Leonard

Ismael

Vladimir

Christian

Jim Bob

Chad

Kevin

My dad wanted to name me 'Bentley' at some point. Glad my mum's stubborn and didn't let that happen.