Your username has suddenly become your only means of staying alive. How bad is it?

shootwhatsmyname@lemm.ee to Ask Lemmy@lemmy.world – 87 points –
349

A little slimy and unconventional but I’m up for the challenge

I would survive just fine as long as you follow my instructions. I can live on a diet of 90% hay with a small amount of species appropriate pellets and a salad every day. I am going to need a lot of room to play and shouldn't be confined to a small cage. At minimum I need an exercise pen as my home base with at least 6 hours so I can run around the house and binky. I should have a box to hide in because I'm easily frightened and I would live underground in the wild. I will do better if you keep my water in a bowl but by all means put it in a bottle if i prefer that. It's better for me to stay hydrated than to try to exist within some ideal that doesn't work for me.

And for the love of God it's a myth that I don't need medical care! I have a very sensitive digestive system and it's a critical emergency if I don't eat for more than a few hours or if my eating slows and my poops get small. So many people say their lagomorphlecture just died with no warning but if they knew what the warnings were and took them to get treatment they would be ok.

I should definitely be soayed or neutered regardless of your society's beliefs about that. Uterine and testicular cancer are very common and I'm unlikely to live past 6bor 7 years old if you don't get me fixed.

I am a very social creature and I should be kept with a bonded mate. If I lose my mate I will become depressed and need either a new lagomorphlecture to keep me company or a lot of your time to help me get through it. It can help me accept the loss if you show me the body of my mate so I can understand and accept that they are gone.

I will provide you with further instructions for my care later on.

I guess eternal life through some profane kind of undead cyborg magic... Bad maybe?

Vanth is from Etruscan mythology, a female demon that escorts the dead through the underworld. Generally seen as a helpful guide rather than mean or frightening. So if I can mix mythologies for the sake of a colorful mental image, Hell-Uber across the river Styx, please tip your driver.

On the plus side, I probably don't need much income as a demon.

Well considering I only learnt to drive automatic, it’s not looking good.

Either I'm a lawyer for warlocks making sure they don't enter tricky contracts with devils, which I assume pays well, or I'm a lawyer and a warlock so will soon have my own TV show.

I have no idea why situation would cause smoking weed and having sex with sharks to be a matter of life and death but I'm incredibly curious to find out

I guess I'll just jump into the nearest body of water, even better if it's at night.

You seem like the kinda person who sees the glass half full, even when it’s completely empty

I am the person who should have died at every turn, but somehow being the only one that lives to the end, I imagine.

or I die by licking a diseased corpse.

So, hard to tell if its good or bad.

Not too bad,

I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life choo-choo chose me!

(And it's got a picture of a train!)

Roll around in some kelp and then float away

Will you have a cup of tea? Ah go on, there’s plenty in the pot. Go on, have a cup of tea, so. Go on! Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on ….

My mighty herd will protect me! 🐐

Baaaah. I will infect the herd. I look (sound) like one of you until it's too late

I guess I’m in my twenties forever now‽

Nope, always feel 20. At least you never get demensia

I'll survive for a little bit but I will almost certainly be the cause of my own death.

For fuck sakes, can we not do this on Lemmy

Apparently this is fun for many. Is fun not allowed here?

Doing "this" is actually known as "krudling", believe it or not. This guy's into meta humor

Tbh I really hated the krudling posts on reddit, but here not so much. Maybe because I don't feel like the platform is gaming my engagement, so I don't have to feel guilty

It's bad for you. I'm a steal yo girl, and if you come near my taniwha hideout, I'm going to eat you.

... I'm so high right now. That's probably how this ends for me: humans bringing me some cannabis, getting me too high, and leading me somewhere out of the way.

Sounds like I'll be doing psychedelics or phenethylamines possibly. Not a bad way to live.

I'm not sure about nutritional value, but it could be worse

If knowledge is real and can be applied to anything, I guess I'll be alright

I stare at the wall reciting pi over and over, while my body withers, mind untethered, consumed by a mathematical void.

I came up with the spelling based on the word "pattern", and this was just a screwy way of spelling it ~30 some years ago and it's just what I've always used. I'd probably be screwed if I had to rely on it, other than finding patterns in nature can help animals stay alive, I guess? That's all I got.

It’s great.

It’s the choice of a new generation.

Usually I'm a "silence, brand" kind of person but the clear, vivid, outdated commercial in my head got laugh. Why am I imagining a dude in a windbreaker?

It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

The best I can make sense of it is that I make my money as some sort of emo catboy vtuber. Assuming I'm not already reasonably popular, that boils down to how good a streamer I can be and the economic factors of going into the EN vtubing industry after the initial boom. And I'm already at a disadvantage because "emo catboy" is a weak concept that lacks originality.

Sorry guys, the end times are on us, but at least they're cute and fluffy.

Let loose the flaming giant elephants of war

Praise to Armok, dwarves all kneel!
Praise the God of Blood and Steel!
Drain the River, burn the Wood!
Praise the God of Steel and Blood!

Praise to Armok, dwarves obey!
Praise the God of Rend and Slay!
Smelt the Metal, cut the Gem!
Praise the God of Slay and Rend!

Praise to Armok, dwarves attack!
Praise the God of Shield and Pick!
Strike the foeman! Never yield!
Praise the God of Pick and Shield!

(originally posted)

I can't think of anything more metal than subsisting on arsenic, lead, and belladonna mixtures.

My username is a bird that steals fish. I'm not sure how I'm going to get on the good side of one, but I guess I'd better get used to either seafood or hunger

Being a 'jockbox genius' means I'd be living on 'spam street', good buddy!

As long as you've got your dead buddy, your living skeleton buddy and your prehensile scarf.

I will foolishly ride my dolly to safety like a wobbly skateboard. See you later losers!

May very well go up in flames, is how bad.

I now rule a highly advanced, militaristic, and xenophobic alternate reality and have psionic abilities. It's not as great as is sounds, my future wife is going to psionically teleport a gray-goo bomb into my chest at the end of the big climactic boss fight.

Haha, I’ll still be around in millions of years.

I'm really impressed at how well I'm staying alive...wow!

The Grasshopper Mouse kills scorpions and then screams about it afterwards, so I think I'll do alright.

I mean... I'm a pope and a king. I think I'll be alright.

Quite a few of them were killed when they were a thing.

Most of them are dead, but Mr Burns has enough money to keep me going a while.

I'm not allowed to drink anything I guess

You’ll be wanting a cup of tea so. Go on have a cup, it’s fresh. No? Ah go on! Have a cup of tea. Go on! Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on …..

I’m pretty sure I’d be ok in multiple realities

Silver Wings of Morning is a Shatterling ship of Gentian Line. Shatterlings exist six million years in the future. The ship is so large that it contains other ships in its hanger.

I will have no trouble surviving in this futuristic ship.

I would have to go back to reddit to get an "open in new tab" function. This username is actually because I created an account once (years ago) after nuking my first one just so I could have the "open in new tab" functionality back.

I'll be fine with the powers of the wizard king of Israel, weed and dinner for two...

Do you guys think Elon would let me take his SpaceX Starship in a time machine back to 2021 so I could fly to Mars and survive?

No, I do not have $4 billion to pay for this endeavor, I'll just take out a loan and tell the bank its for a scientific breakthrough.

Mine is the name of a character I used to play tabletop.

He was a Chaos Space Marine.

I think I'll be okay.

I'm mostly fine, I hope

It doesn't have to be good, right?

I'm just some random Lord now, which theoretically will come with resources so I should be okay

Yeah I’m pretty fucked if my ability to stay alive is predicated upon my assembly programming abilities. Don’t ask me to multiply.

Mine is a jolly good lot of fun as I fend off attacks with well-coined analogies.

Guess I'm a melee mercenary in a ranged weapons world now. Sucks, but at least I get self healing? Also an immunity, come to think of it.

Guess I'd better whip out the scarves and space berets. I'll be just fiiine.

I mean, probably wouldn't be bad initially. It would just get worse as time goes on.

My name is genuinely not actually Steve so I'm good

I'll be fiiiiiine

Your handle reminds me of that blond joke where she hides in a bag of potatoes and when someone kicks it to see whats inside she says "potatopotatopotato"

I'm fire proof, and a shit speller.

If everyone dressed like me the world would be a much less violent place

I think for me, there'd be some sort of lord involved. Couldn't tell you what would happen, though.

Welp, time to change my diet, as if they didn't have it rough already by being lonely. Sorry little dudes

I try to save money anyway, so I guess it’ll be ok. At least as long as nobody needs avenged.

I guess I am drilling wells? Maybe manageable.

Pretty appropriate considering it means "The fuck is that?" where I'm from (not written the real way mind you, it would be "Quessé ça?" and that would still be "slang")

Please, ya gotta help me Tony! I don't know what else to do!

"CanopyFlyer" is a reference to my skydiving days.

I have a tad over 4500 skydives.

Even though my last jump was 18 years ago, I think I'd be pretty safe if someone threw me out a plane with a rig on.

That's a lot of jumps and pretty long ago. What made you stop?

I was on a 4-way and 8-way competitive team and we had sponsorship for most of the time we were together. When your training jumps are free, you do a lot of them. All of my winter vacations for years was to Florida or Arizona to jump.

As to what made me stop, the team finally disintegrated due to personality differences. It was fairly acrimonious and people whom I had been jumping along side for years, turned out to not be friends at all. I stopped competing and did other things. Got my PRO license and jumped into a few stadiums, a NASCAR race once, and more than one air show. I stopped doing those types of jumps, when an idiot from the FAA tried to tell us that our final turn to land had to be over 1000ft, which is insane and not safe. This was at an airshow and we were landing in an airport. He wouldn't budge on it though, because he was just a god damn whuffo on a power trip. I made a normal turn to final, which was about 300 feet anyway. I decided that was the last time I was going to put my safety in the hands of someone that had no clue what they were talking about, even if I was making money at it.

Later at my home DZ, I landed after a pretty good fun jump and started gathering my main and just felt... Nothing. The jump went well, but it just didn't mean a whole lot to me. I was apathetic. Add to that, I was dating the future Mrs CanopyFlyer and while she supported my jumping, she is no jumper. She's never been on a plane smaller than a CRJ. Where I've jumped from Sport Planes, that are just one step up from an Ultralight. A lot of people have pointed to her as my reason for stopping, but really she is what kept me jumping that last year. It was just time to move on.

Would I jump again? I'm no longer capable of jumping as I injured my back two years ago. While I would not be paralyzed or anything like that, a hard opening would carry the risk of making the pain I deal with every day a whole lot worse. It's hell to get old.

So it's now a life and death situation for me to ensure cheetahs don't go extinct?

I mean, it’s pretty good name for a streamer I think, so I could probably do something there

Uh oh...but if taken literally like the idea my best friend had when we were on acid and whip its, could be delectable. I'm willing to take the risk.

I guess that I'm now praying to a really shitty version of Satan, uh. Or perhaps selling really cheap lamps?

("Lvxferre" is just broken Latin for "Lucifer", or "light-bringer")

If you have one of those halo things your already kind of dead right?

I... I don't know. I legitimately do not know.

Itll either kill me in a burst of inspiration to the dome or be a very colorful and interesting way to kill people.

My fitness is questionable, but my knowledge is vast. I'll team up and be ok.

I'm half killer of invisible strong aliens, half teacher of toddlers trying to figure out what their daddies do. I'll happily team up, if you shall accept me wise one.

Having been abducted by aliens myself and having sired offspring, I believe that this would be a good match! We shall vanquish our foes.

If the environment is game rich, I could do ok. But if we’re talking animals that are skittish and I can’t get close to, I’d starve. Could probably use the shaft as part of a bow drill to start a fire, so I’d have that going for me.

I'm just glad it's not rouge because then I'd likely be a prostitute.

I mean there are a lot of doors that are our only means of staying alive in some way. Doors are very important.

I should be fine, just gotta change my name
::: spoiler spoiler I may also need to get smarter :::

I guess my fate is in the hands of the RNG gods.

I think my username says it all. I'm kind of aloof and independent anyway so, being on my own is how I survive best. And nothing really gets me down, I don't own anyone else's sh#t and I just do my own thing and then I'm off on some other pursuit. I think it's sort of an ADHD but I love it kind of thing.

At least I'll never go hungry, but eventually I'll get sick of myself.

I have to either rob or digitally pleasure someone named Cooper

I was once told "meco" is Spanish for semen (likely not the formal word but slang or something with a dialect). So... 50/50?