Your username has suddenly become your only means of staying alive. How bad is it?

shootwhatsmyname@lemm.ee to Ask Lemmy@lemmy.world – 87 points –
348

A little slimy and unconventional but I’m up for the challenge

I would survive just fine as long as you follow my instructions. I can live on a diet of 90% hay with a small amount of species appropriate pellets and a salad every day. I am going to need a lot of room to play and shouldn't be confined to a small cage. At minimum I need an exercise pen as my home base with at least 6 hours so I can run around the house and binky. I should have a box to hide in because I'm easily frightened and I would live underground in the wild. I will do better if you keep my water in a bowl but by all means put it in a bottle if i prefer that. It's better for me to stay hydrated than to try to exist within some ideal that doesn't work for me.

And for the love of God it's a myth that I don't need medical care! I have a very sensitive digestive system and it's a critical emergency if I don't eat for more than a few hours or if my eating slows and my poops get small. So many people say their lagomorphlecture just died with no warning but if they knew what the warnings were and took them to get treatment they would be ok.

I should definitely be soayed or neutered regardless of your society's beliefs about that. Uterine and testicular cancer are very common and I'm unlikely to live past 6bor 7 years old if you don't get me fixed.

I am a very social creature and I should be kept with a bonded mate. If I lose my mate I will become depressed and need either a new lagomorphlecture to keep me company or a lot of your time to help me get through it. It can help me accept the loss if you show me the body of my mate so I can understand and accept that they are gone.

I will provide you with further instructions for my care later on.

Well considering I only learnt to drive automatic, it’s not looking good.

Either I'm a lawyer for warlocks making sure they don't enter tricky contracts with devils, which I assume pays well, or I'm a lawyer and a warlock so will soon have my own TV show.

I guess eternal life through some profane kind of undead cyborg magic... Bad maybe?

Vanth is from Etruscan mythology, a female demon that escorts the dead through the underworld. Generally seen as a helpful guide rather than mean or frightening. So if I can mix mythologies for the sake of a colorful mental image, Hell-Uber across the river Styx, please tip your driver.

On the plus side, I probably don't need much income as a demon.

I have no idea why situation would cause smoking weed and having sex with sharks to be a matter of life and death but I'm incredibly curious to find out

I am the person who should have died at every turn, but somehow being the only one that lives to the end, I imagine.

or I die by licking a diseased corpse.

So, hard to tell if its good or bad.

Not too bad,

I didn't choose the chug life, the chug life choo-choo chose me!

(And it's got a picture of a train!)

I guess I'll just jump into the nearest body of water, even better if it's at night.

You seem like the kinda person who sees the glass half full, even when it’s completely empty

I'll survive for a little bit but I will almost certainly be the cause of my own death.

Roll around in some kelp and then float away

For fuck sakes, can we not do this on Lemmy

Apparently this is fun for many. Is fun not allowed here?

Doing "this" is actually known as "krudling", believe it or not. This guy's into meta humor

Tbh I really hated the krudling posts on reddit, but here not so much. Maybe because I don't feel like the platform is gaming my engagement, so I don't have to feel guilty

Will you have a cup of tea? Ah go on, there’s plenty in the pot. Go on, have a cup of tea, so. Go on! Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on ….

My mighty herd will protect me! 🐐

Baaaah. I will infect the herd. I look (sound) like one of you until it's too late

I guess I’m in my twenties forever now‽

Nope, always feel 20. At least you never get demensia

It's bad for you. I'm a steal yo girl, and if you come near my taniwha hideout, I'm going to eat you.

... I'm so high right now. That's probably how this ends for me: humans bringing me some cannabis, getting me too high, and leading me somewhere out of the way.

Sounds like I'll be doing psychedelics or phenethylamines possibly. Not a bad way to live.

I'm not sure about nutritional value, but it could be worse

If knowledge is real and can be applied to anything, I guess I'll be alright

The best I can make sense of it is that I make my money as some sort of emo catboy vtuber. Assuming I'm not already reasonably popular, that boils down to how good a streamer I can be and the economic factors of going into the EN vtubing industry after the initial boom. And I'm already at a disadvantage because "emo catboy" is a weak concept that lacks originality.

I stare at the wall reciting pi over and over, while my body withers, mind untethered, consumed by a mathematical void.

Sorry guys, the end times are on us, but at least they're cute and fluffy.

Has a slightly toxic, mysandristic taste to it, but overall the stew is much more palatable than anything else that came from this awkward creature.

It’s great.

It’s the choice of a new generation.

Usually I'm a "silence, brand" kind of person but the clear, vivid, outdated commercial in my head got laugh. Why am I imagining a dude in a windbreaker?

Let loose the flaming giant elephants of war

Praise to Armok, dwarves all kneel!
Praise the God of Blood and Steel!
Drain the River, burn the Wood!
Praise the God of Steel and Blood!

Praise to Armok, dwarves obey!
Praise the God of Rend and Slay!
Smelt the Metal, cut the Gem!
Praise the God of Slay and Rend!

Praise to Armok, dwarves attack!
Praise the God of Shield and Pick!
Strike the foeman! Never yield!
Praise the God of Pick and Shield!

(originally posted)

It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.

I came up with the spelling based on the word "pattern", and this was just a screwy way of spelling it ~30 some years ago and it's just what I've always used. I'd probably be screwed if I had to rely on it, other than finding patterns in nature can help animals stay alive, I guess? That's all I got.

I'm really impressed at how well I'm staying alive...wow!

I now rule a highly advanced, militaristic, and xenophobic alternate reality and have psionic abilities. It's not as great as is sounds, my future wife is going to psionically teleport a gray-goo bomb into my chest at the end of the big climactic boss fight.

I will foolishly ride my dolly to safety like a wobbly skateboard. See you later losers!

My username is a bird that steals fish. I'm not sure how I'm going to get on the good side of one, but I guess I'd better get used to either seafood or hunger

May very well go up in flames, is how bad.

Being a 'jockbox genius' means I'd be living on 'spam street', good buddy!

As long as you've got your dead buddy, your living skeleton buddy and your prehensile scarf.

I can't think of anything more metal than subsisting on arsenic, lead, and belladonna mixtures.

Haha, I’ll still be around in millions of years.

I mean... I'm a pope and a king. I think I'll be alright.

Quite a few of them were killed when they were a thing.

The Grasshopper Mouse kills scorpions and then screams about it afterwards, so I think I'll do alright.

Most of them are dead, but Mr Burns has enough money to keep me going a while.

Mine is the name of a character I used to play tabletop.

He was a Chaos Space Marine.

I think I'll be okay.

I'm fire proof, and a shit speller.

I would have to go back to reddit to get an "open in new tab" function. This username is actually because I created an account once (years ago) after nuking my first one just so I could have the "open in new tab" functionality back.

Silver Wings of Morning is a Shatterling ship of Gentian Line. Shatterlings exist six million years in the future. The ship is so large that it contains other ships in its hanger.

I will have no trouble surviving in this futuristic ship.

Do you guys think Elon would let me take his SpaceX Starship in a time machine back to 2021 so I could fly to Mars and survive?

No, I do not have $4 billion to pay for this endeavor, I'll just take out a loan and tell the bank its for a scientific breakthrough.

Guess I'm a melee mercenary in a ranged weapons world now. Sucks, but at least I get self healing? Also an immunity, come to think of it.

I'm mostly fine, I hope

It doesn't have to be good, right?

I'll be fine with the powers of the wizard king of Israel, weed and dinner for two...

Yeah I’m pretty fucked if my ability to stay alive is predicated upon my assembly programming abilities. Don’t ask me to multiply.

Guess I'd better whip out the scarves and space berets. I'll be just fiiine.

My name is genuinely not actually Steve so I'm good

I’m pretty sure I’d be ok in multiple realities

I'm just some random Lord now, which theoretically will come with resources so I should be okay

I'll be fiiiiiine

Your handle reminds me of that blond joke where she hides in a bag of potatoes and when someone kicks it to see whats inside she says "potatopotatopotato"

I'm not allowed to drink anything I guess

You’ll be wanting a cup of tea so. Go on have a cup, it’s fresh. No? Ah go on! Have a cup of tea. Go on! Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on …..

Mine is a jolly good lot of fun as I fend off attacks with well-coined analogies.

I mean, probably wouldn't be bad initially. It would just get worse as time goes on.

If everyone dressed like me the world would be a much less violent place

Welp, time to change my diet, as if they didn't have it rough already by being lonely. Sorry little dudes

I guess my fate is in the hands of the RNG gods.

I... I don't know. I legitimately do not know.

I'm just glad it's not rouge because then I'd likely be a prostitute.

I mean, it’s pretty good name for a streamer I think, so I could probably do something there

Pretty appropriate considering it means "The fuck is that?" where I'm from (not written the real way mind you, it would be "Quessé ça?" and that would still be "slang")

If the environment is game rich, I could do ok. But if we’re talking animals that are skittish and I can’t get close to, I’d starve. Could probably use the shaft as part of a bow drill to start a fire, so I’d have that going for me.

If you have one of those halo things your already kind of dead right?

Uh oh...but if taken literally like the idea my best friend had when we were on acid and whip its, could be delectable. I'm willing to take the risk.

I try to save money anyway, so I guess it’ll be ok. At least as long as nobody needs avenged.

I should be fine, just gotta change my name
::: spoiler spoiler I may also need to get smarter :::

I have to either rob or digitally pleasure someone named Cooper

I think my username says it all. I'm kind of aloof and independent anyway so, being on my own is how I survive best. And nothing really gets me down, I don't own anyone else's sh#t and I just do my own thing and then I'm off on some other pursuit. I think it's sort of an ADHD but I love it kind of thing.

At least I'll never go hungry, but eventually I'll get sick of myself.

I mean there are a lot of doors that are our only means of staying alive in some way. Doors are very important.

I guess that I'm now praying to a really shitty version of Satan, uh. Or perhaps selling really cheap lamps?

("Lvxferre" is just broken Latin for "Lucifer", or "light-bringer")

Itll either kill me in a burst of inspiration to the dome or be a very colorful and interesting way to kill people.

So it's now a life and death situation for me to ensure cheetahs don't go extinct?

"CanopyFlyer" is a reference to my skydiving days.

I have a tad over 4500 skydives.

Even though my last jump was 18 years ago, I think I'd be pretty safe if someone threw me out a plane with a rig on.

2 more...

I think for me, there'd be some sort of lord involved. Couldn't tell you what would happen, though.

Please, ya gotta help me Tony! I don't know what else to do!

My fitness is questionable, but my knowledge is vast. I'll team up and be ok.

I'm half killer of invisible strong aliens, half teacher of toddlers trying to figure out what their daddies do. I'll happily team up, if you shall accept me wise one.

Having been abducted by aliens myself and having sired offspring, I believe that this would be a good match! We shall vanquish our foes.

I guess I am drilling wells? Maybe manageable.

Tons of way to make a living, but the living is on the edge. Plus problems with the law.

Oh shit, I'm gonna have to remember how my past me did this the last time around.

I guess this tree has leaves on it I can eat?

Welp, im a vampire now

(Universal Infinite Shadow of earth is what my username means soo...)